Where the heck have I been?

Ahmagerd, I can't even tell you.

I've been adjusting to the Graveyard Shift and not having weekends (I get off during the week now), and I've been here, there and everywhere.

I feel like Mr. Rogers because I have so much to share!

First things first. I've been thinking about the retort "Ur jus jellus!" a lot because I think sometimes something happens and if you have a negative reaction to it, people think you're just jealous about it.

Case in point, I broke off a relationship at the beginning of the year and it was sort of sad and ugly, but I've been better since it happened. I wonder every now and then if my former friend thinks I was just jealous of her when in fact, I'm not. In fact, I really think our lives took different paths and we just could no longer be compatible at all.

It made me think of EL James and how I'm tearing apart her Magnum Opus: Ode to a Narcissist AKA Fifty Shades of Grey. I'm sure there are people out there that see that and think, "Oh, she's just jealous."

As with my dissolution of my friendship, my issues with EL James don't stem from a place of jealousy. I'm not jealous about her piss-poor writing, characterizations, or even the fact that she got published. These aren't goals that I have. My goals are to read good literature and to enjoy it. I didn't enjoy reading her, but I sure am enjoying tearing her work apart.

Speaking of both bad writing and EL James, I found out that a blogger called The Slactivist has torn apart the Left Behind series in the same way I'm going at Fifty Shades. Now, I'm not even going to pretend that a work of heresy such as Left Behind has anything in common with a work of heresy like...wait. Wait.

Left Behind is dangerous because it paints an unreal picture of what Christianity should be.

Fifty Shades is dangerous because it paints and unreal picture of what relationships should be.

Neither work is actually representative of any sort of reality other than an abusive one...

Both works are held up quite often as being important cultural phenomena that people are using to shape themselves and their decisions regarding the way they react to those around them...

Hmmm. I don't know, it's up to your interpretation.

Anyway, all that to say that I feel a grateful energy towards The Slactivist for going through these books (long ago, but never mind) so that I don't have to. I've wanted to read them just because I'm a Christian and I wanted to see what the hooplah was about, but then Kirk Cameron was in the movies and I said, "No way, Jose!" Jose said, "Dios mio!" (Just kidding. There's no Jose.) So, I'm not going to read the books, but I am loving the commentary on Left Behind and the sound orthodox Christianity behind The Slactivist's comments. I think with the election and the Republican Party being what they currently are, it's important to remember that there is a fringe sect of Christianity that is trying to make itself more mainstream and take over the nation. They are the people who read books like Left Behind, but never question the fact that they're trying to turn the country into a Christian Theocracy so that...what? The Antichrist can take over? I mean, what's the goal? There's no reason to do what they're doing. It's so very odd and weird, and I can't get their doctrines to mesh with each other.

Speaking of BDSM....

When I started with Fifty Shades, I made sure to say that I do not know much about the lifestyle, and that I did a little bit of research to understand what is considered an acceptable norm when it comes to BDSM. Now, I acknowledge that BDSM is not considered a cultural norm, though I do think it's more pervasive than some people realize, and that as human beings, we should be more open and honest about our sexuality and accept that there are things that we do that we like and that we shouldn't have to apologize about them. I think that if BDSM were considered more normative and if there were more knowledge about it, then this horrible book would never have been written.

So, to that end, I did publish in the early chapters of Fifty Shades of Grey some "norms" that I found according to my research, and that one of the norms was that people who are BDSM don't necessarily always mix sex with BDSM. I'm sure that this is not true with everyone. I'm sure that there are people out there that always combine the two. I'm also not saying that I think the two things are separate or different. I think, from my limited outside point of view, I see them as both means to the very same (or maybe similar?) end. Just because you don't engage in traditional PIV sex, that doesn't mean to me that you didn't have a sexual experience or a sexual release. And I do totally acknowledge that someone could want to have totally "typical" sex after a BDSM episode, or even during (which starts getting into grey areas anyway because PIV obviously doesn't fly with all GLBT partners) a BDSM episode, but I'm trying to debunk a really stupid and frankly dangerous book, not start a political debate.

So, I wanted to give you guys someone to turn to who is being open and honest about her sexuality and her experiences with BDSM. Clarisse Thorn blogs, and she wrote an excellent piece on BDSM Vs. Sex, and here is part II which I particularly enjoyed because I felt like I could really hear her "voice" for this one more than the first one.

I particularly liked this:

Although Part 1 was all about how the divide between “BDSM” and “sex” is often nonsensical, or purely political, or socially constructed … that doesn’t mean that the divide does not exist. I once had a conversation about ignoring social constructs with a wise friend, who noted dryly that: “One-way streets are a social construct. That doesn’t mean we should ignore them.” Just because the outside world influences our sexuality, does not mean that our sexual preferences are invalid.
 

Her insights are great, and I did read other bloggers, but her voice was the one that really spoke to me.  She goes into detail about times that she was and wasn't turned on, and she also talks a great deal about ending BDSM relationships, which as I understand (again, this is my understanding, from the outside), are way more intense than "typical" sexual relationships. And that makes sense to me. The thought of allowing someone to hurt you for mutual pleasure would take a great deal of trust to me. I couldn't imagine doing it myself, mostly because of the huge trust factor I would need. When I take this into account with Ana and Christian's relationship, I am always struck by how much neither of them really knows the other very well, or seems to trust the other very well. This is especially glaring to me in light of the most recent chapter post where Ana kicks herself for not using the "safe word" and Christian similarly is pissed off at her for not using it, but neither of them bring up how wrong Christian was to not look after Ana more carefully as he was punishing her.

I'm not even going to touch on the fact that if Ana had used the safeword, Christian would still be a sociopath and Ana would still be stupid.

So...there you go. That's what I've been doing.

Oh, and I've been sending my friend little short stories and getting some back in return. It's been a lot of fun.

Chapter by Chapter synopsis: Fifty Shades of Grey: chapters 17-20

Chapter Seventeen


When we last left Ana and Christian, Christian had come back to Ana and Kate’s house because Ana said she didn’t like how he left her alone after spanking her and they ended up sleeping in the same bed together, something Christian just doesn’t *do*. So in this chapter, they wake up together, both commenting on how well they slept. Christian maybe slept a little too well because he’s late for a meeting or something. He leaves, threatening Ana again to not drive her car.

Ana emails Christian to explain a little more about how the spanking felt, and his response is to be like, “You never used the safe word.” I cannot stress how much Ana is not a sub. Maybe one day she could be, but she currently is not used to safe words and stuff like that. Heck, I’m pretty savvy, but I don’t know if I would remember to use a safe word my first time being “punished” by a Dom. This is not the first time I think Christian is being unreasonable, but I think he’s being particularly unreasonable and callous here. And when Ana threatens to run off? Christian can track her cell phone, of course. Keep in mind that he said he wouldn’t chase after her if she decided to leave.

Every move you make, every step you take...

Ana finally goes to the hardware store and really enjoys driving her new car. Around lunch, a messenger comes with a blackberry that has email capability so that Christian can continue to talk to her. I don’t see why she can’t just text him? Is that hard? Is it so different from e-mailing? Or is it just that with texts, we can’t get his “cute” little titles for himself and subject lines? I suspect it’s the latter. Anyway, Ana promises to e-mail Christian once she gets home.

Ana leaves the normal world behind when she quits her job, and goes home to find Kate completely unimpressed with the brand new car. Taylor comes for the Beetle, and I have huge issues with this. Not only does Christian pretty much out and say that Ana is weak and unable to be safe, but Jose should have been offered the car. Jose Sr. should have been offered the car. It was Jose’s dead mom’s car. I’m pretty sure he would have wanted it back. As Taylor leaves, he tells Ana that Christian is a good man. Hey, Taylor? If Christian wanted your daughter to be his sub, would you still feel that way? As any of us who love Professor Snape. He’s a good man, but not particularly kind. It’s easy to be that way.

Elliott comes over to see Kate later, and Ana rolls her eyes at how he acts towards Kate. Ana feels free being able to roll her eyes at someone. As Elliott and Kate get loudly busy, Ana decides to go out for a drink with Jose (oh noes, what will Christian think??) and as they walk out, Ana thinks about how uncomplicated Jose is. She also thinks he’s going to be upset about the car, so she’s afraid to talk to him about it. Does this girl have a relationship with anyone where there is an open and honest line of communication? Signs point to “no”.

Ana gets back home kind of late and finds e-mails and missed calls from Christian. She realizes that she didn’t e-mail him like she said she would, and now she’s all worried that he’ll be angry. She calls him and has to make him feel good about himself now, because you know, that’s her job.

The next day is moving day, and Elliott helps both Kate and Ana and hangs their TV on the wall and everything. It’s really sweet. It’s how boyfriends act. Christian is not a boyfriend, so he’s not there. He sends a bottle of pink champagne and a helicopter balloon that looks like Christian’s helicopter. Throughout the move, Ana was jealous about how demonstrative Elliott is towards Kate, but she’s not willing to give up Christian in order to find someone who will behave that way towards her, so I just really can’t feel sorry for her.

Ana e-mails Christian to thank him for the balloon and says it’s currently tied to her bed. Christian’s all, “Lucky Charlie Tango.” I mean, I know he’s (probably) not jealous of the balloon (maybe), but honestly? He can be tied to Ana’s bed. He can be there. He just has these stupid arbitrary rules that say he can’t spend the night or be romantic or relinquish any sort of control, so saying something like that is monumentally illogical. It’s not like there’s going to be an occasion where he will ever be tied to Ana’s bed, so why say that?

I tell you what's illogical.

The next day, Ana heads over to Casa Christian, and he shows her that they made the newspaper with the photo that got taken at graduation. To his credit, he’s not flipping out. What he is flipping out about is that his mom wants him to bring Ana to her house for dinner that evening.

Christian rolls his eyes at Ana, and Ana confronts him about how he’s allowed to do that, but she’s not. He’s like, “Oh, I wasn’t aware I was doing that…” Idiot.

Chapter Eighteen



Christian has a gynecologist called into his apartment on a Sunday, and she examines Ana and prescribes hormonal birth control (HBC) for her. I am so hoping that this is the end of the condom descriptions.

Ana comments that Dr. Green doesn’t suffer fools gladly, like Kate. Does this mean that Kate also doesn’t suffer fools gladly, or that Dr. Greene doesn’t suffer Kate? Either way, both suffer Ana, so make of that what you will.

We return to “The Red Room of Pain” (a new movie starring Vincent Price!) that is so red and like a womb and sexy because it’s reminiscent of a woman’s reproductive pouch. Christian shows Ana what he expects, which is the first thing he’s really done in this regard. Ana kneels with her palms on her thighs and waits for Christian. He doesn’t tell her she can’t look around with her head down, so I’m assuming she’s allowed to and that is the reason she’s not in trouble for staring at his feet.

Finally, Christian has kinky sex using handcuffs and a riding crop that is just like the one from Ana’s dream. She decides she enjoys it just fine. Then he uncuffs her and uses the zip ties instead and finally she gets his little shopping spree at the beginning of the book. I just want to reiterate that there’s really not a lot in this scene that I can’t imagine the president doing to Mrs. Obama. Not that I would imagine that. But I’m just saying it’s not anything…oh, never mind.

"Let me show you my technique."

Chapter Nineteen

After a nice nap, Ana and Christian get ready to go to the Grey House, only Christian has Ana’s panties and hasn’t offered them back yet. She decides to not ask for them back and goes around commando. This is a good plan if you’re woman enough to pull it off, particularly in a skirt. It makes the guy think that you’ve been thinking about him all night, and that you want him. Ana, of course, is not woman enough to pull it off and is totally a basket case over it.

At The Grey House, we meet Mia, Christian’s really annoying little sister. She’s about Ana’s age and has Curves in All the Right Places®. If any guy ever thought about doing to Mia what Christian does to Ana, then Christian would kill the guy. This is what we call a double standard, children.

So now that Ana is in The Grey Living Room, she starts realizing that the only reason Christian invited her was because Kate was invited, and that he didn’t want her to feel bad about not going. I actually come out on the side of Christian in this one, because I don’t see him as the sort of guy who would allow people to tell him what to do. He’s a control freak, and if he didn’t want Ana there, she wouldn’t be there.

"I never let anyone tell me what to do! Except Darcy. And my sister."

There’s a maid because of course there is, and of course, she’s hot for Christian. This is getting old.

Around the dinner table, everyone starts bringing up fabulous vacations, so Ana sort of defensively says she’s been thinking about visiting her mom in Georgia. What she doesn’t say is that she’s been thinking about it for the last two minutes or so.

Christian, of course (all together now) is angry.

This is my issue: Christian only wants Ana on the weekends. If she goes to Georgia during the week, why does he care? If he doesn’t want the sort of relationship with hearts and Hallmark cards and unicorns pooping rainbows, then he can’t expect this stuff from Ana.

Kate takes this opportunity to start riling Christian up about how Ana went out for a drink with Jose. Honey badger cares. Honey badger gives a shit. Honey badger is angry. Ana is understandably scared.

"No! I don't care! I don't give a fuck! I just got bit by a cobra!"

Ana shouldn’t be scared. This is bullshit. Jose has been her friend for years, and yeah, when he was drunk he tried to kiss her because alcohol removes inhibitions. But he apologized and Ana is now okay with him. Christian should be too. And you should never be this scared of your boyfriend!

But then he’s suddenly fine and so is Ana because both of these people have the intelligence and attention span of a goldfish.

"I speak on behalf of all goldfish when I say I am offend...bubbles!"

However, when Christian offers to take Ana on a tour of the grounds, we all know what’s going to happen. He’s going to spank her for being a bad, bad girl.

See, in normal relationships, you say that “bad, bad girl” part with sarcasm dripping. In this relationship, he means it.





Chapter Twenty

Ana manages to talk Christian out of hitting her, which confuses him. I guess because he’s used to subs? And he’s also confused that she refused him at dinner. You see, he was putting his hand up her thigh and she squeezed her legs together to stop him, and that’s never happened to him before. He finally settles on getting himself off, but not letting her orgasm. And we’re treated to even more condom fun. Joy.

Mia, of course, breaks in on their post-coital bliss causing them to scramble into their clothing really quickly. Mia doesn’t know how to not be annoying. I also don’t see how she doesn’t know what’s going on. I mean, she’s supposed to be around 22, so clearly she should have this whole sex thing figured out.

Back inside, Ana asks Kate to stop antagonizing Christian. Kate says that she wants Ana to see him as he really is. Which might be okay if you had a friend who was not consenting to being abused. If you do know someone who is being abused, though, antagonizing the abuser will probably just make your friend cling to the abuser even more, and the abuser will single you out as the first person to be isolated from. The best thing I’ve found, back when my friend was with a guy who was really super controlling, not much fun, but my friend felt this crazy compunction to be with him, was to just start talking through hypotheticals with her. And even that was only after she called me really upset and worried about how things were going. I also started out the conversation defending him against a mutual friend, so I started out from a place that was not antagonizing. I mean, these are things you really have to skate a fine line with. Kate is as subtle as Baldric with Ana as her crazy Blackadder.

"I am no longer the worst human being on the face of the earth! Curse you, Christian Grey!"

On the way home, Ana confesses to Christian that she only brought up Georgia so she didn’t seem like a loser with no vacation plans in front of his parents. Had she not brought this up a few chapters ago, I’d believe her. Anyway, Christian encourages her to go visit her mom, and I hope she has tons of money because transcontinental flights on the fly aren’t cheap or easy to get. I hope she has a long book to read on stand-by. Finally, she admits that she’s also feeling really overwhelmed by him and needs Georgia in order to think away from him.

Christian begs Ana to stay the night in his bed. Funny, because when Ana begged Christian, he still left. But Ana stays. He wants to go to Georgia with her because he doesn’t understand the whole “need for space away from you” part of the issue. Ana tells him no. Note from the future: he’s going to show up.

Okay, Christian puts some Benewah Balls inside Ana. What are Benewah balls? They are weighted, generally stainless steel, balls that you stick in your vagina in order to exercise your Kegel muscles. Since Ana is very young and virginal, I don’t think her muscles are very stretched out, but learning to clench is also learning to unclench, so it’s never too early to start. (Unclenching would help with fisting and also extreme/double penetration, if you’re into that or thinking about either of those things, you may want to look into the balls.)

The balls in question are stainless, and held together by a black thread. I googled for ages and could not find any Benewah balls that looked like this. I found something called “Luna Balls” that were silicone and held together by silicone with a silicone pull-cord to remove them, but all the Benewah Balls I could find were separate, and can I just mention that I doubt that little black string is too easy to sanitize? Benewah balls are separate usually because you’re supposed to start with one, for just a minute or two, and then slowly build your muscles to handle the weight for a full fifteen minutes. Then you start with the second. If you can sneeze and not have the balls shoot out, you’re doing good. It’s about controlling the muscles, not just making them tight. Benewah balls help with incontinence, too, and even men find them useful for the “back door” as it were, so they’re really good for all sexes.

These are actually Baoding Balls because I wanted this to be SFW.
(this is funny because they look exactly alike)

Christian’s balls, I have mentioned, are held together by a black string and have a pull cord with them. I don’t see how even synthetic string could be sanitized easily, but whatever. This author also has Ana with a full bladder in the third book while she has a catheter inside of her, so it’s not like I expected her to research or anything, but making it seems that someone can just do this right away is really irresponsible to me. What does she have to do? She has to walk and get him a drink of water. Then he spanks her, but for pleasure, and then he has sex with her.



More to come

Update: My Kindle died last night, and I'm about to go on vacation for over a week, so I probably won't update about Fifty Shades for a couple of weeks. Hopefully I'll be getting back to Christian and Ana around July 16th or so, so try and hold on. I mean, who knows what's going to happen between these two crazy kids! I mean, their relationship is so strong and built on tons of trust and friendship and respect for one another, so it'd be terrible if something came between them.

My reading style

So, in the wake of yesterday's post about how I don't want to upset authors with my reviews, but I want to say if I liked or didn't like a book, or even just "discuss" it in a one-sided way with myself here on my blog, I went into my Kindle archives and found a few books I haven't read yet. These books were on the cheap side, all under five bucks, but the descriptions intriugued me and they all had good reviews, so I purchased and dug in.

The last book I read, The False Prince by Jennifer A. Nielsen was pretty much the sort of book I like when I read fantasy. It was a little more "young" than "adult", but it was well written, had enough castle intrigue to be intriguing, and though I knew what the plot "twist" would eventually reveal, I still enjoyed the ride. It was great.

This current book I'm reading, though...I won't say the name or the author, but it's bad. I mean, it's bad. And it's not bad in a Twilight kind of way where you enjoy it even though it's bad for you (see Cleolinda's Twinkie analogy), it's bad in a "Didn't this author ever take a creative writing class?" kind of way. I am five or six chapters in, and I have yet to find a plot, and I know absolutely nothing about the heroine other than she reads books (duh), she goes to college (good for her), she has a best friend (you don't say?), a bad relationship with her mother (it's the prerequisite for being a heroine nowadays), and her best friend's brother likes her a lot, though the feeling is not exactly mutual (good job, though, dating your best friend's brother is always a bad idea). But as for who the heroine is, what she's about, her personal philosophies, any of that, it's all blank. One of my favorite parts of reading a book is to read about the world the characters live in.

In Daughter of Smoke and Bone, one of my favorite parts of reading was hearing all about Prague and the streets and how much the heroine loved her world. I knew right away what her interests were, who she was, and what she was about. I think Forever Young Adult said that they'd give Karou a BFF charm, and it's true. You like this girl. She has moxie and she's made mistakes, she's wrong about some things, but she's right too, and you just like her. She seems real. This new book, the main character, who we'll just call Bella in order to save ourselves trouble, has been very good about detailing the minutia of her day without actually making me connect with her. That's what I want. In The False Prince, I liked Sage from the beginning. The very first description of him is him running from a butcher after having stolen a loin of meat for the orphanage he lives in. Our first description of "Bella" is her whining about how she hates flying, and then how some guy who is perfect, and yes, she uses the "adonis" word on some pasty white guy, comes and sits next to her after we spend a few sentences on her looking at herself in a mirror.

It's hard to write. It is really, really hard to write. The difference between a good book and a bad book is almost always in the tiny details. The way you describe someone without stopping the story in order to do it. How you explain why the character is going to one restaurant, but not the other. Making life-long childhood friends have a reason to be so.

My biggest issue with this new book is the way the author writes her characters as though she has a litmus test of what every YA novel must have in it and is incorporating everything without actually trying to inject her soul into it. So far, the main character has met two arrestingly handsome men, one of whom seems interested in her. She has managed to pull out angry stares from all of the girls around her because there is no way that these guys can not be attractive to everyone else in the world. She has reduced all of these other women to slavering beasts without self control as they trip over themselves in order to get the attention of these two guys. And worst of all, Bella asks her best friend if she talked to Adonis #2, and Best Friend said "no", and then two paragraphs later, Bella asks what Adonis #2 and Best Friend talked about, and we get a rundown of what they talked about. So far, she hasn't used "prone" to describe someone lying on their back, but I figure it's only a matter of time. The author is also fixated on the different types of cars everyone drives. I think that naming cars in books is now the new pron for everyone.

You know, Fifty Shades is a pretty awful book. Christian is abusive and controlling, and Ana spends the first book being pushed around by him, and then the other two books begging him to not be angry with her for doing little things like running out to get lunch or sunbathing topless on the French Riviera or having drinks with her friends. But the book is compelling. The writing is great (although, James, I need to tell you: prone=laying on the face. Supine=laying on the back. Christian cannot be prone and staring at the ceiling unless he needs an exorcist or an undertaker.) and there are very few grammatical/syntax/continuity flaws. I can read a book that I find infuriating if the writing is good, and I can enjoy it. I have a very hard time reading a book where there is nothing holding me to it.

I don't care about Bella or her Adonises. Her best friend is nothing, and her mom seems to be the only one who knows that Bella is a total twat.

So, authors, let's start working on this. I need my characters to internalize more, too. Let's do it together! (gag)

My book reviews

I read a lot, and I usually like to talk about what I read, so I've started posting about it here online. My reviews are not by a professional critic, but by me, a lover of books. I don't like some books. I love other books. I'm on the fence about some. Some are great books, but aren't my cup of tea.

Pictured: My cup of tea (no, this joke will never get old)

Why do I bring this up? Because over at OTF_Wank, there have been several author meltdowns at people who, like me, leave reviews depicting books that they're either so-so about, or just didn't enjoy. One author got all over a reviewer (a person who's blog is even solely dedicated to reviews) for pointing out horrible writing, syntax, grammar, punctuation, and spelling. Despite samples being passed around and other commenters pointing out what was wrong with the writing, the author maintained that she was absolutely correct in everything and the reviewer was just being mean. Another reviewer had on their blog that they will read up to fifteen mistakes before putting the book down, and she barely got in ten pages before she put the book down. Honestly, these are reasons why I would not read a book. I am glad that these reviewers point this out so that I don't waste time or money buying the books and being disappointed. I go by what other authors recommend, and I enjoy reading reviews, even after I have read the book.

For me, talking about a book after I read it is a way to continue to connect with it. I would feel bad if an author felt sad that I didn't like their book, but I would hope that since they are an author, they know that not everyone is going to like what they have to say. I would also hope that they would know better than to come to someone's blog and start attacking the blogger for being honest about a book.

I want to tell authors that people want to like their books. We're readers, those of us who review, and we enjoy reading. We enjoy the worlds authors can create. But we also get upset when a world doesn't manage to make sense, or when text does not live up to its intended design. I know we currently live in a world where every child gets a trophy for participation whether they're a good soccer player or not, and your high school diploma is now just one of many diplomas you've received over the years, so accomplishment and achievement are no longer unusual occurrences. Everything is now rewarded, both failure and accomplishment. But at the end of the day, I read what I enjoy (and yes, I include Fifty Shades in that category).

Chapter By Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades of Grey: chapters 6-10

Chapter Six


In the Greymobile, Ana is all upset that Christian is saying nothing about their kiss. This is more than likely because the kiss just happened and there’s nothing really to talk about. Ana starts getting really irrational about how Christian is driving so perfectly and not talking and I’m like, what does she want him to do? Pull down her panties and start giving her a handy while they drive? He’s driving a car. Leave him alone.

The silence is soon broken by Christian taking a bunch of phone calls on speaker just to show how important he is. One of those people is his brother Emmett…er...Elliott, who apparently went home with Kate the night before. Elliott is a pretty nice guy, proving that Christian’s problems stem from sociopathy rather than his upbringing. Ana gets sort of jealous about how free and easy Kate and Elliott are with each other, and Christian’s like, “I’m not going to kiss you again unless it’s premeditated” and Ana is fine with that instead of wanting to run away.

Elliot tells Kate, “Laters, baby,” and you need to remember this because it will be in the book about ten thousand more times.

So, Ana and Christian have a date set, and it involves strapping Ana into a helicopter harness. Christian enjoys strapping her in, and then starts making comments about how she’s always biting her lower lip, and he wants to be the one to bite it, etc.

Basically, he wants her to control a nervous tick of hers because it drives him crazy, and he apparently has no self-control. Well, this is actually okay since Ana apparently doesn’t either.

Is the lip-biting thing a nod to how Kristin Stewart “acts” in Twilight? She’s all lip biting and twitchy and looks like she’s going to throw up every few minutes, which is somehow even more annoying than Bella Swan, so I’m just curious about this lip biting thing.

Ana asks if they’re going to make love, and Christian’s all, “I don’t make love. I fuck. Hard.” And he’s not going to do anything until she understands what she’s getting into.

I have this in my notes: “Oh, who am I kidding. i don't care how kinky the author wants things to get, if there's anything other than missionary in here, i'll eat my hat.”



Chapter Seven



Christian takes Ana to his playroom. She says, “The walls are dark burgundy giving a womb-like effect to the room.” Eh. Yeah. So sexy. Eugh. Jeez.

who's a cute widdwe ewephant? Who? You are! You are!

So, when I first read through this, I thought he had figured out that she was a virgin, seeing as how he knew everything about her from her clothing size to her address to her taste in books, but apparently he hadn’t figured it out yet, so I was really incredulous during this scene. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just have sex with her regularly a few times just to get her acclimated, and then introduce the other stuff, so I found this whole scene really disconcerting.



Ana, to her credit, asks some good questions about the whole thing, and she wants to know what she gets out of being a sub. She gets him, of course.

All aboard the Bingley express

So, I’m not an expert at D/s. It’s not really a lifestyle I’m into, but I have known others who are into it. Some who have even kept subs in collars and whatnot. It’s an interesting lifestyle, but it’s not usually combined with sex. D/s is usually a fulfilling activity in its own right, and it’s not unusual for people who participate in the lifestyle to go for months at a time without having actual sex. I will say this again: Christian is into kink, not BDSM. He likes sex. Rough sex. He likes to spank and punish and order someone around, but at the end of the day, he likes sex. It’s what he’s after. The spanking and the ordering around is not enough for him.



He also wants to not really have much of a relationship with his sub. This again would be against BDSM guidelines. Doms and subs need to be able to trust each other implicitly, and you don’t get that sort of relationship from spending a few hours in a playroom on the weekends. If you are a sub, then your Dom has complete control over you unless you tell him/her to stop. If you don’t trust them to stop when you tell them to, then you cannot trust them. If you are a Dom, you need to trust your sub to tell you when to stop. When you don’t trust that other person, people get hurt. People who are in these relationships usually know more about each other than couples who have been together for fifty years.



Anyway, eventually Ana informs Christian that she’s a virgin and he freaks out quite a bit because he’s all about control, and this was something he hadn’t foreseen. I will admit that his reaction is mildly adorable. He’s like, “We need to get you de-virginized STAT!” Of course, he’s pissed that she didn’t tell him about it. What was she supposed to do? When was she supposed to tell him? When they first met? I don’t get this guy. He makes no sense.



Chapter eight



They have sex. Geez. About time. Afterwards, he goes all sad sparkley vampire and plays a song on the piano.

The only time it's acceptable for a man to brood while playing piano. Hi, Johnny.

Chapter Nine



Ana wakes up, turns on her music, and starts dancing around the kitchen. Of course Mr. Creepy comes to watch and order her around, but that’s what he does.



Ana finally calls Kate, which is about twelve hours later than she said she’d call her. I’m totally disappointed in Kate for not calling the cops. Really, Kate, this is what friends do.



Okay, before I say this next part, I just want to be honest about the fact that I haven’t read much about this book before I actually read it. I did know that it was supposedly about BDSM, and that it was based on Twilight, which isn’t much of a stretch of the imagination, really. But I didn’t know which direction the book was going in (see above, re: my thinking Christian had to know Ana was a virgin). But this was my thought process:



This book is about BDSM (supposedly).



It’s based on Twilight.



Twitards are all about fantasy and making men who seem perfect but are really deeply sociopathic.



BDSM makes sense in that context, HOWEVER—



There is no way that this story would have been popular if it was about actual BDSM AND SO



The book must be about Ana finding out what happened with Christian earlier in his life that led him to this path and must THEREFORE



Find a way to cure Christian of his BDSM preoccupation.



Note from the future: You are so good, baby. Laters.



I’m really sorry. Really, I am. I’m slightly disappointed that it turned out to be this way. But these are my notes:



“christian says he never had vanilla sex before, which makes me wonder if he jumped in only doing bdsm, which is sort of like trying to build a highrise without a foundation.






well, this book wouldn't be very popular if it was actually about kinky sex, so maybe ana is supposed to teach christian how to do vanilla.”



I do think it’s nice that Christian tells Ana that she’s beautiful and compliments her and whatnot. It really is a good thing to tell the girl you’re sleeping with that she’s pretty.



I have issues with Ana performing her first BJ perfectly, and that she’s done it in a full bathtub as well. I’ll admit that I started skimming once the sex got graphic, but this is a bit unbelievable. People need help with this kind of stuff, so either she’s been practicing on her own, or she’s a miracle worker because he gives her an A.



Christian really wants her to sign the contract. I would think that if he really had her sexual well-being at heart, he’d want her to have more experience. Oh, but he owns her virginity. Retch. Whatever.



His mom comes over and Christian wants Ana to meet her. I hope we learn why he’s so messed up.



Chapter Ten



His mom wears neutrals because of course she does. She seems like a pretty decent lady, though, and she seems to be pleased that Ana is there.



After Mom goes away, Ana answers her phone thinking it must be Kate, and it’s Jose.



Okay, so the night that Christian came to the bar to “rescue” Ana, he found Jose pawing at her and trying to kiss her, and Christian has hated Jose ever since. And now he’s all pissed off that Ana is talking to Jose, and Ana wants to know why, and it’s because she’s Christian’s, not Jose’s, and…yeah. Way to set feminism back three hundred years. Does Jose need to give him a goat and three chickens to make up for it?



Christian says that Ana wanting to discuss their relationship is defiant on her part. So is wanting to have friends and a social life and all that other stuff that Christian thinks she shouldn’t have because she’s “his” and he doesn’t need those things.



Okay, so one of the things that makes a lot of sense is that Christian wanted Ana to sign a nondisclosure agreement. I get this. Could you imagine if Bill Gates was into BDSM? Heck, could you imagine if Jared from Subway was into BDSM? The tabloids would have a field day. But Ana needs to talk to Kate. Not about the bondage, but just about the sex. Christian isn’t into this. He thinks Ana should ask him all of her sex questions. Yeah. This is how he is. So, finally, he’s like, “Be discreet.” She will.



He drives her home, and I have this in my notes: “he is obsessed with her eating. is this a thing in the twilight fandom? is it because of the first book when edward was all over bella to eat and drink her coke after she almost got raped? is this their gauge at how much a guy likes you? i am glad i don't know, but sort of wish i did.”



I don’t get the eating thing. He lords over Ana until she is too nervous to eat, and then she can’t eat, and he lords over her for not eating.



Ladies (and gentlemen…), if this is what your relationship is like, you need to get out of it. This is not an equitable relationship. I feel like I need to stress this over and over again. This is not a good relationship. If a guy (or girl) makes you feel badly about yourself, you need to walk away from them. It will be hard, but you have to do it.



Okay, so Ana and Kate talk about sex and all that, and then Jose calls and accuses Ana of liking Christian because of his money. This goes over as well as you think it would. We can’t like Jose of course. If we liked Jose, we might think that he’d be better for Ana, and if we thought someone would be better for Ana, then we'd think Christian wasn't right for her. It's this sort of logical fallacy that keeps us going in this story. "Well, who else can she be with?" because her being single is out of the question. Don't forget: if she doesn't snatch up Christian, she'll be a crazy cat lady in her thirties and she'll never be loved by anyone!



Later, Ana is able to eat without Christian nagging her. Big surprise! He’d better stay away from the Souplantation. I was there over the weekend, and someone had three huge pieces of bread on a plate in the busboy station. It was pretty shameful. I mean, it's a buffet. You take one piece of bread, and if you want more, you go back for more. How hard is this? But they had to take three pieces and only eat a half of one. There are starving children in Africa!



We find out that Christian Grey was taken under the wing of a much older Dom while he was in high school, and Ana (and pretty much everyone else in the world) considers this to be sexual abuse. Again, I have this as my note before I read the rest of the book: “I wonder if he would look at it that way? Since I predict that this book will be about making Grey less kinky and more normal, I guess we have to deal with his angst later.”



I am sooo good. Really.



Our last thought before the end of the chapter is Ana thinking she’d never know about BDSM if she didn’t know Christian. I actually want to know how she’s never known about it before. I knew about it by the time I was….fourteen? I think? Grow up, little girl.



Laters, baby. More to come.

Good Books Are Good

I love Jen Lancaster. She's a great author, and she makes me laugh. She is very active on her facebook, blog and Twitter, and as a reader and fan, I totally get behind that.

She usually writes memoires, her first being "Bitter Is The New Black" which follows her from being a rather large, wealthy fish in a rather small pond to being out of work, in incredible debt, and trying to make her way after the huge market crash following 9-11. It's a great story, especially since she is so self-deprecating. You see the build-up in the way she is, the way she spends, and you know what's coming. And when it does, it's somewhat gratifying that a spoiled ex-sorority girl trying to claw her way back up, but you also feel badly for her because it must have been hard. My favorite memoire of hers is "Such a Pretty Fat" which follows her through trying to lose weight. Again, you get a huge beginning of abject indulgence followed by a huge fall from grace when she starts realizing how her weight is affecting her health. Her honesty is what you're there for, and her descriptions of her friends, dogs, husband, cats, and her various apartment-related-issues of living in the big city (Chicago) and being surrounded by all kinds of crime and Redneckishness, wanna-be gang members (and real gang members) and homeless crack heads. Jen (can I call her Jen?) might not always have the perfect witty comeback at the tip of her tongue, but her reflections are always golden.

I kind of want to be like her when I grow up.

Anyway, I'm reading her new novel, "If You Were Here" which actually came out quite a while ago (I've been busy!) to the point that she actually had another book come out in the last few weeks (Jenneration X) and is currently doing a tour for it, so I am admittedly behind on things here.

But the book. Oh, the book. The book does not disappoint.

It follows Mia and Mac (who are suspiciously exactly like Jen and her husband Fletch) as they embark on their first foray into homeownership. Mia is a writer who writes YA novels about teenaged Amish zombies.

No, no, I'm serious. Teenaged Amish zombies.

They're teenagers, and they're Amish, and there are zombies. Sometimes they're in love with the zombies.

Someone needs to get into this genre quick.

I'm actually not very far into the book yet (only about 28%), so I can't speak for the whole thing, but so far it's great. However, just like most of her books, there are huge foreshadowing clues that sort of hit you in the head about what will go wrong.

For one, they are buying a house based on the fact that it was Jake Ryan's house in Sixteen Candles (Mia's reason) and because it has a panic room (Mac's reason). There is no way this can go wrong. (Also: Jaaaaaaake!)

For two, Mia spends so much time talking about how cute and adorable her inspector was, but very little time actually talking about what he inspected. This house has stood vacant for over twenty years, there is no way that it's going to get a glowing report. I'm surprised there wasn't grass growing through the foundation.

For three, Mia and Mac's former landlady is called Vienna Hyatt, and...well, I'm sorry Jen (I can call you Jen, right?) but that's a little...um...not smart and witty. It's the opposite of smart and witty. And you're smart and witty, and you're too good for that. Vienna Hyatt makes me think of Chekhov's Gun (not a reference to my cat or the Star Trek character, but to the actual writer and if you don't know what TV Tropes is, I can't help you here), and I'm sure she's going to make a reappearance at some point because you just don't invest that much into someone unless you're planning on resurrecting their character at some point.

For four, apparently the people of the neighborhood were going to tear down the house and turn it into some sort of community property, so they hate Mia and Mac already. And that never bodes well.

So far, the book is making me laugh, and I'm already driving my mom crazy by reading out blocks of text to her while she's trying to do her own thing, but she loves Jen (I'm just going to call her that) like I do, and she laughs with me.

Fifty Shades of Puke

I keep circling this book.

On the one hand, I know it's going to be horrible.

1. The chances that a fanfiction writer has actually researched the complexity of the D/s relationship is highly doubtful.

2. The chances that a Twilight fan would know any position other than Missionary is highly doubtful.

3. The chances that a Twilight fanfiction writer can write good BDSM in a coherent way is highly doubtful.

4. The chances that a Twilight fanfiction writer can fill in the rest of the book with a coherent plot is highly doubtful.

However

5. The chances that I would enioy this book in any way is highly doubtful, and my friend Cassandra always says I write better reviews when I hate the book so

6. I might just do it.


Edit: I just found this quote at Reasoning with Vampires:

Related Quote: “Twilight at least has the benefit of being fascinating in its awfulness, like a car wreck where you can’t tell if the primary cause was one driver’s cataracts, another driver’s onset of peanut allergy, the rockslide, the sudden appearance off a horde of rabid badgers, or the mysterious solar eclipse. Fifty Shades of Grey is just a drunk driver. Both are hailed as automotive revolutions.” — Audreyii

Book Review: Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor

I'm just going to come out and say that while this book is brilliant and unpredictable, it just wasn't my thing. And that's odd because I'm all about the fantasy genre. I support this book, I am glad this book was made, I think the author must be wonderful, but through the book, I just kept waiting for the end. After my questions were answered, "Who is Karou?" "What is Karou?" "What are the teeth for?", I lost interest. Those were the only things keeping me going, and then I was like, "Okay, good times. Thanks. Off to the fourth Green Rider book for me." It was very odd, because I feel that I really am part of the intended audience for this book, but we can't all like everything. There have been plenty of things that I've seen or read or heard where I've said, "This is a masterpiece, but I really don't care to see any more."

Okay, onto the rest. Karou is an excellent character, capable of taking care of herself and living her own life, which she does. She was raised by Chimeras, who are part human, part animal, and she enters their world through a doorway that works as a portal between the worlds. Her "family" deals in wishes and teeth, and it's every bit as weird as it sounds.

Karou currently lives in Prague in her own apartment, and she's been pretty much "on her own" her whole life (typical YA heroine, but that's to be expected), and visits the otherworld pretty frequently. She often goes to barter for teeth in other countries, which she uses the portal to get in and out of. Even though she has blue hair (a wish, not a natural thing), is well-traveled and knows many languages (more wishes, not a natural aptitude), she's not an annoying person.

Conflict of course comes, and I won't spoil the book for anyone, but Karou must bear the conflict and find out all of the answers to her questions: who is she? What is she? What are the teeth for?

It really was an excellent book, but there was a lot that didn't hold me. I guess that since I'm no longer a teenager, someone living on their own at a young age doesn't really appeal to me, nor does being an art student, staying out really late, having an ex-boyfriend to prank, or going to an uber-cool restaurant for goulash. If I were a teenager, I'd probably have been eating it all up, but as a single thirty-something with a career and responsibilities, Karou's life seems empty and sad to me. When the action started, though, I was really riveted. But then I got to the end, with a very clear cliffhanger, and I was able to shrug and put it away and move onto other books.

Book Review: The Girl of Fire and Thorns by Rae Carson

Okay, so I'm going to start a little different. I have no idea if this author is religious or not, but I'm guessing she is, and I'm guessing she's some sort of orthodox--either Eastern or Roman--and religion is totally a focal point in this book. If you thought CS Lewis's allegory was a little obvious, you will think Carson downright heavy-handed. However, I have said before and I will say again that books with actual religious views and backgrounds are totally awesome to me, and I love how authors can incorporate and think of ways for their characters to be superstitious.


Okay, onto the book.


The main character is Lucero-Elisa, who was chosen shortly after her birth to be some sort of great person, as God marks her with a Godstone; a jewel in her bellybutton that countless others througout the ages, every hundred years, have also carried. The problem is that no one actually tries to help Elisa become great. They just leave her to her own devices, and her only companions are older maids who are sweet and everything, but a young girl needs more than that. Elisa turns to food for companionship, and as a result is very heavy and getting heavier every year. Elisa also has a favorite book, The Belleza Guerra, which seems to be an Art of War-meets-Machiavelli sort of book. She quotes it constantly, and every time she does, I'm reminded of Lilo and her assertions about Elvis being a model Hawaiian citizen. I mean, that's how sweet and innocent this character is.


Naturally, she can't stay that way. Princesses have to marry princes or kings, and Elisa is no different. Her father and older sister arrange a marriage on her sixteenth birthday to a king of a neighboring land, and Elisa suddenly finds herself in a different country with all new foods.


Now, Elisa is much different than me. I'm heavy, but Elisa seems to be morbidly obese. She's totally got Such A Pretty Face syndrome, and while I'm on the subject, thank you Rae Carson for a character who is dark haired, dark eyed and dark skinned! And even thank you for making her fat. I just...I'm not like that. I'm heavy, but I don't eat in front of people, and Elisa seems to have no problem with that. She eats, and then she goes back for more, and then she visits the kitchen in the middle of the day and night and afternoon and elevenses. I squirrel away food, particularly sweets, and eat it when no one can see. I know that everyone is different, but most of the fat people I know don't like opening themselves to ridicule by eating out loud like that. Elisa is really pathetic where food is concerned, and while I loved her descriptions of honeyed melons and sugared date balls and scones of all sorts, I started thinking that food is less of a comfort to her and more of an addiction. And that's okay, I just wish there had been more of her eating normally in public and then sneaking off to somewhere else to really dig in and get her "fix".


Now, Elisa's Godstone is sort of in the background in the beginning, but such a thing can't stay hidden. In her new country, King Alejandro decides to keep his marriage to Elisa hidden, and tells her not to reveal her Godstone to anyone. Elisa sort of flounders at this and actually gets proactive and writes her sister a note, and her sister answers and says basically, that if Elisa wants to be queen, she has to make herself queen.


So Elisa hides in her bedroom and eats herself silly.


And I walk into the book and smack her upside the head and shout, "Wake up you idiot!"


The good news is that Elisa begins to proactively attempt to learn more about her Godstone and learns that her sect believes that a Bearer can know nothing about it beforehand, otherwise their service will be tainted, while the sect she is currently in believes in training people. However, Ximena, Elisa's nurse, turns out to be a guardian in Elisa's sect, so Elisa can only do so much while she's around. The father of the temple gives Elisa three Godstones that fell out of their Bearers after they died, and Elisa is left to ponder them...but not for too long because of course she's kidnapped.

Now, I've read books where the heroine starts out heavy and then loses weight for whatever reason, but I've also only read one (1) book where the heroine started out heavy and remained heavy (Hi, Jenny Crusie!). I don't know why an author can't just be okay with the fact that her character is heavy. Now, in this case, Elisa is morbidly obese. She can't walk up a flight of steps without getting tired, and she can't go for an hour without eating. She has a pavlovian response to food and absolutely zero coping mechanisms, so I'm okay with her transformation. Particularly since the transformation, while physical, is mostly mental. Elise enters the desert a squishy creature with no discernable skeletal structure and emerges with a backbone firmly in place. It takes months and it's heartbreaking for her. But finally, finally, she sheds her skin and is transformed. Her obsession with food is still firmly in place, but it starts taking a backseat to her obsession with learning about people. Not from a book or from a place of superiority over them, but as an equal to them. She starts learning how to make friends by being a friend and how to get respect by giving it. She also learns what it means to be a part of a community, and that being a ruler means knowing your people. Lastly, she learns what love really is, and that she can't live without it.

In fairy tales, transformation happens usually in a forest, but for Elisa, she must enter the desert. She even starts learning more about the Godstone (oh yeah, that) and how to use it to save her people.

In all, I was very happy with this story, though it is more "young" than "adult". There are going to be two more books, but I'm not sure if I'll read them. Not that this book wasn't enjoyable, but I'm not sure I can handle Elisa again. I'm glad she transformed, but she started out the book a virgin bride, and she ended a virgin bride. Sure, I get that her husband wasn't all that, and that she fell in love with someone else, she's been through a huge transformation both physical and mental, and I don't think she should have just hopped into bed with Alejandro at the first chance she got, but...it would have given her that last edge. That last facet. She ends being just a virgin who can't drive. And just because I railed against this in Branded by Taylor Keary, I want to say that I don't think people should just go and have sex. I'm in the third Green Rider book, ad Karigan still hasn't lost her virginity, but since there is no emphasis for her on sexual relations, and because she's disinterested in being with anyone other than the guy she is not currently romantically involved in, it doesn't bother me. In both Branded and this book, there is an undercurrent of the heroine just allowing stuff to happen to her rather than her happening to stuff, and sexuality is one of those things that both heroines turn off. Karigan by contrast is very capable of reaching out and taking what she wants, but she stops herself not because she is embarrassed by sex, or because she's not ready, but because she doesn't want to. Both Elisa and Jessica seem to want to have sex, but are embarrassed by it, or shamed by it, or ashamed of their bodies, or whatever is stopping them. In fact, Elisa gets a little mean with Alejandro, and yes, he's not really a likable character, I just wish she had taken more control of the situation in a firmer way. She's a strong heroine in many ways, but in some important ways, she flounders and...again, I'm not sure I care to read more.

Overall, I'll give it a B.


Edit: I almost forgot. In regards to Elisa and her Godstone, there are all sorts of people after her. One of the sects of the church feels that Elisa is not important, but her Godstone is. Alejandro clearly thinks she can use it to help him lead the war that is coming. The people who kidnap Elisa believe that the Godstone will help them win the war that they are already in the thick of, and the people who are bringing the war think that Elisa will help them prevail. Everyone says that it's the will of God. This, that, the other thing, is the will of God. Except Elisa. She is the only person who shows doubt, and she discusses her doubt both internally and with a Father that she has befriended. She doesn't know the will of God, and at times even doubts His existence. This is pretty awesome coming from someone with a supernatural stone stuck in her bellybutton. I loved her doubts because it made her a real character, and it also held up a mirror, so to speak, for my own beliefs to challenge me on them. (Again, there is religion in this book, so you're either okay with that or you're not.)

Book Review: The Green Rider by Kristin Britain

I just need to say first, even though no one reads this blog, that I really enjoyed this book. It was very good, well paced, and interesting. I loved it. I am, however, going to snark a bit on it and compare it to JRR Tolkien, but I do really like this book, and I got the second part of the series on my Kindle, I just haven't started reading it yet.

Okay, so, the main character is Karigan G'ladheon. No, seriously. That name...it seems familiar, doesn't it? Hmm...I don't know. Anyway, Karigan starts out the book on a journey, which I appreciated after reading about three hundred pages of Frodo wandering around the Shire, I was happy to pick up a book where the heroine is already on her way.

The author really made me happy with her pacing here, because I have read a few books (namely Twilight, but a few others) where the heroine is running away from whatever, and keep us in suspense for ages while she angsts about her decision. "Was she doing the right thing? Could she go through with it even though it was endangering everyone she loved? Le sigh!" Karigan keeps us in no suspense. She's running away from school because she got kicked out for having bad grades and beating up a young lordling. Mostly for the beating up a young lordling part. In her defense, he was asking for it. Rather than wait around for her father to come and collect her, Karigan instead decides to just set off for home, alone, without a horse, with very few provisions, and on foot. As you do.

Now, Karigan's reasons are pretty sound for doing this. She maybe should have left a note or told someone, but she's seventeen. Her reasons are that her dad is a merchant, and she doesn't want to take him away from his business while he goes to collect her because she doesn't want to lose him any money, and she's pretty sure she'll do that if he comes after her.

She's just about to turn on the road that will take her home when a Green Rider comes through the trees with two black arrows in his back. He forces her to promise, with his last breaths, to take his message to the king, and gives her everything he has on him for her protection. And now suddenly, Karigan is whisked into a world where magic is real, Eletians (sylvan elves) exist, and a mysterious gray-cloaked man is killing all of the green riders with two arrows to the back. The Green Rider, F'ryan Cobblebay (you can't make this stuff up), also leaves Karigan with his greatest assets; a gold pin that shows a winged horse, and a horse that can run like it's flying. The Horse, as Karigan calls him, quickly becomes my favorite character.

The descriptions, characterizations, and various adventures are really wonderful and very nearly distract from Karigan's meeting with the Tom Bombadil and Goldberry: two spinster sisters called (again, can't make this up) Bayberry and Bunchberry. There's also the Shelob part where a gigantic scorpion-like creature comes out of the woods of Mordor...er, Blackveil. Mornhavon the Black created Blackveil centuries ago in order to rule Sacoridia with dark magic, but the Sacoridians managed to construct a wall to keep him out, and his immortal spirit now dwells in the Blackveil forest. But The Grey Cloaked One (not to be confused with Saruman the White) decided to open the wall, and now creatures are getting out. There's some sort of brand of Orc that I think they called shadowmites, but I can't remember, that go around and fight people, so now that the D'Yer wall has been breached, they're getting out and causing havoc.

Bayberry and Bunchberry give Karigan a "moonstone", a stone that has a captured moonbeam in it, and it lights Karigan's way when she's feeling down, heals her when she's injured, and eventually helps defeat Saruman...er, The Grey One. I mean, I'm not saying that she's necessarily copying Galadriel catching the light of Earendil in a vial of water for Frodo, but come on. It's hard to not compare this book to Lord of the Rings.

Now, one of my biggest issues with LOTR was the pacing. I felt that Tolkien really needed an editor and badly, so I was happy when Karigan managed to deliver the missive to the king before the end of the book (took the One Ring to Mordor...), and I really did enjoy this book. If I had never read LOTR, I would have thought this author was a genius. I still think she's quite clever. She's nowhere near as clunky and contrived as that horrid rip-off, Eragon, but less maybe could have been more. When the giant scorpion came out, I was like, "And there's Shelob."

I think what made this author successful where other authors have failed is that firstly, Kristin Britain did not write a fanfiction. She made her own characters and gave them their own motivations, desires, backstories, and worlds. Even the Mean Evil Baddies have backstories, and I think most authors just go by tropes rather than plots and characters where we're supposed to hate the people they say to hate and like the people they say to like, but Britain gives us the greatest gift writing can give us: not only are the "bad" characters well developed, but in their own world, are "good" characters, rendering Karigan and her side "bad" if you look at the kingdom in the correct light. And the "bad" side, even though some people's motivations were less than pure, had a point. You see, when the old king died, he named his second son as the successor rather than the first. This is not done. Second sons don't get the throne unless the older son dies, that is the way of things. So really, the old king made his second son's life somewhat of a misery. There have been assassination attempts, uprisings, the anti-monarch society, etc. all because the line of succession was thrown out of whack. So taken that way, really, Karigan is in the wrong by serving the king. You see? And those that are trying to make the elder brother king are really in the right. This author does that. And it's brilliant.

I totally have to give this book an A. Even with the not-so-subtle homages to Tolkien, it was excellent and I'm looking forward to finally reading the second saga.

Oh--as a PS. There is no romance in this book. Karigan is a strong woman on her own. Yes.


Edit: I did a google search of "greenrider lotr" and found a lot of other people comparing the two. It's funny how we all have different ideas of who the Tom Bombadil was. One reviewer pointed out a woodsman who appears later on in the book for a brief time and seems to have lived a very long life. I agree that he was a more etheric spirit, but my reasons for thinking that Bayberry and Bunchberry were supposed to be Tom and Goldberry was simply because their showing up towards the beginning and giving Karigan some rest and help made me think of Tom. Someone also pointed out the gigantic eagle who came to Karigan's aid during the gigantic-scorpion-who-is-totally-not-Shelob incident, and I had sort of forgotten about him. In a way he reminded me of Radagast the Brown's eagles, but it's also hard to decide whether Britain was going for more general mythology or Tolkien mythology. Either way, it is a lot like LOTR, but it's also like some other fairy tales where eagles and other large "good" birds come and help. I mean, even CS Lewis had owls helping Eustace and Jill.

So, anyway, all that to say, there are a lot of people comparing the two, but I haven't read anyone who hasn't enjoyed the books so far. This book was seriously excellent, and I hope the second book is more able to stand on its own mythos and not borrow so very heavily from one of the most well-known fantasy books out there.

Another edit: in all fairness, I should point out that I know LOTR is based on The Volsunga Saga and also "Der Ring Des Niebelungenleid", an ancient story told from both the Swedish and German perspectives, (and it's so great because The Volsunga Saga makes Brunnhildr out to be the scorned woman whilst Der Ringe Des Niebelungenleid makes Krimhildt out to be the sympathetic character who is being used as a puppet in her brother's machinations. When you realize that both are contemperaneous, it will blow your mind.) There's a reforging of a father's sword, a cursed ring, two women in love with the same man...er...and that's pretty much it story-wise. Tolkien admitted to borroing heavily from Teutonic mythos, and it's not surprising that his world was called "middle earth" (Midgard), and that there were elves and dwarves...the elves even believe that their kind is waiting in The Halls of Mandos to be reborn, sort of like the slain warriors wait in Valhalla for Ragnarok. Heck, Gandalf's appearance very closely resembles the way Odin cloaks himself when he walks among humans. It really is an excellent representation of how to take existing mythos and make it your own. Likewise, Lois McMaster Bujold will take known historical events and create her own world around them in the same way that George RR Martin is using The War of the Roses to write his Game of Thrones saga. It's sort of like how two families can live in two exact copies of a house, and yet they both look completely different inside.

Book Review: Branded by Taylor Keary

Branded is the first book in a series on angels, and since Ethereal was about Nephilim, I felt this was a good second book to review.

Branded is nothing like Ethereal. Ethereal has its roots firmly in The Big Three religions--Muslims, Christians and Jews will recognize a good deal of the ideology behind Ethereal, but none of us will really embrace Branded as its depictions of angels and the afterlife do not link in with any of the Big three. Branded follows a more karmic ideology. Angels were once people, and now stand in judgement of people. Judgement weighs your good deeds with your bad deeds. In the end, you are either exalted or condemned. In the Torah and Bible (I'm also assuming in the Koran, but I've never read it, so...) it is clear that angels and humans are different species, and that angels do not judge, but YHWH is the only judge. I only bring this up because there are some things that this godless system leaves out that The Big Three all have in common, such as sanctification, forgiveness of sins, and a righteous judge who does not think like a man. I feel that if an author is writing a mythos that goes directly against thousands of years of religious text that spans across at least three religions, the author is obligated to explain their mythos. I mean, Tolkien did it for crying out loud, you'd think anyone else would have no difficulty. One of my favorite authors, Lois McMaster-Bujold always explains her mythos to the reader, the gods involved, the beliefs of the people. It makes for a well-rounded book that is enjoyable and deep.

That being said, I really enjoyed Branded. It was a page-turner, and it was a very unique book, something that you just don't find everywhere. It was a bit predictable, and it had the obligatory heroine who absolutely cannot live without the guy she falls in love with, and they can't have sex for whatever reason (and this continues in the second book to the frustration of all because it's never explained why they're not having sex. Again, an explanation of the mythos we're following here would really help, because I don't really see premarital sex pinging high on the radar where Karma is involved.), but it also has a lot of other stuff that is very good.

Jessica has dreams whenever she sleeps that she is standing in place of someone about to be judged. No one has ever believed Jessica, despite the fact that there is an X branded on her neck, and she has wings etched into her back. Apparently this started when she was five, so I'm kind of curious as to why her parents never believed her. I know you can get body modifications younger than 18, but I've never heard of a tattoo parlor shady enough to do branding on a five-year-old.

Finally, Jessica meets Alex who is wonderful and beautiful and perfect and everything she'd hoped he'd be, and she tells him about the dreams. He doesn't say if he believes her or not, but he tries to be understanding. Alex is also fabulously wealthy because of course he is. He also has a lot of restraint where his sex organs are concerned and never has sex with Jessica no matter how much they love each other because they're trying to be "good." Good how? Good...in a Karmic way? Good because the religious texts of the Big Three expect you to abstain (if you're a woman)? It doesn't make sense.

There's another guy who wants Jessica, and he has dark hair and dark eyes and looks a whole heck of a lot like the angels who judge Jessica every time she sleeps, only she never puts two-and-two together, and I just have to stop here and remind everyone how much I really dislike the fact that the "good" boyfriend in YA fiction is always the one who is closer to exhibiting all of the proper traits that Hitler expected from his Jungen, whereas the "bad" boyfriend is always dark. What does this say about our society? In the wake of the horrible tweets about Rue and Cinna in The Hunger Games being portrayed by African-American actors even though Rue is supposed to be dark-skinned and all Cinna is ever described as is having hazel eyes (Lenny Kravitz) and close-cropped brown hair (Lenny Kravitz), this is really worrying to me. If anything, in this day and age, YA fiction should be more inclusive to GLBT, and all races, and I feel that they have an obligation to portray these things in a positive light. I'm not saying I think this author is a bad person or that she did a bad job, I'm just saying that like a lot of other people, she is equating good Aryan looks with goodness and dark, un-WASPish looks with violence and negativity. She has a chance as an author to make a difference with these prejudices and preconceived notions, and I do applaud that in the second book, a dark-skinned man falls for a light-skinned woman, but she's been in an abusive relationship that she just skips out of without any last effects, so that's another rant.

Anyway, the other guy is clearly a "condemned" angel (they all get dark eyes, whereas the exalted angels get blue eyes...I mean, it's getting ridiculous here.)

Left: What you think Jesus looked like. Right: What Jesus more than likely actually looked like. Also, Hello Oded Fehr. Where have you been all my blog?

So, you know how it will end, with Alex and Jessica together and Evil!Angel Cole vanquished back to "hell", but the best part of this book is really that it's not what you think it is. You will never guess where it's going...I mean it when I say it was a page-turner.

The second book, Forsaken, was not nearly as good, but it was still riveting. Overall, I give this book a B+.

Book Review: Ethereal by Addison Moore

One of the biggest arguments against YA fiction is that the characters are so very stupid. While reading Ethereal, I realized that they aren't stupid. No. They're teenagers. Case in point, Skyla, the main character in this book, is told by a ghost to stay away from a certain boy that Skyla, at the age of sixteen, has already fallen madly in love with. Skyla decides that the ghost is just jealous because when the ghost was a person, she and this perfect paragon of teenagerhood used to date and the fact that this former girlfriend (Chloe) is dead now is in no way a warning for Skyla. I should also mention that Chloe was murdered. Just so you know.

All right, so the story. Skyla is a Nephilim, or angel-human hybrid. These things exist in the Bible. They are the main reason why Noah's Ark happened. They are not a good thing, except in this story they are. Well, they are except for the fact that they tend to die young. In the Bible, Nephilim were fearsome giants with great capacity to commit evil deeds. Their fathers were fallen angels, mothers willing participants in hubris. In some areas of Jewish mythos (not main-stream Judaism, think more Gnostic), even after the flood, Nephilim continued to populate the earth and do great and terrible deeds. Goliath is purportedly (in some areas) a Nephilim. The lore concludes that the Nephilim were incited to war against each other by Gabriel (God instructed him to start the fire) and were eventually killed off by each other. None of this is mentioned in the book. There is mention of factionalism and that there are certain sorts who are more friendly, and one sort that's like a New Jersey crime syndicate (they may actually be a New Jersey crime syndicate) and they exact revenge, kidnappings, executions, etc. in the name of their faction.

Skyla is naturally of the most rare order, Celestra, and she is somehow pure-blood even though that would mean that both her mother and father were Celestrae, and her mother doesn't appear to be anything other than human. Skyla also has a younger sister who is perfectly normal. I have only read the first book, but I'm wondering if Skyla was maybe the product of her father and someone else? Her mom really does love her, though.

Skyla has a creepy stepfather, a horrid stepbrother (who is actually kind of cool, though I don't know if the author meant for anyone to like him) and a stepsister. She is the same age as her stepbrother, and her younger sister is the same age as the stepsister. The mom thinks it's great, but I think it's odd. Skyla does, too. They all move to a small island in Washington State (how close is it to Forks?) and move into the late-great Chloe's house. Skyla gets her room, her next-door bestie, her boyfriend, her boyfriend's cousin, and pretty much everything else Chloe had. It's at this time that Chloe reaches out to Skyla and tries to warn her to steer clear of Logan, but Skyla's all, "u jus jellus hor." Chloe's all, "Pearls, swine, no thanks." and leaves Skyla alone.

Of course there's a hugely unequal relationship between Skyla and her boyfriend Logan, who is also a Celestra (quelle coincidence). He knows everything there is to know about being an angel-on-earth, but he won't tell everything to Skyla for her own good. I'm sorry, but I've spent a little too long reading YA paranormal fiction, and I know that any time a boy does something for the good of his girlfriend/stalker obsession, it always ends badly. The worst part is that Logan's aunt and uncle (his parents were killed after he was born. For being Celestras.) are both angels, and even though a normal adult would be like, "This girl knows nothing of our ways, let us teach her!" the adults in YA fiction have a curse that forces them to be as completely ineffectual as possible in any given situation.

Skyla's stepfather is also typecast as The Worst Sort Of Stepfather Short Of Being A Pedophile Rapist. He thinks that Skyla is using drugs and having sex even though it's his son who does those things. He thinks Skyla is unhinged and dangerous, and when she thinks she's being attacked by someone and stabs them in the stomach with a pair of scissors while her best friend cowers under the covers during a sleepover, Tad The Stepdad has Skyla put into a mental health facility because stabbing a guy who doesn't answer when you repeatedly ask, "Who's there? Who are you?" isn't a normal reaction to him. To Skyla's credit, she never answers his accusations with cross-accusations about his son, but she does scream and yell at him. In her defense, he's an idiot.

I liked the book all right, though I'm not sure if I want to buy any other books. It really sort of drove me crazy, especially the stuff with the parents. I can kind of see that she's displaying somewhat erratic behavior and that it's worrying to her parents, but there's a huge jump between "erratic" and "we must incarcerate her." At the same time, I am curious to know more. I just don't know if I can slog through another book. I may give it a try, though. All over, I'd give it a C+/B-

Breaking Dawn Book Review: Abortion is not a Democracy

If you don't know that Breaking Dawn is the last book of the Twilight saga, then congratulations. You sort of win at life.

Like all of the Twilight books, BD centers around Bella, her perfect, super-human, absolutely wonderful, god-like boyfriend Edward and his incredible, amazing, perfect, beautiful family. In BD, however, Bella and Edward finally get married and get to have sparkley sex. Yay! Or...ew?

The book opens with Alice, Edward's pixie-like fashionista sister planning Bella's wedding. To the last minim. Because it's not like Bella has a mom who'd probably like to be involved with the wedding planning. No, everyone is kept in the dark, and Bella even has to undergo her dress fittings while her eyes are closed so she can be completely surprised on her wedding day. You know, as brides are wont to do. What bride wants to be bogged down with all that planning, anyway? It's so much work.

We learn that Charlie, Bella's human, fallible, somewhat stupid (in her opinion) father who can't possibly measure up to the Cullens, is still unhappy about the marriage but determined to see it through because he loves Bella. I grew up with a father who looked at my life as the exact same as his life with no distinctions between the two, and who would not hesitate to make the world's most gigantic stink if I ever married in a way that he disaproved of, so I sort of hate Bella for the way she treats her dad. She never looks at her relationship with Edward through her father's eyes. I mean, she ended up in the hospital for days after Edward lied about her "falling down the stairs." Charlie is a police chief. There have to be some domestic abuse situations going on in his town. He has to have heard the "fell down the stairs" excuse a hundred times. And let's not even get into New Moon when Bella's break-up caused her to go practically catatonic with depression. Bella has a dad who cares, and she doesn't care, and I could just scratch her eyes out for it.

Bella also complains about the car Edward bought for her. Because teenaged girls just hate when their boyfriends buy cars for them. It's too flashy, too visible. It's a testament to Bella's human fallibility, a monument to her weakness, her smallness, her mortality. Bella finds the car annoying for these reasons, and yet she overlooks her boyfriend's controlling ways because she's in lurve with him and they're perfect for each other and she can't live without him. These are not reasons to get married. They are reasons to seek counselling.

After the wedding, which is huge and lavish and fablablablah...

Look, I'm going to be honest: if I decide to get married (rather than moving to Spain and taking a string of international lovers, that is), I will admit that I won't care much about the ceremony and that I am like Bella in that regard (please, God, let me find a guy who wants a TARDIS chuppah!). I would probably either have a very small ceremony with just the necessary friends and family, or elope at the Star Trek Adventure. But that doesn't mean, if I had to have a huge wedding because of other reasons (maybe I'm going to marry a Public Figure? LOL) ,that I wouldn't have opinions about it, or want to see my own tastes implemented. Bella has no opinion. This is because Bella has no interests outside of Edward. Her wedding ends up being photogenic and perfect with everyone and everything in the exact right place at the exact right time. The wedding is every bit as boring as Bella and Edward, and they were in exactly zero control of any of it.

Anyway, then they move onto their honeymoon in South America, and that's where things get interesting. I mean, Alice packed tampons for Bella (Alice packed the honeymoon clothes, too. Because there's no reason in Helheim that Bella would want a comfy pair of jeans and a baggy sweater or T-shirt. No, just lingerie.), but apparently forgot to pack condoms for Edward because Bells gets knocked up.

Now, the entire series, Bella has been in mortal danger of the universe imploding on her at any second, and the only person who is qualified to save her is Edward. We are told throughout the entire series that Bella is ineffectual, stupid, weak, clumsy, unattractive, and just all-around not a good human being. But Bella figures out that she's preggy and she is the one who steps up to the plate while Edward has some crazy existential crisis. He moans about how he's a monster and he's sullied his sweet Bella and he's ruined their lives and oh, oh, ohhhhhh....life is just going to end! It's just going to be horrid! Help!

Bella in the meantime, is bonding with her baby. Her "nudger" as she calls it (come on, that's adorkable). It nudges her because it's growing at an alarming rate and she can already feel it. She is also calling the Cullens in order to make arrangements for going home, packing, and basically keeping her shit together. Looking back on the series, this is how Bella has always been. All of the stuff that Edward has done to keep Bella "safe" ends up backfiring on him (like going to Phoenix in T, or breaking up in NM, or the huge fight in E...), but Bella always manages to be strong and pull herself through. But Edward is always lauded as the saviour...

I don't know, all I can say is that SMeyers' is messed up and it comes out in her writing.

Anyway, they go home and the POV switches from Bella to Jacob because Bella is gestating CullenSpawn, and said spawn is killing her from the inside out.

So, here is the worst part for me. The absolute worst part. Jacob and Edward communally decide that Bella needs an abortion. Because abortion is a democracy. If you get pregnant, there will be a panel to decide if you can keep the baby.

I know there are pro-aborters who would totally try to talk Bella into having an abortion no matter what, and that there are anti-aborters who would talk Bella into having the baby no matter what, but neither group would be right. This is Bella's choice. She's not some unwed mother in the 1950's whose parents have the state-sanctioned right to 'send her away' for a year. She's a married woman. It is her life at stake and no one else's, therefore it is her decision to make. She knows that she can die, but her baby's life is more important than her own to her. I can't tell her she's wrong. But Edward will try. And he gets Jacob on his side.

"I would even let her have puppies," Edward says to Jacob, indicating that he'd 'share' Bella with Jacob because IVF does not exist in the Cullenverse. Jacob imagines a world where he 'gets' Bella on the weekends and Edward 'gets' her the rest of the week. Because women don't care who they have sex with apparently. Also, women are property to be lent out at the will of the owner.

I just...I can't with this woman.

The thing is, if Edward had just done as Bella had asked at the beginning (you know, taken her feelings and desires into account rather than just his own) and turned her into a vampire before all of this, Bella never would have gotten pregnant and they could have shagged happliy ever after. Edward's refusal to listen to Bella's wants and needs caused this issue in the first place. This relationship is so destructive and selfish that it's layered like a really stinky, rotten onion.

I like Jacob's reactions to stuff, and I even sort of like that Edward can read his thoughts. These two really have a much better, more equal relationship (at this point, but that will all change) and are totally better suited to each other than Bella and Edward. Jacob would never put up with Edward's navel-gazing, and Edward would never feel superior to Jacob for being bigger and stronger, and therefore his ego would be tempered. But alas! When you are a Mormon writer banging out a Mormon allegory, there can be no Ho!Yay! in Mormon territory. Not even Bromance. Edward and Jacob must be rivals or that would just be too gay.

Anyway, end of the second part, and I'll save the rest for later.