Chapter-By-Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades Darker, Chapter 4

When last we left Christian and Ana (and yes, I'll recap because it's been a while), they had just made up after a lengthy absence of, like, a week away from each other. This was great because the author left us in no suspense, just sort of picked up where we left off with minimal angst. There was no character development, either, no soul-searching. Ana wants Christian because he's hot, he wants her because she's a doormat. It's a perfect relationship, really.

They had just had sex, after sexily preparing a mis en place for a stir fry that Ana was going to make before the sex took over. Both Christian and Ana accused her of being the one who broke them up, and apparently instead of it being about the fact that Ana didn't want to be Christian's living, breathing punching bag like the end of Book 1 said, it was really more about how Ana didn't say the Safe Word. I'm not sure if this was a continuity error as much as it was an author error, but let's go with neither. It is a mistake in Christian's makeup, at the end of it.

Christian is a Narcissist, and everything he does is for his own pleasure. Even the BDSM is not so much about mutual enjoyment over pain, but him doing what he wants with the girl he's with. Ana broke up with Christian and he was devastated, but when he saw that Ana had been too, it was a foreign concept to him. This is telling about his personality. He breaks up with his subs and goes about his life like it ain't nothin' but a thing. Ana broke up with him, so he never thinks that maybe it was a hard decision for her, he just thinks that she's moved on and ready to go because that's how he is, and that's just how everybody is because that's how he is. His comment, "You broke up with me, you know," is so dismissive, so cold and unforgiving. "You hurt me," he's saying. Who cares that she was also hurt, and that leaving him was a tough decision for her? This is not a concept for Christian.

And so, when they got back together, he makes a joke about how he's not going to touch her until she begs him for it. I don't know if he wanted full-down-on-knees, hands-clasped-to-chest begging, but he wanted her to want him. He needed her to need him.

It was a real cheap trick.

So, all that to say, Ana is coming down from an orgasm at the beginning of Chapter Four. Because there is apparently only one thing Christian can do right, and that's make her orgasm (but only if he feels like it).

He's holding her hands so she can't touch him, and he gives her a kiss, "asking for what? I don't know. It leaves me breathless."

Hey, Ana? Protip: you can actually say, "hey, what was that for?" and he'd probably tell you. I don't understand why she's always in her head. All she does is stand around wondering what's happening, biting her lip. I imagine her like a little kid, toeing some invisible line on the floor while she rocks back and forth, being completely useless. There is this wonderful, crazy thing called communication. Thankfully, Christian doesn't know how to do it either, so they're sort of perfectly horrid for each other, but my goodness. This girl wants to get into publishing?

Christian asks for Ana to promise to never leave him again (without giving any promises) and Ana says yes. Then he calls her a wench and orders her to cook for him.

It was funny when Thor shouted, "I need sustenance!" because he was an arrogant ass and it fit his personality. He also changed by the end (somewhat...we still want him to be a little arrogant) and gained perspective. From Christian, who will never change, it's just another demand, and as a reader, you roll your eyes. If it was actually not serious and playful, it would be funny. But all of Christian's orders, no matter how playfully he gives them, are to be carried out exactly to his personal specifications. Or else it gets the hose again.

I just want to point out that I was way less creepy than Christian.

They eat, and Christian finally gets curious about Ana's life. She finally explains about her mom's husbands, and how Ana preferred living with Ray and taking care of him. This is great. If this was their first or even fourth date, it would be great. But it's not. They've been together for a couple of weeks, even broken up, and Christian knows nearly zero about her. And she about him, too, to be frank.

He remarks that she's used to taking care of other people, and that he wants to take care of her. She points out that he's sort of psycho about it, and he agrees, but it's all he knows. Ana brings up how he bought the company she works for and asks that, if she left and got a new job, would he buy that company too? Yes. Yes he would. And Ana realizes she can't do anything about it, and she doesn't want to fight, so she drops the subject.

And there you go.

I as a reviewer could stop here. If I weren't, if I hadn't committed, I would stop here. This is all we need to know about this man and this woman. Really. It's all. This is the series in a nutshell.

Christian does something to make Ana unhappy.

Ana is unhappy.

Ana gets mad at Christian.

Christian gets mad at Ana for being mad at him.

Ana is upset with Christian for not seeing why she would be upset.

They have sex.

Forget conflict and resolution. It's just...it's nothing. This book is less-than. In the real world, Ana is the sort of person who will wake up one day and kill Christian. Probably stab him to death with a kitchen knife eighty times. Then she'll either go catatonic or kill herself because she doesn't know who she is without him.

So, Christian wants to stay the night, and Ana is fine with that. He asks where she keeps her ice cream, and she snarks that it's in the oven. Christian says that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Only idiots who don't know how to use it effectively think that. People with brains know that it's fucking hilarious and also laugh at you behind your back.


Okay, people. Bear with me here. Ana has Ben & Jerry's in her freezer.

It's vanilla.

Do they make vanilla?

I guess they do.

Okay, okay. Deep breaths.

Look, I love vanilla ice cream. There is nothing I'd rather have sitting jauntily atop my boysenberry pie. But when I buy something that has more calories in it than a steak? It'd better be something like Americone Dream, Chubby Hubby, or Marsha Marsha Marshmallow.

(Incidentally, B & J: I'm still really pissed off at you for changing that to the name "S'mores." I mean, I understand if it was a copywrite thing, but...it's still Marsha Marsha Marshmallow to me. Also, can you bring The Full Vermonty back? Thanks!)

I keep saying that this author has no imagination, but this takes the cake. If you're going to buy Ben & Jerry's, why get vanilla? If you're going to have vanilla in a story, does it have to be Ben & Jerry? At least Haagen-Dasz would make sense! Their vanilla ice cream is like a statue erected (heh) to the vanilla bean. You buy B & J for the names and for the stuff they put inside. Plus, it's freakin' good ice cream.

Well, apparently it's Ben Jerry so that Christian can make the joke, "Ben and Jerry and Ana..."

Thanks for telling us how this story would suddenly get more interesting, Christian. I guess you guys are going to have sex again, huh?

So, my game is to suggest fun things for Christian and Ana to do instead of having sex so they can get to know each other better. Since we're just now learning more about Ana's life in this chapter than we did in the last book, I think it's a really valid game. But I said I was only going to play it when they have sex instead of talking things out like normal people, or instead of doing anything like normal people. Honestly, if this were any other couple, I'd encourage them to have sex at this point, so no game. Sorry.

I will skip over the sex for you, though. I'll only point out that Ana's whole body convulses when Christian tells her he's going to mess up both her and her sheets. Oh, and he puts ice cream on her and licks it off of her. It's as boring and uncomfortable as it sounds.

So, that's done. Ana voices concern that Christian might want to leave her, but he promises not to. In any other guy, this might be nice. In him, it's scary. He invites her to some charity dinner at his dad's house, and she says she'll go.

Ana has a dream about the girl who came to see her, the girl who looks just like her. Only she's the girl this time.

I want to point out to the author that this right here is a sub-conscious. Not the character who purses her lips at Ana and disapproves of stuff. Dreaming. That's the sub-conscious.

Anyway, she wakes up screaming.

Christian wants to know what's wrong, so she tells him about the girl and the dream. It ends up that the girl was Leila, a sub who put the song "Toxic" on Christian's ipod from the first book. I guess she's still not easing his foolish pride.

Christian goes into "crisis" mode, which means that he makes a phone call and sounds all important. Clearly something is up, but he's not talking about it. He wants Ana instead, but she wants tea because that's the answer when you have a problem.

Depends on who you have it with...

So, this is what happened with Leila: She was with Christian three years ago. About two years ago, she moved on and married some other guy. Then she had a psychotic break and went to Christian's house while he was in Georgia with Ana, and tried to kill herself. She was sent to a hospital, but checked herself out before Christian could get there.

I don't think you can check yourself out with a mandatory 48-hour hold, but whatever. Maybe things are different in Seattle. I'm not the author. I don't have to research this stuff.

Anyway, now Christian is turning the tables because he knows he should have told Ana about this girl a while ago, before she showed up at Ana's work, but he didn't so he goes for his trademark deflection and asks why she didn't tell him about Leila showing up at work. Ana has a good excuse (it wasn't all that important and other stuff was going on, so she forgot), so he decides on sex instead.

Now we get to play the game. Really, these two need to talk, and I don't see how either of them could feel sexy after all this. But for Christian, he has to re-mark his territory like a bull moose, so he needs to sex Ana up already.

I am still open to suggestions, but I'm getting through my list too. I think a really great thing that Ana and Christian could do with each other to open lines of communication would be for them to start either volunteering regularly at a soup kitchen/charity of some sort.

Soup kitchens are great because you don't necessarily have to be homeless to go to one. One in seven American homes have trouble putting food on the table every day, and soup kitchens can help. They run on volunteers and donations, so even if all you have is 25 cents, if you can find a soup kitchen, you can find a good meal.

I actually chose soup kitchens because in the first book, Christian admits to having been hungry a lot in his first few years of life before he was adopted by multi-millionaires and became batman a vain narcissistic billionaire who aparently cares about the agricultural department of an Oregonian college enough to donate a million to it. (Yes, a whole million.) (No, that's not very much in the state of education, why do you ask?)

I sort of got this idea that if Christian really cared (he doesn't), he'd want to give back in a tangible way (he won't), so this would help.

Soup kitchens get lots of volunteers at the holidays, but they sort of flounder the rest of the year. Since volunteers are needed to cook and clean and serve and do everything, the faithful often find themselves wearing several hats.

My dad is really involved with the American Legion and the VFW, being a VFW himself, so I know from him all of the issues that surround putting on even a weekly free breakfast for veterans (homeless and otherwise), so I imagine that someone with Christian's name would be really welcome to the community in Seattle, where there are a lot of homeless people and people who just need a hand-up for dinner tonight. I bet if he got involved, then lots of other people would, too. I mean, imagine if Bill Gates started regularly volunteering with soup kitchens. That'd bring awareness and also more volunteers. Of course, it might also bring lots of problems with it, but Christian isn't quite on that level yet. Bill gates gave 90 million to schools. That's way more than Christian did.

This would be a great bonding experience for Ana and Christian, because he could talk to her about his childhood in a meaningful way that she could understand, and they'd both have crazy stories to tell at the end of the day. Of course, Christian would probably hover over Ana all day and be a menace to anyone who behaved even remotely kind to her, so that would suck.

Okay, so that's over. Our lovebirds shower and get ready to face the day. Ana asks Christian if she can start meeting up with his personal trainer, and Christian reacts like he's gotten Christmas early. Then they talk about how Ana needs a car, and he reminds her that she has an Audi and they have an argument about it. 

I have an argument about the Audi. Why an Audi? If I had more money than God, you'd bet I wouldn't get an Audi. I'd get a Mazerati or a Rolls Royce or something really freaking expensive and ostentatious. My Grandma owned an Audi.

Anyway, Ana says she'll give Christian her check from the sale of her VW for the Audi, but Christian isn't having it. She rips the check up and he calls the bank and has the money directly transferred to her account. Now they're both furious with each other. Hey, they should have sex!

Thank god they don't. But they don't have a resolution, either. Christian gets his way, Ana doesn't, he's mad at her for defying him, and she feels impotent in the face of his control.

I'm telling you, he's going to run into her knife nine times.

Pop, squish, six, uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz...

Ana and Christian head on down to a salon so she can get her hairs did, and Ana soon comes to realize that this is where he brings his women for their pampering. Even worse? Mrs. Robinson owns the place. You know, the lady who started all of this? Yeah. Her.

I think it's interesting that Ana can't even give Jose a friendly hug and kiss, but Christian gets to hang out with his ex-lover all the time. It's so...them.

End of chapter. I'll be back with more soon!

Chapter By Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapters 22-23

Wow, according to Kindle, we're 75% done! I know it's been as painful for you as it has been for me. Well, more for me because I have to read the source material. You get to read my stupid jokes and pretend to laugh at them while looking at pictures of Bingley.

How's about a different ginger for a change?

At this point for me, it's been a while since I've read anything for pleasure or reviewed a movie or a book I like. I feel like anyone coming in here would think that I don't like books or fanfiction or anything good in the world. I do, I love stuff. And I don't dislike unsympathetic or evil characters, either. I love them. I love a well-rounded villain, or even just someone who loves being evil for evil's sake. I love well-written, developed characters that an author clearly cares about and is willing to sacrifice just about anything, including a character's dignity, to make them real.

And Bromance. I freakin love Bromance. Especially between the unabashedly evil guy and the guy who maybe has some redeeming qualities.

I mean, seriously, my first thought when I saw that Richard Armitage was in the BBC show Robin Hood was, "I hope he's playing the evil sheriff of Nottingham." He's not, the silver fox there is, but Armitage plays Guy of Gisborne, and he does it very well. I love the sheriff because the actor nearly makes himself laugh half the time with how deliciously evil he is, and I love Guy because he's a horrible person, but he's got character development. You see every now and then a glimmer of humanity in Guy, a glimmer of the person he could be without the sheriff corrupting him. But then sometimes you realize that he'd probably be the same person without the sheriff. It's a cool show. They are cool characters. They are not set up as bastions of society or placed on pedestals for people to worship at. And yet I love them in stark contrast to how much I detest Christian and Ana and their mostly absentee friends.

Christian is set up to be some sort of paragon of manliness that draws all women (not men, just women) like a magnet to him. He is who a man should be in this author's mind. Ana, by contrast, is a wilting flower. She is supposed to be submissive to Christian. Subordinate. She is supposed to be his plaything, his Real Doll in real life. He has her to dress up and screw, to beat and punish for his own crimes, and what makes him different than Guy of Gisborne is that we aren't supposed to think he's a bad guy. So while we love Guy, we hate Christian because he lacks self-awareness as a character and his author is blind to his faults. Since no one can see these flaws, there is no chance for development. Every supposed "weakness" of Christian's is a hidden strength, every flaw a perfection that's not being looked at the right way. In the words of Gertrude Stein, girl, there is no "there" there.

She wasn't into burning books, but I think she would have made an exception.

Okay, enough with the prosthelytizing. If you're reading this, you're probably already on my side. Let's move on.
Chapter Twenty Two

Ana got upgraded to first class by Christian and is hanging out in the "first class lounge" that I've heard exists but have never actually found, even when I was flying first class. Supposedly, she's been massaged and manicured and given two glasses of champagne. She tells Christian about this and he wants to know who gave her the massage.

This is what I'm talking about.

Thank you, sir, can I have another?

She of course teases him that it was a guy who massaged her. It's not like she was naked, geez. There is such a thing as a platonic touch in this world! Of course Christian's response is menacing and frightening in such a way that would be cute and funny in a normal guy, but in him, you really do believe he'd tie her up and duct tape her into the cargo hold in order to keep a man from touching Ana.

So, when Ana's on a layover in Atlanta (I thought she was going to Georgia, yeah? So why layover in Atlanta and not Memphis or Minneapolis?), she shoots off this great e-mail about how he can't say that kind of stuff about tying up and stuffing into cargo holds because with him it's not joking and how she really likes him and wants to be with him, but she's sure he'll leave her and hurt her, and she's not submissive, but she just would really like to make stuff work. And what's his definition of "more?"

It's the first actual flow of information that either of them has ever made, and considering the fact that it hasn't taken place in the first 75% of the book, this is very telling about their relationship.
Eventually, Ana lands in Savannah and goes to her mom, and begins to cry. This just...isn't how relationships are supposed to make you feel. Maybe after you've been together for a while and you start getting on each other's nerves, but come on. If someone makes you feel this way, you leave them out of your life.

Ana spares a thought for Christian and hopes he isn't lamenting over his piano this morning. Seriously, if you personally are the indicator for what sort of mood someone is in, then that person has issues.

Play Freebird!

Well, what do you know? Ana knows enough about geography to figure out that she's left the Pacific side of the USA and is now on the Atlantic side. We're making progress!

Ana's mom wants to know about the guy who sent her across the continent, and Ana divulges a little. She says that Christian's mood swings give her whiplash. What mood swings? His mood is one and one only: foul. Just because he lightens up every now and then does not take away from the fact that he is in a constant sate of anger, jealousy, spite, and misery. That is a really horrible cocktail. But then again, he's fifty shades, and that's as many as five tens, and that's terrible.

It's not like you didn't know I was going to have to make this joke at some point.

Ana's mom points out how uncomplicated men are and I'm like, "Ha! Toldja so!" Then again, Ana's mom has been married four times. I'd hardly call her an expert.

Back at the ranch, Ana goes to her room and finds an e-mail from Christian. He's upset that Ana is never as open with him in person as she was in this e-mail. Well, jeez. Maybe if they stopped having sex for five minutes and kept their clothes on the entire time, Ana could open up. He reminds her that subs have all the power in the relationship, and that in the boathouse, she said no so he couldn't touch her. On my first read through, I thought this was a continuity issue since she said no at dinner when he put his hand up her skirt, but now I realize that she told him he couldn't spank her. He goes on quite a bit and really pours his heart out. If they were having his conversation in person, I'd like it. But all they do in person is screw and talk about nonsense that comes out in double entendres. Christian says that she needs to trust him, and then hits on the fact that he can't trust her to say when he goes too far...

Fine words, but let's look more closely. Ana can't trust Christian because as such they have no relationship. They're basically, pardon my crudeness, fuck buddies. How can she trust him? And she does tell him when he goes too far. He just doesn't listen.

Instances of Christian going too far and not listening to Ana: There was the books, him spanking her and then leaving directly afterwards, then the car which I think counts as three issues: He bought the car, he decided Ana couldn't drive the Beetle, and he sold it out from underneath Jose's Jr. and Sr. without giving them a chance to buy it back. Oh! Number four: He also totally made Charlie (or whatever Ana's dad's name is) feel bad for buying the Beetle in the first place because it's a "death trap" and what dad wants to hear something like that? Okay, and then after the car, he freaked out when Ana had drinks with her friend Jose, he freaked out about Ana wanting to visit her own bloody mother, he upgraded her ticket to first class (that might have been nice...) and it's not like you don't know he's going to show up in Savannah.

After Ana naps, they exchange a little more and it's back to the really superficial banter about his twitching palms, her eye rolling, and her backside. Again, this is what I'm talking about. There's no point in making a big deal about this relationship when there is nothing there. It's like making bread without eggs.

We get a small three paragraph reprieve with Ana talking about her mom and step father du jour, but then we go back to the cutesy, stupid e-mails which end when Christian says he's having an old friend for dinner. I don't think he means in a Hannibal Lechter sort of way, but he did get the Serial Killer Special at the beginning of the book.

"Oh, no, the duct tape was for home improvement!"

Ana thinks he's with Mrs. Robinson and Ana wishes she could punch the lady. Good luck, Ana. She does finally figure out that she has no idea who he is and Googles him. I guess Jose's picture of him has made in onto the search engine, and Ana wants to know how. Are we sure she's 22 and not 12? As Ana goes to sleep, she wishes Christian was with her. Oh jeez.


The next day (yes, still the same chapter), Ana and her mom go shopping and then out for drinks. Well, great, go out for drinks again, Ana! Ana's mom goes for a bathroom break, and Ana begins exchanging e-mails with Christian again on her phone. At the end of the exchange, it's clear he's in the bar, watching her.

At least she's on birth control now.


Chapter Twenty Three


Ana's all, "My boyfriend's back and I'm gonna be in trouble."

Instead of being like, "That's crazy insane dancing on a toaster!" Ana's mom's all, "Hey-la, hey-la your boyfriend's back."

And even Ana's mom is now lusting after Christian. Are there no bounds to this man's perfections? I mean, aside from his abhorrent personality.

Okay, introductions made, Ana gets all snippy and short with Christian, who predictably bristles at this treatment after all the chummy little e-mails they've exchanged. And then Ana starts thinking that he can't be mad at her for having drinks with her mom.

Ana? Christian will be mad at you no matter what. Either you accept this about him and put on your big girl panties and live with it, or you dump him. Since you can't seem to dump him, you need to suck it up. 

Ana's mom invites Christian over for dinner and then absents herself to the Ladies even though she had just been there. Christian decides to take the time to discuss Mrs. Robinson with Ana. He calls her judgemental for thinking of Mrs. Robinson as a child molester.

Yeah, and all the laws we have protecting children are just so arbitrary and mean. Just ask anyone in NAMBLA.

There is no way in hell I'm looking for a picture to follow that up with, so here's some kittens.

Christian says he doesn't want to discuss this all right now, so Ana ends it by saying that Mrs. Robinson is to Ana what Jose is to Christian. Christian finally figures out that Ana's jealous, but Ana modifies his conclusion by saying she still thinks poorly of Mrs. Robinson for what she did to a teenaged boy.

Christian says this stupid thing:

And as for your jealousy, put yourself in my shoes. I haven't had to justify my actions to anyone in the last seven years. Not one person. I do as I wish, Anastasia. I like my autonomy. I didn't go and see Mrs. Robinson to upset you. I went because every now and then we have dinner.

Um...you mean like how Ana hasn't had to justify herself to anyone for her whole life and likes her autonomy too and you're expecting her to put all of her metaphorical eggs into your basket and let you rule her life while you continue to do any little thing your heart desires? Good job, Christian. Good job.

Just putting this out there: psychopaths aren't capable of putting themselves in anyone else's shoes. They are completely devoid of empathy. Just saying.

"I'm a psychopath. We look just like everyone else."

As they're in the middle of arguing about Mrs. Robinson, Ana's mom comes back and Christian leaves because I don't know why. Maybe to stop the argument? Anyway, Mom's like, "You two are obviously crazy about each other."

Emphasis on the "crazy" part.

She says that they're obviously in love, and Ana says no, but her mom's not convinced, but Ana's hung up on the D/s thing. I don't blame her, the way Christian does it is no way to have a relationship. (Not being a part of the lifestyle, I can't speak for others, but it doesn't seem like something you just do on the weekends, yanno?)

Eventually, Mom talks Ana into going to Christian's room.

Oh great. More sex is in store because they need to "talk" and this is how they "talk."

Christian is on the phone when Ana comes in, but we get a really good description of the room. I guess if you can't have well-rounded characters, you shoot for well-rounded hotel rooms. When Christian gets off the phone, Ana restarts the argument about Mrs. Robinson, and Christian admits that he didn't love her. This relieves Ana so now we're a-go for sex. Or, more appropriately, we're a-go for sex while Ana's on her period.

I really hate this author.

Do I have to commentate on the sex? They do it in front of the sink. Watching themselves in the mirror. Christian helps Ana manually manipulate herself, and then of course she bends over and takes it. Then they get in a bath.

Okay, I totally go for old wives' tales, and two things you aren't supposed to do on your period are have sex and soak in a bath or hot tub. Ana is doing both so far.

They get in the bath and Ana realizes that the scars Christian has on his chest are burns. Like cigarette burns.

My grandparents had a dog that had a cigarette burn on its butt. If I ever find the guy that did that to her...Anyway, that sucks. Ana wants to know if Mrs. Robinson did it, and Christian says no. Let it go, Ana.

Christian says that if he hadn't met Mrs. Robinson, he'd probably have ended up like his birth mother, and that Mrs. Robinson helped him. He says that he doesn't talk about this with anyone except his psychiatrist and sometimes Mrs. Robinson, but he wants Ana to trust him, so he's telling her.

"Let's do some trust exercises I learned at the last CEO retreat..."

Ana, of course, can't let that go. She wants to know more. I've said this before and I'll say it again: I really hate that the author couldn't just have Christian into kink or BDSM, she has to make him psychologically broken in some way and have that be the reason why he turned to BDSM. It makes it seem like no "normal" people would be involved in the lifestyle. So the end of this story has to be that Ana helps Christian learn to have "vanilla" sex because that's what's acceptable.

After Ana is finished grilling Christian, he decides to grill her back. Back to quid pro quo, Clarisse. He wants to know how Ana feels about the proposed D/s arrangement, and Ana says honestly that she doesn't think she can do it. Christian doesn't think she can, either. He proposes some kind of compromise, the first that we've seen in this book that we are 75% of the way through, a book about a relationship, whose entire plot is wrapped around a relationship (such as it is...in both cases...). Ana says that what they're doing now is tying her up in knots, and of course Christian has to make a quip about it. She splashes him, and then of course they have sex.

Oh look! A tiny turtle nomming a strawberry!

Okay, so they talk afterwards. Ana sort of says something about how many women Christian's had sex with, thinking the number's only seventeen. Apparently it's more. But we're in the tens! Christian's no slag. These two finally have a normal conversation where Christian isn't ordering Ana around and she's not petulantly placating him. Wow. Maybe there's hope for this book.

Hm...now we're at 85%. Maybe not.

Chapter By Chapter synopsis: Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 21

Vacation post!

Before I begin, I wanted to talk about the VW Beetle thing. Christian doesn't want Ana in a VW Bug because it's unsafe. So he buys her an Audi instead. Later in the book, he says that he thinks German and Swedish cars are safer and better. Apparently he hasn't heard why the VW Bug is referred to as "Das Auto."

Der Wagon ist kaput. (This is the car Christian bought for Ana. After an accident.)

This is the car Christian made Ana get rid of. What's the difference? Oh yeah, the engine in this one is in the back.

Anyway, my brother was talking to my mom about how he wants to buy my older niece, Triple C, a classic car and help her rebuild it, learn how to change its oil and work on its engine and all that. They talked for a bit about how any classic car would need a new engine with fuel injection and all that because actual classic cars only get about six miles to the gallon. Then my mom said, "They're just so much safer." So I had to join the convo just because: Safer? You don't say? I asked about steel frames and fiberglass and airbags and all that. My brother's conclusion was, "In newer cars, there's maybe a steel frame, but it's mostly aluminum on the outside. You get a '65 GTO, and it is all steel all over. Steel frame, steel doors, everything." He then said that Little Bit will also be getting her own car when she's around eight to start working on with Daddy. My mom loved the idea because they would learn self-reliance and also have something that they could do with their father, and my brother pointed out that if either of them ever needed money, they could always sell the car for a tidy sum. "Of course, Daddy wouldn't let that happen..." he said with a laugh.( I don't think either of them would sell just because it would be their own car that they built themselves with their father whom they both worship. ) (I mean, honestly, you should see the way Little Bit looks at him, and he is the only one who can calm down ADHD Triple C when she's all wound up.)

So, in conclusion, my brother is more than willing to put the two things he loves most in the world in a classic car, but he also wants to teach them how to work on it, change oil, rotate tires, fix transmissions, et al. He thinks they'll be safer. My mom  thinks they'll be safer. Their Mom's dad thinks they'll be safer and is probably chomping at the bit to get a classic in the garage. If classic cars are "death traps," then why would the two premier men in my nieces' lives want them in one?  Why would no one object to them being excited about it?

(I think Little Bit will be more of a Chevy girl, while I totally see Triple C in a Ford or maybe a Chrysler. In fact, I think Big Brother already has a Ford in mind for Triple C, or he wouldn't have brought it up.)

(Then again, my brother encouraged me to ride The Intimidator with him and kept telling me to put both my hands and feet up, so he could have really high-paying insurance policies out on all of us and is waiting to cash in.)

Lo, I was intimidated. And scared. OMG please don't ever make me go on that again!

The thing is, if Christian wanted to object to the Beetle because Hitler (*ptooey*) himself called for it to be designed and built, or because they are really unreliable and tend to have engines that spontaneously combust (in original engines, though most engines are now rebuilt), then I could get behind him. But just to say that it's old and not safe is not good enough. I also think that Ana's dad should have done better by her and taught her how to take care of her classic car. Modern cars need very little by way of fixing. You get oil changes ever 4-5 thousand miles (in some cars, they can go even longer), and then when they get to be a few years old, you trade it in. But Christian objected to Ana herself driving the car. Taylor has driven tanks and motorcycles, so he's okay driving it. But Ana? Oh heavens no! She'll die just by sitting in the passenger side! The entire exchange was devised to  make Ana look weak and Christian look strong. Ana is incapable. Christian and Taylor are capable. End of story.

Okay, onto the chapter.

Chapter Twenty One

We are greeted with Ana trying to make sense of light flooding into her room from floor-to-ceiling windows because the concept of morning is too difficult for her to winkle out. She likens Christian's apartment to a castle in the sky, away from "hunger and crack-whore mothers." Yeah, at the tops she's seeing great sights, but down at the bottom, the turtles have rights* (yeah, I can quote great literature, too). Just because she can't see hunger and crack-whore mothers, that doesn't mean they don't exist. I'm really curious why, if she says she cares about Christian's upbringing and it bothers her so much, that she's not trying to do anything about it. I mean, I get that she has interviews and is starting a new "relationship" (such as it is) and all, but if it really bothers her that this guy she's with was raised that way, shouldn't she be thinking about advocacy or volunteering or getting involved in some way? It makes me think that she only cares about Christian growing up that way, and everyone else can just hang themselves.

Recently, there were a couple of dogs that were lit on fire and just left to die that way. Some were rescued and are doing marginally well considering, and I've read that one died. It sickens me and disgusts me. That my cat was abandoned in a crate outside of a high school upsets me. I love him. But I know that he and the dogs that are found are the lucky ones and that there are so many more out there without a voice or an advocate or Max Mixon coming to save them like the sexy modern-day knight that he is.

I'd go to Houston for him.
Also, Who's a good doggie? You are! You are! Max won't let those mean people hurt you any more. You are a good baby, and you deserve better.

Just because I saved Mr. Chekhov, Rain Bird, and a few others along the way of my life doesn't mean I'm going to stop advocating for animals. Christian is a grown man (physically. Mentally he's about five...) and can take care of himself. What about other people, EL James? You had the perfect opportunity to show how extraoridnarily easy it is to volunteer and advocate, and instead you have your heroine mooning over her boyfriend and his past like it's up to her to save him when he's perfectly capable of saving himself. How about they bond at a soup kitchen? Or forego buying a new, fancy car and instead donate to Habitat for Humanity? How about she and Christian take the food they don't eat and give it to the begger on the side of the road? I often go to this diner and get a sandwich, eat half, and package up the other half because there is usually a person or two at a particular corner asking for food. None of them has ever tried to take more or jump in my car or anything like that. They have always been grateful for the food. It's just that easy. Really.

(Aside: I was just talking to my mom about this area of the book, and she said that sometimes people who are abused will focus on someone else's suffering so that their own suffering won't seem so bad. So, here's a psychological question: if Ana is being abused and is focusing on the past suffering of her abuser, then what does that say about her? And let's keep in mind that she signed on for this abuse, too.)

Okay, back to the book. Ana is wondering what Christian's "more" means. She wants to "talk" about it. This couple doesn't talk. They screw. I'm doubtful they'll ever have a conversation.

Ana runs into the housekeeper, Mrs. Jones, and Ana immediately assumes that she and Christian are having sex together. I mean, why else would the lady be in the house? She starts to wonder if all of Christian's blonde minions are ex-subs, and pretty much everyone else in the world rolls their eyes because come on, girl! Not everyone is gaga over your little Bingley clone! It's getting really old by now.

This picture will never get old.

Ana finds Christian talking on the phone, sounding all important and whatever. We get more condom action and sexytimes on Christian's desk, and can I say that I can't wait for Ana to get on birth control? The condom thing is getting as old as the idea that every woman in the world wants Christian. (Remember: you're a lesbian if you don't think Christian is hot.)

After they're done, Christian says that Ana does something strange to him or whatever, and really? That thing she does is called telling him no. I'm absolutely convinced of this. If he's been in some sort of D/s relationship since the beginning, then he's had no actual relationships in his background. I just want to remind you that I don't think his relationships necessarily follow the D/s pattern, I think he's more into kink, but if he's been in this situation where he started out being ordered around, and then he goes to be the one doing the ordering, and Ana is the first one who tells him "no," then her having a personality is what is doing strange things to him.

People? This is not normal!

Okay, so afterwards, Ana decides that Christian is getting into a weird mood, and I just don't see why. He is actually being sort of...kind...to her. She teases him about having a condom in his pocket, and he says he was hoping for something to happen. So how is this making her glow fade? If a guy said that to me, then I'd feel pretty good. Does Ana want to be persecuted?

Okay, she calls him on his "weird" attitude, and he's as mystified as I am. He says he enjoyed their tryst. See? Geez, Ana. Take a pill.

And now she's overanalyzing again. Ladies? Men like sex. It's not that difficult to understand. I love how Jeff Foxworthy says that men are generally thinking, "I'd like a beer, and I'd like to see something nekkid." Every guy I know has said that Cosmo's little "How to drive him wild in bed" advice is a waste of money because all you have to do is show up. Preferably naked. Don't overthink this. In this book, though? It's like the author is begging us to think that more is there. Ana is just musing over how complicated Christian is  without any proof. My brother and I were both abused growing up, so I think we're both a little more complicated than usual, but at the end of the day, my brother is still a pretty uncomplicated guy. He likes compliments when he does something right, he likes his wife to love him, and he likes his little girls near by. Christian is not going to automatically be complicated because the author says so. See above: Ana tells him no. It's that uncomplicated.

I know it's an oversimplification and a generalization, but it's the best I can do here.

Okay, at breakfast, Christian asks if Ana has bought her ticket yet. The ticket that she'll need tonight? To go to Georgia? I checked Princeline today, and to go from Seattle to Atlanta and it will cost anywhere from $771-1395. For coach. If she leaves two weeks from today, the price goes down by over $300. Who is this author? What the heck is her problem? It is not that hard to research this stuff! Maybe it's because I'm pretty well traveled and have family here in the South (I'm currently writing this from a hotel room in Charlotte), but I would imagine that even anyone who has never left their hometown would know that one does not simply walk into Mordor the airport and buy a ticket for that day unless one has unlimited funds and an emergency that sends you away. Have we never heard of planning?

You know, I'm starting to think that Christian has a point about how Ana can't take care of herself.

Ana once again brings up why Christian doesn't like being touched. I just have to say: if you know someone that has been abused, even if they are in therapy, don't press them for information. Just try to respect their boundaries. As they become more comfortable with you, they will open up more. Christian is evasive and Ana finally gives up. This would be great if she would just back off, but note from the future: she won't. I really hate that this author makes me feel badly for Christian in this area. I mean, seriously, Ana, back the truck up.

Finally, Christian asks Ana if she'll miss him, and she says yes. This makes him happy. See? Not complicated or difficult.

At the second publishing company, Ana is musing over her first interview and getting ready for her second interview, and sitting on a green Chesterfield. Okay, is the author nodding to the Barenaked Ladies, or is she trying to make herself look savvy about furniture?

If I had a million dollars...I'd be rich.

We are introduced to our third POC in the form of an African-American receptionist. Ana thinks she'd like to be friends with this lady, but come on. We know that's not going to happen. Of course, she can't go for more than thirty seconds without thinking about Christian, so Ana immediately puts her new potential bestie out of her mind so she can think of the unexpected ways Christian can be sweet and kind when he's not being overbearing and controlling. For most abuse victims, it's the kindness of their abuser that keeps them going. Just saying.

Ana meets Jack Hyde who only likes American classic novels published after 1950, so we already know he's a no-good scoundrel. That's pretty much all you need to know about him. Oh, and he has red hair and "fathomless" blue eyes. She feels settled when she leaves and Jack Hyde manages to rattle her by shaking her hand. Now that she's Christian's, she can't have other men shake her hand any more.

He likes the Young American Novels. (See what I did there?)

Back at Ana and Kate's apartment, we find out that only Kate can look good in jeans, a T-shirt and a bandana. I don't know, I think I look pretty cute like that. Kate asks if Ana is running to Georgia to escape Christian, and Ana lies and says no. And then Kate shifts almost immediately and says that it's obvious they've fallen for each other, and one needs to make the first move. I now have Reader's Whiplash at this change.

Kate goes out for take-out, and Ana e-maikls Christian. He tells her she's the most fascinating woman he knows, and I instantly feel sorry for him. I mean, we've seen his mom for all of five pages and she's managed to be more interesting than Ana in that short space of time. And at least Kate has some kind of past. Mrs. Jones the housekeeper has only been in about three paragraphs and already I want to pick her brain about what it's like to be Christian's housekeeper. I'm sure she could tell some stories. Ana, though? Vanilla ice cream on white bread with margarine. She's not even real butter.

Ana finally asks Christian about whether Mrs. Jones was a sub at one point, and her character immediately rockets up in my estimation when Christian says no. There are more exchanges, and Christian says that Ana is only honest, but yet possibly ironic, in her e-mails because blah blah blah. God these two are so freakin' boring! I mean, back the day when I was a romance novel junkie, at least I could have the sex scenes when the characters were boring, but I don't even get that in this book!

At the airport (finally!) we find out that Ana's been upgraded to first class because of course Christian did that. Personally, I wouldn't care, but I'm laying down bets that Ana will. I'm writing this on Monday the 9th, and I'm flying out Tuesday the 10th, and I'm going to dream tonight about being updated to first class.

End of chapter. I'm going to pick this up probably in a few days, so we'll see if I get my dream.


*If you don't think Dr. Seusse is a great literary author, then you have your own issues.

You're a lesbian if you don't think Christian Grey is hot

Hi, people. OMFG I can't believe you guys are finally starting to comment (and spew Twining's English Breakfast tea, thank you, Kelly!). I'm getting some great comments, too. I've had confirmation that this book is not BDSM, and many of you are just confirming that I'm as funny and awesome as the voices in my head tell me I am. One of you (hi, Zee! Welcome!) said that there's a review at Amazon that basically accuses anyone who doesn't find Christian (and by extension, Edward) sexy and doable of being a lesbian. I spent a few seconds trying to find the review so I could rip it to shreds, but then I stopped. Firstly, anyone that narrow minded (is being a lesbian a bad thing? Was she insulting people?) probably wouldn't benefit from the shredding, and secondly, the author is the one who sets this idea up.

I've mentioned this before, but I'll just say it again for context: I am not gay. My obsession for Nigella Lawson aside, I like men.

She's cooking both literally and figuratively.

I don't like Christian Grey for a myriad of reasons that I have outlined on this blog numerous times. Probably the number one reason is that he is abusive. I don't think that I need a number two or three or eleven after that. If I need more, he is also controlling and overbearing. He is mean and arbitrary, he thinks that his girlfriend is a weakling who needs protection from the Big Bad World, and his perspective on life is by necessity skewed towards some crazy alternate reality where he is the moral center. He is narcissistic, having built himself onto a pedestal (probably more the authors doing) that no man can topple. Christian puts himself first in every situation, even when he's trying to perform some sleight of hand where it seems like he's putting Ana first, he puts himself first. I cannot respect this man, and by extension, I could not love him.

The book, however, is hell-bent on making us love Christian. Everywhere Ana goes, there are women looking at her with jealousy. The maid at his parent's house, random strangers on the street, his exes, everyone is jealous of Ana. Why? Because Christian is so hot, they want to be with him. Anyone else reminded of the Chris Brown tweets after the music awards where tons of girls were like, "I'd let him slap me around." Looks aren't everything, but they are also subjective. Looks, however, are the only reason why these women are staring daggers at Ana. And let us not forget the auditorium full of families waiting for the commencement of their loved one, that shining moment when their little boy or girl will finally accept their diploma and enter the wonderful world of adulthood. What does Ana think? That all the women in the place are hanging on Christian's every word. Is it because what he's saying is erudite and eloquent? Is it because of the suffering of the unfed masses that he is bringing to life through his prose? No. It's because of his face.

This face.

I've already talked a little about how the author has made her characters out to be objectified sexual creatures, but I'll go there again. This author does not conceive of a scenario where her characters would not be attracted or attractive to someone of the opposite sex. In the third book, Ana actually says that Christian doesn't work with brunettes close to him because he's attracted to brunettes, so he hires blondes. Not only is he setting himself up for a lawsuit, but he's also saying that he has no control over his libido. This explains his attraction towards Ana and his subsequent pursuit of her, but it's not a realistic view of the vast majority of human beings. Not only does it not account for a scenario where Christian is not attracted to a brunette woman, but it also does not account for a brunette woman not being attracted to Christian. It also does not allow for personality and habits. What this author is writing about is lust. Uncontrolled lust.

This lust is not centered around one or two characters, however. Everyone in this world is governed by this same lust. Guess what? I'm not a part of that world. I'm a part of the real world that is happening around me, and no matter how attractive a man may be to me, I don't go off on uncontrolled binges of arousal when I'm around them. They also show me the same courtesy. I see a person who is attractive to me, and I think, "Oh, he's a good looking man," or, "Oh, what a pretty woman." And then I let it go. Why? Because they are a human being and they don't deserve to have me drooling all over them, no matter who they are or how attractive they are. I might flirt or smile, but if I don't get a reaction in return, it holds no bearing over how I conduct my life. I totally felt that, when I read the passage about the blondes/brunettes, that if a girl didn't show interest in Christian, he would stalk and harrass her until she either gave in or filed a restraining order. How am I supposed to find that attractive?

I get that these books are supposed to be fantasy for bored hausfraus, but there is a sinister edge to them underneath it all. Few men can measure up to Christian Grey because few men would feel comfortable displaying his blatant sociopathy, and those that would probably wouldn't be attractive to the vast majority of the population. People are real, flesh and blood. People have flaws that go beyond arrogance and clumsiness. People are gay. People have fetishes. People have specific likes and dislikes. People are diverse and interesting and so much more than a bland two-dimensional character in a book.

If I'm a lesbian for preferring a flesh-and-blood man who gets tongue tied while talking about his interests because he just can't get less passionate about them, or a guy who is unashamed to impersonate Captain Picard at any given moment, or a guy who drives an old beat-up Honda, then sign me up for lesbianism. If saying no to someone like Christian Grey will turn me into the crazy cat lady down the street, then get me about ten more cats because I'm there. Don't waste time looking for this guy, people. Look at the one right in front of you. The one sleeping beside you. The one you smile at every day in the coffee shop. Getting your face out of a book means being susceptible to hurt and all sorts of other unpleasantness, but isn't it better than staying with that book?

Even for him. Especially for him.

The Overprotective Boyfriend in Novels

Modern novels pretty much say that if your boyfriend is not actively stalking you, then he must not care. I have no idea if this started with Twilight, but I'm going to assume it did. When you contrast Twilight with a book like The Princess Bride, you see two very different dynamics. Firstly, when Westley discovers that Buttercup loves him, his first impulse is to go away. To leave her. Alone. With any manner of men hanging around her. In Twilight, when Edward realizes that Bella loves him, he becomes attached to her hip even more than he already was. (Keep in mind that before they started dating, Edward was watching Bella sleep at night and followed closely behind her friends while they went for a trip into the Big City for some ho clothes. After they started dating, they were inseparable.) Take even The Dresden Files, where we are unsure if Murphy is dating anyone at all and she's a tough kick-ass cop and she has martial arts awards. And Harry Dresden not only appreciates this about her, but he respects her for it and admires how she's able to bring a grown man to tears by a well-placed knee.

"I don't need a fedora, but I like a fedora."

I'm not saying that male writers do relationships better, I'm just saying that they don't equate constant togetherness with twu wuv.

(You see what I did there?)

Have you the wing?

And it could just be a YA thing, too. I don't see many Adult-Adult books with this theme, but again, most of the Adult-Adult books I read are written by men...

I can't tell if YA novels are preying on the fears of young girls with regards to rape and abuse, but if they are, in the author's attempt to assuage a character's fears about rape generally makes her the prey of every man in the universe except the guy she's currently dating so that he can save her from those men and therefore make her even more dependent on him than she otherwise would be.

Now, the problem with teenaged relationships is that teenagers are basically still children (doesn't adolescence supposedly last until 21-22? I don't know, but it lasts a long time), and children lack the life experience that is required for really good, balanced relationships, and the only way they can get that experience is to have relationships. So they're pretty much doomed until they hit their mid-twenties, fingers crossed that they didn't do something stupid like marry their childhood sweetheart. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) What I'm saying is, remember in New Moon when Bella finally starts snapping out of her zombiehood and her friends are all pissed at her? Most people (well, I can't really speak for guys but most girls I've known) experience this after breaking up with a guy that they dated for an extended period.

I was in the band in high school (shut up), so most of the time when we dated between ourselves (like an episode of Friends), we were usually together no matter what (making breakups haaawkward) so my band friends didn't get into this as much as my non-band friends did. And if you didn't have any classes with those people, you'd see them at lunch and be like, "Where have I been? I've been here, eating lunch at our usual spot while you made out with your pimple-faced idiot boyfriend all afternoon, thank you very much. No, I do not want to share a pizza, just tell me why you're here so I can get on with my day, okay?" Only I was a teenager so it probably came out more like, "Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Most authors probably remember this. Maybe some of them haven't grown out of that phase yet. But the point is that if this boyfriend that this author is writing were a guy in real life, you'd call him a perv and creepy, no matter how floppy his hair was.

Christian Grey/Edward Cullen levels of floppiness should be avoided at all costs.

I think the thing that I find the most disturbing, after the assumption that women don't know how to take care of themselves and that disaster awaits them around every corner, is that the authors create all other men as rapists waiting to happen. They take the lowest common denominator and apply it to all men everywhere, and EL James even went a step further and put Christian Grey in that category. Yes, she did. In the third book, Ana remarks that Christian doesn't hire brunettes to be his assistants because he is attracted to brunettes. There is no room for him to not be attracted to a particular brunette, or to reason that no matter how attracted he is, he can't date her since she's his underling because he's a grown-ass man who knows better. No, he's a walking hard-on, and any brunette in his path will feel his mighty staff.

This makes women objects of lust. It makes us purely sexual creatures. It makes us the prey of any man who finds us attractive because naturally they want us in that way and our simple act of existing is somehow offensive to them. It also objectifies men. They become the walking hard-ons who want only one thing out of life and that one thing is sex. It also takes away any choice from them because there's no room for him to say, "But I don't want to rape this girl if she's unwilling to be with me." He's essentially saying, "I must have this girl, and if she doesn't want me, I shall have to rape her." So that's where the overprotective boyfriend comes in. He doesn't have to rape the female protagonist because she's already giving it to him, but he does have to protect her from all the other guys who just naturally want her because she exists and that's her point of existing.

Buttercup had a huge adventure after Westley went away. Count Reugen decided that she was the most beautiful woman in the world, and Prince Humperdinck decided to make her a princess so she could marry her (this doesn't happen in the movie). She survived The Cliffs of Insanity, the fire swamp, an ROUS attack, lighning sand, and a nice jump from a castle tower. After that, she totally intimidates the castle guard all by herself and gets Westley, Inigo and Fezzik to safety. (We think.) (Read the book.) If she had been Bella, she would have been dead for all of that because Bella would have killed herself the moment someone told her that Edward was dead. Bella could never switch places with Murphy because after her first martial arts class, she would have fallen and broken every bone in her fragile little body.

Bottom line, this way of writing hurts women. It hurts teenagers. It hurts men, too. It puts unrealistic expectations on relationships and makes controlling, abusive people seem normal. It makes uneven power dynamics in a relationship look reasonable, and I really think it can make inexperienced girls afraid--of men, of being on their own, of not being in a relationship--and that's not what literature should do. Literature should empower women. Katniss was not afraid of Gale or Peeta or any of the other guys trying to rape her. There was one man (one, uno, ein, un) in The Seam who preyed on young women, but he used them as prostitutes so at least they got something out of it. (I know, but...she recognized him as a pervert! Not as a normal example of human males!) Neither did Peeta or Gale stalk Katniss. Westley left Buttercup on her own while he went out into the world to get educated so that he could provide to her. He actually trusted her to not only "behave" while he was gone, but to wait for him and he promised to be true to her as well. Harry might hold information back from Murphy, but we're literally talking about life-or-death, and he actually tells her more than he should (legally by the laws of the White Council) and trusts her to be able to defend herself. If anything, she takes care of him.

So, Authors of the world, can we please have more kick-ass heroines like Katniss and Murphy and put Bella and Ana in the place they should be in: the girls that Katniss and Murphy would try to save from their abusive boyfriends? That's all I ask.

A post about nothing

I know I should be posting more about Fifty Shades because I want to get it over with, but I have to re-read it at this point and make notes. I was making notes while I was reading at first, but then I had to give up because it was really breaking my concentration, so now I'm making posthumous notes on a second read. I'm not sure if my future posts will be as good because I'll have more information now, and it won't be as "real" as my previous posts, but I think I can get it funnier.

I interviewed a cat sitter last night. Chekhov consented to let the lady pet his ears and his cheeks, but watch the chin, woman. We aren't that closely acquainted yet. My bird loved her, though. Mostly because she spent her first ten minutes admiring him and saying how cute his face is. My bird is a sucker. I also predict that Chekhov will absolutely love this woman by the third day, if not before.

I read a really interesting article a week ago about children who present with psychopathic tendencies and the psychiatrists who are trying to intervene before these kids grow up to ruin people's lives. It was very thought-provoking, and it followed one family in particular who had three sons, and the eldest was the one with the presumed psychopathy. The reporter's observations were really chilling, like, the boy would get upset with his younger brother (who idolized him) about something, maybe a taken toy or taking the elder's game off of pause and affecting his score, etc., and the cold, calculating manner that the eldest would use in order to exact his revenge.

You think of kids as being more impulsive and less patient when it comes to retaliation, but this young seven-year-old boy bid his time and exacted his punishments in such a way as to try and deflect everyone from thinking he was taking revenge from the earlier infraction. When he realized that the reporter wasn't buying his act, he simply said, "As you see, I don't like my brother very much."

The worst part of the article, though, was in the comments section, when people actually started judging the parents for having more children after this one. I didn't get that. And people were liking their comments! As if it's any of their business! But it made me feel bad, because I thought that once about a family. They had six biological children, and all six had some sort of disability, including four with autism which is a statistical anomaly (Read: bullshit). My first thought was, "Munchhausen by Proxy" (probably correct) and my second thought was, "After the second, they really should have stopped. That's just wrong." Was my thought right? It feels right. It still does. That doesn't MAKE it right, but it still feels right. But I can't think that about the other parents. They have a child who will more than likely bring them heartache later in life, unless this early prevention works of course, and they deserve two kids who might actually make them happy. But what about the kids? They have to deal with an abusive older brother. How much can he hurt them? How much will their lives change because of this kid? And yet, at the end of the day, it's the parent's decision to have more.

Speaking of narcissists, my dad drunk dialed me the other day and then proceeded to tell me everything my brother has been doing since about October of last year, and no matter how much I tried to explain to him that I've actually seen and talked to my brother regularly since that time and know exactly what he's been up to, my dad just kept talking at me and telling me what was going on which was ridiculous. I mean, he called me while I was vising my brother at Christmas, and he kept getting upset that the baby was "talking" while he was trying to talk to me, so he had to know that I'd be aware of what my brother is doing! Sometimes, I get really mad at my mom for having children with him, and sometimes I get mad at God for allowing it to happen.

Anyway, that brings me to my trip that I'm about to take in a month (!!!!!!!). I have booked the plane and the rooms, now I just need to find us a car. It's my niece's first birthday! I can't wait.

Chapter by Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapters 3-5

Chapter three


I have this in my notes: “i wish kate was a sassy black friend instead of the dull white girl that she is. this book needs some color. i'm tired of all the grey. wokka wokka.”



So, Kate is Ana’s really close friend (and my friend Cassandra pointed out in her article that Kate never wonders if Ana is gay despite the fact that Ana has men swarming her and isn’t interested in any of them. Sort of odd, yeah?), and she’s all rich and Society and enjoys shopping and crap. Her parents bought a duplex for her when she went to college, and a nice Mercedes and all sorts of stuff, but she still manages to be a nice person.



Guess what, Author? The kids at my college who are given all that stuff? They are clueless moronic frat boys and sorority girls. They have no sense of responsibility or money, and they don’t take any pride in ownership. Their cars start out the year all shiny and sleek and end filled with empty Del Taco cups and scratches and dings and a layer of dust on the paint job. If you want to make Kate a really well-rounded character, I need more from you. You see, I live in this world, and I have never met a girl like Kate who wasn’t put through paces of work at an early age.



Anyway, it turns out that Ana doesn’t even know why Kate had her interview Grey. She thought it was just some sort of project, but it turns out that Grey will be giving a commencement speech, and he is awarding a 2.5 million grant to the college. I would like to know if it’s a one-time grant, or a yearly grant, because honestly, 2.5 million isn’t huge in the scheme of education. Anyway, Ana’s cluelessness knows no bounds, how can she be unaware of this? I’m assuming that Christian is supposed to be like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs. If one of these guys was going to speak at your university, wouldn’t you know about it? If they gave grants, wouldn’t you have heard?



So, Kate is working really hard on the article and bemoans not having a picture of Grey. This is stupid. That’s what Google Images is for. Ana calls her “Carla Bernstein” and I roll my eyes hard. (note from the future: rolling your eyes is apparently bad.) Ana decides to call Christian Grey on his cell phone, which he gave her the number to while they were at the hardware store, and ask for a photoshoot. Of course, the usual photog for the school paper is out, so it will have to be Jose who takes over. This is going to go over like a lead zeppelin. These two are going to get along great.



Apparently, Ana can hear Christian’s “sphinx-like” smile as she talks with him. I have in my notes, “do sphinxes smile? QED.” The answer is…no! They do not! The definition of sphinx-like is “mysterious and not allowing people to know what you are thinking.” She asks him to do a photo shoot. He says yes. All of her needed interactions with him are currently satisfied. She doesn’t need to know any of his other secrets.



So, Christian shows up a day early for the commencement so Kate can get some pictures, and he goes to the room with pants that hang from his hips. Are they palazzo pants? They hang from his hips? He’s a CEO of a very large multi-million dollar corporation. I have a hard time believing that his pants are not impeccably tailored to fit him perfectly. Heck, Bill Gates is the kind of guy who shows up places looking like he jogged the last half-mile in 90% humidity, and yet his pants are tailored. Surely someone as gorgeous and good-looking as Christian Grey has pants that fit even better. But no, they hang from his hips, and every gang-banger in Santa Ana with their pants sagging down past their hips is now as well dressed as this imaginary CEO.

Pictured: Palazzo Pants hanging from the hip

Ana describes a bodyguard-type guy and makes sure we know he’s watching everything with his hazel eyes. I’m SO GLAD we cleared that up. How would I know what to think of this (yet again) white guy if I don’t know what color his eyes are? Heaven forefend! Now I know so much about him and feel so much better for the knowing.



Kate is not flustered by Christian. According to Ana, it’s because her family has money and shit, but really? Can it be that maybe Kate doesn’t lust after the guy? And maybe if she does lust after him, she’s just really good at hiding it because she’s not some socially awkward person who can’t hide her feelings?



Christian Grey has copper-colored hair that is wild and crazy, and that makes me think of the guy who plays Bingley in the current Pride and Prejudice movie.



Simply Resistible. But totes adorbs.



Yeah, he’s cute and all. But he’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

Pictured: My cup of tea.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t try to change the ideal of what a handsome, macho man is. I think it’s great that we’re seeing more heroes who are blonde and ginger, and yes, at times, even (gasp!) brown or black (not in this book, though…just so you know). But the obsession that this author has with this guy’s hair is just unhealthy, and that we get every few minutes an update on how wild and unruly it is…I don’t care if he’s Prince Harry. I don’t want to hear it. Give him some actual characterization already and leave his hair alone! It’s probably going to fall out in the next ten years anyway.

Pictured: Prince Harry. Most people's cup of tea.

Where was I?



Oh, right. The book.



Jacob…er…Jose and Christian don’t like each other after just one look. That’s it. No more. They hate each other. But they do the photo shoot.



I have this in my notes: “everyone is still murmuring and muttering. doesn't anyone just talk in this book?”



So, the murmuring and muttering. No one “says” a word. They murmur, mutter, mumble, whisper, choke, shout, caress, taste, but no actual talking in an understandable way. I’m just going to go out on a limb and say that there would be a lot fewer misunderstandings later on in the book if everyone would just “say” something now and then. And while I hate it when an author has their characters “say” a question rather than “ask,” I have never faulted an author for just letting their characters talk. I read a book a few months ago where all the characters “chuckled” out their words, no matter how inappropriate a chuckle would be with said words, but I never felt like shouting “Mumbler!” at them.



Moving on.



So, Christian asks Ana out to coffee despite the fact that Ana doesn’t drink coffee (sorry, no tea or frappuccino for you!), and she says yes, but then Kate goes all mother bear on her and is like, “He’s dangerous for a girl like you.” and “like you” means “a virgin” because going for coffee means having sex immediately afterwards, perhaps even in the bathroom while drinking the coffee.



I have this in my notes: “okay, no one has even held her hand? has she been in a convent or a cult for the last twenty-two years?” This is what the narration says. No one has held her hand.



A few more notes:



“how do you gaze at someone through your lashes? do you have to squint? wouldn't that be unattractive?






i'm so glad i know the table they're sitting at is birch veneer! i'd hate to be under the impression that it's real walnut or pine!






he wonders why she's so repressed and uncomfortable around him. probably because he's the only one to ever make her feel sexually attracted to anyone.






she's always blushing.






so, he asks her if she has a boyfriend, and if she's uncomfortable around men, and all this, but she asks him if he has a girlfriend, and then she gets embarrassed?






and he doesn't do the girlfriend thing.






of course she almost falls into the street.






he saves her and they embrace, and she wants to be kissed for the first time.






no one said lust made sense.”






And that’s the end of the chapter.



Chapter four



Christian warns Ana away from him. He’d just be no good for her and he can’t give her what she wants. So no to sex then? Then he goes on and on about what could have happened in the bicyclist had hit her, she could have been seriously injured or something, and he just “shudders to think” what could have happened. It’s just…the most insane rejection I’ve ever read, coming from a character who is going out of his way to put himself in the presence of this woman, which reads to me that he’s emotionally unstable and she’s better off without him.



Well done, Ana. Good job of dodging that bullet. Next thing you know, he’ll be trying to run your life. (note from the future: there is no way to get him to stop running her life.)



She finally thinks of the guys she’s rejected in the past, and she wonders if they’ve ever felt this way about her. Well, in her defense, she’s never asked them out, shot off probing questions at them, and then told them to stay away from her. And now I’m mad because I’m defending her, but come on. There’s a huge difference between leading someone on and telling someone no.



Ana decides to get drunk, which she’s apparently never done before. Before she gets her drink on, though, there’s a delivery of books for her—several first edition books from the 1800’s—from Christian of course. This is how he gets her to stay away? Is this supposed to be sexy?



At the bar, Jose says, “Dios mio.” I counter with, “!Hijole!” Ana is apparently countering with “Reposado.”

Guacatelas.



Ana eventually becomes so inebriated that she decides to drunk dial Christian because that’s what anyone who got drunk would do, and no I’m not saying that sarcastically. This is why you leave your phone at home when you’re mad at someone and decide to get drunk. There is no way this can end badly.



What’s horrible here is not that Ana drunk-dials Christian. I mean, that’s normal. What’s horrible is his reaction. He gets all upset, and then RUNS DOWN TO THE DAMN BAR TO GET ANA BEFORE SHE CAN HURT HERSELF BECAUSE SHE IS THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE WORLD TO EVER GET DRUNK AND HAVE TO RELY ON THE GOODNESS OF HER FRIENDS TO GET HER HOME.



This is so ridiculous. I cannot find this man attractive. He is overbearing and controlling and high-handed and so very, very sanctimonious and I just don’t get the attraction. There is no way that this man is anything other than annoying and to be avoided at all costs. He is not sexy or protective. This is not what you want in a man, ladies. If you are dating someone and they treat you like this, run!



He tells her that her being drunk is “beyond the pale.” Yes, he says that without any hint of irony. He also decides to spin her around the dance floor after he found her puking in the bushes, which just goes to show that he’s as stupid about her safety as she is. Jeez. What kind of idiot does this?



So, she faints.



Chapter six



Ana wakes up in Christian’s hotel room, in his bed, and then gets a huge lecture about responsibility and getting drunk and thanks a lot, Dad! Then he says that if she were “his,” she wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week. Thanks again, Dad! Time to cut those apron strings. She is so much better off without him and why oh WHY am I on Ana’s side? Good lord I hate this book!



He makes her take a shower and then scolds her for having damp hair because that’s how you catch a cold, doncha know. It has nothing to do with germs and viruses, just cold hair. You know what, Christian? She’s survived twenty two years without you ordering her around, I’m sure she can survive a whole lot longer.



Ana’s all concerned about waking up in his bed, and Christian writes that off quickly. He won’t touch her without written consent. This is not creepy in any way.



So, Christian went all Richard Gere in Pretty Woman on the breakfast items, and then starts scolding Ana for not eating much. He hates wasted food. Maybe he should have thought of that before ordering one of everything from the breakfast menu. It’s so nice to see that the plagiarism ideals Cassie Claire started all those years ago are still running strong. The only reason I can see for him ordering so much is so that he can yell at Ana when she wastes food, and then to keep her from seeing through his straw man, he starts scolding her for not eating before she got drunk the night before.

I wasn't sure what you would like, so I orderd one of everything. OMG, why aren't you eating it all you wasteful bitch!

If Christian is really upset about how Ana was the night before, then he should have just let her be. Blaming her because he’s a controlling sociopath who has a desire to own and control the lives of other people is not a decision based in logic. It makes no sense, and he is in essence blaming someone else for his own mistake.



THIS IS NOT SEXY! THIS DOES NOT EVEN LOOK LIKE SEXY! THIS DOES NOT BELONG IN THE SAME ROOM WITH SEXY! IT IS TO SEXY WHAT A HAWK IS TO A HANDSAW!



So, they go down in the elevator and make out. He holds her hands over her head the entire kiss so she can’t touch him. See above.



More to come.