You're a lesbian if you don't think Christian Grey is hot

Hi, people. OMFG I can't believe you guys are finally starting to comment (and spew Twining's English Breakfast tea, thank you, Kelly!). I'm getting some great comments, too. I've had confirmation that this book is not BDSM, and many of you are just confirming that I'm as funny and awesome as the voices in my head tell me I am. One of you (hi, Zee! Welcome!) said that there's a review at Amazon that basically accuses anyone who doesn't find Christian (and by extension, Edward) sexy and doable of being a lesbian. I spent a few seconds trying to find the review so I could rip it to shreds, but then I stopped. Firstly, anyone that narrow minded (is being a lesbian a bad thing? Was she insulting people?) probably wouldn't benefit from the shredding, and secondly, the author is the one who sets this idea up.

I've mentioned this before, but I'll just say it again for context: I am not gay. My obsession for Nigella Lawson aside, I like men.

She's cooking both literally and figuratively.

I don't like Christian Grey for a myriad of reasons that I have outlined on this blog numerous times. Probably the number one reason is that he is abusive. I don't think that I need a number two or three or eleven after that. If I need more, he is also controlling and overbearing. He is mean and arbitrary, he thinks that his girlfriend is a weakling who needs protection from the Big Bad World, and his perspective on life is by necessity skewed towards some crazy alternate reality where he is the moral center. He is narcissistic, having built himself onto a pedestal (probably more the authors doing) that no man can topple. Christian puts himself first in every situation, even when he's trying to perform some sleight of hand where it seems like he's putting Ana first, he puts himself first. I cannot respect this man, and by extension, I could not love him.

The book, however, is hell-bent on making us love Christian. Everywhere Ana goes, there are women looking at her with jealousy. The maid at his parent's house, random strangers on the street, his exes, everyone is jealous of Ana. Why? Because Christian is so hot, they want to be with him. Anyone else reminded of the Chris Brown tweets after the music awards where tons of girls were like, "I'd let him slap me around." Looks aren't everything, but they are also subjective. Looks, however, are the only reason why these women are staring daggers at Ana. And let us not forget the auditorium full of families waiting for the commencement of their loved one, that shining moment when their little boy or girl will finally accept their diploma and enter the wonderful world of adulthood. What does Ana think? That all the women in the place are hanging on Christian's every word. Is it because what he's saying is erudite and eloquent? Is it because of the suffering of the unfed masses that he is bringing to life through his prose? No. It's because of his face.

This face.

I've already talked a little about how the author has made her characters out to be objectified sexual creatures, but I'll go there again. This author does not conceive of a scenario where her characters would not be attracted or attractive to someone of the opposite sex. In the third book, Ana actually says that Christian doesn't work with brunettes close to him because he's attracted to brunettes, so he hires blondes. Not only is he setting himself up for a lawsuit, but he's also saying that he has no control over his libido. This explains his attraction towards Ana and his subsequent pursuit of her, but it's not a realistic view of the vast majority of human beings. Not only does it not account for a scenario where Christian is not attracted to a brunette woman, but it also does not account for a brunette woman not being attracted to Christian. It also does not allow for personality and habits. What this author is writing about is lust. Uncontrolled lust.

This lust is not centered around one or two characters, however. Everyone in this world is governed by this same lust. Guess what? I'm not a part of that world. I'm a part of the real world that is happening around me, and no matter how attractive a man may be to me, I don't go off on uncontrolled binges of arousal when I'm around them. They also show me the same courtesy. I see a person who is attractive to me, and I think, "Oh, he's a good looking man," or, "Oh, what a pretty woman." And then I let it go. Why? Because they are a human being and they don't deserve to have me drooling all over them, no matter who they are or how attractive they are. I might flirt or smile, but if I don't get a reaction in return, it holds no bearing over how I conduct my life. I totally felt that, when I read the passage about the blondes/brunettes, that if a girl didn't show interest in Christian, he would stalk and harrass her until she either gave in or filed a restraining order. How am I supposed to find that attractive?

I get that these books are supposed to be fantasy for bored hausfraus, but there is a sinister edge to them underneath it all. Few men can measure up to Christian Grey because few men would feel comfortable displaying his blatant sociopathy, and those that would probably wouldn't be attractive to the vast majority of the population. People are real, flesh and blood. People have flaws that go beyond arrogance and clumsiness. People are gay. People have fetishes. People have specific likes and dislikes. People are diverse and interesting and so much more than a bland two-dimensional character in a book.

If I'm a lesbian for preferring a flesh-and-blood man who gets tongue tied while talking about his interests because he just can't get less passionate about them, or a guy who is unashamed to impersonate Captain Picard at any given moment, or a guy who drives an old beat-up Honda, then sign me up for lesbianism. If saying no to someone like Christian Grey will turn me into the crazy cat lady down the street, then get me about ten more cats because I'm there. Don't waste time looking for this guy, people. Look at the one right in front of you. The one sleeping beside you. The one you smile at every day in the coffee shop. Getting your face out of a book means being susceptible to hurt and all sorts of other unpleasantness, but isn't it better than staying with that book?

Even for him. Especially for him.

Let's talk about sex.

Hi, ladies. Let's talk.

Look, I know that more than a few of you had really bad experiences the first time you had sex. Some of you were maybe pressured to do it before you were ready--maybe by your friends or boyfriend--and some of you just wanted it over with already. Some of you even wanted it for the wrong reasons.

Sex is a very emotionally charged act, especially since you're usually naked when it happens, and you often feel vulnerable both before and after, and that first time can be sort of odd and painful and, as I heard once, can make you have that embarrassing feeling like you just wet the bed.

Even after that first time, sex can be dirty and sticky and be had for the wrong reasons, or can be an unbalanced act where one partner is more invested than the other and everyone ends up feeling it was less than desirable. Sometimes, hindsight can make good sex seem bad, especially after a really bad break-up. Especially if that was your "first."

But let me just tell you; that experience? That's part of you now. Your virginity? You didn't "give" it "away." You absorbed it. Your hymen is yours, it will remain yours, and it will always be yours. The guy you were with? He doesn't retain any part of you, except that lingering feeling that he lost a really good thing when he lost you.

Your sex is what you make of it, whether you want FWB or a committed relationship or a polyamorous commune. It is your body, and no one owns it but you. Your pleasure is yours to be had, and shared if you wish. Own your body. Own your sex. Own whatever area of your life, whether you are proud of it or not. It is yours to cherish and learn from. Don't be embarrassed by any of it.

Finally, do not, under any circumstances, write a book about the way you wish you would have lost it, and create a guy to lose it to who is in no way resembling of any man alive. You are better than that. You are human, and so is the guy you had sex with at the first. Also, that guy you're imagining? He will never exist, and you don't want him to, either. Don't be EL James and Stephenie Meyer and Kathleen Woodiwiss and all of those other authors who create really outlandish men and the virgins they seduce.

Just be you.

The Meat Market

So, summer's here and I'm thinking of dusting off my online dating profile and updating my pictures, etc. Except I'm not happy with how I'm looking right now since I gained weight lately (like, a lot--maybe 15lbs.). Still, this happens. Especially when stress is introduced into your life.

Still, online dating is really...well, it's just such a horrible thing. It's great, but it's horrible.

I asked a friend one day why there are no self-help books for men on dating sites and she was like, "Would men read one?"

I don't know, but a lot of them need it.

Like, I'm all for specificity. I like men who can make me laugh, and a guy without a sense of humor is not what I'm looking for. I really like sarcastic, ironic, satiric humor and I very rarely run into anyone who can do this, so I'm not surprised when I find few online, and even less surprised when even fewer are interested in me. I mean, I have to be realistic here. In life, not everyone is attracted to you. But then you look at men's profiles, and...it just seems like they think they're owed the world. One profile said "I like petite, athletic women with long, blonde hair and long manicured nails." I mean, great. That's great. It's nice to know, as a taller-and-larger-than-average-woman that this guy wouldn't be interested in me. However, a) he wasn't much of a looker and he was overweight himself, which seemed really hypocritical, and b) ew. Gross. Creepy. Even if I had fit the bill, I would have turned and ran as quickly as possible. Is it really that hard to weed through your responses and open communication with women who are physically your "type" without putting THAT on your profile?

Then there are the car pictures. I have rarely seen a profile of a guy where he's not standing in front of his car/motorcycle/truck. It doesn't matter if it's a Porsche or a Yugo, they will pose in front of it like it's a Nobel Peace Prize or something. I appreciate a guy who takes pride in ownership and keeps his car clean for our dates or whatever, but aside from that, it's really not something to get that tripped up about. It's a car.

Then there are the guys who email you one-to-two-word emails.

Them: Hey.

You: ...hi?...

Which can either result in another one-word answer (usually: sup?), or a misspelled tirade about how you obviously feel you're better than him, he was just trying to say hi and you just had to act like such a bitch. Jeez. What's wrong with you?

And then you report them and have them blocked and it's a hassle because then they just create a profile under another name and try the same thing later.

I'm sure that men have other horror stories. I mean, some girls out there think that men are their own personal ATM's and chauffeurs and bringers of gifts. I'm sure we have pictures that make men think, "Why are they always posed X way?" or something. But I don't look at their profiles. I only see the men's profiles. And one guy said that he liked women who mentally challenged him, but he wasn't expecting a "genious." It took me a while to figure out that it wasn't an ironic spelling.

People talk about the bar scene like it's disingenuous or shallow, but then you go online and you get the exact same stupid frat boys who think they're god's gift intermixed with nerdy-and-not-that-bad-looking-but-not-that-great-either-average-is-okay-but-I'm-totally-looking-for-a-supermodel-and-will-complain-for-hours-that-women-only-want-bad-boys-and-not-nice-guys-like-me and very rarely a guy who just wants to date someone and maybe try and settle down. But you still have to weed through them all, just like you'd have to at a bar or a booze cruise or any of those other places that are looked down upon. "Oh, you met on a cruise around Balboa Island? Hmm...pick-up artist, anyone?"

So...I need to hunker down on the working out and really push myself (I'm trying to make it to a ten-minute mile) and try to handle my stress better, and then maybe I'll feel like taking pictures soon. Hopefully before June.

Jealousy

I've been surrounded by pregnant people and people with kids lately, and I'm sort of surprised how un-envious I am of their growing families. I figured that my biological clock would turn on at some point, and I'd get baby fever and then my uterus would explode out my chest and start swallowing children or something. But it's not happening to me.

What I am jealous of are people who are in relationships. I really miss male companionship and kissing and all that fun stuff that comes when you have a person in your life. I get really upset with the women I know who are getting involved with men, and the irrational part of me thinks that they did it so easily and that it's not fair. The rational part of me knows that they have struggled just like I have, but the selfish part then steps in and wonders why they got lucky and I didn't.

I should also mention that I never go anywhere or do anything any more. I have a profile on a dating site, but I haven't checked in on it since before Thanksgiving. Realistically you could point out that I'm not doing anything proactive to meet someone. Realistically, you could also shut your freakin' pie hole, sanctimonious jerk. Stop judging me.

(that was a joke.)

(not funny?)

Anyway, it's hard being alone.

There's this guy...he's good looking and nice. I like him. But I don't like him that way. Even if I did, I think my flirting button is somehow broken, and I doubt I could send him any signals even if I wanted to.

I'm sort of pathetic over here.