My Kindle must have been pushing this book at me for weeks. First, it was advertised as "Coming Soon," and then it was "here!" and I kept ignoring it because ever since I downloaded both Breaking Dawn and the Fifty Shades trilogy, my Amazon recommendations have read like a Harlequin Romance gone very, very wrong. I'm talking love triangles a-plenty, minimal characterizations, heroines who are practically comatose, and lots of vampires.
To try and even things out, I downloaded several adult fantasies and it seems to have worked. But Flowertown I actually purchased as an accident. I clicked on the advertisement and read what it was about. I wanted to download a sample and I ended up with the whole book.
I could have hit the "purchased in error" button, but I didn't. For one thing, the description seemed really interesting, and for another, it appeared to be about zombies. I'm all for a good zombie book.
No, this book isn't actually about zombies. But it's good anyway. Oh MY is it good!
There's a huge difference between allowing a story to unfold and watching grass grow. Some stories that start out slowly highly resemble watching grass grow. This story unfolds beautifully. And it has to. You have to have the background, you need to know and understand the characters that you're dealing with. Since it's more character-driven than anything else, the foundation is necessary.
You meet Ellie in painstaking detail. She's a slob. She has no issues with wearing clothes that are three or even five weeks old. She likes to be stoned. All the time. She lives in Flowertown, and as soon as you know what Flowertown is, those other things about her all make sense. Sure, she's the person at work who shows up, goes on eight breaks and a four-hour lunch every day, draws her paycheck, calls in sick every chance she gets, and doesn't contribute to any part of the office through either work or morale. She's the black hole. She's the one you roll your eyes over and whisper about when she leaves for her ninth smoke break of the morning and it's only 10 o'clock.
But here's the kicker: Ellie isn't working in your office. She's in a secure quarantine facility that spans seven square miles in the middle of Nowheresville Iowa. She's not supposed to be there. She was only visiting her boyfriend's parents while she was on her way to another country, and then the chemical spill happened, her boyfriend died, and she's just stuck there. She's not THE stoner-slacker at work. She's A stoner-slacker at work with a whole bunch of other stoner-slackers who also managed to pull the short string of Fate in this scenario.
As the book progresses, we find out more about the chemical spill and the pharmaceutical company that designed it (it was a pesticide), and what they're doing to counteract the toxins. In the meantime, everyone's been stuck in one place for seven years, seeing the same faces day in and day out, no change of routine, no reason to not get stoned and slack off, no real reason to shower every day and wash your clothes and care.
If you suggested that Ellie might be clinically depressed, I think you'd be right.
So, I was along for the ride because I was pretty sure that I had this all figured out, and in a lot of ways, I did. I'm the annoying person who sits down to watch a movie and says, "Bruce Willis is really dead," or, "Kevin Spacey is Kaiser Soze." I mean, there are only a few stories out there, so when you tell one, you have to make it your own. I think Redling made this story hers.
Ellie is a real person. You maybe even know her. She's driven and ambitious, but take away her dreams and she's left with nothing to strive for. She has a best friend, Bing, and a roommate, Rachel. Bing supplies Ellie with her pot. Rachel supplies Ellie with someone to care for. Rachel was just a teenager when the spill happened, so Ellie is a slightly maternal, very big-sister to her. Bing is a conspiracy theorist, though his conspiracies never really entail the pharma company keeping them all there in the middle of nowhere to use as human guinea pigs, which I found lacking (could it be a plothole, or foreshadowing? Both? Maybe!). Things start getting crazy when Bing starts looking less right-wing nutjob and more right. It's not paranoia if you're right, right?
Throughout the town, people keep using the expression "All You Want" and it keeps appearing on things, like trucks and newspapers.
Things begin to unravel, and as Ellie's life starts getting worse, she finds herself fighting against the unfairness of it harder and harder until she finds the house of cards that can send it all tumbling.
It really is a great story. I'm glad I bought it, and I'm glad I didn't delete it when I could have.
Showing posts with label book review. Show all posts
Showing posts with label book review. Show all posts
Monday, October 15, 2012
Friday, August 31, 2012
Good Romance Novel Review: No True Gentleman by Liz Carlyle
So, I have more Fifty Shades to throw shade at (see what I did there?), but all of this negativity is getting me down. So is abuse, victim blaming and slut shaming. So, I wanted to review a book that's really good. And I've read a few that are really good lately. But...why go for a new book when you can go to an old, loved, wonderful book? A book that makes you feel good and warm and sexy, like that old pair of jeans that you'll never get rid of.
That book for me is No True Gentleman by Liz Carlyle, and it features one of my favorite literary couples since Emma and Mr. Knightly.
Max and Catherine are to Ana and Christian what hawks are to handsaws. Catherine is intelligent, funny, interesting, lively, self assured, confident, sexy, and not willing to take crap from anyone. Especially not from Max. She has a huge, closely-knit family, lots of friends, and wonder of wonders, she's a widow who not only is not a virgin, but she's no stranger to orgasms, either. In the literary world, this is a huge anomaly. Heroines are almost always virginal, even if they've been married, and the hero is the first one to teach them how to orgasm. You get the impression that Catherine figured it out on her own.
Max is also not a typical romance novel hero. He's got a lot of demons, but they make him complicated rather than just making him a man-whore. He's actually not a man-whore, which is completely unheard of in romance novels. He also has a network of friends (though he's reluctantly good friends with them...more on that later) and he has a good family connection with his family that is still alive. Yeah, he's sort of a woobie, but he's just enough of one. Just like how Catherine manages to not be too independent and aloof, Max manages to not be too broken over the deaths of his parents and the loss of his family home, name and title.
At the beginning of the book, Catherine and Max spy each other in Hyde Park, where Catherine runs her horse early in the morning. Max is looking into some sort of police investigator looking into corruption. There will be a murder to solve, but let's not look at that. Catherine actually has a conversation with her aunt--her late husband's aunt, mind--and Auntie suggests Catherine find herself a lover. Catherine's like, "Yeah, I was thinking the same thing." After reading so many romances where heroines are practically raped because they are so reluctant about sex (but then really enthusiastic about it, but only with the hero), this was a hugely wonderful change of pace. I don't know why so many romance novelists are prudes who think that sex should only happen between a woman and one man (and him and every other woman in the world), but it so often works like that. Carlyle's like, "Yeah, my couple likes sex. Deal with it."
So, one of Max's "friends" Cecilia Delacourt who featured in her own book (as a virgin widow, boo, Carlyle) makes him take on the investigation of her sister-in-law's murder. Her brother is the main suspect, but no one really thinks he could have done it. Catherine likes Cecilia, although most people do (she's sort of that Elle Woods/Cher Horrowitz airhead blonde who's smarter than she looks and acts), so she starts getting involved too. Max thinks this is a bad idea, mostly because he's actually a good cop and doesn't want civilians involved. But it's a romance novel, so of course Catherine gets involved.
I've mentioned that the murder plot really doesn't matter, and it doesn't. It's all the interraction between the people that really matter. In fact, we first met Max in A Woman of Virtue by the same author, and we all fell in love with not only Cecilia but also Lord Delacourt, the guy who just wanted to wear his ravensblood waistcoat although his valet wouldn't let him, so the continuation of characters is really what I was looking for. And I totally wasn't disappointed that we got to know more about Max and his reluctant ways of entering friendship.
The last person I want to hit on is George Jacob Kemble (his name is my name too), who played Lord Delacourt's valet in A Woman of Virtue (and said that Delacourt was too pale to wear that red waistcoat, though it looked great on Max), who is gay, but not in that really annoying way that writers seem to be doing nowadays where he's just flapping and lisping in such a way that even Carson Kressley would say was too much. Instead, he's also a really interesting character who knows his way around a fist fight, but is too fastidious to allow blood to stain his cuffs. As with her other characters, Carlyle manages a balance between this and that to make him an excellent character and completely not overdone.
I can't say enough about this book. It's good, and the sex is hot, unlike a certian Fifty Shades I can think of. In fact, I wish there was more sex, but ah well. What we get is great.
Two enthusiastic thumbs up.
That book for me is No True Gentleman by Liz Carlyle, and it features one of my favorite literary couples since Emma and Mr. Knightly.
Max and Catherine are to Ana and Christian what hawks are to handsaws. Catherine is intelligent, funny, interesting, lively, self assured, confident, sexy, and not willing to take crap from anyone. Especially not from Max. She has a huge, closely-knit family, lots of friends, and wonder of wonders, she's a widow who not only is not a virgin, but she's no stranger to orgasms, either. In the literary world, this is a huge anomaly. Heroines are almost always virginal, even if they've been married, and the hero is the first one to teach them how to orgasm. You get the impression that Catherine figured it out on her own.
Max is also not a typical romance novel hero. He's got a lot of demons, but they make him complicated rather than just making him a man-whore. He's actually not a man-whore, which is completely unheard of in romance novels. He also has a network of friends (though he's reluctantly good friends with them...more on that later) and he has a good family connection with his family that is still alive. Yeah, he's sort of a woobie, but he's just enough of one. Just like how Catherine manages to not be too independent and aloof, Max manages to not be too broken over the deaths of his parents and the loss of his family home, name and title.
At the beginning of the book, Catherine and Max spy each other in Hyde Park, where Catherine runs her horse early in the morning. Max is looking into some sort of police investigator looking into corruption. There will be a murder to solve, but let's not look at that. Catherine actually has a conversation with her aunt--her late husband's aunt, mind--and Auntie suggests Catherine find herself a lover. Catherine's like, "Yeah, I was thinking the same thing." After reading so many romances where heroines are practically raped because they are so reluctant about sex (but then really enthusiastic about it, but only with the hero), this was a hugely wonderful change of pace. I don't know why so many romance novelists are prudes who think that sex should only happen between a woman and one man (and him and every other woman in the world), but it so often works like that. Carlyle's like, "Yeah, my couple likes sex. Deal with it."
So, one of Max's "friends" Cecilia Delacourt who featured in her own book (as a virgin widow, boo, Carlyle) makes him take on the investigation of her sister-in-law's murder. Her brother is the main suspect, but no one really thinks he could have done it. Catherine likes Cecilia, although most people do (she's sort of that Elle Woods/Cher Horrowitz airhead blonde who's smarter than she looks and acts), so she starts getting involved too. Max thinks this is a bad idea, mostly because he's actually a good cop and doesn't want civilians involved. But it's a romance novel, so of course Catherine gets involved.
I've mentioned that the murder plot really doesn't matter, and it doesn't. It's all the interraction between the people that really matter. In fact, we first met Max in A Woman of Virtue by the same author, and we all fell in love with not only Cecilia but also Lord Delacourt, the guy who just wanted to wear his ravensblood waistcoat although his valet wouldn't let him, so the continuation of characters is really what I was looking for. And I totally wasn't disappointed that we got to know more about Max and his reluctant ways of entering friendship.
The last person I want to hit on is George Jacob Kemble (his name is my name too), who played Lord Delacourt's valet in A Woman of Virtue (and said that Delacourt was too pale to wear that red waistcoat, though it looked great on Max), who is gay, but not in that really annoying way that writers seem to be doing nowadays where he's just flapping and lisping in such a way that even Carson Kressley would say was too much. Instead, he's also a really interesting character who knows his way around a fist fight, but is too fastidious to allow blood to stain his cuffs. As with her other characters, Carlyle manages a balance between this and that to make him an excellent character and completely not overdone.
I can't say enough about this book. It's good, and the sex is hot, unlike a certian Fifty Shades I can think of. In fact, I wish there was more sex, but ah well. What we get is great.
Two enthusiastic thumbs up.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Chapter-by-Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades of Grey: chapters 11-13
Chapter Eleven
Ana is reading through the contract, and it’s sort of repetitious because some of it was discussed in previous chapters, particularly with regards to how Ana will look, dress, eat, and exercise. I found it to be boring, but this is the sort of thing that fanfiction readers eat up with a spoon and extra sprinkles. But in a book, it’s boring. Really boring.
Ana gets really freaked out about the contract, particularly when stuff like “anal” and “fisting” are mentioned. Note from the future: you will never have to worry about these things, Ana. The kinkiest thing you will do in these books is the reverse-cowgirl, and I don’t think that’s even particularly kinky. (Is it? I mean…I don’t know what other people do, but I’ve never heard a guy say, “Wait, wait, let’s stop this rodeo. I’m a missionary man!”) Her biggest problem with the contract is the actual submissive part: not being able to touch Christian, not being able to look him in the eye or speak without being spoken to. From what I know of BDSM, and we’ve established that it’s not much, these things are pretty normal. I was actually surprised that there was nothing in the contract about Ana needing to wash Christian, wake him, help him dress and shave and whatnot. I just can’t say enough that he does not want a BDSM relationship, but he wants kink and he wants to do it in a D/s way. I just think the distinction is enough that it warrants addressing.
So, Christian wants Ana to research how to be a sub, and he gets appalled at the thought of her using Kate’s computer, so he has a MacBook Pro sent to her, complete with a tech to set it up and show her how to use it. This part really was odd. How did she get through college without a computer of her own? My computer is over four years old and the battery is completely shot, plus it gets hot enough to boil water on after it’s been running for about ten minutes, but it was cheap and it works. If Ana’s dad bought her a car, he can buy her a computer. For what she needs, she can get one for only a couple hundred. Sheesh.
Ana already has an e-mail from Christian, and they end up sending each other really cutesy exchanges and I want to throw up because I really don’t want to see or read any of that. None of the smileys or the cutesy titles Christian gives himself or any of it.
Ana goes out with José, and it actually doesn’t end badly. They manage to clear the air a bit and I kept expecting Christian to walk in on them and start being an ass, but it doesn’t happen, so props, Author.
Back at home, Ana e-mails more with Christian, and it’s sad because she obviously wants a normal relationship with a normal guy, and he’s who she’s set her heart on. Love is not only blind, but in the middle of nowhere and left for dead. Christian keeps telling Ana to research, which she does, and then she gets all freaked out about the BDSM lifestyle and again, Christian is into kink, not BDSM but it doesn’t matter because Ana wouldn’t know the difference between the two with a type-written list.
Chapter Twelve
Ana goes for a jog to clear her head and then goes home and writes to Christian: “I’ve seen enough, nice knowing you.” SOMEHOW, this is supposed to be a joke. How it’s funny is your guess as well as mine. Is this a Twihard thing like the lip biting? How is this a joke? Where does she put something suitably ironic in order to indicate it’s a joke?
Unsurprisingly, or completely surprisingly since this is bat-shit territory, Christian shows up at Ana’s house instead of just accepting defeat and realizing that it’s over Ana’s head. This makes no sense. He also starts in on Ana for biting her lip and I roll my eyes because it’s her body and she’s allowed to chew on any part of it she wishes, regardless of your feelings on the matter. This? This is what makes him abusive. Also, did he get the joke? Did he know it was a joke? Is it a pop-culture reference that I don’t know about? Or is he just trying to seduce her into getting what he wants? This is the definition of “dub-con” or “dubious consent”, by the way. It’s especially potent since he didn’t think it was a joke (because it’s not?) and really did head over to Ana’s house to seduce her into a different mind frame. This is twisted. Really wrong. This guy needs major psychiatric help, and he needs to stay away from other people because he’s a psychopath and he doesn’t understand empathy or the concept of personal space.
After Christian leaves, Ana starts feeling used, like a receptacle for his sexual energy. This is good because it’s pretty much the truth. Of course, instead of telling him she feels this way, she cries on Kate’s shoulder, and Kate says that he has ‘commitment issues’ which is like saying that the sea is salty.
Ana e-mails Christian in detail about her issues regarding the contract and some of the language, but never addresses the larger issue about how this does not feel like a relationship to her, at least not an equitable one where both partners discuss their innermost feelings and are validated and reassured by each other. Christian promises to talk more on their date, which seems like bullocks since his idea of communication is to have sex.
Chapter Thirteen
Ana finds out that her mom can’t go to her graduation because Ana’s stepfather has fallen down and he can’t get up. I get that Mom has to take care of StepDad and all, but this is her daughter’s graduation. Get a nurse or a friend or something and stay for only long enough to see the graduation. I understand that it’s hard to go from Georgia to Seattle as my family lives in North Carolina and I’m in California, but you can bet my mom dragged her ass across country to see my brother graduate from college, and he was thirty-five when he graduated. This is family. Ana of course says it doesn’t bother her. Why? Because saying it bothers her would be a character flaw? I don’t understand why Ana can’t be let down about her mom. Supposedly they love each other. This is one more odd part of this story. I feel that Ana is detached from her parents, which I guess is typical YA territory, but this is not a YA novel. She’s twenty-two years old, and she is celebrating a major life event. She can be disappointed that her mom won’t be there. But all she can think about is Christian.
After that, Ana calls Ray, the one parent who will be in attendance for her graduation, only Ray’s like, “Yo, there’s a baseball game about to start so I can’t talk long.” The fact that he’ll be there, though, speaks volumes about his relationship with Ana.
Christian e-mails Ana about when he’ll pick her up, and she’s like, “I’ll drive” and he gets upset and pouty because he even has to control her mode of transportation. He e-mails the definition of “Submissive” to Ana who counters with the definition of “Compromise.” The bottom line is that Ana is a little uncomfortable around Christian right now because of this stupid contract, and she wants her car around so she can get away without him next to her, trying to seduce her or coerce her into doing something she’s uncomfortable with.
So, Kate gives Ana a couple of dresses, and she puts on one for the date as well as matching stilettos, and for someone who can’t walk across the street without getting run over by a bike, let me say that this is a really stupid idea. I get that her “flaw” is supposed to be clumsiness, but the alacrity with which the author has abandoned this one flaw gives me whiplash. Ana is, of course, fine in her heels.
Ana tells Christian that the contract isn’t binding, but he counters that it’s good to have everything up front and on the table before they begin, and that he won’t prosecute her if she breaches. No, he’ll just stalk her to death.
I have this in my notes: “It’s not like these two aren’t going to end up together.”
This is the thing: if this were a book series about a virgin exploring the world of sex, and if the books were all about her trying different things with different partners, then I’d wonder who she’s going to end up with. But there’s no suspense here. It’s like the current generation watching Star Wars. If they start with the prequels, then they will be completely unsurprised when Darth Vader ends up as Luke’s father. That is this book in a nutshell. You already know they’re going to get married and make babies ever after. They have to. That is this book. All of this suspense is unnecessary and a little boring.
Anyway, moving on. So, Christian wants Ana to be honest with him, which is so stupid considering the fact that any time she has expressed any modicum of having her own opinions or feelings, he brushes her off and dismisses her boundaries and personal space. Case in point, he gets all over Ana about whether or not she’s eaten, again. Since it seems that Ana doesn’t eat when she’s nervous or upset, it’s no surprise that she hasn’t eaten, but he still gets all over her about it. Also, he asks if she wants to stay in the common room or go to a private room. She says she wants to be in public, but he’s already booked a private room, so no go Ana. The question is completely moot. Why did he ask her opinion when he had already made up their mind what they were going to do? I really hate it when people do that. It’s not fair and it isn’t kind. Also, he’s already ordered for her, including oysters. As a person with severe food allergies, I balk at his incessant obsession over food and his forcing it on Ana.
Okay, Christian starts going over the contract piece by piece, outlining Ana’s issues with what it says. He assures her that he is not HIV positive, nor does he do drugs. He actually goes into his company’s anti-drug policies and mentions random drug testing and Ana’s like, “He’s such a control freak!” Well, get used to it sweetheart, but in this case, he is perfectly within his rights, and few companies don’t issue random drug tests or have strict anti-drug policies. It’s like she nitpicks all the unimportant stuff, but lets his constant, persistent and pathological need to dominate her entirely slide by the wayside. It makes no sense!
Christian says he wants to try their relationship for three months, and Ana starts feeling railroaded. Finally. How long did this take you, Ana?
I have this in my notes: “I can’t believe how boring this is. Ana finally admits she trusts him. Thank God. Can we find the plot now? “
Sorry, self. This is me from the future. There will be no plot. Not ever. Not even with painfully transparent attempts to create drama will there be a plot. This fanfiction is labeled “PWP?”
So then we get to this: Ana is asking why she can’t touch Christian, and she thinks Mrs. Robinson had something to do with it. He says,
Yes. Exactly. He wants you to do things that he would never do himself. He expects of you that which he would never give to you. This is the relationship you want. This is the relationship millions of women want. No wonder men hate us. I’m starting to hate us. This is the type of guy who ‘nice guys’ rail against when they’re trying to ask a girl out.
[You know Nice Guy Syndrome, right? The guys who think all women want Bad Boys who will break their heart? The reason I would find Christian more attractive than a Nice Guy is simply because he knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to say so. The fact that he isn’t interested in what Ana wants and doesn’t care what she has to say is what turns me off to him. But between the two, yes I’d go with Christian Grey. This isn’t saying much.]
Ana brings up his no masturbation clause and he’s like, “I want all of your pleasure.” Sorry, Christian. Until you figure out the Vulcan Mind Meld, all of her pleasure is her own. You can be there to witness it, but she’s the one who feels it. Ana accuses him of using sex as a weapon when he threatens to “fuck” her in the dining room just because he can, and he has the good sense to not deny it. He also brings up how if she were his sub, she wouldn’t have to think about anything anymore, just go along with him. That’s a really great prospect, Christian. Every girl dreams of a guy telling her he’d like to not be able to distinguish between her and a lobotomy victim.
Ana says she feels like she’s playing a game where “[Christian is] the only one who knows and understands the rules.” This is pretty much the definition of an abusive person. Their rules are arbitrary, and what is true today may be false tomorrow, and they change all the time. This is so that Christian can “punish” Ana for not doing what he tells her to do. That is the bottom line.
Thankfully, Ana decides to leave before Christian can seduce and use her again, and she starts wondering if this is the last time she’ll see him, blah blah blah. Look, again, if there were any suspense, I would be on the edge of my chair (not really), but there is no suspense. They are going to get together. I don’t understand this sort of foreplay. Surely the author could have found some other avenue? At this point, it feels like a child’s game of pretend. “Let’s pretend that Christian and Ana won’t get together at some point in the future, okay?”
And now we get to Ana’s Beatle. Christian is all upset that she drives it and keeps asking if it’s road worthy, etc. It’s a steel car with lots of curves on it. It might not have a five-point harness or even a three-point seatbelt, but it’s not a bad car, especially not for a college student. Ana gets adamant that Christian won’t buy her a car, but you know he will.
Ana drives home crying, and lamenting that she won’t be allowed to sleep with or touch her boyfriend if she agrees to the contract. Yes, these are actually huge concerns. The magnitude of these concerns is almost suffocating. Especially the part about looking at him and talking without being spoken to. I mean, if she’s not into D/s or kink, then this isn’t the relationship for her.
She worries he’ll tire of her. Again, no suspense. He sends her an e-mail saying he doesn’t understand why she ran from him, but he wants to make it work, take it slow. One of the first signs of an abuser is that he tries to force you into a committed relationship very quickly. She falls asleep thinking that since this is all he knows, and her view is all she knows, maybe they can forge their own path. Note from the future: yes.
Rant: I think that BDSM is a viable “alternate lifestyle” and that kink and whatnot are perfectly normal between consenting adults, so the undercurrent in this book that says that Christian has something wrong with him because of BDSM bothers me. He has something wrong with him because he had a horrible childhood and upbringing. That’s where his issues stem from. He hides behind BDSM and D/s and kink in order to keep people at arm’s length, but the actual lifestyle is not what has made him this way. He is this way and turned to the lifestyle in order to handle his demons. I feel that this book paints those in “alternate lifestyles” (quotations because I think the term is improper, but I don’t know of a better one) in a light that there must be something wrong with them that they enjoy doing this and classes everyone with Christian Grey. To me, it’s on par with saying that homosexuals are only “that way” because they were abused as a child or just haven’t met the right woman/man to make them not be homosexual any more. In Christian’s case, he just hasn’t met the right girl yet. That’s what this author is saying. It’s easy to get over decades of hurt if you just meet the right person. And it is. If that person happens to be a therapist. But to say that all problems are got over really easily is cheapening the hurt of people like Christian and relegating BDSM to a band aid or crutch-like lifestyle that helps gloss over true problems until that one romantic partner comes along to take you away from “it all.”
I’m sure that this isn’t the author’s intention, but that’s what I’m getting from this book.
Okay, more to come.
Ana is reading through the contract, and it’s sort of repetitious because some of it was discussed in previous chapters, particularly with regards to how Ana will look, dress, eat, and exercise. I found it to be boring, but this is the sort of thing that fanfiction readers eat up with a spoon and extra sprinkles. But in a book, it’s boring. Really boring.
Ana gets really freaked out about the contract, particularly when stuff like “anal” and “fisting” are mentioned. Note from the future: you will never have to worry about these things, Ana. The kinkiest thing you will do in these books is the reverse-cowgirl, and I don’t think that’s even particularly kinky. (Is it? I mean…I don’t know what other people do, but I’ve never heard a guy say, “Wait, wait, let’s stop this rodeo. I’m a missionary man!”) Her biggest problem with the contract is the actual submissive part: not being able to touch Christian, not being able to look him in the eye or speak without being spoken to. From what I know of BDSM, and we’ve established that it’s not much, these things are pretty normal. I was actually surprised that there was nothing in the contract about Ana needing to wash Christian, wake him, help him dress and shave and whatnot. I just can’t say enough that he does not want a BDSM relationship, but he wants kink and he wants to do it in a D/s way. I just think the distinction is enough that it warrants addressing.
So, Christian wants Ana to research how to be a sub, and he gets appalled at the thought of her using Kate’s computer, so he has a MacBook Pro sent to her, complete with a tech to set it up and show her how to use it. This part really was odd. How did she get through college without a computer of her own? My computer is over four years old and the battery is completely shot, plus it gets hot enough to boil water on after it’s been running for about ten minutes, but it was cheap and it works. If Ana’s dad bought her a car, he can buy her a computer. For what she needs, she can get one for only a couple hundred. Sheesh.
Ana already has an e-mail from Christian, and they end up sending each other really cutesy exchanges and I want to throw up because I really don’t want to see or read any of that. None of the smileys or the cutesy titles Christian gives himself or any of it.
Ana goes out with José, and it actually doesn’t end badly. They manage to clear the air a bit and I kept expecting Christian to walk in on them and start being an ass, but it doesn’t happen, so props, Author.
Back at home, Ana e-mails more with Christian, and it’s sad because she obviously wants a normal relationship with a normal guy, and he’s who she’s set her heart on. Love is not only blind, but in the middle of nowhere and left for dead. Christian keeps telling Ana to research, which she does, and then she gets all freaked out about the BDSM lifestyle and again, Christian is into kink, not BDSM but it doesn’t matter because Ana wouldn’t know the difference between the two with a type-written list.
Chapter Twelve
Ana goes for a jog to clear her head and then goes home and writes to Christian: “I’ve seen enough, nice knowing you.” SOMEHOW, this is supposed to be a joke. How it’s funny is your guess as well as mine. Is this a Twihard thing like the lip biting? How is this a joke? Where does she put something suitably ironic in order to indicate it’s a joke?
Unsurprisingly, or completely surprisingly since this is bat-shit territory, Christian shows up at Ana’s house instead of just accepting defeat and realizing that it’s over Ana’s head. This makes no sense. He also starts in on Ana for biting her lip and I roll my eyes because it’s her body and she’s allowed to chew on any part of it she wishes, regardless of your feelings on the matter. This? This is what makes him abusive. Also, did he get the joke? Did he know it was a joke? Is it a pop-culture reference that I don’t know about? Or is he just trying to seduce her into getting what he wants? This is the definition of “dub-con” or “dubious consent”, by the way. It’s especially potent since he didn’t think it was a joke (because it’s not?) and really did head over to Ana’s house to seduce her into a different mind frame. This is twisted. Really wrong. This guy needs major psychiatric help, and he needs to stay away from other people because he’s a psychopath and he doesn’t understand empathy or the concept of personal space.
After Christian leaves, Ana starts feeling used, like a receptacle for his sexual energy. This is good because it’s pretty much the truth. Of course, instead of telling him she feels this way, she cries on Kate’s shoulder, and Kate says that he has ‘commitment issues’ which is like saying that the sea is salty.
Ana e-mails Christian in detail about her issues regarding the contract and some of the language, but never addresses the larger issue about how this does not feel like a relationship to her, at least not an equitable one where both partners discuss their innermost feelings and are validated and reassured by each other. Christian promises to talk more on their date, which seems like bullocks since his idea of communication is to have sex.
Chapter Thirteen
Ana finds out that her mom can’t go to her graduation because Ana’s stepfather has fallen down and he can’t get up. I get that Mom has to take care of StepDad and all, but this is her daughter’s graduation. Get a nurse or a friend or something and stay for only long enough to see the graduation. I understand that it’s hard to go from Georgia to Seattle as my family lives in North Carolina and I’m in California, but you can bet my mom dragged her ass across country to see my brother graduate from college, and he was thirty-five when he graduated. This is family. Ana of course says it doesn’t bother her. Why? Because saying it bothers her would be a character flaw? I don’t understand why Ana can’t be let down about her mom. Supposedly they love each other. This is one more odd part of this story. I feel that Ana is detached from her parents, which I guess is typical YA territory, but this is not a YA novel. She’s twenty-two years old, and she is celebrating a major life event. She can be disappointed that her mom won’t be there. But all she can think about is Christian.
After that, Ana calls Ray, the one parent who will be in attendance for her graduation, only Ray’s like, “Yo, there’s a baseball game about to start so I can’t talk long.” The fact that he’ll be there, though, speaks volumes about his relationship with Ana.
Christian e-mails Ana about when he’ll pick her up, and she’s like, “I’ll drive” and he gets upset and pouty because he even has to control her mode of transportation. He e-mails the definition of “Submissive” to Ana who counters with the definition of “Compromise.” The bottom line is that Ana is a little uncomfortable around Christian right now because of this stupid contract, and she wants her car around so she can get away without him next to her, trying to seduce her or coerce her into doing something she’s uncomfortable with.
So, Kate gives Ana a couple of dresses, and she puts on one for the date as well as matching stilettos, and for someone who can’t walk across the street without getting run over by a bike, let me say that this is a really stupid idea. I get that her “flaw” is supposed to be clumsiness, but the alacrity with which the author has abandoned this one flaw gives me whiplash. Ana is, of course, fine in her heels.
Ana tells Christian that the contract isn’t binding, but he counters that it’s good to have everything up front and on the table before they begin, and that he won’t prosecute her if she breaches. No, he’ll just stalk her to death.
I have this in my notes: “It’s not like these two aren’t going to end up together.”
This is the thing: if this were a book series about a virgin exploring the world of sex, and if the books were all about her trying different things with different partners, then I’d wonder who she’s going to end up with. But there’s no suspense here. It’s like the current generation watching Star Wars. If they start with the prequels, then they will be completely unsurprised when Darth Vader ends up as Luke’s father. That is this book in a nutshell. You already know they’re going to get married and make babies ever after. They have to. That is this book. All of this suspense is unnecessary and a little boring.
Anyway, moving on. So, Christian wants Ana to be honest with him, which is so stupid considering the fact that any time she has expressed any modicum of having her own opinions or feelings, he brushes her off and dismisses her boundaries and personal space. Case in point, he gets all over Ana about whether or not she’s eaten, again. Since it seems that Ana doesn’t eat when she’s nervous or upset, it’s no surprise that she hasn’t eaten, but he still gets all over her about it. Also, he asks if she wants to stay in the common room or go to a private room. She says she wants to be in public, but he’s already booked a private room, so no go Ana. The question is completely moot. Why did he ask her opinion when he had already made up their mind what they were going to do? I really hate it when people do that. It’s not fair and it isn’t kind. Also, he’s already ordered for her, including oysters. As a person with severe food allergies, I balk at his incessant obsession over food and his forcing it on Ana.
Okay, Christian starts going over the contract piece by piece, outlining Ana’s issues with what it says. He assures her that he is not HIV positive, nor does he do drugs. He actually goes into his company’s anti-drug policies and mentions random drug testing and Ana’s like, “He’s such a control freak!” Well, get used to it sweetheart, but in this case, he is perfectly within his rights, and few companies don’t issue random drug tests or have strict anti-drug policies. It’s like she nitpicks all the unimportant stuff, but lets his constant, persistent and pathological need to dominate her entirely slide by the wayside. It makes no sense!
Christian says he wants to try their relationship for three months, and Ana starts feeling railroaded. Finally. How long did this take you, Ana?
I have this in my notes: “I can’t believe how boring this is. Ana finally admits she trusts him. Thank God. Can we find the plot now? “
Sorry, self. This is me from the future. There will be no plot. Not ever. Not even with painfully transparent attempts to create drama will there be a plot. This fanfiction is labeled “PWP?”
So then we get to this: Ana is asking why she can’t touch Christian, and she thinks Mrs. Robinson had something to do with it. He says,
“No, Anastasia. She’s not the reason. Besides, Mrs. Robinson wouldn’t take any of that shit from me.” Oh…but I have to. I pout.
Yes. Exactly. He wants you to do things that he would never do himself. He expects of you that which he would never give to you. This is the relationship you want. This is the relationship millions of women want. No wonder men hate us. I’m starting to hate us. This is the type of guy who ‘nice guys’ rail against when they’re trying to ask a girl out.
[You know Nice Guy Syndrome, right? The guys who think all women want Bad Boys who will break their heart? The reason I would find Christian more attractive than a Nice Guy is simply because he knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to say so. The fact that he isn’t interested in what Ana wants and doesn’t care what she has to say is what turns me off to him. But between the two, yes I’d go with Christian Grey. This isn’t saying much.]
Ana brings up his no masturbation clause and he’s like, “I want all of your pleasure.” Sorry, Christian. Until you figure out the Vulcan Mind Meld, all of her pleasure is her own. You can be there to witness it, but she’s the one who feels it. Ana accuses him of using sex as a weapon when he threatens to “fuck” her in the dining room just because he can, and he has the good sense to not deny it. He also brings up how if she were his sub, she wouldn’t have to think about anything anymore, just go along with him. That’s a really great prospect, Christian. Every girl dreams of a guy telling her he’d like to not be able to distinguish between her and a lobotomy victim.
Ana says she feels like she’s playing a game where “[Christian is] the only one who knows and understands the rules.” This is pretty much the definition of an abusive person. Their rules are arbitrary, and what is true today may be false tomorrow, and they change all the time. This is so that Christian can “punish” Ana for not doing what he tells her to do. That is the bottom line.
Thankfully, Ana decides to leave before Christian can seduce and use her again, and she starts wondering if this is the last time she’ll see him, blah blah blah. Look, again, if there were any suspense, I would be on the edge of my chair (not really), but there is no suspense. They are going to get together. I don’t understand this sort of foreplay. Surely the author could have found some other avenue? At this point, it feels like a child’s game of pretend. “Let’s pretend that Christian and Ana won’t get together at some point in the future, okay?”
And now we get to Ana’s Beatle. Christian is all upset that she drives it and keeps asking if it’s road worthy, etc. It’s a steel car with lots of curves on it. It might not have a five-point harness or even a three-point seatbelt, but it’s not a bad car, especially not for a college student. Ana gets adamant that Christian won’t buy her a car, but you know he will.
Ana drives home crying, and lamenting that she won’t be allowed to sleep with or touch her boyfriend if she agrees to the contract. Yes, these are actually huge concerns. The magnitude of these concerns is almost suffocating. Especially the part about looking at him and talking without being spoken to. I mean, if she’s not into D/s or kink, then this isn’t the relationship for her.
She worries he’ll tire of her. Again, no suspense. He sends her an e-mail saying he doesn’t understand why she ran from him, but he wants to make it work, take it slow. One of the first signs of an abuser is that he tries to force you into a committed relationship very quickly. She falls asleep thinking that since this is all he knows, and her view is all she knows, maybe they can forge their own path. Note from the future: yes.
Rant: I think that BDSM is a viable “alternate lifestyle” and that kink and whatnot are perfectly normal between consenting adults, so the undercurrent in this book that says that Christian has something wrong with him because of BDSM bothers me. He has something wrong with him because he had a horrible childhood and upbringing. That’s where his issues stem from. He hides behind BDSM and D/s and kink in order to keep people at arm’s length, but the actual lifestyle is not what has made him this way. He is this way and turned to the lifestyle in order to handle his demons. I feel that this book paints those in “alternate lifestyles” (quotations because I think the term is improper, but I don’t know of a better one) in a light that there must be something wrong with them that they enjoy doing this and classes everyone with Christian Grey. To me, it’s on par with saying that homosexuals are only “that way” because they were abused as a child or just haven’t met the right woman/man to make them not be homosexual any more. In Christian’s case, he just hasn’t met the right girl yet. That’s what this author is saying. It’s easy to get over decades of hurt if you just meet the right person. And it is. If that person happens to be a therapist. But to say that all problems are got over really easily is cheapening the hurt of people like Christian and relegating BDSM to a band aid or crutch-like lifestyle that helps gloss over true problems until that one romantic partner comes along to take you away from “it all.”
I’m sure that this isn’t the author’s intention, but that’s what I’m getting from this book.
Okay, more to come.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
My book reviews
I read a lot, and I usually like to talk about what I read, so I've started posting about it here online. My reviews are not by a professional critic, but by me, a lover of books. I don't like some books. I love other books. I'm on the fence about some. Some are great books, but aren't my cup of tea.
Why do I bring this up? Because over at OTF_Wank, there have been several author meltdowns at people who, like me, leave reviews depicting books that they're either so-so about, or just didn't enjoy. One author got all over a reviewer (a person who's blog is even solely dedicated to reviews) for pointing out horrible writing, syntax, grammar, punctuation, and spelling. Despite samples being passed around and other commenters pointing out what was wrong with the writing, the author maintained that she was absolutely correct in everything and the reviewer was just being mean. Another reviewer had on their blog that they will read up to fifteen mistakes before putting the book down, and she barely got in ten pages before she put the book down. Honestly, these are reasons why I would not read a book. I am glad that these reviewers point this out so that I don't waste time or money buying the books and being disappointed. I go by what other authors recommend, and I enjoy reading reviews, even after I have read the book.
For me, talking about a book after I read it is a way to continue to connect with it. I would feel bad if an author felt sad that I didn't like their book, but I would hope that since they are an author, they know that not everyone is going to like what they have to say. I would also hope that they would know better than to come to someone's blog and start attacking the blogger for being honest about a book.
I want to tell authors that people want to like their books. We're readers, those of us who review, and we enjoy reading. We enjoy the worlds authors can create. But we also get upset when a world doesn't manage to make sense, or when text does not live up to its intended design. I know we currently live in a world where every child gets a trophy for participation whether they're a good soccer player or not, and your high school diploma is now just one of many diplomas you've received over the years, so accomplishment and achievement are no longer unusual occurrences. Everything is now rewarded, both failure and accomplishment. But at the end of the day, I read what I enjoy (and yes, I include Fifty Shades in that category).
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| Pictured: My cup of tea (no, this joke will never get old) |
For me, talking about a book after I read it is a way to continue to connect with it. I would feel bad if an author felt sad that I didn't like their book, but I would hope that since they are an author, they know that not everyone is going to like what they have to say. I would also hope that they would know better than to come to someone's blog and start attacking the blogger for being honest about a book.
I want to tell authors that people want to like their books. We're readers, those of us who review, and we enjoy reading. We enjoy the worlds authors can create. But we also get upset when a world doesn't manage to make sense, or when text does not live up to its intended design. I know we currently live in a world where every child gets a trophy for participation whether they're a good soccer player or not, and your high school diploma is now just one of many diplomas you've received over the years, so accomplishment and achievement are no longer unusual occurrences. Everything is now rewarded, both failure and accomplishment. But at the end of the day, I read what I enjoy (and yes, I include Fifty Shades in that category).
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Chapter By Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades of Grey: chapters 6-10
Chapter Six
In the Greymobile, Ana is all upset that Christian is saying nothing about their kiss. This is more than likely because the kiss just happened and there’s nothing really to talk about. Ana starts getting really irrational about how Christian is driving so perfectly and not talking and I’m like, what does she want him to do? Pull down her panties and start giving her a handy while they drive? He’s driving a car. Leave him alone.
The silence is soon broken by Christian taking a bunch of phone calls on speaker just to show how important he is. One of those people is his brother Emmett…er...Elliott, who apparently went home with Kate the night before. Elliott is a pretty nice guy, proving that Christian’s problems stem from sociopathy rather than his upbringing. Ana gets sort of jealous about how free and easy Kate and Elliott are with each other, and Christian’s like, “I’m not going to kiss you again unless it’s premeditated” and Ana is fine with that instead of wanting to run away.
Elliot tells Kate, “Laters, baby,” and you need to remember this because it will be in the book about ten thousand more times.
So, Ana and Christian have a date set, and it involves strapping Ana into a helicopter harness. Christian enjoys strapping her in, and then starts making comments about how she’s always biting her lower lip, and he wants to be the one to bite it, etc.
Basically, he wants her to control a nervous tick of hers because it drives him crazy, and he apparently has no self-control. Well, this is actually okay since Ana apparently doesn’t either.
Is the lip-biting thing a nod to how Kristin Stewart “acts” in Twilight? She’s all lip biting and twitchy and looks like she’s going to throw up every few minutes, which is somehow even more annoying than Bella Swan, so I’m just curious about this lip biting thing.
Ana asks if they’re going to make love, and Christian’s all, “I don’t make love. I fuck. Hard.” And he’s not going to do anything until she understands what she’s getting into.
I have this in my notes: “Oh, who am I kidding. i don't care how kinky the author wants things to get, if there's anything other than missionary in here, i'll eat my hat.”
Chapter Seven
Christian takes Ana to his playroom. She says, “The walls are dark burgundy giving a womb-like effect to the room.” Eh. Yeah. So sexy. Eugh. Jeez.
So, when I first read through this, I thought he had figured out that she was a virgin, seeing as how he knew everything about her from her clothing size to her address to her taste in books, but apparently he hadn’t figured it out yet, so I was really incredulous during this scene. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just have sex with her regularly a few times just to get her acclimated, and then introduce the other stuff, so I found this whole scene really disconcerting.
Ana, to her credit, asks some good questions about the whole thing, and she wants to know what she gets out of being a sub. She gets him, of course.
So, I’m not an expert at D/s. It’s not really a lifestyle I’m into, but I have known others who are into it. Some who have even kept subs in collars and whatnot. It’s an interesting lifestyle, but it’s not usually combined with sex. D/s is usually a fulfilling activity in its own right, and it’s not unusual for people who participate in the lifestyle to go for months at a time without having actual sex. I will say this again: Christian is into kink, not BDSM. He likes sex. Rough sex. He likes to spank and punish and order someone around, but at the end of the day, he likes sex. It’s what he’s after. The spanking and the ordering around is not enough for him.
He also wants to not really have much of a relationship with his sub. This again would be against BDSM guidelines. Doms and subs need to be able to trust each other implicitly, and you don’t get that sort of relationship from spending a few hours in a playroom on the weekends. If you are a sub, then your Dom has complete control over you unless you tell him/her to stop. If you don’t trust them to stop when you tell them to, then you cannot trust them. If you are a Dom, you need to trust your sub to tell you when to stop. When you don’t trust that other person, people get hurt. People who are in these relationships usually know more about each other than couples who have been together for fifty years.
Anyway, eventually Ana informs Christian that she’s a virgin and he freaks out quite a bit because he’s all about control, and this was something he hadn’t foreseen. I will admit that his reaction is mildly adorable. He’s like, “We need to get you de-virginized STAT!” Of course, he’s pissed that she didn’t tell him about it. What was she supposed to do? When was she supposed to tell him? When they first met? I don’t get this guy. He makes no sense.
Chapter eight
They have sex. Geez. About time. Afterwards, he goes all sad sparkley vampire and plays a song on the piano.
Chapter Nine
Ana wakes up, turns on her music, and starts dancing around the kitchen. Of course Mr. Creepy comes to watch and order her around, but that’s what he does.
Ana finally calls Kate, which is about twelve hours later than she said she’d call her. I’m totally disappointed in Kate for not calling the cops. Really, Kate, this is what friends do.
Okay, before I say this next part, I just want to be honest about the fact that I haven’t read much about this book before I actually read it. I did know that it was supposedly about BDSM, and that it was based on Twilight, which isn’t much of a stretch of the imagination, really. But I didn’t know which direction the book was going in (see above, re: my thinking Christian had to know Ana was a virgin). But this was my thought process:
This book is about BDSM (supposedly).
It’s based on Twilight.
Twitards are all about fantasy and making men who seem perfect but are really deeply sociopathic.
BDSM makes sense in that context, HOWEVER—
There is no way that this story would have been popular if it was about actual BDSM AND SO
The book must be about Ana finding out what happened with Christian earlier in his life that led him to this path and must THEREFORE
Find a way to cure Christian of his BDSM preoccupation.
Note from the future: You are so good, baby. Laters.
I’m really sorry. Really, I am. I’m slightly disappointed that it turned out to be this way. But these are my notes:
“christian says he never had vanilla sex before, which makes me wonder if he jumped in only doing bdsm, which is sort of like trying to build a highrise without a foundation.
well, this book wouldn't be very popular if it was actually about kinky sex, so maybe ana is supposed to teach christian how to do vanilla.”
I do think it’s nice that Christian tells Ana that she’s beautiful and compliments her and whatnot. It really is a good thing to tell the girl you’re sleeping with that she’s pretty.
I have issues with Ana performing her first BJ perfectly, and that she’s done it in a full bathtub as well. I’ll admit that I started skimming once the sex got graphic, but this is a bit unbelievable. People need help with this kind of stuff, so either she’s been practicing on her own, or she’s a miracle worker because he gives her an A.
Christian really wants her to sign the contract. I would think that if he really had her sexual well-being at heart, he’d want her to have more experience. Oh, but he owns her virginity. Retch. Whatever.
His mom comes over and Christian wants Ana to meet her. I hope we learn why he’s so messed up.
Chapter Ten
His mom wears neutrals because of course she does. She seems like a pretty decent lady, though, and she seems to be pleased that Ana is there.
After Mom goes away, Ana answers her phone thinking it must be Kate, and it’s Jose.
Okay, so the night that Christian came to the bar to “rescue” Ana, he found Jose pawing at her and trying to kiss her, and Christian has hated Jose ever since. And now he’s all pissed off that Ana is talking to Jose, and Ana wants to know why, and it’s because she’s Christian’s, not Jose’s, and…yeah. Way to set feminism back three hundred years. Does Jose need to give him a goat and three chickens to make up for it?
Christian says that Ana wanting to discuss their relationship is defiant on her part. So is wanting to have friends and a social life and all that other stuff that Christian thinks she shouldn’t have because she’s “his” and he doesn’t need those things.
Okay, so one of the things that makes a lot of sense is that Christian wanted Ana to sign a nondisclosure agreement. I get this. Could you imagine if Bill Gates was into BDSM? Heck, could you imagine if Jared from Subway was into BDSM? The tabloids would have a field day. But Ana needs to talk to Kate. Not about the bondage, but just about the sex. Christian isn’t into this. He thinks Ana should ask him all of her sex questions. Yeah. This is how he is. So, finally, he’s like, “Be discreet.” She will.
He drives her home, and I have this in my notes: “he is obsessed with her eating. is this a thing in the twilight fandom? is it because of the first book when edward was all over bella to eat and drink her coke after she almost got raped? is this their gauge at how much a guy likes you? i am glad i don't know, but sort of wish i did.”
I don’t get the eating thing. He lords over Ana until she is too nervous to eat, and then she can’t eat, and he lords over her for not eating.
Ladies (and gentlemen…), if this is what your relationship is like, you need to get out of it. This is not an equitable relationship. I feel like I need to stress this over and over again. This is not a good relationship. If a guy (or girl) makes you feel badly about yourself, you need to walk away from them. It will be hard, but you have to do it.
Okay, so Ana and Kate talk about sex and all that, and then Jose calls and accuses Ana of liking Christian because of his money. This goes over as well as you think it would. We can’t like Jose of course. If we liked Jose, we might think that he’d be better for Ana, and if we thought someone would be better for Ana, then we'd think Christian wasn't right for her. It's this sort of logical fallacy that keeps us going in this story. "Well, who else can she be with?" because her being single is out of the question. Don't forget: if she doesn't snatch up Christian, she'll be a crazy cat lady in her thirties and she'll never be loved by anyone!
Later, Ana is able to eat without Christian nagging her. Big surprise! He’d better stay away from the Souplantation. I was there over the weekend, and someone had three huge pieces of bread on a plate in the busboy station. It was pretty shameful. I mean, it's a buffet. You take one piece of bread, and if you want more, you go back for more. How hard is this? But they had to take three pieces and only eat a half of one. There are starving children in Africa!
We find out that Christian Grey was taken under the wing of a much older Dom while he was in high school, and Ana (and pretty much everyone else in the world) considers this to be sexual abuse. Again, I have this as my note before I read the rest of the book: “I wonder if he would look at it that way? Since I predict that this book will be about making Grey less kinky and more normal, I guess we have to deal with his angst later.”
I am sooo good. Really.
Our last thought before the end of the chapter is Ana thinking she’d never know about BDSM if she didn’t know Christian. I actually want to know how she’s never known about it before. I knew about it by the time I was….fourteen? I think? Grow up, little girl.
Laters, baby. More to come.
In the Greymobile, Ana is all upset that Christian is saying nothing about their kiss. This is more than likely because the kiss just happened and there’s nothing really to talk about. Ana starts getting really irrational about how Christian is driving so perfectly and not talking and I’m like, what does she want him to do? Pull down her panties and start giving her a handy while they drive? He’s driving a car. Leave him alone.
The silence is soon broken by Christian taking a bunch of phone calls on speaker just to show how important he is. One of those people is his brother Emmett…er...Elliott, who apparently went home with Kate the night before. Elliott is a pretty nice guy, proving that Christian’s problems stem from sociopathy rather than his upbringing. Ana gets sort of jealous about how free and easy Kate and Elliott are with each other, and Christian’s like, “I’m not going to kiss you again unless it’s premeditated” and Ana is fine with that instead of wanting to run away.
Elliot tells Kate, “Laters, baby,” and you need to remember this because it will be in the book about ten thousand more times.
So, Ana and Christian have a date set, and it involves strapping Ana into a helicopter harness. Christian enjoys strapping her in, and then starts making comments about how she’s always biting her lower lip, and he wants to be the one to bite it, etc.
Basically, he wants her to control a nervous tick of hers because it drives him crazy, and he apparently has no self-control. Well, this is actually okay since Ana apparently doesn’t either.
Is the lip-biting thing a nod to how Kristin Stewart “acts” in Twilight? She’s all lip biting and twitchy and looks like she’s going to throw up every few minutes, which is somehow even more annoying than Bella Swan, so I’m just curious about this lip biting thing.
Ana asks if they’re going to make love, and Christian’s all, “I don’t make love. I fuck. Hard.” And he’s not going to do anything until she understands what she’s getting into.
I have this in my notes: “Oh, who am I kidding. i don't care how kinky the author wants things to get, if there's anything other than missionary in here, i'll eat my hat.”
Chapter Seven
Christian takes Ana to his playroom. She says, “The walls are dark burgundy giving a womb-like effect to the room.” Eh. Yeah. So sexy. Eugh. Jeez.
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| who's a cute widdwe ewephant? Who? You are! You are! |
So, when I first read through this, I thought he had figured out that she was a virgin, seeing as how he knew everything about her from her clothing size to her address to her taste in books, but apparently he hadn’t figured it out yet, so I was really incredulous during this scene. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just have sex with her regularly a few times just to get her acclimated, and then introduce the other stuff, so I found this whole scene really disconcerting.
Ana, to her credit, asks some good questions about the whole thing, and she wants to know what she gets out of being a sub. She gets him, of course.
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| All aboard the Bingley express |
So, I’m not an expert at D/s. It’s not really a lifestyle I’m into, but I have known others who are into it. Some who have even kept subs in collars and whatnot. It’s an interesting lifestyle, but it’s not usually combined with sex. D/s is usually a fulfilling activity in its own right, and it’s not unusual for people who participate in the lifestyle to go for months at a time without having actual sex. I will say this again: Christian is into kink, not BDSM. He likes sex. Rough sex. He likes to spank and punish and order someone around, but at the end of the day, he likes sex. It’s what he’s after. The spanking and the ordering around is not enough for him.
He also wants to not really have much of a relationship with his sub. This again would be against BDSM guidelines. Doms and subs need to be able to trust each other implicitly, and you don’t get that sort of relationship from spending a few hours in a playroom on the weekends. If you are a sub, then your Dom has complete control over you unless you tell him/her to stop. If you don’t trust them to stop when you tell them to, then you cannot trust them. If you are a Dom, you need to trust your sub to tell you when to stop. When you don’t trust that other person, people get hurt. People who are in these relationships usually know more about each other than couples who have been together for fifty years.
Anyway, eventually Ana informs Christian that she’s a virgin and he freaks out quite a bit because he’s all about control, and this was something he hadn’t foreseen. I will admit that his reaction is mildly adorable. He’s like, “We need to get you de-virginized STAT!” Of course, he’s pissed that she didn’t tell him about it. What was she supposed to do? When was she supposed to tell him? When they first met? I don’t get this guy. He makes no sense.
Chapter eight
They have sex. Geez. About time. Afterwards, he goes all sad sparkley vampire and plays a song on the piano.
 |
| The only time it's acceptable for a man to brood while playing piano. Hi, Johnny. |
Chapter Nine
Ana wakes up, turns on her music, and starts dancing around the kitchen. Of course Mr. Creepy comes to watch and order her around, but that’s what he does.
Ana finally calls Kate, which is about twelve hours later than she said she’d call her. I’m totally disappointed in Kate for not calling the cops. Really, Kate, this is what friends do.
Okay, before I say this next part, I just want to be honest about the fact that I haven’t read much about this book before I actually read it. I did know that it was supposedly about BDSM, and that it was based on Twilight, which isn’t much of a stretch of the imagination, really. But I didn’t know which direction the book was going in (see above, re: my thinking Christian had to know Ana was a virgin). But this was my thought process:
This book is about BDSM (supposedly).
It’s based on Twilight.
Twitards are all about fantasy and making men who seem perfect but are really deeply sociopathic.
BDSM makes sense in that context, HOWEVER—
There is no way that this story would have been popular if it was about actual BDSM AND SO
The book must be about Ana finding out what happened with Christian earlier in his life that led him to this path and must THEREFORE
Find a way to cure Christian of his BDSM preoccupation.
Note from the future: You are so good, baby. Laters.
I’m really sorry. Really, I am. I’m slightly disappointed that it turned out to be this way. But these are my notes:
“christian says he never had vanilla sex before, which makes me wonder if he jumped in only doing bdsm, which is sort of like trying to build a highrise without a foundation.
well, this book wouldn't be very popular if it was actually about kinky sex, so maybe ana is supposed to teach christian how to do vanilla.”
I do think it’s nice that Christian tells Ana that she’s beautiful and compliments her and whatnot. It really is a good thing to tell the girl you’re sleeping with that she’s pretty.
I have issues with Ana performing her first BJ perfectly, and that she’s done it in a full bathtub as well. I’ll admit that I started skimming once the sex got graphic, but this is a bit unbelievable. People need help with this kind of stuff, so either she’s been practicing on her own, or she’s a miracle worker because he gives her an A.
Christian really wants her to sign the contract. I would think that if he really had her sexual well-being at heart, he’d want her to have more experience. Oh, but he owns her virginity. Retch. Whatever.
His mom comes over and Christian wants Ana to meet her. I hope we learn why he’s so messed up.
Chapter Ten
His mom wears neutrals because of course she does. She seems like a pretty decent lady, though, and she seems to be pleased that Ana is there.
After Mom goes away, Ana answers her phone thinking it must be Kate, and it’s Jose.
Okay, so the night that Christian came to the bar to “rescue” Ana, he found Jose pawing at her and trying to kiss her, and Christian has hated Jose ever since. And now he’s all pissed off that Ana is talking to Jose, and Ana wants to know why, and it’s because she’s Christian’s, not Jose’s, and…yeah. Way to set feminism back three hundred years. Does Jose need to give him a goat and three chickens to make up for it?
Christian says that Ana wanting to discuss their relationship is defiant on her part. So is wanting to have friends and a social life and all that other stuff that Christian thinks she shouldn’t have because she’s “his” and he doesn’t need those things.
Okay, so one of the things that makes a lot of sense is that Christian wanted Ana to sign a nondisclosure agreement. I get this. Could you imagine if Bill Gates was into BDSM? Heck, could you imagine if Jared from Subway was into BDSM? The tabloids would have a field day. But Ana needs to talk to Kate. Not about the bondage, but just about the sex. Christian isn’t into this. He thinks Ana should ask him all of her sex questions. Yeah. This is how he is. So, finally, he’s like, “Be discreet.” She will.
He drives her home, and I have this in my notes: “he is obsessed with her eating. is this a thing in the twilight fandom? is it because of the first book when edward was all over bella to eat and drink her coke after she almost got raped? is this their gauge at how much a guy likes you? i am glad i don't know, but sort of wish i did.”
I don’t get the eating thing. He lords over Ana until she is too nervous to eat, and then she can’t eat, and he lords over her for not eating.
Ladies (and gentlemen…), if this is what your relationship is like, you need to get out of it. This is not an equitable relationship. I feel like I need to stress this over and over again. This is not a good relationship. If a guy (or girl) makes you feel badly about yourself, you need to walk away from them. It will be hard, but you have to do it.
Okay, so Ana and Kate talk about sex and all that, and then Jose calls and accuses Ana of liking Christian because of his money. This goes over as well as you think it would. We can’t like Jose of course. If we liked Jose, we might think that he’d be better for Ana, and if we thought someone would be better for Ana, then we'd think Christian wasn't right for her. It's this sort of logical fallacy that keeps us going in this story. "Well, who else can she be with?" because her being single is out of the question. Don't forget: if she doesn't snatch up Christian, she'll be a crazy cat lady in her thirties and she'll never be loved by anyone!
Later, Ana is able to eat without Christian nagging her. Big surprise! He’d better stay away from the Souplantation. I was there over the weekend, and someone had three huge pieces of bread on a plate in the busboy station. It was pretty shameful. I mean, it's a buffet. You take one piece of bread, and if you want more, you go back for more. How hard is this? But they had to take three pieces and only eat a half of one. There are starving children in Africa!
We find out that Christian Grey was taken under the wing of a much older Dom while he was in high school, and Ana (and pretty much everyone else in the world) considers this to be sexual abuse. Again, I have this as my note before I read the rest of the book: “I wonder if he would look at it that way? Since I predict that this book will be about making Grey less kinky and more normal, I guess we have to deal with his angst later.”
I am sooo good. Really.
Our last thought before the end of the chapter is Ana thinking she’d never know about BDSM if she didn’t know Christian. I actually want to know how she’s never known about it before. I knew about it by the time I was….fourteen? I think? Grow up, little girl.
Laters, baby. More to come.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Chapter by Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapters 3-5
Chapter three
I have this in my notes: “i wish kate was a sassy black friend instead of the dull white girl that she is. this book needs some color. i'm tired of all the grey. wokka wokka.”
So, Kate is Ana’s really close friend (and my friend Cassandra pointed out in her article that Kate never wonders if Ana is gay despite the fact that Ana has men swarming her and isn’t interested in any of them. Sort of odd, yeah?), and she’s all rich and Society and enjoys shopping and crap. Her parents bought a duplex for her when she went to college, and a nice Mercedes and all sorts of stuff, but she still manages to be a nice person.
Guess what, Author? The kids at my college who are given all that stuff? They are clueless moronic frat boys and sorority girls. They have no sense of responsibility or money, and they don’t take any pride in ownership. Their cars start out the year all shiny and sleek and end filled with empty Del Taco cups and scratches and dings and a layer of dust on the paint job. If you want to make Kate a really well-rounded character, I need more from you. You see, I live in this world, and I have never met a girl like Kate who wasn’t put through paces of work at an early age.
Anyway, it turns out that Ana doesn’t even know why Kate had her interview Grey. She thought it was just some sort of project, but it turns out that Grey will be giving a commencement speech, and he is awarding a 2.5 million grant to the college. I would like to know if it’s a one-time grant, or a yearly grant, because honestly, 2.5 million isn’t huge in the scheme of education. Anyway, Ana’s cluelessness knows no bounds, how can she be unaware of this? I’m assuming that Christian is supposed to be like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs. If one of these guys was going to speak at your university, wouldn’t you know about it? If they gave grants, wouldn’t you have heard?
So, Kate is working really hard on the article and bemoans not having a picture of Grey. This is stupid. That’s what Google Images is for. Ana calls her “Carla Bernstein” and I roll my eyes hard. (note from the future: rolling your eyes is apparently bad.) Ana decides to call Christian Grey on his cell phone, which he gave her the number to while they were at the hardware store, and ask for a photoshoot. Of course, the usual photog for the school paper is out, so it will have to be Jose who takes over. This is going to go over like a lead zeppelin. These two are going to get along great.
Apparently, Ana can hear Christian’s “sphinx-like” smile as she talks with him. I have in my notes, “do sphinxes smile? QED.” The answer is…no! They do not! The definition of sphinx-like is “mysterious and not allowing people to know what you are thinking.” She asks him to do a photo shoot. He says yes. All of her needed interactions with him are currently satisfied. She doesn’t need to know any of his other secrets.
So, Christian shows up a day early for the commencement so Kate can get some pictures, and he goes to the room with pants that hang from his hips. Are they palazzo pants? They hang from his hips? He’s a CEO of a very large multi-million dollar corporation. I have a hard time believing that his pants are not impeccably tailored to fit him perfectly. Heck, Bill Gates is the kind of guy who shows up places looking like he jogged the last half-mile in 90% humidity, and yet his pants are tailored. Surely someone as gorgeous and good-looking as Christian Grey has pants that fit even better. But no, they hang from his hips, and every gang-banger in Santa Ana with their pants sagging down past their hips is now as well dressed as this imaginary CEO.
Ana describes a bodyguard-type guy and makes sure we know he’s watching everything with his hazel eyes. I’m SO GLAD we cleared that up. How would I know what to think of this (yet again) white guy if I don’t know what color his eyes are? Heaven forefend! Now I know so much about him and feel so much better for the knowing.
Kate is not flustered by Christian. According to Ana, it’s because her family has money and shit, but really? Can it be that maybe Kate doesn’t lust after the guy? And maybe if she does lust after him, she’s just really good at hiding it because she’s not some socially awkward person who can’t hide her feelings?
Christian Grey has copper-colored hair that is wild and crazy, and that makes me think of the guy who plays Bingley in the current Pride and Prejudice movie.
Yeah, he’s cute and all. But he’s not everyone’s cup of tea.
I’m not saying that we shouldn’t try to change the ideal of what a handsome, macho man is. I think it’s great that we’re seeing more heroes who are blonde and ginger, and yes, at times, even (gasp!) brown or black (not in this book, though…just so you know). But the obsession that this author has with this guy’s hair is just unhealthy, and that we get every few minutes an update on how wild and unruly it is…I don’t care if he’s Prince Harry. I don’t want to hear it. Give him some actual characterization already and leave his hair alone! It’s probably going to fall out in the next ten years anyway.
Where was I?
Oh, right. The book.
Jacob…er…Jose and Christian don’t like each other after just one look. That’s it. No more. They hate each other. But they do the photo shoot.
I have this in my notes: “everyone is still murmuring and muttering. doesn't anyone just talk in this book?”
So, the murmuring and muttering. No one “says” a word. They murmur, mutter, mumble, whisper, choke, shout, caress, taste, but no actual talking in an understandable way. I’m just going to go out on a limb and say that there would be a lot fewer misunderstandings later on in the book if everyone would just “say” something now and then. And while I hate it when an author has their characters “say” a question rather than “ask,” I have never faulted an author for just letting their characters talk. I read a book a few months ago where all the characters “chuckled” out their words, no matter how inappropriate a chuckle would be with said words, but I never felt like shouting “Mumbler!” at them.
Moving on.
So, Christian asks Ana out to coffee despite the fact that Ana doesn’t drink coffee (sorry, no tea or frappuccino for you!), and she says yes, but then Kate goes all mother bear on her and is like, “He’s dangerous for a girl like you.” and “like you” means “a virgin” because going for coffee means having sex immediately afterwards, perhaps even in the bathroom while drinking the coffee.
I have this in my notes: “okay, no one has even held her hand? has she been in a convent or a cult for the last twenty-two years?” This is what the narration says. No one has held her hand.
A few more notes:
“how do you gaze at someone through your lashes? do you have to squint? wouldn't that be unattractive?
i'm so glad i know the table they're sitting at is birch veneer! i'd hate to be under the impression that it's real walnut or pine!
he wonders why she's so repressed and uncomfortable around him. probably because he's the only one to ever make her feel sexually attracted to anyone.
she's always blushing.
so, he asks her if she has a boyfriend, and if she's uncomfortable around men, and all this, but she asks him if he has a girlfriend, and then she gets embarrassed?
and he doesn't do the girlfriend thing.
of course she almost falls into the street.
he saves her and they embrace, and she wants to be kissed for the first time.
no one said lust made sense.”
And that’s the end of the chapter.
Chapter four
Christian warns Ana away from him. He’d just be no good for her and he can’t give her what she wants. So no to sex then? Then he goes on and on about what could have happened in the bicyclist had hit her, she could have been seriously injured or something, and he just “shudders to think” what could have happened. It’s just…the most insane rejection I’ve ever read, coming from a character who is going out of his way to put himself in the presence of this woman, which reads to me that he’s emotionally unstable and she’s better off without him.
Well done, Ana. Good job of dodging that bullet. Next thing you know, he’ll be trying to run your life. (note from the future: there is no way to get him to stop running her life.)
She finally thinks of the guys she’s rejected in the past, and she wonders if they’ve ever felt this way about her. Well, in her defense, she’s never asked them out, shot off probing questions at them, and then told them to stay away from her. And now I’m mad because I’m defending her, but come on. There’s a huge difference between leading someone on and telling someone no.
Ana decides to get drunk, which she’s apparently never done before. Before she gets her drink on, though, there’s a delivery of books for her—several first edition books from the 1800’s—from Christian of course. This is how he gets her to stay away? Is this supposed to be sexy?
At the bar, Jose says, “Dios mio.” I counter with, “!Hijole!” Ana is apparently countering with “Reposado.”
Guacatelas.
Ana eventually becomes so inebriated that she decides to drunk dial Christian because that’s what anyone who got drunk would do, and no I’m not saying that sarcastically. This is why you leave your phone at home when you’re mad at someone and decide to get drunk. There is no way this can end badly.
What’s horrible here is not that Ana drunk-dials Christian. I mean, that’s normal. What’s horrible is his reaction. He gets all upset, and then RUNS DOWN TO THE DAMN BAR TO GET ANA BEFORE SHE CAN HURT HERSELF BECAUSE SHE IS THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE WORLD TO EVER GET DRUNK AND HAVE TO RELY ON THE GOODNESS OF HER FRIENDS TO GET HER HOME.
This is so ridiculous. I cannot find this man attractive. He is overbearing and controlling and high-handed and so very, very sanctimonious and I just don’t get the attraction. There is no way that this man is anything other than annoying and to be avoided at all costs. He is not sexy or protective. This is not what you want in a man, ladies. If you are dating someone and they treat you like this, run!
He tells her that her being drunk is “beyond the pale.” Yes, he says that without any hint of irony. He also decides to spin her around the dance floor after he found her puking in the bushes, which just goes to show that he’s as stupid about her safety as she is. Jeez. What kind of idiot does this?
So, she faints.
Chapter six
Ana wakes up in Christian’s hotel room, in his bed, and then gets a huge lecture about responsibility and getting drunk and thanks a lot, Dad! Then he says that if she were “his,” she wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week. Thanks again, Dad! Time to cut those apron strings. She is so much better off without him and why oh WHY am I on Ana’s side? Good lord I hate this book!
He makes her take a shower and then scolds her for having damp hair because that’s how you catch a cold, doncha know. It has nothing to do with germs and viruses, just cold hair. You know what, Christian? She’s survived twenty two years without you ordering her around, I’m sure she can survive a whole lot longer.
Ana’s all concerned about waking up in his bed, and Christian writes that off quickly. He won’t touch her without written consent. This is not creepy in any way.
So, Christian went all Richard Gere in Pretty Woman on the breakfast items, and then starts scolding Ana for not eating much. He hates wasted food. Maybe he should have thought of that before ordering one of everything from the breakfast menu. It’s so nice to see that the plagiarism ideals Cassie Claire started all those years ago are still running strong. The only reason I can see for him ordering so much is so that he can yell at Ana when she wastes food, and then to keep her from seeing through his straw man, he starts scolding her for not eating before she got drunk the night before.
If Christian is really upset about how Ana was the night before, then he should have just let her be. Blaming her because he’s a controlling sociopath who has a desire to own and control the lives of other people is not a decision based in logic. It makes no sense, and he is in essence blaming someone else for his own mistake.
THIS IS NOT SEXY! THIS DOES NOT EVEN LOOK LIKE SEXY! THIS DOES NOT BELONG IN THE SAME ROOM WITH SEXY! IT IS TO SEXY WHAT A HAWK IS TO A HANDSAW!
So, they go down in the elevator and make out. He holds her hands over her head the entire kiss so she can’t touch him. See above.
More to come.
I have this in my notes: “i wish kate was a sassy black friend instead of the dull white girl that she is. this book needs some color. i'm tired of all the grey. wokka wokka.”
So, Kate is Ana’s really close friend (and my friend Cassandra pointed out in her article that Kate never wonders if Ana is gay despite the fact that Ana has men swarming her and isn’t interested in any of them. Sort of odd, yeah?), and she’s all rich and Society and enjoys shopping and crap. Her parents bought a duplex for her when she went to college, and a nice Mercedes and all sorts of stuff, but she still manages to be a nice person.
Guess what, Author? The kids at my college who are given all that stuff? They are clueless moronic frat boys and sorority girls. They have no sense of responsibility or money, and they don’t take any pride in ownership. Their cars start out the year all shiny and sleek and end filled with empty Del Taco cups and scratches and dings and a layer of dust on the paint job. If you want to make Kate a really well-rounded character, I need more from you. You see, I live in this world, and I have never met a girl like Kate who wasn’t put through paces of work at an early age.
Anyway, it turns out that Ana doesn’t even know why Kate had her interview Grey. She thought it was just some sort of project, but it turns out that Grey will be giving a commencement speech, and he is awarding a 2.5 million grant to the college. I would like to know if it’s a one-time grant, or a yearly grant, because honestly, 2.5 million isn’t huge in the scheme of education. Anyway, Ana’s cluelessness knows no bounds, how can she be unaware of this? I’m assuming that Christian is supposed to be like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs. If one of these guys was going to speak at your university, wouldn’t you know about it? If they gave grants, wouldn’t you have heard?
So, Kate is working really hard on the article and bemoans not having a picture of Grey. This is stupid. That’s what Google Images is for. Ana calls her “Carla Bernstein” and I roll my eyes hard. (note from the future: rolling your eyes is apparently bad.) Ana decides to call Christian Grey on his cell phone, which he gave her the number to while they were at the hardware store, and ask for a photoshoot. Of course, the usual photog for the school paper is out, so it will have to be Jose who takes over. This is going to go over like a lead zeppelin. These two are going to get along great.
Apparently, Ana can hear Christian’s “sphinx-like” smile as she talks with him. I have in my notes, “do sphinxes smile? QED.” The answer is…no! They do not! The definition of sphinx-like is “mysterious and not allowing people to know what you are thinking.” She asks him to do a photo shoot. He says yes. All of her needed interactions with him are currently satisfied. She doesn’t need to know any of his other secrets.
So, Christian shows up a day early for the commencement so Kate can get some pictures, and he goes to the room with pants that hang from his hips. Are they palazzo pants? They hang from his hips? He’s a CEO of a very large multi-million dollar corporation. I have a hard time believing that his pants are not impeccably tailored to fit him perfectly. Heck, Bill Gates is the kind of guy who shows up places looking like he jogged the last half-mile in 90% humidity, and yet his pants are tailored. Surely someone as gorgeous and good-looking as Christian Grey has pants that fit even better. But no, they hang from his hips, and every gang-banger in Santa Ana with their pants sagging down past their hips is now as well dressed as this imaginary CEO.
 |
| Pictured: Palazzo Pants hanging from the hip |
Ana describes a bodyguard-type guy and makes sure we know he’s watching everything with his hazel eyes. I’m SO GLAD we cleared that up. How would I know what to think of this (yet again) white guy if I don’t know what color his eyes are? Heaven forefend! Now I know so much about him and feel so much better for the knowing.
Kate is not flustered by Christian. According to Ana, it’s because her family has money and shit, but really? Can it be that maybe Kate doesn’t lust after the guy? And maybe if she does lust after him, she’s just really good at hiding it because she’s not some socially awkward person who can’t hide her feelings?
Christian Grey has copper-colored hair that is wild and crazy, and that makes me think of the guy who plays Bingley in the current Pride and Prejudice movie.
 |
| Simply Resistible. But totes adorbs. |
Yeah, he’s cute and all. But he’s not everyone’s cup of tea.
 |
| Pictured: My cup of tea. |
I’m not saying that we shouldn’t try to change the ideal of what a handsome, macho man is. I think it’s great that we’re seeing more heroes who are blonde and ginger, and yes, at times, even (gasp!) brown or black (not in this book, though…just so you know). But the obsession that this author has with this guy’s hair is just unhealthy, and that we get every few minutes an update on how wild and unruly it is…I don’t care if he’s Prince Harry. I don’t want to hear it. Give him some actual characterization already and leave his hair alone! It’s probably going to fall out in the next ten years anyway.
 |
| Pictured: Prince Harry. Most people's cup of tea. |
Where was I?
Oh, right. The book.
Jacob…er…Jose and Christian don’t like each other after just one look. That’s it. No more. They hate each other. But they do the photo shoot.
I have this in my notes: “everyone is still murmuring and muttering. doesn't anyone just talk in this book?”
So, the murmuring and muttering. No one “says” a word. They murmur, mutter, mumble, whisper, choke, shout, caress, taste, but no actual talking in an understandable way. I’m just going to go out on a limb and say that there would be a lot fewer misunderstandings later on in the book if everyone would just “say” something now and then. And while I hate it when an author has their characters “say” a question rather than “ask,” I have never faulted an author for just letting their characters talk. I read a book a few months ago where all the characters “chuckled” out their words, no matter how inappropriate a chuckle would be with said words, but I never felt like shouting “Mumbler!” at them.
Moving on.
So, Christian asks Ana out to coffee despite the fact that Ana doesn’t drink coffee (sorry, no tea or frappuccino for you!), and she says yes, but then Kate goes all mother bear on her and is like, “He’s dangerous for a girl like you.” and “like you” means “a virgin” because going for coffee means having sex immediately afterwards, perhaps even in the bathroom while drinking the coffee.
I have this in my notes: “okay, no one has even held her hand? has she been in a convent or a cult for the last twenty-two years?” This is what the narration says. No one has held her hand.
A few more notes:
“how do you gaze at someone through your lashes? do you have to squint? wouldn't that be unattractive?
i'm so glad i know the table they're sitting at is birch veneer! i'd hate to be under the impression that it's real walnut or pine!
he wonders why she's so repressed and uncomfortable around him. probably because he's the only one to ever make her feel sexually attracted to anyone.
she's always blushing.
so, he asks her if she has a boyfriend, and if she's uncomfortable around men, and all this, but she asks him if he has a girlfriend, and then she gets embarrassed?
and he doesn't do the girlfriend thing.
of course she almost falls into the street.
he saves her and they embrace, and she wants to be kissed for the first time.
no one said lust made sense.”
And that’s the end of the chapter.
Chapter four
Christian warns Ana away from him. He’d just be no good for her and he can’t give her what she wants. So no to sex then? Then he goes on and on about what could have happened in the bicyclist had hit her, she could have been seriously injured or something, and he just “shudders to think” what could have happened. It’s just…the most insane rejection I’ve ever read, coming from a character who is going out of his way to put himself in the presence of this woman, which reads to me that he’s emotionally unstable and she’s better off without him.
Well done, Ana. Good job of dodging that bullet. Next thing you know, he’ll be trying to run your life. (note from the future: there is no way to get him to stop running her life.)
She finally thinks of the guys she’s rejected in the past, and she wonders if they’ve ever felt this way about her. Well, in her defense, she’s never asked them out, shot off probing questions at them, and then told them to stay away from her. And now I’m mad because I’m defending her, but come on. There’s a huge difference between leading someone on and telling someone no.
Ana decides to get drunk, which she’s apparently never done before. Before she gets her drink on, though, there’s a delivery of books for her—several first edition books from the 1800’s—from Christian of course. This is how he gets her to stay away? Is this supposed to be sexy?
At the bar, Jose says, “Dios mio.” I counter with, “!Hijole!” Ana is apparently countering with “Reposado.”
Guacatelas.
Ana eventually becomes so inebriated that she decides to drunk dial Christian because that’s what anyone who got drunk would do, and no I’m not saying that sarcastically. This is why you leave your phone at home when you’re mad at someone and decide to get drunk. There is no way this can end badly.
What’s horrible here is not that Ana drunk-dials Christian. I mean, that’s normal. What’s horrible is his reaction. He gets all upset, and then RUNS DOWN TO THE DAMN BAR TO GET ANA BEFORE SHE CAN HURT HERSELF BECAUSE SHE IS THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE WORLD TO EVER GET DRUNK AND HAVE TO RELY ON THE GOODNESS OF HER FRIENDS TO GET HER HOME.
This is so ridiculous. I cannot find this man attractive. He is overbearing and controlling and high-handed and so very, very sanctimonious and I just don’t get the attraction. There is no way that this man is anything other than annoying and to be avoided at all costs. He is not sexy or protective. This is not what you want in a man, ladies. If you are dating someone and they treat you like this, run!
He tells her that her being drunk is “beyond the pale.” Yes, he says that without any hint of irony. He also decides to spin her around the dance floor after he found her puking in the bushes, which just goes to show that he’s as stupid about her safety as she is. Jeez. What kind of idiot does this?
So, she faints.
Chapter six
Ana wakes up in Christian’s hotel room, in his bed, and then gets a huge lecture about responsibility and getting drunk and thanks a lot, Dad! Then he says that if she were “his,” she wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week. Thanks again, Dad! Time to cut those apron strings. She is so much better off without him and why oh WHY am I on Ana’s side? Good lord I hate this book!
He makes her take a shower and then scolds her for having damp hair because that’s how you catch a cold, doncha know. It has nothing to do with germs and viruses, just cold hair. You know what, Christian? She’s survived twenty two years without you ordering her around, I’m sure she can survive a whole lot longer.
Ana’s all concerned about waking up in his bed, and Christian writes that off quickly. He won’t touch her without written consent. This is not creepy in any way.
So, Christian went all Richard Gere in Pretty Woman on the breakfast items, and then starts scolding Ana for not eating much. He hates wasted food. Maybe he should have thought of that before ordering one of everything from the breakfast menu. It’s so nice to see that the plagiarism ideals Cassie Claire started all those years ago are still running strong. The only reason I can see for him ordering so much is so that he can yell at Ana when she wastes food, and then to keep her from seeing through his straw man, he starts scolding her for not eating before she got drunk the night before.
 |
| I wasn't sure what you would like, so I orderd one of everything. OMG, why aren't you eating it all you wasteful bitch! |
If Christian is really upset about how Ana was the night before, then he should have just let her be. Blaming her because he’s a controlling sociopath who has a desire to own and control the lives of other people is not a decision based in logic. It makes no sense, and he is in essence blaming someone else for his own mistake.
THIS IS NOT SEXY! THIS DOES NOT EVEN LOOK LIKE SEXY! THIS DOES NOT BELONG IN THE SAME ROOM WITH SEXY! IT IS TO SEXY WHAT A HAWK IS TO A HANDSAW!
So, they go down in the elevator and make out. He holds her hands over her head the entire kiss so she can’t touch him. See above.
More to come.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Book Review: Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor
I'm just going to come out and say that while this book is brilliant and unpredictable, it just wasn't my thing. And that's odd because I'm all about the fantasy genre. I support this book, I am glad this book was made, I think the author must be wonderful, but through the book, I just kept waiting for the end. After my questions were answered, "Who is Karou?" "What is Karou?" "What are the teeth for?", I lost interest. Those were the only things keeping me going, and then I was like, "Okay, good times. Thanks. Off to the fourth Green Rider book for me." It was very odd, because I feel that I really am part of the intended audience for this book, but we can't all like everything. There have been plenty of things that I've seen or read or heard where I've said, "This is a masterpiece, but I really don't care to see any more."
Okay, onto the rest. Karou is an excellent character, capable of taking care of herself and living her own life, which she does. She was raised by Chimeras, who are part human, part animal, and she enters their world through a doorway that works as a portal between the worlds. Her "family" deals in wishes and teeth, and it's every bit as weird as it sounds.
Karou currently lives in Prague in her own apartment, and she's been pretty much "on her own" her whole life (typical YA heroine, but that's to be expected), and visits the otherworld pretty frequently. She often goes to barter for teeth in other countries, which she uses the portal to get in and out of. Even though she has blue hair (a wish, not a natural thing), is well-traveled and knows many languages (more wishes, not a natural aptitude), she's not an annoying person.
Conflict of course comes, and I won't spoil the book for anyone, but Karou must bear the conflict and find out all of the answers to her questions: who is she? What is she? What are the teeth for?
It really was an excellent book, but there was a lot that didn't hold me. I guess that since I'm no longer a teenager, someone living on their own at a young age doesn't really appeal to me, nor does being an art student, staying out really late, having an ex-boyfriend to prank, or going to an uber-cool restaurant for goulash. If I were a teenager, I'd probably have been eating it all up, but as a single thirty-something with a career and responsibilities, Karou's life seems empty and sad to me. When the action started, though, I was really riveted. But then I got to the end, with a very clear cliffhanger, and I was able to shrug and put it away and move onto other books.
Okay, onto the rest. Karou is an excellent character, capable of taking care of herself and living her own life, which she does. She was raised by Chimeras, who are part human, part animal, and she enters their world through a doorway that works as a portal between the worlds. Her "family" deals in wishes and teeth, and it's every bit as weird as it sounds.
Karou currently lives in Prague in her own apartment, and she's been pretty much "on her own" her whole life (typical YA heroine, but that's to be expected), and visits the otherworld pretty frequently. She often goes to barter for teeth in other countries, which she uses the portal to get in and out of. Even though she has blue hair (a wish, not a natural thing), is well-traveled and knows many languages (more wishes, not a natural aptitude), she's not an annoying person.
Conflict of course comes, and I won't spoil the book for anyone, but Karou must bear the conflict and find out all of the answers to her questions: who is she? What is she? What are the teeth for?
It really was an excellent book, but there was a lot that didn't hold me. I guess that since I'm no longer a teenager, someone living on their own at a young age doesn't really appeal to me, nor does being an art student, staying out really late, having an ex-boyfriend to prank, or going to an uber-cool restaurant for goulash. If I were a teenager, I'd probably have been eating it all up, but as a single thirty-something with a career and responsibilities, Karou's life seems empty and sad to me. When the action started, though, I was really riveted. But then I got to the end, with a very clear cliffhanger, and I was able to shrug and put it away and move onto other books.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Book Review: The Girl of Fire and Thorns by Rae Carson
Okay, so I'm going to start a little different. I have no idea if this author is religious or not, but I'm guessing she is, and I'm guessing she's some sort of orthodox--either Eastern or Roman--and religion is totally a focal point in this book. If you thought CS Lewis's allegory was a little obvious, you will think Carson downright heavy-handed. However, I have said before and I will say again that books with actual religious views and backgrounds are totally awesome to me, and I love how authors can incorporate and think of ways for their characters to be superstitious.
Okay, onto the book.
The main character is Lucero-Elisa, who was chosen shortly after her birth to be some sort of great person, as God marks her with a Godstone; a jewel in her bellybutton that countless others througout the ages, every hundred years, have also carried. The problem is that no one actually tries to help Elisa become great. They just leave her to her own devices, and her only companions are older maids who are sweet and everything, but a young girl needs more than that. Elisa turns to food for companionship, and as a result is very heavy and getting heavier every year. Elisa also has a favorite book, The Belleza Guerra, which seems to be an Art of War-meets-Machiavelli sort of book. She quotes it constantly, and every time she does, I'm reminded of Lilo and her assertions about Elvis being a model Hawaiian citizen. I mean, that's how sweet and innocent this character is.
Naturally, she can't stay that way. Princesses have to marry princes or kings, and Elisa is no different. Her father and older sister arrange a marriage on her sixteenth birthday to a king of a neighboring land, and Elisa suddenly finds herself in a different country with all new foods.
Now, Elisa is much different than me. I'm heavy, but Elisa seems to be morbidly obese. She's totally got Such A Pretty Face syndrome, and while I'm on the subject, thank you Rae Carson for a character who is dark haired, dark eyed and dark skinned! And even thank you for making her fat. I just...I'm not like that. I'm heavy, but I don't eat in front of people, and Elisa seems to have no problem with that. She eats, and then she goes back for more, and then she visits the kitchen in the middle of the day and night and afternoon and elevenses. I squirrel away food, particularly sweets, and eat it when no one can see. I know that everyone is different, but most of the fat people I know don't like opening themselves to ridicule by eating out loud like that. Elisa is really pathetic where food is concerned, and while I loved her descriptions of honeyed melons and sugared date balls and scones of all sorts, I started thinking that food is less of a comfort to her and more of an addiction. And that's okay, I just wish there had been more of her eating normally in public and then sneaking off to somewhere else to really dig in and get her "fix".
Now, Elisa's Godstone is sort of in the background in the beginning, but such a thing can't stay hidden. In her new country, King Alejandro decides to keep his marriage to Elisa hidden, and tells her not to reveal her Godstone to anyone. Elisa sort of flounders at this and actually gets proactive and writes her sister a note, and her sister answers and says basically, that if Elisa wants to be queen, she has to make herself queen.
So Elisa hides in her bedroom and eats herself silly.
And I walk into the book and smack her upside the head and shout, "Wake up you idiot!"
The good news is that Elisa begins to proactively attempt to learn more about her Godstone and learns that her sect believes that a Bearer can know nothing about it beforehand, otherwise their service will be tainted, while the sect she is currently in believes in training people. However, Ximena, Elisa's nurse, turns out to be a guardian in Elisa's sect, so Elisa can only do so much while she's around. The father of the temple gives Elisa three Godstones that fell out of their Bearers after they died, and Elisa is left to ponder them...but not for too long because of course she's kidnapped.
Now, I've read books where the heroine starts out heavy and then loses weight for whatever reason, but I've also only read one (1) book where the heroine started out heavy and remained heavy (Hi, Jenny Crusie!). I don't know why an author can't just be okay with the fact that her character is heavy. Now, in this case, Elisa is morbidly obese. She can't walk up a flight of steps without getting tired, and she can't go for an hour without eating. She has a pavlovian response to food and absolutely zero coping mechanisms, so I'm okay with her transformation. Particularly since the transformation, while physical, is mostly mental. Elise enters the desert a squishy creature with no discernable skeletal structure and emerges with a backbone firmly in place. It takes months and it's heartbreaking for her. But finally, finally, she sheds her skin and is transformed. Her obsession with food is still firmly in place, but it starts taking a backseat to her obsession with learning about people. Not from a book or from a place of superiority over them, but as an equal to them. She starts learning how to make friends by being a friend and how to get respect by giving it. She also learns what it means to be a part of a community, and that being a ruler means knowing your people. Lastly, she learns what love really is, and that she can't live without it.
In fairy tales, transformation happens usually in a forest, but for Elisa, she must enter the desert. She even starts learning more about the Godstone (oh yeah, that) and how to use it to save her people.
In all, I was very happy with this story, though it is more "young" than "adult". There are going to be two more books, but I'm not sure if I'll read them. Not that this book wasn't enjoyable, but I'm not sure I can handle Elisa again. I'm glad she transformed, but she started out the book a virgin bride, and she ended a virgin bride. Sure, I get that her husband wasn't all that, and that she fell in love with someone else, she's been through a huge transformation both physical and mental, and I don't think she should have just hopped into bed with Alejandro at the first chance she got, but...it would have given her that last edge. That last facet. She ends being just a virgin who can't drive. And just because I railed against this in Branded by Taylor Keary, I want to say that I don't think people should just go and have sex. I'm in the third Green Rider book, ad Karigan still hasn't lost her virginity, but since there is no emphasis for her on sexual relations, and because she's disinterested in being with anyone other than the guy she is not currently romantically involved in, it doesn't bother me. In both Branded and this book, there is an undercurrent of the heroine just allowing stuff to happen to her rather than her happening to stuff, and sexuality is one of those things that both heroines turn off. Karigan by contrast is very capable of reaching out and taking what she wants, but she stops herself not because she is embarrassed by sex, or because she's not ready, but because she doesn't want to. Both Elisa and Jessica seem to want to have sex, but are embarrassed by it, or shamed by it, or ashamed of their bodies, or whatever is stopping them. In fact, Elisa gets a little mean with Alejandro, and yes, he's not really a likable character, I just wish she had taken more control of the situation in a firmer way. She's a strong heroine in many ways, but in some important ways, she flounders and...again, I'm not sure I care to read more.
Overall, I'll give it a B.
Edit: I almost forgot. In regards to Elisa and her Godstone, there are all sorts of people after her. One of the sects of the church feels that Elisa is not important, but her Godstone is. Alejandro clearly thinks she can use it to help him lead the war that is coming. The people who kidnap Elisa believe that the Godstone will help them win the war that they are already in the thick of, and the people who are bringing the war think that Elisa will help them prevail. Everyone says that it's the will of God. This, that, the other thing, is the will of God. Except Elisa. She is the only person who shows doubt, and she discusses her doubt both internally and with a Father that she has befriended. She doesn't know the will of God, and at times even doubts His existence. This is pretty awesome coming from someone with a supernatural stone stuck in her bellybutton. I loved her doubts because it made her a real character, and it also held up a mirror, so to speak, for my own beliefs to challenge me on them. (Again, there is religion in this book, so you're either okay with that or you're not.)
Okay, onto the book.
The main character is Lucero-Elisa, who was chosen shortly after her birth to be some sort of great person, as God marks her with a Godstone; a jewel in her bellybutton that countless others througout the ages, every hundred years, have also carried. The problem is that no one actually tries to help Elisa become great. They just leave her to her own devices, and her only companions are older maids who are sweet and everything, but a young girl needs more than that. Elisa turns to food for companionship, and as a result is very heavy and getting heavier every year. Elisa also has a favorite book, The Belleza Guerra, which seems to be an Art of War-meets-Machiavelli sort of book. She quotes it constantly, and every time she does, I'm reminded of Lilo and her assertions about Elvis being a model Hawaiian citizen. I mean, that's how sweet and innocent this character is.
Naturally, she can't stay that way. Princesses have to marry princes or kings, and Elisa is no different. Her father and older sister arrange a marriage on her sixteenth birthday to a king of a neighboring land, and Elisa suddenly finds herself in a different country with all new foods.
Now, Elisa is much different than me. I'm heavy, but Elisa seems to be morbidly obese. She's totally got Such A Pretty Face syndrome, and while I'm on the subject, thank you Rae Carson for a character who is dark haired, dark eyed and dark skinned! And even thank you for making her fat. I just...I'm not like that. I'm heavy, but I don't eat in front of people, and Elisa seems to have no problem with that. She eats, and then she goes back for more, and then she visits the kitchen in the middle of the day and night and afternoon and elevenses. I squirrel away food, particularly sweets, and eat it when no one can see. I know that everyone is different, but most of the fat people I know don't like opening themselves to ridicule by eating out loud like that. Elisa is really pathetic where food is concerned, and while I loved her descriptions of honeyed melons and sugared date balls and scones of all sorts, I started thinking that food is less of a comfort to her and more of an addiction. And that's okay, I just wish there had been more of her eating normally in public and then sneaking off to somewhere else to really dig in and get her "fix".
Now, Elisa's Godstone is sort of in the background in the beginning, but such a thing can't stay hidden. In her new country, King Alejandro decides to keep his marriage to Elisa hidden, and tells her not to reveal her Godstone to anyone. Elisa sort of flounders at this and actually gets proactive and writes her sister a note, and her sister answers and says basically, that if Elisa wants to be queen, she has to make herself queen.
So Elisa hides in her bedroom and eats herself silly.
And I walk into the book and smack her upside the head and shout, "Wake up you idiot!"
The good news is that Elisa begins to proactively attempt to learn more about her Godstone and learns that her sect believes that a Bearer can know nothing about it beforehand, otherwise their service will be tainted, while the sect she is currently in believes in training people. However, Ximena, Elisa's nurse, turns out to be a guardian in Elisa's sect, so Elisa can only do so much while she's around. The father of the temple gives Elisa three Godstones that fell out of their Bearers after they died, and Elisa is left to ponder them...but not for too long because of course she's kidnapped.
Now, I've read books where the heroine starts out heavy and then loses weight for whatever reason, but I've also only read one (1) book where the heroine started out heavy and remained heavy (Hi, Jenny Crusie!). I don't know why an author can't just be okay with the fact that her character is heavy. Now, in this case, Elisa is morbidly obese. She can't walk up a flight of steps without getting tired, and she can't go for an hour without eating. She has a pavlovian response to food and absolutely zero coping mechanisms, so I'm okay with her transformation. Particularly since the transformation, while physical, is mostly mental. Elise enters the desert a squishy creature with no discernable skeletal structure and emerges with a backbone firmly in place. It takes months and it's heartbreaking for her. But finally, finally, she sheds her skin and is transformed. Her obsession with food is still firmly in place, but it starts taking a backseat to her obsession with learning about people. Not from a book or from a place of superiority over them, but as an equal to them. She starts learning how to make friends by being a friend and how to get respect by giving it. She also learns what it means to be a part of a community, and that being a ruler means knowing your people. Lastly, she learns what love really is, and that she can't live without it.
In fairy tales, transformation happens usually in a forest, but for Elisa, she must enter the desert. She even starts learning more about the Godstone (oh yeah, that) and how to use it to save her people.
In all, I was very happy with this story, though it is more "young" than "adult". There are going to be two more books, but I'm not sure if I'll read them. Not that this book wasn't enjoyable, but I'm not sure I can handle Elisa again. I'm glad she transformed, but she started out the book a virgin bride, and she ended a virgin bride. Sure, I get that her husband wasn't all that, and that she fell in love with someone else, she's been through a huge transformation both physical and mental, and I don't think she should have just hopped into bed with Alejandro at the first chance she got, but...it would have given her that last edge. That last facet. She ends being just a virgin who can't drive. And just because I railed against this in Branded by Taylor Keary, I want to say that I don't think people should just go and have sex. I'm in the third Green Rider book, ad Karigan still hasn't lost her virginity, but since there is no emphasis for her on sexual relations, and because she's disinterested in being with anyone other than the guy she is not currently romantically involved in, it doesn't bother me. In both Branded and this book, there is an undercurrent of the heroine just allowing stuff to happen to her rather than her happening to stuff, and sexuality is one of those things that both heroines turn off. Karigan by contrast is very capable of reaching out and taking what she wants, but she stops herself not because she is embarrassed by sex, or because she's not ready, but because she doesn't want to. Both Elisa and Jessica seem to want to have sex, but are embarrassed by it, or shamed by it, or ashamed of their bodies, or whatever is stopping them. In fact, Elisa gets a little mean with Alejandro, and yes, he's not really a likable character, I just wish she had taken more control of the situation in a firmer way. She's a strong heroine in many ways, but in some important ways, she flounders and...again, I'm not sure I care to read more.
Overall, I'll give it a B.
Edit: I almost forgot. In regards to Elisa and her Godstone, there are all sorts of people after her. One of the sects of the church feels that Elisa is not important, but her Godstone is. Alejandro clearly thinks she can use it to help him lead the war that is coming. The people who kidnap Elisa believe that the Godstone will help them win the war that they are already in the thick of, and the people who are bringing the war think that Elisa will help them prevail. Everyone says that it's the will of God. This, that, the other thing, is the will of God. Except Elisa. She is the only person who shows doubt, and she discusses her doubt both internally and with a Father that she has befriended. She doesn't know the will of God, and at times even doubts His existence. This is pretty awesome coming from someone with a supernatural stone stuck in her bellybutton. I loved her doubts because it made her a real character, and it also held up a mirror, so to speak, for my own beliefs to challenge me on them. (Again, there is religion in this book, so you're either okay with that or you're not.)
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Book Review: The Green Rider by Kristin Britain
I just need to say first, even though no one reads this blog, that I really enjoyed this book. It was very good, well paced, and interesting. I loved it. I am, however, going to snark a bit on it and compare it to JRR Tolkien, but I do really like this book, and I got the second part of the series on my Kindle, I just haven't started reading it yet.
Okay, so, the main character is Karigan G'ladheon. No, seriously. That name...it seems familiar, doesn't it? Hmm...I don't know. Anyway, Karigan starts out the book on a journey, which I appreciated after reading about three hundred pages of Frodo wandering around the Shire, I was happy to pick up a book where the heroine is already on her way.
The author really made me happy with her pacing here, because I have read a few books (namely Twilight, but a few others) where the heroine is running away from whatever, and keep us in suspense for ages while she angsts about her decision. "Was she doing the right thing? Could she go through with it even though it was endangering everyone she loved? Le sigh!" Karigan keeps us in no suspense. She's running away from school because she got kicked out for having bad grades and beating up a young lordling. Mostly for the beating up a young lordling part. In her defense, he was asking for it. Rather than wait around for her father to come and collect her, Karigan instead decides to just set off for home, alone, without a horse, with very few provisions, and on foot. As you do.
Now, Karigan's reasons are pretty sound for doing this. She maybe should have left a note or told someone, but she's seventeen. Her reasons are that her dad is a merchant, and she doesn't want to take him away from his business while he goes to collect her because she doesn't want to lose him any money, and she's pretty sure she'll do that if he comes after her.
She's just about to turn on the road that will take her home when a Green Rider comes through the trees with two black arrows in his back. He forces her to promise, with his last breaths, to take his message to the king, and gives her everything he has on him for her protection. And now suddenly, Karigan is whisked into a world where magic is real, Eletians (sylvan elves) exist, and a mysterious gray-cloaked man is killing all of the green riders with two arrows to the back. The Green Rider, F'ryan Cobblebay (you can't make this stuff up), also leaves Karigan with his greatest assets; a gold pin that shows a winged horse, and a horse that can run like it's flying. The Horse, as Karigan calls him, quickly becomes my favorite character.
The descriptions, characterizations, and various adventures are really wonderful and very nearly distract from Karigan's meeting with the Tom Bombadil and Goldberry: two spinster sisters called (again, can't make this up) Bayberry and Bunchberry. There's also the Shelob part where a gigantic scorpion-like creature comes out of the woods of Mordor...er, Blackveil. Mornhavon the Black created Blackveil centuries ago in order to rule Sacoridia with dark magic, but the Sacoridians managed to construct a wall to keep him out, and his immortal spirit now dwells in the Blackveil forest. But The Grey Cloaked One (not to be confused with Saruman the White) decided to open the wall, and now creatures are getting out. There's some sort of brand of Orc that I think they called shadowmites, but I can't remember, that go around and fight people, so now that the D'Yer wall has been breached, they're getting out and causing havoc.
Bayberry and Bunchberry give Karigan a "moonstone", a stone that has a captured moonbeam in it, and it lights Karigan's way when she's feeling down, heals her when she's injured, and eventually helps defeat Saruman...er, The Grey One. I mean, I'm not saying that she's necessarily copying Galadriel catching the light of Earendil in a vial of water for Frodo, but come on. It's hard to not compare this book to Lord of the Rings.
Now, one of my biggest issues with LOTR was the pacing. I felt that Tolkien really needed an editor and badly, so I was happy when Karigan managed to deliver the missive to the king before the end of the book (took the One Ring to Mordor...), and I really did enjoy this book. If I had never read LOTR, I would have thought this author was a genius. I still think she's quite clever. She's nowhere near as clunky and contrived as that horrid rip-off, Eragon, but less maybe could have been more. When the giant scorpion came out, I was like, "And there's Shelob."
I think what made this author successful where other authors have failed is that firstly, Kristin Britain did not write a fanfiction. She made her own characters and gave them their own motivations, desires, backstories, and worlds. Even the Mean Evil Baddies have backstories, and I think most authors just go by tropes rather than plots and characters where we're supposed to hate the people they say to hate and like the people they say to like, but Britain gives us the greatest gift writing can give us: not only are the "bad" characters well developed, but in their own world, are "good" characters, rendering Karigan and her side "bad" if you look at the kingdom in the correct light. And the "bad" side, even though some people's motivations were less than pure, had a point. You see, when the old king died, he named his second son as the successor rather than the first. This is not done. Second sons don't get the throne unless the older son dies, that is the way of things. So really, the old king made his second son's life somewhat of a misery. There have been assassination attempts, uprisings, the anti-monarch society, etc. all because the line of succession was thrown out of whack. So taken that way, really, Karigan is in the wrong by serving the king. You see? And those that are trying to make the elder brother king are really in the right. This author does that. And it's brilliant.
I totally have to give this book an A. Even with the not-so-subtle homages to Tolkien, it was excellent and I'm looking forward to finally reading the second saga.
Oh--as a PS. There is no romance in this book. Karigan is a strong woman on her own. Yes.
Edit: I did a google search of "greenrider lotr" and found a lot of other people comparing the two. It's funny how we all have different ideas of who the Tom Bombadil was. One reviewer pointed out a woodsman who appears later on in the book for a brief time and seems to have lived a very long life. I agree that he was a more etheric spirit, but my reasons for thinking that Bayberry and Bunchberry were supposed to be Tom and Goldberry was simply because their showing up towards the beginning and giving Karigan some rest and help made me think of Tom. Someone also pointed out the gigantic eagle who came to Karigan's aid during the gigantic-scorpion-who-is-totally-not-Shelob incident, and I had sort of forgotten about him. In a way he reminded me of Radagast the Brown's eagles, but it's also hard to decide whether Britain was going for more general mythology or Tolkien mythology. Either way, it is a lot like LOTR, but it's also like some other fairy tales where eagles and other large "good" birds come and help. I mean, even CS Lewis had owls helping Eustace and Jill.
So, anyway, all that to say, there are a lot of people comparing the two, but I haven't read anyone who hasn't enjoyed the books so far. This book was seriously excellent, and I hope the second book is more able to stand on its own mythos and not borrow so very heavily from one of the most well-known fantasy books out there.
Another edit: in all fairness, I should point out that I know LOTR is based on The Volsunga Saga and also "Der Ring Des Niebelungenleid", an ancient story told from both the Swedish and German perspectives, (and it's so great because The Volsunga Saga makes Brunnhildr out to be the scorned woman whilst Der Ringe Des Niebelungenleid makes Krimhildt out to be the sympathetic character who is being used as a puppet in her brother's machinations. When you realize that both are contemperaneous, it will blow your mind.) There's a reforging of a father's sword, a cursed ring, two women in love with the same man...er...and that's pretty much it story-wise. Tolkien admitted to borroing heavily from Teutonic mythos, and it's not surprising that his world was called "middle earth" (Midgard), and that there were elves and dwarves...the elves even believe that their kind is waiting in The Halls of Mandos to be reborn, sort of like the slain warriors wait in Valhalla for Ragnarok. Heck, Gandalf's appearance very closely resembles the way Odin cloaks himself when he walks among humans. It really is an excellent representation of how to take existing mythos and make it your own. Likewise, Lois McMaster Bujold will take known historical events and create her own world around them in the same way that George RR Martin is using The War of the Roses to write his Game of Thrones saga. It's sort of like how two families can live in two exact copies of a house, and yet they both look completely different inside.
Okay, so, the main character is Karigan G'ladheon. No, seriously. That name...it seems familiar, doesn't it? Hmm...I don't know. Anyway, Karigan starts out the book on a journey, which I appreciated after reading about three hundred pages of Frodo wandering around the Shire, I was happy to pick up a book where the heroine is already on her way.
The author really made me happy with her pacing here, because I have read a few books (namely Twilight, but a few others) where the heroine is running away from whatever, and keep us in suspense for ages while she angsts about her decision. "Was she doing the right thing? Could she go through with it even though it was endangering everyone she loved? Le sigh!" Karigan keeps us in no suspense. She's running away from school because she got kicked out for having bad grades and beating up a young lordling. Mostly for the beating up a young lordling part. In her defense, he was asking for it. Rather than wait around for her father to come and collect her, Karigan instead decides to just set off for home, alone, without a horse, with very few provisions, and on foot. As you do.
Now, Karigan's reasons are pretty sound for doing this. She maybe should have left a note or told someone, but she's seventeen. Her reasons are that her dad is a merchant, and she doesn't want to take him away from his business while he goes to collect her because she doesn't want to lose him any money, and she's pretty sure she'll do that if he comes after her.
She's just about to turn on the road that will take her home when a Green Rider comes through the trees with two black arrows in his back. He forces her to promise, with his last breaths, to take his message to the king, and gives her everything he has on him for her protection. And now suddenly, Karigan is whisked into a world where magic is real, Eletians (sylvan elves) exist, and a mysterious gray-cloaked man is killing all of the green riders with two arrows to the back. The Green Rider, F'ryan Cobblebay (you can't make this stuff up), also leaves Karigan with his greatest assets; a gold pin that shows a winged horse, and a horse that can run like it's flying. The Horse, as Karigan calls him, quickly becomes my favorite character.
The descriptions, characterizations, and various adventures are really wonderful and very nearly distract from Karigan's meeting with the Tom Bombadil and Goldberry: two spinster sisters called (again, can't make this up) Bayberry and Bunchberry. There's also the Shelob part where a gigantic scorpion-like creature comes out of the woods of Mordor...er, Blackveil. Mornhavon the Black created Blackveil centuries ago in order to rule Sacoridia with dark magic, but the Sacoridians managed to construct a wall to keep him out, and his immortal spirit now dwells in the Blackveil forest. But The Grey Cloaked One (not to be confused with Saruman the White) decided to open the wall, and now creatures are getting out. There's some sort of brand of Orc that I think they called shadowmites, but I can't remember, that go around and fight people, so now that the D'Yer wall has been breached, they're getting out and causing havoc.
Bayberry and Bunchberry give Karigan a "moonstone", a stone that has a captured moonbeam in it, and it lights Karigan's way when she's feeling down, heals her when she's injured, and eventually helps defeat Saruman...er, The Grey One. I mean, I'm not saying that she's necessarily copying Galadriel catching the light of Earendil in a vial of water for Frodo, but come on. It's hard to not compare this book to Lord of the Rings.
Now, one of my biggest issues with LOTR was the pacing. I felt that Tolkien really needed an editor and badly, so I was happy when Karigan managed to deliver the missive to the king before the end of the book (took the One Ring to Mordor...), and I really did enjoy this book. If I had never read LOTR, I would have thought this author was a genius. I still think she's quite clever. She's nowhere near as clunky and contrived as that horrid rip-off, Eragon, but less maybe could have been more. When the giant scorpion came out, I was like, "And there's Shelob."
I think what made this author successful where other authors have failed is that firstly, Kristin Britain did not write a fanfiction. She made her own characters and gave them their own motivations, desires, backstories, and worlds. Even the Mean Evil Baddies have backstories, and I think most authors just go by tropes rather than plots and characters where we're supposed to hate the people they say to hate and like the people they say to like, but Britain gives us the greatest gift writing can give us: not only are the "bad" characters well developed, but in their own world, are "good" characters, rendering Karigan and her side "bad" if you look at the kingdom in the correct light. And the "bad" side, even though some people's motivations were less than pure, had a point. You see, when the old king died, he named his second son as the successor rather than the first. This is not done. Second sons don't get the throne unless the older son dies, that is the way of things. So really, the old king made his second son's life somewhat of a misery. There have been assassination attempts, uprisings, the anti-monarch society, etc. all because the line of succession was thrown out of whack. So taken that way, really, Karigan is in the wrong by serving the king. You see? And those that are trying to make the elder brother king are really in the right. This author does that. And it's brilliant.
I totally have to give this book an A. Even with the not-so-subtle homages to Tolkien, it was excellent and I'm looking forward to finally reading the second saga.
Oh--as a PS. There is no romance in this book. Karigan is a strong woman on her own. Yes.
Edit: I did a google search of "greenrider lotr" and found a lot of other people comparing the two. It's funny how we all have different ideas of who the Tom Bombadil was. One reviewer pointed out a woodsman who appears later on in the book for a brief time and seems to have lived a very long life. I agree that he was a more etheric spirit, but my reasons for thinking that Bayberry and Bunchberry were supposed to be Tom and Goldberry was simply because their showing up towards the beginning and giving Karigan some rest and help made me think of Tom. Someone also pointed out the gigantic eagle who came to Karigan's aid during the gigantic-scorpion-who-is-totally-not-Shelob incident, and I had sort of forgotten about him. In a way he reminded me of Radagast the Brown's eagles, but it's also hard to decide whether Britain was going for more general mythology or Tolkien mythology. Either way, it is a lot like LOTR, but it's also like some other fairy tales where eagles and other large "good" birds come and help. I mean, even CS Lewis had owls helping Eustace and Jill.
So, anyway, all that to say, there are a lot of people comparing the two, but I haven't read anyone who hasn't enjoyed the books so far. This book was seriously excellent, and I hope the second book is more able to stand on its own mythos and not borrow so very heavily from one of the most well-known fantasy books out there.
Another edit: in all fairness, I should point out that I know LOTR is based on The Volsunga Saga and also "Der Ring Des Niebelungenleid", an ancient story told from both the Swedish and German perspectives, (and it's so great because The Volsunga Saga makes Brunnhildr out to be the scorned woman whilst Der Ringe Des Niebelungenleid makes Krimhildt out to be the sympathetic character who is being used as a puppet in her brother's machinations. When you realize that both are contemperaneous, it will blow your mind.) There's a reforging of a father's sword, a cursed ring, two women in love with the same man...er...and that's pretty much it story-wise. Tolkien admitted to borroing heavily from Teutonic mythos, and it's not surprising that his world was called "middle earth" (Midgard), and that there were elves and dwarves...the elves even believe that their kind is waiting in The Halls of Mandos to be reborn, sort of like the slain warriors wait in Valhalla for Ragnarok. Heck, Gandalf's appearance very closely resembles the way Odin cloaks himself when he walks among humans. It really is an excellent representation of how to take existing mythos and make it your own. Likewise, Lois McMaster Bujold will take known historical events and create her own world around them in the same way that George RR Martin is using The War of the Roses to write his Game of Thrones saga. It's sort of like how two families can live in two exact copies of a house, and yet they both look completely different inside.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Book Review: Branded by Taylor Keary
Branded is the first book in a series on angels, and since Ethereal was about Nephilim, I felt this was a good second book to review.
Branded is nothing like Ethereal. Ethereal has its roots firmly in The Big Three religions--Muslims, Christians and Jews will recognize a good deal of the ideology behind Ethereal, but none of us will really embrace Branded as its depictions of angels and the afterlife do not link in with any of the Big three. Branded follows a more karmic ideology. Angels were once people, and now stand in judgement of people. Judgement weighs your good deeds with your bad deeds. In the end, you are either exalted or condemned. In the Torah and Bible (I'm also assuming in the Koran, but I've never read it, so...) it is clear that angels and humans are different species, and that angels do not judge, but YHWH is the only judge. I only bring this up because there are some things that this godless system leaves out that The Big Three all have in common, such as sanctification, forgiveness of sins, and a righteous judge who does not think like a man. I feel that if an author is writing a mythos that goes directly against thousands of years of religious text that spans across at least three religions, the author is obligated to explain their mythos. I mean, Tolkien did it for crying out loud, you'd think anyone else would have no difficulty. One of my favorite authors, Lois McMaster-Bujold always explains her mythos to the reader, the gods involved, the beliefs of the people. It makes for a well-rounded book that is enjoyable and deep.
That being said, I really enjoyed Branded. It was a page-turner, and it was a very unique book, something that you just don't find everywhere. It was a bit predictable, and it had the obligatory heroine who absolutely cannot live without the guy she falls in love with, and they can't have sex for whatever reason (and this continues in the second book to the frustration of all because it's never explained why they're not having sex. Again, an explanation of the mythos we're following here would really help, because I don't really see premarital sex pinging high on the radar where Karma is involved.), but it also has a lot of other stuff that is very good.
Jessica has dreams whenever she sleeps that she is standing in place of someone about to be judged. No one has ever believed Jessica, despite the fact that there is an X branded on her neck, and she has wings etched into her back. Apparently this started when she was five, so I'm kind of curious as to why her parents never believed her. I know you can get body modifications younger than 18, but I've never heard of a tattoo parlor shady enough to do branding on a five-year-old.
Finally, Jessica meets Alex who is wonderful and beautiful and perfect and everything she'd hoped he'd be, and she tells him about the dreams. He doesn't say if he believes her or not, but he tries to be understanding. Alex is also fabulously wealthy because of course he is. He also has a lot of restraint where his sex organs are concerned and never has sex with Jessica no matter how much they love each other because they're trying to be "good." Good how? Good...in a Karmic way? Good because the religious texts of the Big Three expect you to abstain (if you're a woman)? It doesn't make sense.
There's another guy who wants Jessica, and he has dark hair and dark eyes and looks a whole heck of a lot like the angels who judge Jessica every time she sleeps, only she never puts two-and-two together, and I just have to stop here and remind everyone how much I really dislike the fact that the "good" boyfriend in YA fiction is always the one who is closer to exhibiting all of the proper traits that Hitler expected from his Jungen, whereas the "bad" boyfriend is always dark. What does this say about our society? In the wake of the horrible tweets about Rue and Cinna in The Hunger Games being portrayed by African-American actors even though Rue is supposed to be dark-skinned and all Cinna is ever described as is having hazel eyes (Lenny Kravitz) and close-cropped brown hair (Lenny Kravitz), this is really worrying to me. If anything, in this day and age, YA fiction should be more inclusive to GLBT, and all races, and I feel that they have an obligation to portray these things in a positive light. I'm not saying I think this author is a bad person or that she did a bad job, I'm just saying that like a lot of other people, she is equating good Aryan looks with goodness and dark, un-WASPish looks with violence and negativity. She has a chance as an author to make a difference with these prejudices and preconceived notions, and I do applaud that in the second book, a dark-skinned man falls for a light-skinned woman, but she's been in an abusive relationship that she just skips out of without any last effects, so that's another rant.
Anyway, the other guy is clearly a "condemned" angel (they all get dark eyes, whereas the exalted angels get blue eyes...I mean, it's getting ridiculous here.)
Left: What you think Jesus looked like. Right: What Jesus more than likely actually looked like. Also, Hello Oded Fehr. Where have you been all my blog?
So, you know how it will end, with Alex and Jessica together and Evil!Angel Cole vanquished back to "hell", but the best part of this book is really that it's not what you think it is. You will never guess where it's going...I mean it when I say it was a page-turner.
The second book, Forsaken, was not nearly as good, but it was still riveting. Overall, I give this book a B+.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Breaking Dawn Book Review: Abortion is not a Democracy
If you don't know that Breaking Dawn is the last book of the Twilight saga, then congratulations. You sort of win at life.
Like all of the Twilight books, BD centers around Bella, her perfect, super-human, absolutely wonderful, god-like boyfriend Edward and his incredible, amazing, perfect, beautiful family. In BD, however, Bella and Edward finally get married and get to have sparkley sex. Yay! Or...ew?
The book opens with Alice, Edward's pixie-like fashionista sister planning Bella's wedding. To the last minim. Because it's not like Bella has a mom who'd probably like to be involved with the wedding planning. No, everyone is kept in the dark, and Bella even has to undergo her dress fittings while her eyes are closed so she can be completely surprised on her wedding day. You know, as brides are wont to do. What bride wants to be bogged down with all that planning, anyway? It's so much work.
We learn that Charlie, Bella's human, fallible, somewhat stupid (in her opinion) father who can't possibly measure up to the Cullens, is still unhappy about the marriage but determined to see it through because he loves Bella. I grew up with a father who looked at my life as the exact same as his life with no distinctions between the two, and who would not hesitate to make the world's most gigantic stink if I ever married in a way that he disaproved of, so I sort of hate Bella for the way she treats her dad. She never looks at her relationship with Edward through her father's eyes. I mean, she ended up in the hospital for days after Edward lied about her "falling down the stairs." Charlie is a police chief. There have to be some domestic abuse situations going on in his town. He has to have heard the "fell down the stairs" excuse a hundred times. And let's not even get into New Moon when Bella's break-up caused her to go practically catatonic with depression. Bella has a dad who cares, and she doesn't care, and I could just scratch her eyes out for it.
Bella also complains about the car Edward bought for her. Because teenaged girls just hate when their boyfriends buy cars for them. It's too flashy, too visible. It's a testament to Bella's human fallibility, a monument to her weakness, her smallness, her mortality. Bella finds the car annoying for these reasons, and yet she overlooks her boyfriend's controlling ways because she's in lurve with him and they're perfect for each other and she can't live without him. These are not reasons to get married. They are reasons to seek counselling.
After the wedding, which is huge and lavish and fablablablah...
Look, I'm going to be honest: if I decide to get married (rather than moving to Spain and taking a string of international lovers, that is), I will admit that I won't care much about the ceremony and that I am like Bella in that regard (please, God, let me find a guy who wants a TARDIS chuppah!). I would probably either have a very small ceremony with just the necessary friends and family, or elope at the Star Trek Adventure. But that doesn't mean, if I had to have a huge wedding because of other reasons (maybe I'm going to marry a Public Figure? LOL) ,that I wouldn't have opinions about it, or want to see my own tastes implemented. Bella has no opinion. This is because Bella has no interests outside of Edward. Her wedding ends up being photogenic and perfect with everyone and everything in the exact right place at the exact right time. The wedding is every bit as boring as Bella and Edward, and they were in exactly zero control of any of it.
Anyway, then they move onto their honeymoon in South America, and that's where things get interesting. I mean, Alice packed tampons for Bella (Alice packed the honeymoon clothes, too. Because there's no reason in Helheim that Bella would want a comfy pair of jeans and a baggy sweater or T-shirt. No, just lingerie.), but apparently forgot to pack condoms for Edward because Bells gets knocked up.
Now, the entire series, Bella has been in mortal danger of the universe imploding on her at any second, and the only person who is qualified to save her is Edward. We are told throughout the entire series that Bella is ineffectual, stupid, weak, clumsy, unattractive, and just all-around not a good human being. But Bella figures out that she's preggy and she is the one who steps up to the plate while Edward has some crazy existential crisis. He moans about how he's a monster and he's sullied his sweet Bella and he's ruined their lives and oh, oh, ohhhhhh....life is just going to end! It's just going to be horrid! Help!
Bella in the meantime, is bonding with her baby. Her "nudger" as she calls it (come on, that's adorkable). It nudges her because it's growing at an alarming rate and she can already feel it. She is also calling the Cullens in order to make arrangements for going home, packing, and basically keeping her shit together. Looking back on the series, this is how Bella has always been. All of the stuff that Edward has done to keep Bella "safe" ends up backfiring on him (like going to Phoenix in T, or breaking up in NM, or the huge fight in E...), but Bella always manages to be strong and pull herself through. But Edward is always lauded as the saviour...
I don't know, all I can say is that SMeyers' is messed up and it comes out in her writing.
Anyway, they go home and the POV switches from Bella to Jacob because Bella is gestating CullenSpawn, and said spawn is killing her from the inside out.
So, here is the worst part for me. The absolute worst part. Jacob and Edward communally decide that Bella needs an abortion. Because abortion is a democracy. If you get pregnant, there will be a panel to decide if you can keep the baby.
I know there are pro-aborters who would totally try to talk Bella into having an abortion no matter what, and that there are anti-aborters who would talk Bella into having the baby no matter what, but neither group would be right. This is Bella's choice. She's not some unwed mother in the 1950's whose parents have the state-sanctioned right to 'send her away' for a year. She's a married woman. It is her life at stake and no one else's, therefore it is her decision to make. She knows that she can die, but her baby's life is more important than her own to her. I can't tell her she's wrong. But Edward will try. And he gets Jacob on his side.
"I would even let her have puppies," Edward says to Jacob, indicating that he'd 'share' Bella with Jacob because IVF does not exist in the Cullenverse. Jacob imagines a world where he 'gets' Bella on the weekends and Edward 'gets' her the rest of the week. Because women don't care who they have sex with apparently. Also, women are property to be lent out at the will of the owner.
I just...I can't with this woman.
The thing is, if Edward had just done as Bella had asked at the beginning (you know, taken her feelings and desires into account rather than just his own) and turned her into a vampire before all of this, Bella never would have gotten pregnant and they could have shagged happliy ever after. Edward's refusal to listen to Bella's wants and needs caused this issue in the first place. This relationship is so destructive and selfish that it's layered like a really stinky, rotten onion.
I like Jacob's reactions to stuff, and I even sort of like that Edward can read his thoughts. These two really have a much better, more equal relationship (at this point, but that will all change) and are totally better suited to each other than Bella and Edward. Jacob would never put up with Edward's navel-gazing, and Edward would never feel superior to Jacob for being bigger and stronger, and therefore his ego would be tempered. But alas! When you are a Mormon writer banging out a Mormon allegory, there can be no Ho!Yay! in Mormon territory. Not even Bromance. Edward and Jacob must be rivals or that would just be too gay.
Anyway, end of the second part, and I'll save the rest for later.
Like all of the Twilight books, BD centers around Bella, her perfect, super-human, absolutely wonderful, god-like boyfriend Edward and his incredible, amazing, perfect, beautiful family. In BD, however, Bella and Edward finally get married and get to have sparkley sex. Yay! Or...ew?
The book opens with Alice, Edward's pixie-like fashionista sister planning Bella's wedding. To the last minim. Because it's not like Bella has a mom who'd probably like to be involved with the wedding planning. No, everyone is kept in the dark, and Bella even has to undergo her dress fittings while her eyes are closed so she can be completely surprised on her wedding day. You know, as brides are wont to do. What bride wants to be bogged down with all that planning, anyway? It's so much work.
We learn that Charlie, Bella's human, fallible, somewhat stupid (in her opinion) father who can't possibly measure up to the Cullens, is still unhappy about the marriage but determined to see it through because he loves Bella. I grew up with a father who looked at my life as the exact same as his life with no distinctions between the two, and who would not hesitate to make the world's most gigantic stink if I ever married in a way that he disaproved of, so I sort of hate Bella for the way she treats her dad. She never looks at her relationship with Edward through her father's eyes. I mean, she ended up in the hospital for days after Edward lied about her "falling down the stairs." Charlie is a police chief. There have to be some domestic abuse situations going on in his town. He has to have heard the "fell down the stairs" excuse a hundred times. And let's not even get into New Moon when Bella's break-up caused her to go practically catatonic with depression. Bella has a dad who cares, and she doesn't care, and I could just scratch her eyes out for it.
Bella also complains about the car Edward bought for her. Because teenaged girls just hate when their boyfriends buy cars for them. It's too flashy, too visible. It's a testament to Bella's human fallibility, a monument to her weakness, her smallness, her mortality. Bella finds the car annoying for these reasons, and yet she overlooks her boyfriend's controlling ways because she's in lurve with him and they're perfect for each other and she can't live without him. These are not reasons to get married. They are reasons to seek counselling.
After the wedding, which is huge and lavish and fablablablah...
Look, I'm going to be honest: if I decide to get married (rather than moving to Spain and taking a string of international lovers, that is), I will admit that I won't care much about the ceremony and that I am like Bella in that regard (please, God, let me find a guy who wants a TARDIS chuppah!). I would probably either have a very small ceremony with just the necessary friends and family, or elope at the Star Trek Adventure. But that doesn't mean, if I had to have a huge wedding because of other reasons (maybe I'm going to marry a Public Figure? LOL) ,that I wouldn't have opinions about it, or want to see my own tastes implemented. Bella has no opinion. This is because Bella has no interests outside of Edward. Her wedding ends up being photogenic and perfect with everyone and everything in the exact right place at the exact right time. The wedding is every bit as boring as Bella and Edward, and they were in exactly zero control of any of it.
Anyway, then they move onto their honeymoon in South America, and that's where things get interesting. I mean, Alice packed tampons for Bella (Alice packed the honeymoon clothes, too. Because there's no reason in Helheim that Bella would want a comfy pair of jeans and a baggy sweater or T-shirt. No, just lingerie.), but apparently forgot to pack condoms for Edward because Bells gets knocked up.
Now, the entire series, Bella has been in mortal danger of the universe imploding on her at any second, and the only person who is qualified to save her is Edward. We are told throughout the entire series that Bella is ineffectual, stupid, weak, clumsy, unattractive, and just all-around not a good human being. But Bella figures out that she's preggy and she is the one who steps up to the plate while Edward has some crazy existential crisis. He moans about how he's a monster and he's sullied his sweet Bella and he's ruined their lives and oh, oh, ohhhhhh....life is just going to end! It's just going to be horrid! Help!
Bella in the meantime, is bonding with her baby. Her "nudger" as she calls it (come on, that's adorkable). It nudges her because it's growing at an alarming rate and she can already feel it. She is also calling the Cullens in order to make arrangements for going home, packing, and basically keeping her shit together. Looking back on the series, this is how Bella has always been. All of the stuff that Edward has done to keep Bella "safe" ends up backfiring on him (like going to Phoenix in T, or breaking up in NM, or the huge fight in E...), but Bella always manages to be strong and pull herself through. But Edward is always lauded as the saviour...
I don't know, all I can say is that SMeyers' is messed up and it comes out in her writing.
Anyway, they go home and the POV switches from Bella to Jacob because Bella is gestating CullenSpawn, and said spawn is killing her from the inside out.
So, here is the worst part for me. The absolute worst part. Jacob and Edward communally decide that Bella needs an abortion. Because abortion is a democracy. If you get pregnant, there will be a panel to decide if you can keep the baby.
I know there are pro-aborters who would totally try to talk Bella into having an abortion no matter what, and that there are anti-aborters who would talk Bella into having the baby no matter what, but neither group would be right. This is Bella's choice. She's not some unwed mother in the 1950's whose parents have the state-sanctioned right to 'send her away' for a year. She's a married woman. It is her life at stake and no one else's, therefore it is her decision to make. She knows that she can die, but her baby's life is more important than her own to her. I can't tell her she's wrong. But Edward will try. And he gets Jacob on his side.
"I would even let her have puppies," Edward says to Jacob, indicating that he'd 'share' Bella with Jacob because IVF does not exist in the Cullenverse. Jacob imagines a world where he 'gets' Bella on the weekends and Edward 'gets' her the rest of the week. Because women don't care who they have sex with apparently. Also, women are property to be lent out at the will of the owner.
I just...I can't with this woman.
The thing is, if Edward had just done as Bella had asked at the beginning (you know, taken her feelings and desires into account rather than just his own) and turned her into a vampire before all of this, Bella never would have gotten pregnant and they could have shagged happliy ever after. Edward's refusal to listen to Bella's wants and needs caused this issue in the first place. This relationship is so destructive and selfish that it's layered like a really stinky, rotten onion.
I like Jacob's reactions to stuff, and I even sort of like that Edward can read his thoughts. These two really have a much better, more equal relationship (at this point, but that will all change) and are totally better suited to each other than Bella and Edward. Jacob would never put up with Edward's navel-gazing, and Edward would never feel superior to Jacob for being bigger and stronger, and therefore his ego would be tempered. But alas! When you are a Mormon writer banging out a Mormon allegory, there can be no Ho!Yay! in Mormon territory. Not even Bromance. Edward and Jacob must be rivals or that would just be too gay.
Anyway, end of the second part, and I'll save the rest for later.
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