Fifty Signs of Abuse

Okay, not fifty, but here are some signs of abuse:

Is jealous or possessive toward you.

Christian has decided Ana is his because he "took" her virginity. He doesn't like anyone else being in her life.


Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.

There isn't a time when Christian isn't trying to be demanding or bossy towards Ana. He tells her when to eat and how to dress, even getting upset if she's wearing too little. He gets upset when her hair is damp after a shower because she could get pneumonia or something.

Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.

 Jose. That's all I'm saying.

Okay, I'll say a little more. The first week they know each other, Ana goes to meet Christian's parents. She still hasn't signed the contract. Mom asks Ana if she's doing any traveling over the summer, and Ana says she's been thinking about going to visit her mother in Georgia. Christian gets pissed. Like, PISSED. He even tells her it's something he's angry about. This is Ana's mother. Even if it was her best friend from kindergarten, Christian has no reason to be upset with Ana for thinking (not making any plans yet, just thinking) about visiting her mother. He's isolating in other ways, but this was the one that got my blood boiling.

Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.

The times Christian gets angry and petulant are always times that any normal person would be fine. Just like Ana wanting to see her mom. He gets upset over petty things, too, like the eating thing, but also he thinks Ana doesn't sleep enough, the night she drunk dialed him, etc. Any time Ana shows any sign of independence, he gets upset.

Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.

The book is basically him trying to talk her into being his submissive sex slave.

Abuses drugs or alcohol.

He drinks a lot for a guy who supposedly never gets drunk, but he's actually too controlling to get drunk. It's the opposite side of the coin.

Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)

Yes. Whenever Ana wants to be herself, he gets upset. He even tells her at one point that if she would just sign the contract to be his sub, then they wouldn't have to argue about anything any more, because she'd just do what he wants to do without question. Basically, her being an autonomous human being is upsetting to him.

Blames you when he or she mistreats you.

See above. He wouldn't be angry or have to spank her for being bad if she'd just do what he says without question.

Has a history of bad relationships.

So far he's had fifteen subs and a cougar who used him as a sub.

Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.

Kate is the only one he can't charm. Naturally, he's not very fond of her. Jose's not too fond of him, but that's because he likes Ana too.

You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.

Ana is such a bundle of nerves around Christian that she can't eat half the time she's with him. She also worries about how he's going to take certain things, like the fact that Kate's brother is going to be one of her roommates, or that she wants to hang out with Jose or anything like that. She makes her life revolve around him.

Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.

No, he's not like that. He jokes about his "twitching palm", but she does too.

Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.

Yes! Christian was totes abused as a kid.

Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.

See above examples. Christian views any disagreement that Ana has as an argument, and gets angry with her when she's upset with him for the intrusions he makes in her life, particularly with buying her a car because he's decided that hers is unsafe, and buying the company she gets a job with because she turned down his offer of internship. There's also petty stuff, like if he thinks Ana is wearing too little, or eating too little or walking down the street without an escort.

Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.

They do drink a lot.

You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones.

So...Ana actually leaves Christian a couple of times, but every time he comes back for her and Kate is the only voice of reason. Mostly because this all happens so quickly (their relationship is seriously a week-long thing) that no one else really sees how much Christian hurts Ana.

You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.

 That's pretty much Ana at the end of the first book.  


Does the person you love...


• constantly keep track of your time?

 Christian is all over Ana about where she is and what she's doing.

• act jealous and possessive?

 When is he not?

• accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?

 He doesn't necessarily think she's unfaithful or flirting, but he thinks that every man in the world is trying to "steal" her from him (remember, she "belongs" to him because he "took" her virginity) and that the men can't be trusted.

In the second book, Christian gets angry at Ana for hugging Jose, and then later for teasing Christian's bodyguard about something. Ana freaked out about the second one, worried she had gotten Taylor into trouble by teasing him.


• discourage your relationships with friends and family?

 The Georgia thing. He was really upset that she decided to go, and then he showed up in Georgia even though Ana had told him she wanted to be away from him and have time to think.  


• prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?

 Christian would prefer that Ana didn't work at all, and gets upset any time she makes plans.  


• constantly criticize or belittle you?

 The one good thing about Christian is that he tells Ana she's pretty and smart a lot, and when she's given a promotion at work, he is totally unsurprised and says that he has no doubt her work has realized how valuable she is.  


• control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)

 He's always pushing money on her and trying to get her to accept his elaborate gifts, and he's only upset when she won't take it. It's the opposite of a controlling spender.


• humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)

 Again, he doesn't do this. It's the only thing on this list he doesn't do.


• destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?

 Ana had this classic VW Beetle. Christian freaked out that she was driving it and basically forced her to sell it (she had been thinking about selling it, anyway) and then he bought her a new car. It's not so much that he takes them, he tries to replace everything that has meaning to her with something that will make her think of him instead of whatever the other stuff is.  


• have affairs?

 Christian doesn't have affairs, but he's still pretty chummy with "Mrs. Robinson," the woman who seduced him and made him her sub when he was a teenager. Ana has repeatedly told him that she's uncomfortable with his relationship with this woman, and even though he expects her to give up Jose (she won't), he can't see why she's upset about Mrs. Robinson. He also has women who work with him, but apparently he's not out to rape them despite the fact that he's sure men are out to rape Ana.

• threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?

 He threatens to spank her pretty much from the beginning, when he went to kidnap her at the bar. 


• push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?

 They don't have kids. Yet.


• force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?

 

 The whole book is about him wanting to do sexual acts with her that she is uncomfortable with. 

Chapter by Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapters 3-5

Chapter three


I have this in my notes: “i wish kate was a sassy black friend instead of the dull white girl that she is. this book needs some color. i'm tired of all the grey. wokka wokka.”



So, Kate is Ana’s really close friend (and my friend Cassandra pointed out in her article that Kate never wonders if Ana is gay despite the fact that Ana has men swarming her and isn’t interested in any of them. Sort of odd, yeah?), and she’s all rich and Society and enjoys shopping and crap. Her parents bought a duplex for her when she went to college, and a nice Mercedes and all sorts of stuff, but she still manages to be a nice person.



Guess what, Author? The kids at my college who are given all that stuff? They are clueless moronic frat boys and sorority girls. They have no sense of responsibility or money, and they don’t take any pride in ownership. Their cars start out the year all shiny and sleek and end filled with empty Del Taco cups and scratches and dings and a layer of dust on the paint job. If you want to make Kate a really well-rounded character, I need more from you. You see, I live in this world, and I have never met a girl like Kate who wasn’t put through paces of work at an early age.



Anyway, it turns out that Ana doesn’t even know why Kate had her interview Grey. She thought it was just some sort of project, but it turns out that Grey will be giving a commencement speech, and he is awarding a 2.5 million grant to the college. I would like to know if it’s a one-time grant, or a yearly grant, because honestly, 2.5 million isn’t huge in the scheme of education. Anyway, Ana’s cluelessness knows no bounds, how can she be unaware of this? I’m assuming that Christian is supposed to be like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs. If one of these guys was going to speak at your university, wouldn’t you know about it? If they gave grants, wouldn’t you have heard?



So, Kate is working really hard on the article and bemoans not having a picture of Grey. This is stupid. That’s what Google Images is for. Ana calls her “Carla Bernstein” and I roll my eyes hard. (note from the future: rolling your eyes is apparently bad.) Ana decides to call Christian Grey on his cell phone, which he gave her the number to while they were at the hardware store, and ask for a photoshoot. Of course, the usual photog for the school paper is out, so it will have to be Jose who takes over. This is going to go over like a lead zeppelin. These two are going to get along great.



Apparently, Ana can hear Christian’s “sphinx-like” smile as she talks with him. I have in my notes, “do sphinxes smile? QED.” The answer is…no! They do not! The definition of sphinx-like is “mysterious and not allowing people to know what you are thinking.” She asks him to do a photo shoot. He says yes. All of her needed interactions with him are currently satisfied. She doesn’t need to know any of his other secrets.



So, Christian shows up a day early for the commencement so Kate can get some pictures, and he goes to the room with pants that hang from his hips. Are they palazzo pants? They hang from his hips? He’s a CEO of a very large multi-million dollar corporation. I have a hard time believing that his pants are not impeccably tailored to fit him perfectly. Heck, Bill Gates is the kind of guy who shows up places looking like he jogged the last half-mile in 90% humidity, and yet his pants are tailored. Surely someone as gorgeous and good-looking as Christian Grey has pants that fit even better. But no, they hang from his hips, and every gang-banger in Santa Ana with their pants sagging down past their hips is now as well dressed as this imaginary CEO.

Pictured: Palazzo Pants hanging from the hip

Ana describes a bodyguard-type guy and makes sure we know he’s watching everything with his hazel eyes. I’m SO GLAD we cleared that up. How would I know what to think of this (yet again) white guy if I don’t know what color his eyes are? Heaven forefend! Now I know so much about him and feel so much better for the knowing.



Kate is not flustered by Christian. According to Ana, it’s because her family has money and shit, but really? Can it be that maybe Kate doesn’t lust after the guy? And maybe if she does lust after him, she’s just really good at hiding it because she’s not some socially awkward person who can’t hide her feelings?



Christian Grey has copper-colored hair that is wild and crazy, and that makes me think of the guy who plays Bingley in the current Pride and Prejudice movie.



Simply Resistible. But totes adorbs.



Yeah, he’s cute and all. But he’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

Pictured: My cup of tea.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t try to change the ideal of what a handsome, macho man is. I think it’s great that we’re seeing more heroes who are blonde and ginger, and yes, at times, even (gasp!) brown or black (not in this book, though…just so you know). But the obsession that this author has with this guy’s hair is just unhealthy, and that we get every few minutes an update on how wild and unruly it is…I don’t care if he’s Prince Harry. I don’t want to hear it. Give him some actual characterization already and leave his hair alone! It’s probably going to fall out in the next ten years anyway.

Pictured: Prince Harry. Most people's cup of tea.

Where was I?



Oh, right. The book.



Jacob…er…Jose and Christian don’t like each other after just one look. That’s it. No more. They hate each other. But they do the photo shoot.



I have this in my notes: “everyone is still murmuring and muttering. doesn't anyone just talk in this book?”



So, the murmuring and muttering. No one “says” a word. They murmur, mutter, mumble, whisper, choke, shout, caress, taste, but no actual talking in an understandable way. I’m just going to go out on a limb and say that there would be a lot fewer misunderstandings later on in the book if everyone would just “say” something now and then. And while I hate it when an author has their characters “say” a question rather than “ask,” I have never faulted an author for just letting their characters talk. I read a book a few months ago where all the characters “chuckled” out their words, no matter how inappropriate a chuckle would be with said words, but I never felt like shouting “Mumbler!” at them.



Moving on.



So, Christian asks Ana out to coffee despite the fact that Ana doesn’t drink coffee (sorry, no tea or frappuccino for you!), and she says yes, but then Kate goes all mother bear on her and is like, “He’s dangerous for a girl like you.” and “like you” means “a virgin” because going for coffee means having sex immediately afterwards, perhaps even in the bathroom while drinking the coffee.



I have this in my notes: “okay, no one has even held her hand? has she been in a convent or a cult for the last twenty-two years?” This is what the narration says. No one has held her hand.



A few more notes:



“how do you gaze at someone through your lashes? do you have to squint? wouldn't that be unattractive?






i'm so glad i know the table they're sitting at is birch veneer! i'd hate to be under the impression that it's real walnut or pine!






he wonders why she's so repressed and uncomfortable around him. probably because he's the only one to ever make her feel sexually attracted to anyone.






she's always blushing.






so, he asks her if she has a boyfriend, and if she's uncomfortable around men, and all this, but she asks him if he has a girlfriend, and then she gets embarrassed?






and he doesn't do the girlfriend thing.






of course she almost falls into the street.






he saves her and they embrace, and she wants to be kissed for the first time.






no one said lust made sense.”






And that’s the end of the chapter.



Chapter four



Christian warns Ana away from him. He’d just be no good for her and he can’t give her what she wants. So no to sex then? Then he goes on and on about what could have happened in the bicyclist had hit her, she could have been seriously injured or something, and he just “shudders to think” what could have happened. It’s just…the most insane rejection I’ve ever read, coming from a character who is going out of his way to put himself in the presence of this woman, which reads to me that he’s emotionally unstable and she’s better off without him.



Well done, Ana. Good job of dodging that bullet. Next thing you know, he’ll be trying to run your life. (note from the future: there is no way to get him to stop running her life.)



She finally thinks of the guys she’s rejected in the past, and she wonders if they’ve ever felt this way about her. Well, in her defense, she’s never asked them out, shot off probing questions at them, and then told them to stay away from her. And now I’m mad because I’m defending her, but come on. There’s a huge difference between leading someone on and telling someone no.



Ana decides to get drunk, which she’s apparently never done before. Before she gets her drink on, though, there’s a delivery of books for her—several first edition books from the 1800’s—from Christian of course. This is how he gets her to stay away? Is this supposed to be sexy?



At the bar, Jose says, “Dios mio.” I counter with, “!Hijole!” Ana is apparently countering with “Reposado.”

Guacatelas.



Ana eventually becomes so inebriated that she decides to drunk dial Christian because that’s what anyone who got drunk would do, and no I’m not saying that sarcastically. This is why you leave your phone at home when you’re mad at someone and decide to get drunk. There is no way this can end badly.



What’s horrible here is not that Ana drunk-dials Christian. I mean, that’s normal. What’s horrible is his reaction. He gets all upset, and then RUNS DOWN TO THE DAMN BAR TO GET ANA BEFORE SHE CAN HURT HERSELF BECAUSE SHE IS THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE WORLD TO EVER GET DRUNK AND HAVE TO RELY ON THE GOODNESS OF HER FRIENDS TO GET HER HOME.



This is so ridiculous. I cannot find this man attractive. He is overbearing and controlling and high-handed and so very, very sanctimonious and I just don’t get the attraction. There is no way that this man is anything other than annoying and to be avoided at all costs. He is not sexy or protective. This is not what you want in a man, ladies. If you are dating someone and they treat you like this, run!



He tells her that her being drunk is “beyond the pale.” Yes, he says that without any hint of irony. He also decides to spin her around the dance floor after he found her puking in the bushes, which just goes to show that he’s as stupid about her safety as she is. Jeez. What kind of idiot does this?



So, she faints.



Chapter six



Ana wakes up in Christian’s hotel room, in his bed, and then gets a huge lecture about responsibility and getting drunk and thanks a lot, Dad! Then he says that if she were “his,” she wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week. Thanks again, Dad! Time to cut those apron strings. She is so much better off without him and why oh WHY am I on Ana’s side? Good lord I hate this book!



He makes her take a shower and then scolds her for having damp hair because that’s how you catch a cold, doncha know. It has nothing to do with germs and viruses, just cold hair. You know what, Christian? She’s survived twenty two years without you ordering her around, I’m sure she can survive a whole lot longer.



Ana’s all concerned about waking up in his bed, and Christian writes that off quickly. He won’t touch her without written consent. This is not creepy in any way.



So, Christian went all Richard Gere in Pretty Woman on the breakfast items, and then starts scolding Ana for not eating much. He hates wasted food. Maybe he should have thought of that before ordering one of everything from the breakfast menu. It’s so nice to see that the plagiarism ideals Cassie Claire started all those years ago are still running strong. The only reason I can see for him ordering so much is so that he can yell at Ana when she wastes food, and then to keep her from seeing through his straw man, he starts scolding her for not eating before she got drunk the night before.

I wasn't sure what you would like, so I orderd one of everything. OMG, why aren't you eating it all you wasteful bitch!

If Christian is really upset about how Ana was the night before, then he should have just let her be. Blaming her because he’s a controlling sociopath who has a desire to own and control the lives of other people is not a decision based in logic. It makes no sense, and he is in essence blaming someone else for his own mistake.



THIS IS NOT SEXY! THIS DOES NOT EVEN LOOK LIKE SEXY! THIS DOES NOT BELONG IN THE SAME ROOM WITH SEXY! IT IS TO SEXY WHAT A HAWK IS TO A HANDSAW!



So, they go down in the elevator and make out. He holds her hands over her head the entire kiss so she can’t touch him. See above.



More to come.

Shouldn't I...

Just with all the stuff that's been going on with me lately, I really feel like I should be missing A in my life. After all, wasn't she my best friend? I should be looking for someone to lean on, I should be scrambling for the support she's always given me.

Except I'm not.

I've come to realize that...well, that she wasn't really there. And quite frankly, it's much easier right now that I'm not thinking about what I did wrong, or why she isn't being my friend, or any of that other angst that I was feeling while I was still working so very hard at our friendship.

I feel really foolish. More than foolish, I feel really stupid. I have been holding onto this relationship for so long, it's been so important to me. But it wasn't important to her; not like it was to me. Keeping her friendship was so important to me, and I guess I must have made myself think it was important to her too.

The good news is how much freer I am right now, and how much more able I am to foster the relationships that I currently have. Plus, I'm trying to make a few more.

I think people forget how important friendship is. Not romantic attachment, but true platonic love. Friendship should be a joy, and while all relationships are difficult to keep, friendship is one of those things that's based on mutual interests, compatable personalities, shared experiences, and the best part is that each friend can be a different area of your life. With romantic entanglements, the other person sort of has to cross over all the different facets of who you are, but each friend can represent a different area of who you are.

Well, I have no insights to offer. All this has done is given me a fervent desire to never go through it again ever. Hopefully I can manage that.

Mmmmm...danish

I want a cheese danish so badly right now. I really do. I wonder if Weight Watchers makes a sort of danish? I should look into that. It wouldn't be the same, but I totally want one.

I have a lot on my plate right now, and yet I don't really. Most of what I have going on is in my head. I'm still dealing with cutting A out of my life, and then there's my stepmother, who has been blocked from seeing my Facebook status for almost a year now, and I'm thinking of unblocking her. Thinking of unblocking her makes me think of A, who had blocked me from her Facebook status, but when I asked her about it, she gave me some BS excuse about how she didn't realize it.

Yeah. I...probably need to stop thinking about it, but it's hard. I get angry with her, and I think I'm better prepared to talk about my feelings right now. Blocking me from seeing her Facebook wasn't the only lie she told, as I've said. And yet she kept acting like I was the one she had to protect herself from.

I spent so much of my life being told that my feelings and needs weren't important. I spent so much time taking the blame and responsibility for other people hurting me because I always figured it was somehow my fault. Now that I'm older and in better mental health, I try not to feel that way, but it's a hard habit to break. When she told me that I wasn't "safe" for her to be around, it made me sad at that time, but now I'm angry about it. The whole reason we were having trouble in the first place was because she was treating me badly and I called her on it, but somehow it got twisted to me hurting her when the opposite was true. I fell into the trap again and I felt guilty again for a while until I remembered.

I just really want a danish. I mean, I might be eating my emotions, but at this point I don't care. I think I need a danish.

It's captured for the queen to use

Edit

I keep trying to put into words how I feel about something...and I keep muddling things. One of the goals I want to accomplish with this blog is to communicate better, but in this matter, I don't seem to be able to. I'm going to keep trying, but I think it's best to delete this post.

Breaking Dawn Review Part Three: Bella Gains Immortality, Loses Intelligence

In part one, Bella and Edward finally sparkle in the bedroom and make a baby. In part two, Jacob and Edward conspire to force Bella into an abortion and fail which ends up being good for Jacob because he "imprints" on Bella's baby (it's totally platonic!). Now, part three, in which stuff actually happens. Like, vampire stuff.

So, when Edward injected Bella in the heart with his venom (saliva), it hurt. In the Twiverse, changing to a vampire is painful. In the first book, Bella was bit in the hand, and she was screaming because it felt like her hand was on fire. Now in Breaking Dawn, Bella is all, "I'm in pain, but I won't cry out. I won't even say a word and they'll think, 'oh, she's such a good girl. She won't even cry.'" The reality is that Bella is in a lot of pain and it's freaking the Cullenses out because they're expecting her to cry and scream and otherwise feel horrible, but Bella just had to jump up and nail herself to a cross so she won't be a bother to anyone. What a freakin' martyr. Jeez.

When the pain finally leaves, Bella wakes up and gets all freaky at the Cullenses, who have never been anything other than nice to her. Her fear instinct kicks in, and she does Shaolin acrobatics above everyone's heads, flipping away from them all Crouching Tiger Hidden Dumbass. As with the rest of the books, it takes Bella a long time to locate the various parts of her body such as legs, feet, hands, lungs, etc. She remembers being pregnant and is all, "Bring me my baby, yo!" and for some reason, the idiots around her are like, "We don't know if that's a good idea." Bella is understandably pissed by this because she's gone to such lengths to protect her little Renesmee (despite giving her the stupidest name since Mitt), she sort of deserves her baby.

Finally, everyone decides that she can see her kid, and I don't have kids, so I'm probably not qualified to say this, but if anyone dared get between me and my sprog, I'd kill them. Dead. Bella instead passively makes her case until they lead her to the living room where Jacob is holding Renesmee (ew! If he changes her diaper ever, I will have to send his name to Chris Hanson) and feeling unwilling to let Bella have her. Bella is now the enemy to Jacob. Not because she's a vampire, but because she's a potential threat to his Precious. Bella tries to take her baby from the pedophile, and he won't let go of her. Bella is like, "What the heck, Jake?" and he's like, "I can't let you hurt her." and Bella's all, "She's my baby, you just move on your way. I said good day, sir!"

Now, when Bella was faced with Stalker!Edward before she knew he liked her (blood), she was passive. When Charlie unhooked the battery of her truck, she was passive. When Edward decided to leave her, she had a little fight in her, but in the end she fell asleep in the woods and turned into a zombie, which I'm pretty sure is passive. Edward removed parts from her car, passive. Alice decided to plan Bella's wedding without any input from Bella, passive. The only time Bella has fought was for her child, so I totally wasn't surprised when she tried to rip Jacob's throat out. What surprised me was that no one let her.

He's an eighteen-year-old man. Renesmee is a baby. He does not get to ever touch her ever. He is a pervert. I don't care how hard Smyers tried to convince us that he feels only platonically for her until she comes of age. This is not how you make people like a character. It's disgusting and vile and foul and gross and wrong. And he's living with vampires who have lived for hundreds of years, and none of them are like, "Dude, you need to leave." NO! Plus, Jacob makes this case about how he'll get depressed if he's away from the baby for too long. Dude! It's not a baby's job to make you feel good about yourself! You're an adult, go act like one and get the heck away, where you should have been since Bella said "yes" to Edward's proposal. Grow a pair and walk away. But noooo...

Anyway, the Cullenses stop Bella from killing Jacob, and Renesmee lets Bella know that the whole scene scared her and that she likes Jacob and she does this by putting her hand on Bella's cheek. I hope Bella has nice skin, because that's how you get pimples. Seriously, don't ever touch your face.

Anyway, all sorts of boring stuff happens after that. Edward takes Bella hunting for endangered species before retiring to their little cabin for the night. Alice and Esmee built a little cabin for them and decorated it for them and put clothes in the closet for them because God only knows that Bella just would never want to have a cabin that suited her own tastes with her own decorating style and her own clothes in the closet. I really get annoyed by Alice. She's so high-handed. Carlisle told Jacob at one point that Alice doesn't like them wearing the same outfit more than once, like that's her job in the family or something. If you want to know why Edward wears nothing other than beige, look no further than Alice. She stocks his wardrobe.

At first, Bella is unimpressed with the clothes and shoes Alice has supplied her, but by the middle of the third part, she's just putting on whatever is there. Angora suits. Cashmere shifts. Oyster-colored satin cocktail dresses. Everything is ecru and eggshell and off-white. In the first book, Edward loved how Bella looked in her blue sweater. I guess he'll never get to see her in a color again.

So, the stuff that happens. Basically, the Volturi hear about Renesmee and decide it's the perfect opportunity to kidnap Bella so they can figure out her gift, which they reason must be really interesting since no one could touch her with their ability in the second book. They're right. The Cullens summon as many allies to their house as they can try to keep their family intact and everyone thinks that Renesmee is a turned child at first, until the Cullens explain what she is. Alice disappears (yay!) on some crazy mission, leaving Bella a rabbit trail to follow which leads her to a guy who can forge papers. It takes Bella a long time to parse out why Alice would send her to this guy, and then she realizes that if everything goes pear-shaped, she's going to have to send Renesmee and Jacob away together, so she has papers made for them.

The cool part is that the forger gets sort of funny at the end and asks Bella if she's planning on kidnapping the little girl. Bella finally says that Renesmee is her daughter, and the guy is relieved, showing that he has some sort of conscience.

The part of this that made me feel a little funny was how Bella got the money to do it all. She snuck through the house and took the money from the drawers and closets where the Cullenses hide their money. I mean, they apparently have thousands just laying around the house and Bella had to "steal" it. I'm assuming that Alice left money here and there for Bella to find because if she had just given Bella money, it would have been suspicious. But Bella feels bad about taking the money. Like it isn't hers. But isn't it? She may not be able to buy her own clothes or cars or anything, but surely even a vampire needs pocket change? Everything in this family is considered communal, and I'm sort of surprised that Carlisle never showed Bella the drawers where the money is kept and is like, "So, if you ever need some cash, here you go. You never know if Ralph Lauren put out a camel-colored sport coat that Alice doesn't know about." Why hasn't Edward given Bella her own money drawer? I know this is an odd thing to wonder about, but if they're fabulously wealthy and own everything outright and only really have to pay for utilities and gas and sundries like that, then why doesn't Bella have her own allowance? Anyway, that's all.

There are other preparations that include the whole family and their allies, and Bella starts figuring out her gift. Apparently, she's a shield who can cast out a "net" of protectiveness away from herself, so when the Volturi come, Bella is able to keep them from using their super-powers on the people around her. there's a huge anti-climactic "war" where Bella puts a backpack containing the forged papers and a bunch of extra money on Renesmee's back, and puts Renesmee on Wolf!Jacob just in case he needs to run off with her. Edward's all, "I knew you were keeping something from me!" and Bella feels guilty about it, but the bottom line is that if something happens to Edward, Bella doesn't want to continue living. In that case, it would be best if Jacob just ran off with Renesmee because she wouldn't have any parents left, anyway. I mean, why would someone want to continue living if the love of their life died? Right? These people are so selfish.

After a whole lot of talking, Alice and Jasper return with some interesting people. People who are just like Renesmee. It turns out that there's a vampire in South America who's going around impregnating women, and Alice has one of the offspring of this guy. Vampire/Human hybrids apparently grow at an alarming rate (which is why Renesmee looks like she's six when she's only one), but then stop growing and remain that way forever. This is great news for Bella, who has been afraid that Renesmee would be dead in twenty years after having lived to old age in that timespan. Edward's all happy because he thinks the new humpire will be competition for Jacob, but Bella's not worried because she's sure Renesmee will always be with Jacob, which is a really terrible thought to have about your one-year-old. Since they're all going to be immortal forever, I don't see why Renesmee can't have both, but again that doesn't exist in the Twiverse.

The Volturi decide to leave the Cullenses alone for whatever reason, which doesn't really sound right to me, but apparently that really is the end. I mean, here are tons of people with really awesome gifts, and The Volturi are basically the royalty of the vampire world. There is no reason that they should leave, and no reason that they should be refused if they want some of the vampires with extraordinary gifts. I sort of wish there was a League of Extraordinary Vampires going on somewhere. They'd be morally ambiguous, doling out punishment and stealing famous artifacts, maybe searching for the Holy Grail or something. Sorry, it's hard not to think of ways to improve this really dull book.

Anyway, that's the end. Everyone lives happily ever after because of course they do.

Breaking Dawn Review: Equality does not mean you are better than me

When we last left our intrepid trio of vampire, werewolf and frail, fragile, sickly, demon-baking human, Edward enlisted Jacob to try to talk Bella into having an abortion, after which she could make sweet werewolf love to Jacob (presumably while Edward watches) so she can fulfill her womanly duty by having children that won't potentially kill her during their gestation.

Bella is not amused.

Jacob settles in at Casa Cullen with his two werewolf besties: a scorned woman who still bears the scars from her ex-fiance's first change to wolfdom before he dropped her ass for a toddler (remember: Twilight means never having to say you're kidding), and an overenthusiastic pup who is probably one of the most interesting characters in the book. The thing is, Jacob is technically alpha thanks to his father's position in the Queleute tribe, but the afforementioned toddler-raper has taken over because he's older. So, when Jacob decides that he has to take care of his twuu wuuv Bella (who, you know, is sort of married to a vampire, and whose ultimate goal in life is to become a vampire himself) and the rest of the pack is like, "Get over her," Jacob breaks free on his own and now he has a pack of his own consisting of three members. Yay.

So, their job is to keep Bella safe during her gestation period, and to make sure that the other wolves don't take the Cullens to task for finally turning Bella on reservation territory, which would be a clear violation of the treaty between the two groups. Jacob reasons that if the vampire clan changes Bella in order to save her life, then they're actually upholding the "sanctity of life" part of everything.

Now, are you ready to jump in? Because it gets worse from here.

So, Bella is all sick and yucky and Jacob is concerned because the VampSpawn is killing her by breaking her bones and bruising her internal organs, but Bella is so obstinate in the face of the life of her baby. Women can be so irrational and selfish.

Edward and Jacob have lots of silent conversations where Jacob thinks snarky stuff about the various people around them, such as how Rosalie is probably hoping that Bella will die so that she can raise the baby as her own (Edward agrees). The two men are actually starting to get along okay for once, and why not? Edward can't be really close friends with only the people in his family for the rest of his life, can he? Wouldn't it be great if there was someone who was fun and interesting in his life, like Jacob, who makes him laugh with his snarky commentary? But no, this can't last because the first law of Romance Novelia is that if there are two people of the same sex and only one of the opposite, then the two of the same sex must needs be rivals. To that end, Edward starts understanding his demon spawn as it plays kickball with Bella's bladder, and he starts seeing it as more than just The Entity That Is Killing The Woman I Love Most In The World and starts seeing it as its own person with thoughts and feelings. The strongest feeling is that it loves Bella, and it actually starts understanding how to be gentler to its mother.

This sends Jacob into a tail spin because again, parents should have absolutely no control over their own reproduction, and if someone, even just one person, thinks that them having a baby is a bad idea, then they should abort the kid no matter what. I mean, someone is emitting disapproval rays over here. Let's get with the program, parents.

Jacob takes the most expensive, beautiful car in the Cullen Garage and speeds to a park where he looks every woman there in the eye, hoping he'll imprint on her so as to end his torturous love of Bella. This is because he has no control over his own emotions and is a pathetic juvenile wuss.

People are always getting on Myers about how she treats Bella in her books, making her suicidal without a man, incomplete without a man, so focused on Edward to the point that she forgets everything else, including her own bodily functions, but no one mentions how she writes men. Jacob and Edward are whiny, needy, unable to put other people's feelings above their own, unable to see a big picture, and unable to just not love Bella if she's hurting them. This last one is more for Jacob than Edward. Jacob is so pissed that every time he sees Bella, she smiles at him and is so happy to see him. This is a problem for Jacob because he, like many of the men who walk into my office, can't seem to fathom a woman smiling at them without wanting to shag them also. It can't just be a nice smile, or in Bella's case, a friendly smile. Also, Bella can't seem to do the right thing and just tell Jacob to stay away. She also can't seem to follow through on this. You can argue that Jacob is only hurting himself by continuing to love Bella even after reason tells him to stop, but eventually he will start hurting Bella too. His love is not pure, not for the benefit of another. It is selfish and obsessive and he can't get over the fact that Bella didn't choose him. This is how stalkers are formed. The kind of stalkers who eventually end up wearing a skin suit.

There is just not one healthy relationship in this entire convoluted mess.

So, Jacob's part is mostly him moping around the CullenDen with Bella and Rosalie (who, remember, is staying as close to Bella as possible just in case she needs to step in and be a surrogate mother) and thinking about how much his life sucks because the woman he loves doesn't love him back, and he can't seem to imprint on anyone. Imprinting is what makes werewolves fall in love with toddlers. This is something Jacob wants.

Bella finally gives birth to demon spawn Renesmee in a gory bloodbath and Edward uses a cardiac needle to inject Bella with his venom, and it's at this point in the story that I start wondering about the venom and how Bella didn't turn the moment they kissed for the first time. I mean, the venom is his saliva, right? So when they kissed, there would have been an exchange of fluid, and she should have turned the first time.

This book is so boring that it made me start wondering about this stuff.

And then Jacob imprints on Renesmee and I, not for the first time, try and figure out how this author is free to roam around America rather than being locked in a padded cell because she is clearly psychotic and has a borderline personality disorder of some kind. This book is not healthy. It does not paint women or men in a positive light. It does not depict relationships in a positive light. There are no negative consequences for unseemly behavior. It makes pedophilia seem like a positive option. It indicates that you as a person has no control over your life and that you are and should be completely ruled by your emotions.

Part three to come.

Breaking Dawn Book Review: Abortion is not a Democracy

If you don't know that Breaking Dawn is the last book of the Twilight saga, then congratulations. You sort of win at life.

Like all of the Twilight books, BD centers around Bella, her perfect, super-human, absolutely wonderful, god-like boyfriend Edward and his incredible, amazing, perfect, beautiful family. In BD, however, Bella and Edward finally get married and get to have sparkley sex. Yay! Or...ew?

The book opens with Alice, Edward's pixie-like fashionista sister planning Bella's wedding. To the last minim. Because it's not like Bella has a mom who'd probably like to be involved with the wedding planning. No, everyone is kept in the dark, and Bella even has to undergo her dress fittings while her eyes are closed so she can be completely surprised on her wedding day. You know, as brides are wont to do. What bride wants to be bogged down with all that planning, anyway? It's so much work.

We learn that Charlie, Bella's human, fallible, somewhat stupid (in her opinion) father who can't possibly measure up to the Cullens, is still unhappy about the marriage but determined to see it through because he loves Bella. I grew up with a father who looked at my life as the exact same as his life with no distinctions between the two, and who would not hesitate to make the world's most gigantic stink if I ever married in a way that he disaproved of, so I sort of hate Bella for the way she treats her dad. She never looks at her relationship with Edward through her father's eyes. I mean, she ended up in the hospital for days after Edward lied about her "falling down the stairs." Charlie is a police chief. There have to be some domestic abuse situations going on in his town. He has to have heard the "fell down the stairs" excuse a hundred times. And let's not even get into New Moon when Bella's break-up caused her to go practically catatonic with depression. Bella has a dad who cares, and she doesn't care, and I could just scratch her eyes out for it.

Bella also complains about the car Edward bought for her. Because teenaged girls just hate when their boyfriends buy cars for them. It's too flashy, too visible. It's a testament to Bella's human fallibility, a monument to her weakness, her smallness, her mortality. Bella finds the car annoying for these reasons, and yet she overlooks her boyfriend's controlling ways because she's in lurve with him and they're perfect for each other and she can't live without him. These are not reasons to get married. They are reasons to seek counselling.

After the wedding, which is huge and lavish and fablablablah...

Look, I'm going to be honest: if I decide to get married (rather than moving to Spain and taking a string of international lovers, that is), I will admit that I won't care much about the ceremony and that I am like Bella in that regard (please, God, let me find a guy who wants a TARDIS chuppah!). I would probably either have a very small ceremony with just the necessary friends and family, or elope at the Star Trek Adventure. But that doesn't mean, if I had to have a huge wedding because of other reasons (maybe I'm going to marry a Public Figure? LOL) ,that I wouldn't have opinions about it, or want to see my own tastes implemented. Bella has no opinion. This is because Bella has no interests outside of Edward. Her wedding ends up being photogenic and perfect with everyone and everything in the exact right place at the exact right time. The wedding is every bit as boring as Bella and Edward, and they were in exactly zero control of any of it.

Anyway, then they move onto their honeymoon in South America, and that's where things get interesting. I mean, Alice packed tampons for Bella (Alice packed the honeymoon clothes, too. Because there's no reason in Helheim that Bella would want a comfy pair of jeans and a baggy sweater or T-shirt. No, just lingerie.), but apparently forgot to pack condoms for Edward because Bells gets knocked up.

Now, the entire series, Bella has been in mortal danger of the universe imploding on her at any second, and the only person who is qualified to save her is Edward. We are told throughout the entire series that Bella is ineffectual, stupid, weak, clumsy, unattractive, and just all-around not a good human being. But Bella figures out that she's preggy and she is the one who steps up to the plate while Edward has some crazy existential crisis. He moans about how he's a monster and he's sullied his sweet Bella and he's ruined their lives and oh, oh, ohhhhhh....life is just going to end! It's just going to be horrid! Help!

Bella in the meantime, is bonding with her baby. Her "nudger" as she calls it (come on, that's adorkable). It nudges her because it's growing at an alarming rate and she can already feel it. She is also calling the Cullens in order to make arrangements for going home, packing, and basically keeping her shit together. Looking back on the series, this is how Bella has always been. All of the stuff that Edward has done to keep Bella "safe" ends up backfiring on him (like going to Phoenix in T, or breaking up in NM, or the huge fight in E...), but Bella always manages to be strong and pull herself through. But Edward is always lauded as the saviour...

I don't know, all I can say is that SMeyers' is messed up and it comes out in her writing.

Anyway, they go home and the POV switches from Bella to Jacob because Bella is gestating CullenSpawn, and said spawn is killing her from the inside out.

So, here is the worst part for me. The absolute worst part. Jacob and Edward communally decide that Bella needs an abortion. Because abortion is a democracy. If you get pregnant, there will be a panel to decide if you can keep the baby.

I know there are pro-aborters who would totally try to talk Bella into having an abortion no matter what, and that there are anti-aborters who would talk Bella into having the baby no matter what, but neither group would be right. This is Bella's choice. She's not some unwed mother in the 1950's whose parents have the state-sanctioned right to 'send her away' for a year. She's a married woman. It is her life at stake and no one else's, therefore it is her decision to make. She knows that she can die, but her baby's life is more important than her own to her. I can't tell her she's wrong. But Edward will try. And he gets Jacob on his side.

"I would even let her have puppies," Edward says to Jacob, indicating that he'd 'share' Bella with Jacob because IVF does not exist in the Cullenverse. Jacob imagines a world where he 'gets' Bella on the weekends and Edward 'gets' her the rest of the week. Because women don't care who they have sex with apparently. Also, women are property to be lent out at the will of the owner.

I just...I can't with this woman.

The thing is, if Edward had just done as Bella had asked at the beginning (you know, taken her feelings and desires into account rather than just his own) and turned her into a vampire before all of this, Bella never would have gotten pregnant and they could have shagged happliy ever after. Edward's refusal to listen to Bella's wants and needs caused this issue in the first place. This relationship is so destructive and selfish that it's layered like a really stinky, rotten onion.

I like Jacob's reactions to stuff, and I even sort of like that Edward can read his thoughts. These two really have a much better, more equal relationship (at this point, but that will all change) and are totally better suited to each other than Bella and Edward. Jacob would never put up with Edward's navel-gazing, and Edward would never feel superior to Jacob for being bigger and stronger, and therefore his ego would be tempered. But alas! When you are a Mormon writer banging out a Mormon allegory, there can be no Ho!Yay! in Mormon territory. Not even Bromance. Edward and Jacob must be rivals or that would just be too gay.

Anyway, end of the second part, and I'll save the rest for later.

The End

Yesterday, I completely ended my friendship with A. I've had some conflicting emotions, but it's really clear to me that I did the right thing.

If you asked me a month or two ago if this was a good friendship, I would have said yes, but right now, looking back, I can see that it wasn't. A stopped communicating with me sometime around August, a few months after she got married. I felt her pulling away, and I started chasing after her. I would invite her someplace, a week or two in advance. "hey, wanna hang out? Wanna...?" She wouldn't respond, not a word, and then on the day that I had invited her out, I would see that she and her husband had gone somewhere on that day because she would post it on Facebook. I tried not to take it personally. I excused her saying that she had just got married, life was hard for her.

But the biggest problem was the fact that she was just not there. No communication, nothing.

We had a misunderstanding. She had a party on a Sunday night (which is convenient for absolutely no one), and shocker, no one really responded that they would come. She sent me a text that was for someone else, and it looked like she was saying that no one was coming and did this person maybe want to do something else?

I reacted badly, but I think my reaction was justified. This didn't just happen, it had been happening for months. I invited her out only to have no response and to find out that she did soemething else that very night about four times by then. It felt like she was just pushing me out, so I bowed out.

For whatever reason, she decided to try and get me back. So, I talked to her. I let her know how she hurt me. Her response was that it sounded like her life made me sad.

Um...In the sense that her life no longer included me, yes it made me sad. But did her life, her newfound happiness and new family and all that fun stuff make me sad? No.

I asked for communication. I asked for just something every now and then.

I never got it. I mean literally never got it.

She sent me a few emails about whether I was getting help for my issues and all, but I didn't get anything else. No friendly hello's, nothing.

I was away for Christmas, and then I had my move and all. After all that, I started going back to church with A, and it was obvious that things had changed for her. I know now that she was going through something difficult, but she never told me that. All I knew was that this person who was supposed to be my friend was pushing me away. We used to go out to lunch afterwards, and now A wasn't available for that.

But...well, when I would walk away after she wasn't available for lunch, I could hear her making plans with her husband for going out to lunch. It was so hurtful, and so directly hurtful. She was trying to hurt me, there can be no other explanation for it. This was no misunderstanding. There was no excuse for this behaviour. And it all comes back to communication. If she had just been honest and told me that she needed space or that it was too hard because of this thing that was going on to see me, I would have understood.

I know now that she had something bad happen to her. I don't know what, but I know it was bad. I'm sorry for her, but that doesn't excuse her behaviour.

So this is where I am now. I am forced to be the bad guy and put an end to it all. She wouldn't just say, "I can't see you or hear from you for a while, please understand." No, she got passive-aggressive and pushed me away. The thing is, I wouldn't mind so much, but my side is apparently not important to her. I can see things from her side. I get her side. I don't know if I could put on her shoes and walk around, but I can at least empathise.

I'm angry right now, but I'm mostly angry at myself. I let her use me. I never confronted her when I heard her lying. I can accept my part in this, but I can't be a part of it any longer.

Was it a good friendship? It doesn't look like it. Now the only thing I can do is learn from my mistakes.

I have to add this, because it's something I've been musing over for a while. In her final e-mail to me (where she got upset because she said I wasn't treating her like a person with feelings...keep this in mind...), she said she hoped I got help for my "emotional problems." I don't have "emotional problems." I have a depressive disorder. It's a chemical imbalance. I have no control over it. I'm starting to think that she has no idea who I am, and that she is not treating me like a person with feelings. I'm a human being. I have emotions. I don't have problems with those emotions. I had a problem a while back because I wasn't taking my medicine, and then a few months ago, I had some issues because I had to stop taking one medication and start taking another and it screwed with me (that warning about medicine making you suicidal actually happens), but none of this was in my control. Especially not a few months ago when I started cutting again because of this medicine. Now I'm doing better...much better...but oh my gosh. If there is one person out there who I should be able to talk to this stuff about, shouldn't it be my friend? And then she just dismisses everything else about me except this one idea that she has that I have "emotional problems." I am so much more than a diagnosis. I'm actually a pretty awesome human being, and I'm very loyal to my friends. Letting go of this relationship was hard, but it was unhealthy, for both of us, I guess.