You're a lesbian if you don't think Christian Grey is hot

Hi, people. OMFG I can't believe you guys are finally starting to comment (and spew Twining's English Breakfast tea, thank you, Kelly!). I'm getting some great comments, too. I've had confirmation that this book is not BDSM, and many of you are just confirming that I'm as funny and awesome as the voices in my head tell me I am. One of you (hi, Zee! Welcome!) said that there's a review at Amazon that basically accuses anyone who doesn't find Christian (and by extension, Edward) sexy and doable of being a lesbian. I spent a few seconds trying to find the review so I could rip it to shreds, but then I stopped. Firstly, anyone that narrow minded (is being a lesbian a bad thing? Was she insulting people?) probably wouldn't benefit from the shredding, and secondly, the author is the one who sets this idea up.

I've mentioned this before, but I'll just say it again for context: I am not gay. My obsession for Nigella Lawson aside, I like men.

She's cooking both literally and figuratively.

I don't like Christian Grey for a myriad of reasons that I have outlined on this blog numerous times. Probably the number one reason is that he is abusive. I don't think that I need a number two or three or eleven after that. If I need more, he is also controlling and overbearing. He is mean and arbitrary, he thinks that his girlfriend is a weakling who needs protection from the Big Bad World, and his perspective on life is by necessity skewed towards some crazy alternate reality where he is the moral center. He is narcissistic, having built himself onto a pedestal (probably more the authors doing) that no man can topple. Christian puts himself first in every situation, even when he's trying to perform some sleight of hand where it seems like he's putting Ana first, he puts himself first. I cannot respect this man, and by extension, I could not love him.

The book, however, is hell-bent on making us love Christian. Everywhere Ana goes, there are women looking at her with jealousy. The maid at his parent's house, random strangers on the street, his exes, everyone is jealous of Ana. Why? Because Christian is so hot, they want to be with him. Anyone else reminded of the Chris Brown tweets after the music awards where tons of girls were like, "I'd let him slap me around." Looks aren't everything, but they are also subjective. Looks, however, are the only reason why these women are staring daggers at Ana. And let us not forget the auditorium full of families waiting for the commencement of their loved one, that shining moment when their little boy or girl will finally accept their diploma and enter the wonderful world of adulthood. What does Ana think? That all the women in the place are hanging on Christian's every word. Is it because what he's saying is erudite and eloquent? Is it because of the suffering of the unfed masses that he is bringing to life through his prose? No. It's because of his face.

This face.

I've already talked a little about how the author has made her characters out to be objectified sexual creatures, but I'll go there again. This author does not conceive of a scenario where her characters would not be attracted or attractive to someone of the opposite sex. In the third book, Ana actually says that Christian doesn't work with brunettes close to him because he's attracted to brunettes, so he hires blondes. Not only is he setting himself up for a lawsuit, but he's also saying that he has no control over his libido. This explains his attraction towards Ana and his subsequent pursuit of her, but it's not a realistic view of the vast majority of human beings. Not only does it not account for a scenario where Christian is not attracted to a brunette woman, but it also does not account for a brunette woman not being attracted to Christian. It also does not allow for personality and habits. What this author is writing about is lust. Uncontrolled lust.

This lust is not centered around one or two characters, however. Everyone in this world is governed by this same lust. Guess what? I'm not a part of that world. I'm a part of the real world that is happening around me, and no matter how attractive a man may be to me, I don't go off on uncontrolled binges of arousal when I'm around them. They also show me the same courtesy. I see a person who is attractive to me, and I think, "Oh, he's a good looking man," or, "Oh, what a pretty woman." And then I let it go. Why? Because they are a human being and they don't deserve to have me drooling all over them, no matter who they are or how attractive they are. I might flirt or smile, but if I don't get a reaction in return, it holds no bearing over how I conduct my life. I totally felt that, when I read the passage about the blondes/brunettes, that if a girl didn't show interest in Christian, he would stalk and harrass her until she either gave in or filed a restraining order. How am I supposed to find that attractive?

I get that these books are supposed to be fantasy for bored hausfraus, but there is a sinister edge to them underneath it all. Few men can measure up to Christian Grey because few men would feel comfortable displaying his blatant sociopathy, and those that would probably wouldn't be attractive to the vast majority of the population. People are real, flesh and blood. People have flaws that go beyond arrogance and clumsiness. People are gay. People have fetishes. People have specific likes and dislikes. People are diverse and interesting and so much more than a bland two-dimensional character in a book.

If I'm a lesbian for preferring a flesh-and-blood man who gets tongue tied while talking about his interests because he just can't get less passionate about them, or a guy who is unashamed to impersonate Captain Picard at any given moment, or a guy who drives an old beat-up Honda, then sign me up for lesbianism. If saying no to someone like Christian Grey will turn me into the crazy cat lady down the street, then get me about ten more cats because I'm there. Don't waste time looking for this guy, people. Look at the one right in front of you. The one sleeping beside you. The one you smile at every day in the coffee shop. Getting your face out of a book means being susceptible to hurt and all sorts of other unpleasantness, but isn't it better than staying with that book?

Even for him. Especially for him.

Fifty Signs of Abuse

Okay, not fifty, but here are some signs of abuse:

Is jealous or possessive toward you.

Christian has decided Ana is his because he "took" her virginity. He doesn't like anyone else being in her life.


Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.

There isn't a time when Christian isn't trying to be demanding or bossy towards Ana. He tells her when to eat and how to dress, even getting upset if she's wearing too little. He gets upset when her hair is damp after a shower because she could get pneumonia or something.

Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.

 Jose. That's all I'm saying.

Okay, I'll say a little more. The first week they know each other, Ana goes to meet Christian's parents. She still hasn't signed the contract. Mom asks Ana if she's doing any traveling over the summer, and Ana says she's been thinking about going to visit her mother in Georgia. Christian gets pissed. Like, PISSED. He even tells her it's something he's angry about. This is Ana's mother. Even if it was her best friend from kindergarten, Christian has no reason to be upset with Ana for thinking (not making any plans yet, just thinking) about visiting her mother. He's isolating in other ways, but this was the one that got my blood boiling.

Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.

The times Christian gets angry and petulant are always times that any normal person would be fine. Just like Ana wanting to see her mom. He gets upset over petty things, too, like the eating thing, but also he thinks Ana doesn't sleep enough, the night she drunk dialed him, etc. Any time Ana shows any sign of independence, he gets upset.

Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.

The book is basically him trying to talk her into being his submissive sex slave.

Abuses drugs or alcohol.

He drinks a lot for a guy who supposedly never gets drunk, but he's actually too controlling to get drunk. It's the opposite side of the coin.

Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)

Yes. Whenever Ana wants to be herself, he gets upset. He even tells her at one point that if she would just sign the contract to be his sub, then they wouldn't have to argue about anything any more, because she'd just do what he wants to do without question. Basically, her being an autonomous human being is upsetting to him.

Blames you when he or she mistreats you.

See above. He wouldn't be angry or have to spank her for being bad if she'd just do what he says without question.

Has a history of bad relationships.

So far he's had fifteen subs and a cougar who used him as a sub.

Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.

Kate is the only one he can't charm. Naturally, he's not very fond of her. Jose's not too fond of him, but that's because he likes Ana too.

You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.

Ana is such a bundle of nerves around Christian that she can't eat half the time she's with him. She also worries about how he's going to take certain things, like the fact that Kate's brother is going to be one of her roommates, or that she wants to hang out with Jose or anything like that. She makes her life revolve around him.

Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.

No, he's not like that. He jokes about his "twitching palm", but she does too.

Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.

Yes! Christian was totes abused as a kid.

Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.

See above examples. Christian views any disagreement that Ana has as an argument, and gets angry with her when she's upset with him for the intrusions he makes in her life, particularly with buying her a car because he's decided that hers is unsafe, and buying the company she gets a job with because she turned down his offer of internship. There's also petty stuff, like if he thinks Ana is wearing too little, or eating too little or walking down the street without an escort.

Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.

They do drink a lot.

You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones.

So...Ana actually leaves Christian a couple of times, but every time he comes back for her and Kate is the only voice of reason. Mostly because this all happens so quickly (their relationship is seriously a week-long thing) that no one else really sees how much Christian hurts Ana.

You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.

 That's pretty much Ana at the end of the first book.  


Does the person you love...


• constantly keep track of your time?

 Christian is all over Ana about where she is and what she's doing.

• act jealous and possessive?

 When is he not?

• accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?

 He doesn't necessarily think she's unfaithful or flirting, but he thinks that every man in the world is trying to "steal" her from him (remember, she "belongs" to him because he "took" her virginity) and that the men can't be trusted.

In the second book, Christian gets angry at Ana for hugging Jose, and then later for teasing Christian's bodyguard about something. Ana freaked out about the second one, worried she had gotten Taylor into trouble by teasing him.


• discourage your relationships with friends and family?

 The Georgia thing. He was really upset that she decided to go, and then he showed up in Georgia even though Ana had told him she wanted to be away from him and have time to think.  


• prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?

 Christian would prefer that Ana didn't work at all, and gets upset any time she makes plans.  


• constantly criticize or belittle you?

 The one good thing about Christian is that he tells Ana she's pretty and smart a lot, and when she's given a promotion at work, he is totally unsurprised and says that he has no doubt her work has realized how valuable she is.  


• control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)

 He's always pushing money on her and trying to get her to accept his elaborate gifts, and he's only upset when she won't take it. It's the opposite of a controlling spender.


• humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)

 Again, he doesn't do this. It's the only thing on this list he doesn't do.


• destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?

 Ana had this classic VW Beetle. Christian freaked out that she was driving it and basically forced her to sell it (she had been thinking about selling it, anyway) and then he bought her a new car. It's not so much that he takes them, he tries to replace everything that has meaning to her with something that will make her think of him instead of whatever the other stuff is.  


• have affairs?

 Christian doesn't have affairs, but he's still pretty chummy with "Mrs. Robinson," the woman who seduced him and made him her sub when he was a teenager. Ana has repeatedly told him that she's uncomfortable with his relationship with this woman, and even though he expects her to give up Jose (she won't), he can't see why she's upset about Mrs. Robinson. He also has women who work with him, but apparently he's not out to rape them despite the fact that he's sure men are out to rape Ana.

• threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?

 He threatens to spank her pretty much from the beginning, when he went to kidnap her at the bar. 


• push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?

 They don't have kids. Yet.


• force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?

 

 The whole book is about him wanting to do sexual acts with her that she is uncomfortable with. 

Chapter By Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades of Grey: chapters 6-10

Chapter Six


In the Greymobile, Ana is all upset that Christian is saying nothing about their kiss. This is more than likely because the kiss just happened and there’s nothing really to talk about. Ana starts getting really irrational about how Christian is driving so perfectly and not talking and I’m like, what does she want him to do? Pull down her panties and start giving her a handy while they drive? He’s driving a car. Leave him alone.

The silence is soon broken by Christian taking a bunch of phone calls on speaker just to show how important he is. One of those people is his brother Emmett…er...Elliott, who apparently went home with Kate the night before. Elliott is a pretty nice guy, proving that Christian’s problems stem from sociopathy rather than his upbringing. Ana gets sort of jealous about how free and easy Kate and Elliott are with each other, and Christian’s like, “I’m not going to kiss you again unless it’s premeditated” and Ana is fine with that instead of wanting to run away.

Elliot tells Kate, “Laters, baby,” and you need to remember this because it will be in the book about ten thousand more times.

So, Ana and Christian have a date set, and it involves strapping Ana into a helicopter harness. Christian enjoys strapping her in, and then starts making comments about how she’s always biting her lower lip, and he wants to be the one to bite it, etc.

Basically, he wants her to control a nervous tick of hers because it drives him crazy, and he apparently has no self-control. Well, this is actually okay since Ana apparently doesn’t either.

Is the lip-biting thing a nod to how Kristin Stewart “acts” in Twilight? She’s all lip biting and twitchy and looks like she’s going to throw up every few minutes, which is somehow even more annoying than Bella Swan, so I’m just curious about this lip biting thing.

Ana asks if they’re going to make love, and Christian’s all, “I don’t make love. I fuck. Hard.” And he’s not going to do anything until she understands what she’s getting into.

I have this in my notes: “Oh, who am I kidding. i don't care how kinky the author wants things to get, if there's anything other than missionary in here, i'll eat my hat.”



Chapter Seven



Christian takes Ana to his playroom. She says, “The walls are dark burgundy giving a womb-like effect to the room.” Eh. Yeah. So sexy. Eugh. Jeez.

who's a cute widdwe ewephant? Who? You are! You are!

So, when I first read through this, I thought he had figured out that she was a virgin, seeing as how he knew everything about her from her clothing size to her address to her taste in books, but apparently he hadn’t figured it out yet, so I was really incredulous during this scene. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just have sex with her regularly a few times just to get her acclimated, and then introduce the other stuff, so I found this whole scene really disconcerting.



Ana, to her credit, asks some good questions about the whole thing, and she wants to know what she gets out of being a sub. She gets him, of course.

All aboard the Bingley express

So, I’m not an expert at D/s. It’s not really a lifestyle I’m into, but I have known others who are into it. Some who have even kept subs in collars and whatnot. It’s an interesting lifestyle, but it’s not usually combined with sex. D/s is usually a fulfilling activity in its own right, and it’s not unusual for people who participate in the lifestyle to go for months at a time without having actual sex. I will say this again: Christian is into kink, not BDSM. He likes sex. Rough sex. He likes to spank and punish and order someone around, but at the end of the day, he likes sex. It’s what he’s after. The spanking and the ordering around is not enough for him.



He also wants to not really have much of a relationship with his sub. This again would be against BDSM guidelines. Doms and subs need to be able to trust each other implicitly, and you don’t get that sort of relationship from spending a few hours in a playroom on the weekends. If you are a sub, then your Dom has complete control over you unless you tell him/her to stop. If you don’t trust them to stop when you tell them to, then you cannot trust them. If you are a Dom, you need to trust your sub to tell you when to stop. When you don’t trust that other person, people get hurt. People who are in these relationships usually know more about each other than couples who have been together for fifty years.



Anyway, eventually Ana informs Christian that she’s a virgin and he freaks out quite a bit because he’s all about control, and this was something he hadn’t foreseen. I will admit that his reaction is mildly adorable. He’s like, “We need to get you de-virginized STAT!” Of course, he’s pissed that she didn’t tell him about it. What was she supposed to do? When was she supposed to tell him? When they first met? I don’t get this guy. He makes no sense.



Chapter eight



They have sex. Geez. About time. Afterwards, he goes all sad sparkley vampire and plays a song on the piano.

The only time it's acceptable for a man to brood while playing piano. Hi, Johnny.

Chapter Nine



Ana wakes up, turns on her music, and starts dancing around the kitchen. Of course Mr. Creepy comes to watch and order her around, but that’s what he does.



Ana finally calls Kate, which is about twelve hours later than she said she’d call her. I’m totally disappointed in Kate for not calling the cops. Really, Kate, this is what friends do.



Okay, before I say this next part, I just want to be honest about the fact that I haven’t read much about this book before I actually read it. I did know that it was supposedly about BDSM, and that it was based on Twilight, which isn’t much of a stretch of the imagination, really. But I didn’t know which direction the book was going in (see above, re: my thinking Christian had to know Ana was a virgin). But this was my thought process:



This book is about BDSM (supposedly).



It’s based on Twilight.



Twitards are all about fantasy and making men who seem perfect but are really deeply sociopathic.



BDSM makes sense in that context, HOWEVER—



There is no way that this story would have been popular if it was about actual BDSM AND SO



The book must be about Ana finding out what happened with Christian earlier in his life that led him to this path and must THEREFORE



Find a way to cure Christian of his BDSM preoccupation.



Note from the future: You are so good, baby. Laters.



I’m really sorry. Really, I am. I’m slightly disappointed that it turned out to be this way. But these are my notes:



“christian says he never had vanilla sex before, which makes me wonder if he jumped in only doing bdsm, which is sort of like trying to build a highrise without a foundation.






well, this book wouldn't be very popular if it was actually about kinky sex, so maybe ana is supposed to teach christian how to do vanilla.”



I do think it’s nice that Christian tells Ana that she’s beautiful and compliments her and whatnot. It really is a good thing to tell the girl you’re sleeping with that she’s pretty.



I have issues with Ana performing her first BJ perfectly, and that she’s done it in a full bathtub as well. I’ll admit that I started skimming once the sex got graphic, but this is a bit unbelievable. People need help with this kind of stuff, so either she’s been practicing on her own, or she’s a miracle worker because he gives her an A.



Christian really wants her to sign the contract. I would think that if he really had her sexual well-being at heart, he’d want her to have more experience. Oh, but he owns her virginity. Retch. Whatever.



His mom comes over and Christian wants Ana to meet her. I hope we learn why he’s so messed up.



Chapter Ten



His mom wears neutrals because of course she does. She seems like a pretty decent lady, though, and she seems to be pleased that Ana is there.



After Mom goes away, Ana answers her phone thinking it must be Kate, and it’s Jose.



Okay, so the night that Christian came to the bar to “rescue” Ana, he found Jose pawing at her and trying to kiss her, and Christian has hated Jose ever since. And now he’s all pissed off that Ana is talking to Jose, and Ana wants to know why, and it’s because she’s Christian’s, not Jose’s, and…yeah. Way to set feminism back three hundred years. Does Jose need to give him a goat and three chickens to make up for it?



Christian says that Ana wanting to discuss their relationship is defiant on her part. So is wanting to have friends and a social life and all that other stuff that Christian thinks she shouldn’t have because she’s “his” and he doesn’t need those things.



Okay, so one of the things that makes a lot of sense is that Christian wanted Ana to sign a nondisclosure agreement. I get this. Could you imagine if Bill Gates was into BDSM? Heck, could you imagine if Jared from Subway was into BDSM? The tabloids would have a field day. But Ana needs to talk to Kate. Not about the bondage, but just about the sex. Christian isn’t into this. He thinks Ana should ask him all of her sex questions. Yeah. This is how he is. So, finally, he’s like, “Be discreet.” She will.



He drives her home, and I have this in my notes: “he is obsessed with her eating. is this a thing in the twilight fandom? is it because of the first book when edward was all over bella to eat and drink her coke after she almost got raped? is this their gauge at how much a guy likes you? i am glad i don't know, but sort of wish i did.”



I don’t get the eating thing. He lords over Ana until she is too nervous to eat, and then she can’t eat, and he lords over her for not eating.



Ladies (and gentlemen…), if this is what your relationship is like, you need to get out of it. This is not an equitable relationship. I feel like I need to stress this over and over again. This is not a good relationship. If a guy (or girl) makes you feel badly about yourself, you need to walk away from them. It will be hard, but you have to do it.



Okay, so Ana and Kate talk about sex and all that, and then Jose calls and accuses Ana of liking Christian because of his money. This goes over as well as you think it would. We can’t like Jose of course. If we liked Jose, we might think that he’d be better for Ana, and if we thought someone would be better for Ana, then we'd think Christian wasn't right for her. It's this sort of logical fallacy that keeps us going in this story. "Well, who else can she be with?" because her being single is out of the question. Don't forget: if she doesn't snatch up Christian, she'll be a crazy cat lady in her thirties and she'll never be loved by anyone!



Later, Ana is able to eat without Christian nagging her. Big surprise! He’d better stay away from the Souplantation. I was there over the weekend, and someone had three huge pieces of bread on a plate in the busboy station. It was pretty shameful. I mean, it's a buffet. You take one piece of bread, and if you want more, you go back for more. How hard is this? But they had to take three pieces and only eat a half of one. There are starving children in Africa!



We find out that Christian Grey was taken under the wing of a much older Dom while he was in high school, and Ana (and pretty much everyone else in the world) considers this to be sexual abuse. Again, I have this as my note before I read the rest of the book: “I wonder if he would look at it that way? Since I predict that this book will be about making Grey less kinky and more normal, I guess we have to deal with his angst later.”



I am sooo good. Really.



Our last thought before the end of the chapter is Ana thinking she’d never know about BDSM if she didn’t know Christian. I actually want to know how she’s never known about it before. I knew about it by the time I was….fourteen? I think? Grow up, little girl.



Laters, baby. More to come.

Breaking Dawn Review Part Three: Bella Gains Immortality, Loses Intelligence

In part one, Bella and Edward finally sparkle in the bedroom and make a baby. In part two, Jacob and Edward conspire to force Bella into an abortion and fail which ends up being good for Jacob because he "imprints" on Bella's baby (it's totally platonic!). Now, part three, in which stuff actually happens. Like, vampire stuff.

So, when Edward injected Bella in the heart with his venom (saliva), it hurt. In the Twiverse, changing to a vampire is painful. In the first book, Bella was bit in the hand, and she was screaming because it felt like her hand was on fire. Now in Breaking Dawn, Bella is all, "I'm in pain, but I won't cry out. I won't even say a word and they'll think, 'oh, she's such a good girl. She won't even cry.'" The reality is that Bella is in a lot of pain and it's freaking the Cullenses out because they're expecting her to cry and scream and otherwise feel horrible, but Bella just had to jump up and nail herself to a cross so she won't be a bother to anyone. What a freakin' martyr. Jeez.

When the pain finally leaves, Bella wakes up and gets all freaky at the Cullenses, who have never been anything other than nice to her. Her fear instinct kicks in, and she does Shaolin acrobatics above everyone's heads, flipping away from them all Crouching Tiger Hidden Dumbass. As with the rest of the books, it takes Bella a long time to locate the various parts of her body such as legs, feet, hands, lungs, etc. She remembers being pregnant and is all, "Bring me my baby, yo!" and for some reason, the idiots around her are like, "We don't know if that's a good idea." Bella is understandably pissed by this because she's gone to such lengths to protect her little Renesmee (despite giving her the stupidest name since Mitt), she sort of deserves her baby.

Finally, everyone decides that she can see her kid, and I don't have kids, so I'm probably not qualified to say this, but if anyone dared get between me and my sprog, I'd kill them. Dead. Bella instead passively makes her case until they lead her to the living room where Jacob is holding Renesmee (ew! If he changes her diaper ever, I will have to send his name to Chris Hanson) and feeling unwilling to let Bella have her. Bella is now the enemy to Jacob. Not because she's a vampire, but because she's a potential threat to his Precious. Bella tries to take her baby from the pedophile, and he won't let go of her. Bella is like, "What the heck, Jake?" and he's like, "I can't let you hurt her." and Bella's all, "She's my baby, you just move on your way. I said good day, sir!"

Now, when Bella was faced with Stalker!Edward before she knew he liked her (blood), she was passive. When Charlie unhooked the battery of her truck, she was passive. When Edward decided to leave her, she had a little fight in her, but in the end she fell asleep in the woods and turned into a zombie, which I'm pretty sure is passive. Edward removed parts from her car, passive. Alice decided to plan Bella's wedding without any input from Bella, passive. The only time Bella has fought was for her child, so I totally wasn't surprised when she tried to rip Jacob's throat out. What surprised me was that no one let her.

He's an eighteen-year-old man. Renesmee is a baby. He does not get to ever touch her ever. He is a pervert. I don't care how hard Smyers tried to convince us that he feels only platonically for her until she comes of age. This is not how you make people like a character. It's disgusting and vile and foul and gross and wrong. And he's living with vampires who have lived for hundreds of years, and none of them are like, "Dude, you need to leave." NO! Plus, Jacob makes this case about how he'll get depressed if he's away from the baby for too long. Dude! It's not a baby's job to make you feel good about yourself! You're an adult, go act like one and get the heck away, where you should have been since Bella said "yes" to Edward's proposal. Grow a pair and walk away. But noooo...

Anyway, the Cullenses stop Bella from killing Jacob, and Renesmee lets Bella know that the whole scene scared her and that she likes Jacob and she does this by putting her hand on Bella's cheek. I hope Bella has nice skin, because that's how you get pimples. Seriously, don't ever touch your face.

Anyway, all sorts of boring stuff happens after that. Edward takes Bella hunting for endangered species before retiring to their little cabin for the night. Alice and Esmee built a little cabin for them and decorated it for them and put clothes in the closet for them because God only knows that Bella just would never want to have a cabin that suited her own tastes with her own decorating style and her own clothes in the closet. I really get annoyed by Alice. She's so high-handed. Carlisle told Jacob at one point that Alice doesn't like them wearing the same outfit more than once, like that's her job in the family or something. If you want to know why Edward wears nothing other than beige, look no further than Alice. She stocks his wardrobe.

At first, Bella is unimpressed with the clothes and shoes Alice has supplied her, but by the middle of the third part, she's just putting on whatever is there. Angora suits. Cashmere shifts. Oyster-colored satin cocktail dresses. Everything is ecru and eggshell and off-white. In the first book, Edward loved how Bella looked in her blue sweater. I guess he'll never get to see her in a color again.

So, the stuff that happens. Basically, the Volturi hear about Renesmee and decide it's the perfect opportunity to kidnap Bella so they can figure out her gift, which they reason must be really interesting since no one could touch her with their ability in the second book. They're right. The Cullens summon as many allies to their house as they can try to keep their family intact and everyone thinks that Renesmee is a turned child at first, until the Cullens explain what she is. Alice disappears (yay!) on some crazy mission, leaving Bella a rabbit trail to follow which leads her to a guy who can forge papers. It takes Bella a long time to parse out why Alice would send her to this guy, and then she realizes that if everything goes pear-shaped, she's going to have to send Renesmee and Jacob away together, so she has papers made for them.

The cool part is that the forger gets sort of funny at the end and asks Bella if she's planning on kidnapping the little girl. Bella finally says that Renesmee is her daughter, and the guy is relieved, showing that he has some sort of conscience.

The part of this that made me feel a little funny was how Bella got the money to do it all. She snuck through the house and took the money from the drawers and closets where the Cullenses hide their money. I mean, they apparently have thousands just laying around the house and Bella had to "steal" it. I'm assuming that Alice left money here and there for Bella to find because if she had just given Bella money, it would have been suspicious. But Bella feels bad about taking the money. Like it isn't hers. But isn't it? She may not be able to buy her own clothes or cars or anything, but surely even a vampire needs pocket change? Everything in this family is considered communal, and I'm sort of surprised that Carlisle never showed Bella the drawers where the money is kept and is like, "So, if you ever need some cash, here you go. You never know if Ralph Lauren put out a camel-colored sport coat that Alice doesn't know about." Why hasn't Edward given Bella her own money drawer? I know this is an odd thing to wonder about, but if they're fabulously wealthy and own everything outright and only really have to pay for utilities and gas and sundries like that, then why doesn't Bella have her own allowance? Anyway, that's all.

There are other preparations that include the whole family and their allies, and Bella starts figuring out her gift. Apparently, she's a shield who can cast out a "net" of protectiveness away from herself, so when the Volturi come, Bella is able to keep them from using their super-powers on the people around her. there's a huge anti-climactic "war" where Bella puts a backpack containing the forged papers and a bunch of extra money on Renesmee's back, and puts Renesmee on Wolf!Jacob just in case he needs to run off with her. Edward's all, "I knew you were keeping something from me!" and Bella feels guilty about it, but the bottom line is that if something happens to Edward, Bella doesn't want to continue living. In that case, it would be best if Jacob just ran off with Renesmee because she wouldn't have any parents left, anyway. I mean, why would someone want to continue living if the love of their life died? Right? These people are so selfish.

After a whole lot of talking, Alice and Jasper return with some interesting people. People who are just like Renesmee. It turns out that there's a vampire in South America who's going around impregnating women, and Alice has one of the offspring of this guy. Vampire/Human hybrids apparently grow at an alarming rate (which is why Renesmee looks like she's six when she's only one), but then stop growing and remain that way forever. This is great news for Bella, who has been afraid that Renesmee would be dead in twenty years after having lived to old age in that timespan. Edward's all happy because he thinks the new humpire will be competition for Jacob, but Bella's not worried because she's sure Renesmee will always be with Jacob, which is a really terrible thought to have about your one-year-old. Since they're all going to be immortal forever, I don't see why Renesmee can't have both, but again that doesn't exist in the Twiverse.

The Volturi decide to leave the Cullenses alone for whatever reason, which doesn't really sound right to me, but apparently that really is the end. I mean, here are tons of people with really awesome gifts, and The Volturi are basically the royalty of the vampire world. There is no reason that they should leave, and no reason that they should be refused if they want some of the vampires with extraordinary gifts. I sort of wish there was a League of Extraordinary Vampires going on somewhere. They'd be morally ambiguous, doling out punishment and stealing famous artifacts, maybe searching for the Holy Grail or something. Sorry, it's hard not to think of ways to improve this really dull book.

Anyway, that's the end. Everyone lives happily ever after because of course they do.

Breaking Dawn Review: Equality does not mean you are better than me

When we last left our intrepid trio of vampire, werewolf and frail, fragile, sickly, demon-baking human, Edward enlisted Jacob to try to talk Bella into having an abortion, after which she could make sweet werewolf love to Jacob (presumably while Edward watches) so she can fulfill her womanly duty by having children that won't potentially kill her during their gestation.

Bella is not amused.

Jacob settles in at Casa Cullen with his two werewolf besties: a scorned woman who still bears the scars from her ex-fiance's first change to wolfdom before he dropped her ass for a toddler (remember: Twilight means never having to say you're kidding), and an overenthusiastic pup who is probably one of the most interesting characters in the book. The thing is, Jacob is technically alpha thanks to his father's position in the Queleute tribe, but the afforementioned toddler-raper has taken over because he's older. So, when Jacob decides that he has to take care of his twuu wuuv Bella (who, you know, is sort of married to a vampire, and whose ultimate goal in life is to become a vampire himself) and the rest of the pack is like, "Get over her," Jacob breaks free on his own and now he has a pack of his own consisting of three members. Yay.

So, their job is to keep Bella safe during her gestation period, and to make sure that the other wolves don't take the Cullens to task for finally turning Bella on reservation territory, which would be a clear violation of the treaty between the two groups. Jacob reasons that if the vampire clan changes Bella in order to save her life, then they're actually upholding the "sanctity of life" part of everything.

Now, are you ready to jump in? Because it gets worse from here.

So, Bella is all sick and yucky and Jacob is concerned because the VampSpawn is killing her by breaking her bones and bruising her internal organs, but Bella is so obstinate in the face of the life of her baby. Women can be so irrational and selfish.

Edward and Jacob have lots of silent conversations where Jacob thinks snarky stuff about the various people around them, such as how Rosalie is probably hoping that Bella will die so that she can raise the baby as her own (Edward agrees). The two men are actually starting to get along okay for once, and why not? Edward can't be really close friends with only the people in his family for the rest of his life, can he? Wouldn't it be great if there was someone who was fun and interesting in his life, like Jacob, who makes him laugh with his snarky commentary? But no, this can't last because the first law of Romance Novelia is that if there are two people of the same sex and only one of the opposite, then the two of the same sex must needs be rivals. To that end, Edward starts understanding his demon spawn as it plays kickball with Bella's bladder, and he starts seeing it as more than just The Entity That Is Killing The Woman I Love Most In The World and starts seeing it as its own person with thoughts and feelings. The strongest feeling is that it loves Bella, and it actually starts understanding how to be gentler to its mother.

This sends Jacob into a tail spin because again, parents should have absolutely no control over their own reproduction, and if someone, even just one person, thinks that them having a baby is a bad idea, then they should abort the kid no matter what. I mean, someone is emitting disapproval rays over here. Let's get with the program, parents.

Jacob takes the most expensive, beautiful car in the Cullen Garage and speeds to a park where he looks every woman there in the eye, hoping he'll imprint on her so as to end his torturous love of Bella. This is because he has no control over his own emotions and is a pathetic juvenile wuss.

People are always getting on Myers about how she treats Bella in her books, making her suicidal without a man, incomplete without a man, so focused on Edward to the point that she forgets everything else, including her own bodily functions, but no one mentions how she writes men. Jacob and Edward are whiny, needy, unable to put other people's feelings above their own, unable to see a big picture, and unable to just not love Bella if she's hurting them. This last one is more for Jacob than Edward. Jacob is so pissed that every time he sees Bella, she smiles at him and is so happy to see him. This is a problem for Jacob because he, like many of the men who walk into my office, can't seem to fathom a woman smiling at them without wanting to shag them also. It can't just be a nice smile, or in Bella's case, a friendly smile. Also, Bella can't seem to do the right thing and just tell Jacob to stay away. She also can't seem to follow through on this. You can argue that Jacob is only hurting himself by continuing to love Bella even after reason tells him to stop, but eventually he will start hurting Bella too. His love is not pure, not for the benefit of another. It is selfish and obsessive and he can't get over the fact that Bella didn't choose him. This is how stalkers are formed. The kind of stalkers who eventually end up wearing a skin suit.

There is just not one healthy relationship in this entire convoluted mess.

So, Jacob's part is mostly him moping around the CullenDen with Bella and Rosalie (who, remember, is staying as close to Bella as possible just in case she needs to step in and be a surrogate mother) and thinking about how much his life sucks because the woman he loves doesn't love him back, and he can't seem to imprint on anyone. Imprinting is what makes werewolves fall in love with toddlers. This is something Jacob wants.

Bella finally gives birth to demon spawn Renesmee in a gory bloodbath and Edward uses a cardiac needle to inject Bella with his venom, and it's at this point in the story that I start wondering about the venom and how Bella didn't turn the moment they kissed for the first time. I mean, the venom is his saliva, right? So when they kissed, there would have been an exchange of fluid, and she should have turned the first time.

This book is so boring that it made me start wondering about this stuff.

And then Jacob imprints on Renesmee and I, not for the first time, try and figure out how this author is free to roam around America rather than being locked in a padded cell because she is clearly psychotic and has a borderline personality disorder of some kind. This book is not healthy. It does not paint women or men in a positive light. It does not depict relationships in a positive light. There are no negative consequences for unseemly behavior. It makes pedophilia seem like a positive option. It indicates that you as a person has no control over your life and that you are and should be completely ruled by your emotions.

Part three to come.

Breaking Dawn Book Review: Abortion is not a Democracy

If you don't know that Breaking Dawn is the last book of the Twilight saga, then congratulations. You sort of win at life.

Like all of the Twilight books, BD centers around Bella, her perfect, super-human, absolutely wonderful, god-like boyfriend Edward and his incredible, amazing, perfect, beautiful family. In BD, however, Bella and Edward finally get married and get to have sparkley sex. Yay! Or...ew?

The book opens with Alice, Edward's pixie-like fashionista sister planning Bella's wedding. To the last minim. Because it's not like Bella has a mom who'd probably like to be involved with the wedding planning. No, everyone is kept in the dark, and Bella even has to undergo her dress fittings while her eyes are closed so she can be completely surprised on her wedding day. You know, as brides are wont to do. What bride wants to be bogged down with all that planning, anyway? It's so much work.

We learn that Charlie, Bella's human, fallible, somewhat stupid (in her opinion) father who can't possibly measure up to the Cullens, is still unhappy about the marriage but determined to see it through because he loves Bella. I grew up with a father who looked at my life as the exact same as his life with no distinctions between the two, and who would not hesitate to make the world's most gigantic stink if I ever married in a way that he disaproved of, so I sort of hate Bella for the way she treats her dad. She never looks at her relationship with Edward through her father's eyes. I mean, she ended up in the hospital for days after Edward lied about her "falling down the stairs." Charlie is a police chief. There have to be some domestic abuse situations going on in his town. He has to have heard the "fell down the stairs" excuse a hundred times. And let's not even get into New Moon when Bella's break-up caused her to go practically catatonic with depression. Bella has a dad who cares, and she doesn't care, and I could just scratch her eyes out for it.

Bella also complains about the car Edward bought for her. Because teenaged girls just hate when their boyfriends buy cars for them. It's too flashy, too visible. It's a testament to Bella's human fallibility, a monument to her weakness, her smallness, her mortality. Bella finds the car annoying for these reasons, and yet she overlooks her boyfriend's controlling ways because she's in lurve with him and they're perfect for each other and she can't live without him. These are not reasons to get married. They are reasons to seek counselling.

After the wedding, which is huge and lavish and fablablablah...

Look, I'm going to be honest: if I decide to get married (rather than moving to Spain and taking a string of international lovers, that is), I will admit that I won't care much about the ceremony and that I am like Bella in that regard (please, God, let me find a guy who wants a TARDIS chuppah!). I would probably either have a very small ceremony with just the necessary friends and family, or elope at the Star Trek Adventure. But that doesn't mean, if I had to have a huge wedding because of other reasons (maybe I'm going to marry a Public Figure? LOL) ,that I wouldn't have opinions about it, or want to see my own tastes implemented. Bella has no opinion. This is because Bella has no interests outside of Edward. Her wedding ends up being photogenic and perfect with everyone and everything in the exact right place at the exact right time. The wedding is every bit as boring as Bella and Edward, and they were in exactly zero control of any of it.

Anyway, then they move onto their honeymoon in South America, and that's where things get interesting. I mean, Alice packed tampons for Bella (Alice packed the honeymoon clothes, too. Because there's no reason in Helheim that Bella would want a comfy pair of jeans and a baggy sweater or T-shirt. No, just lingerie.), but apparently forgot to pack condoms for Edward because Bells gets knocked up.

Now, the entire series, Bella has been in mortal danger of the universe imploding on her at any second, and the only person who is qualified to save her is Edward. We are told throughout the entire series that Bella is ineffectual, stupid, weak, clumsy, unattractive, and just all-around not a good human being. But Bella figures out that she's preggy and she is the one who steps up to the plate while Edward has some crazy existential crisis. He moans about how he's a monster and he's sullied his sweet Bella and he's ruined their lives and oh, oh, ohhhhhh....life is just going to end! It's just going to be horrid! Help!

Bella in the meantime, is bonding with her baby. Her "nudger" as she calls it (come on, that's adorkable). It nudges her because it's growing at an alarming rate and she can already feel it. She is also calling the Cullens in order to make arrangements for going home, packing, and basically keeping her shit together. Looking back on the series, this is how Bella has always been. All of the stuff that Edward has done to keep Bella "safe" ends up backfiring on him (like going to Phoenix in T, or breaking up in NM, or the huge fight in E...), but Bella always manages to be strong and pull herself through. But Edward is always lauded as the saviour...

I don't know, all I can say is that SMeyers' is messed up and it comes out in her writing.

Anyway, they go home and the POV switches from Bella to Jacob because Bella is gestating CullenSpawn, and said spawn is killing her from the inside out.

So, here is the worst part for me. The absolute worst part. Jacob and Edward communally decide that Bella needs an abortion. Because abortion is a democracy. If you get pregnant, there will be a panel to decide if you can keep the baby.

I know there are pro-aborters who would totally try to talk Bella into having an abortion no matter what, and that there are anti-aborters who would talk Bella into having the baby no matter what, but neither group would be right. This is Bella's choice. She's not some unwed mother in the 1950's whose parents have the state-sanctioned right to 'send her away' for a year. She's a married woman. It is her life at stake and no one else's, therefore it is her decision to make. She knows that she can die, but her baby's life is more important than her own to her. I can't tell her she's wrong. But Edward will try. And he gets Jacob on his side.

"I would even let her have puppies," Edward says to Jacob, indicating that he'd 'share' Bella with Jacob because IVF does not exist in the Cullenverse. Jacob imagines a world where he 'gets' Bella on the weekends and Edward 'gets' her the rest of the week. Because women don't care who they have sex with apparently. Also, women are property to be lent out at the will of the owner.

I just...I can't with this woman.

The thing is, if Edward had just done as Bella had asked at the beginning (you know, taken her feelings and desires into account rather than just his own) and turned her into a vampire before all of this, Bella never would have gotten pregnant and they could have shagged happliy ever after. Edward's refusal to listen to Bella's wants and needs caused this issue in the first place. This relationship is so destructive and selfish that it's layered like a really stinky, rotten onion.

I like Jacob's reactions to stuff, and I even sort of like that Edward can read his thoughts. These two really have a much better, more equal relationship (at this point, but that will all change) and are totally better suited to each other than Bella and Edward. Jacob would never put up with Edward's navel-gazing, and Edward would never feel superior to Jacob for being bigger and stronger, and therefore his ego would be tempered. But alas! When you are a Mormon writer banging out a Mormon allegory, there can be no Ho!Yay! in Mormon territory. Not even Bromance. Edward and Jacob must be rivals or that would just be too gay.

Anyway, end of the second part, and I'll save the rest for later.