Chapter By Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapters 22-23

Wow, according to Kindle, we're 75% done! I know it's been as painful for you as it has been for me. Well, more for me because I have to read the source material. You get to read my stupid jokes and pretend to laugh at them while looking at pictures of Bingley.

How's about a different ginger for a change?

At this point for me, it's been a while since I've read anything for pleasure or reviewed a movie or a book I like. I feel like anyone coming in here would think that I don't like books or fanfiction or anything good in the world. I do, I love stuff. And I don't dislike unsympathetic or evil characters, either. I love them. I love a well-rounded villain, or even just someone who loves being evil for evil's sake. I love well-written, developed characters that an author clearly cares about and is willing to sacrifice just about anything, including a character's dignity, to make them real.

And Bromance. I freakin love Bromance. Especially between the unabashedly evil guy and the guy who maybe has some redeeming qualities.

I mean, seriously, my first thought when I saw that Richard Armitage was in the BBC show Robin Hood was, "I hope he's playing the evil sheriff of Nottingham." He's not, the silver fox there is, but Armitage plays Guy of Gisborne, and he does it very well. I love the sheriff because the actor nearly makes himself laugh half the time with how deliciously evil he is, and I love Guy because he's a horrible person, but he's got character development. You see every now and then a glimmer of humanity in Guy, a glimmer of the person he could be without the sheriff corrupting him. But then sometimes you realize that he'd probably be the same person without the sheriff. It's a cool show. They are cool characters. They are not set up as bastions of society or placed on pedestals for people to worship at. And yet I love them in stark contrast to how much I detest Christian and Ana and their mostly absentee friends.

Christian is set up to be some sort of paragon of manliness that draws all women (not men, just women) like a magnet to him. He is who a man should be in this author's mind. Ana, by contrast, is a wilting flower. She is supposed to be submissive to Christian. Subordinate. She is supposed to be his plaything, his Real Doll in real life. He has her to dress up and screw, to beat and punish for his own crimes, and what makes him different than Guy of Gisborne is that we aren't supposed to think he's a bad guy. So while we love Guy, we hate Christian because he lacks self-awareness as a character and his author is blind to his faults. Since no one can see these flaws, there is no chance for development. Every supposed "weakness" of Christian's is a hidden strength, every flaw a perfection that's not being looked at the right way. In the words of Gertrude Stein, girl, there is no "there" there.

She wasn't into burning books, but I think she would have made an exception.

Okay, enough with the prosthelytizing. If you're reading this, you're probably already on my side. Let's move on.
Chapter Twenty Two

Ana got upgraded to first class by Christian and is hanging out in the "first class lounge" that I've heard exists but have never actually found, even when I was flying first class. Supposedly, she's been massaged and manicured and given two glasses of champagne. She tells Christian about this and he wants to know who gave her the massage.

This is what I'm talking about.

Thank you, sir, can I have another?

She of course teases him that it was a guy who massaged her. It's not like she was naked, geez. There is such a thing as a platonic touch in this world! Of course Christian's response is menacing and frightening in such a way that would be cute and funny in a normal guy, but in him, you really do believe he'd tie her up and duct tape her into the cargo hold in order to keep a man from touching Ana.

So, when Ana's on a layover in Atlanta (I thought she was going to Georgia, yeah? So why layover in Atlanta and not Memphis or Minneapolis?), she shoots off this great e-mail about how he can't say that kind of stuff about tying up and stuffing into cargo holds because with him it's not joking and how she really likes him and wants to be with him, but she's sure he'll leave her and hurt her, and she's not submissive, but she just would really like to make stuff work. And what's his definition of "more?"

It's the first actual flow of information that either of them has ever made, and considering the fact that it hasn't taken place in the first 75% of the book, this is very telling about their relationship.
Eventually, Ana lands in Savannah and goes to her mom, and begins to cry. This just...isn't how relationships are supposed to make you feel. Maybe after you've been together for a while and you start getting on each other's nerves, but come on. If someone makes you feel this way, you leave them out of your life.

Ana spares a thought for Christian and hopes he isn't lamenting over his piano this morning. Seriously, if you personally are the indicator for what sort of mood someone is in, then that person has issues.

Play Freebird!

Well, what do you know? Ana knows enough about geography to figure out that she's left the Pacific side of the USA and is now on the Atlantic side. We're making progress!

Ana's mom wants to know about the guy who sent her across the continent, and Ana divulges a little. She says that Christian's mood swings give her whiplash. What mood swings? His mood is one and one only: foul. Just because he lightens up every now and then does not take away from the fact that he is in a constant sate of anger, jealousy, spite, and misery. That is a really horrible cocktail. But then again, he's fifty shades, and that's as many as five tens, and that's terrible.

It's not like you didn't know I was going to have to make this joke at some point.

Ana's mom points out how uncomplicated men are and I'm like, "Ha! Toldja so!" Then again, Ana's mom has been married four times. I'd hardly call her an expert.

Back at the ranch, Ana goes to her room and finds an e-mail from Christian. He's upset that Ana is never as open with him in person as she was in this e-mail. Well, jeez. Maybe if they stopped having sex for five minutes and kept their clothes on the entire time, Ana could open up. He reminds her that subs have all the power in the relationship, and that in the boathouse, she said no so he couldn't touch her. On my first read through, I thought this was a continuity issue since she said no at dinner when he put his hand up her skirt, but now I realize that she told him he couldn't spank her. He goes on quite a bit and really pours his heart out. If they were having his conversation in person, I'd like it. But all they do in person is screw and talk about nonsense that comes out in double entendres. Christian says that she needs to trust him, and then hits on the fact that he can't trust her to say when he goes too far...

Fine words, but let's look more closely. Ana can't trust Christian because as such they have no relationship. They're basically, pardon my crudeness, fuck buddies. How can she trust him? And she does tell him when he goes too far. He just doesn't listen.

Instances of Christian going too far and not listening to Ana: There was the books, him spanking her and then leaving directly afterwards, then the car which I think counts as three issues: He bought the car, he decided Ana couldn't drive the Beetle, and he sold it out from underneath Jose's Jr. and Sr. without giving them a chance to buy it back. Oh! Number four: He also totally made Charlie (or whatever Ana's dad's name is) feel bad for buying the Beetle in the first place because it's a "death trap" and what dad wants to hear something like that? Okay, and then after the car, he freaked out when Ana had drinks with her friend Jose, he freaked out about Ana wanting to visit her own bloody mother, he upgraded her ticket to first class (that might have been nice...) and it's not like you don't know he's going to show up in Savannah.

After Ana naps, they exchange a little more and it's back to the really superficial banter about his twitching palms, her eye rolling, and her backside. Again, this is what I'm talking about. There's no point in making a big deal about this relationship when there is nothing there. It's like making bread without eggs.

We get a small three paragraph reprieve with Ana talking about her mom and step father du jour, but then we go back to the cutesy, stupid e-mails which end when Christian says he's having an old friend for dinner. I don't think he means in a Hannibal Lechter sort of way, but he did get the Serial Killer Special at the beginning of the book.

"Oh, no, the duct tape was for home improvement!"

Ana thinks he's with Mrs. Robinson and Ana wishes she could punch the lady. Good luck, Ana. She does finally figure out that she has no idea who he is and Googles him. I guess Jose's picture of him has made in onto the search engine, and Ana wants to know how. Are we sure she's 22 and not 12? As Ana goes to sleep, she wishes Christian was with her. Oh jeez.


The next day (yes, still the same chapter), Ana and her mom go shopping and then out for drinks. Well, great, go out for drinks again, Ana! Ana's mom goes for a bathroom break, and Ana begins exchanging e-mails with Christian again on her phone. At the end of the exchange, it's clear he's in the bar, watching her.

At least she's on birth control now.


Chapter Twenty Three


Ana's all, "My boyfriend's back and I'm gonna be in trouble."

Instead of being like, "That's crazy insane dancing on a toaster!" Ana's mom's all, "Hey-la, hey-la your boyfriend's back."

And even Ana's mom is now lusting after Christian. Are there no bounds to this man's perfections? I mean, aside from his abhorrent personality.

Okay, introductions made, Ana gets all snippy and short with Christian, who predictably bristles at this treatment after all the chummy little e-mails they've exchanged. And then Ana starts thinking that he can't be mad at her for having drinks with her mom.

Ana? Christian will be mad at you no matter what. Either you accept this about him and put on your big girl panties and live with it, or you dump him. Since you can't seem to dump him, you need to suck it up. 

Ana's mom invites Christian over for dinner and then absents herself to the Ladies even though she had just been there. Christian decides to take the time to discuss Mrs. Robinson with Ana. He calls her judgemental for thinking of Mrs. Robinson as a child molester.

Yeah, and all the laws we have protecting children are just so arbitrary and mean. Just ask anyone in NAMBLA.

There is no way in hell I'm looking for a picture to follow that up with, so here's some kittens.

Christian says he doesn't want to discuss this all right now, so Ana ends it by saying that Mrs. Robinson is to Ana what Jose is to Christian. Christian finally figures out that Ana's jealous, but Ana modifies his conclusion by saying she still thinks poorly of Mrs. Robinson for what she did to a teenaged boy.

Christian says this stupid thing:

And as for your jealousy, put yourself in my shoes. I haven't had to justify my actions to anyone in the last seven years. Not one person. I do as I wish, Anastasia. I like my autonomy. I didn't go and see Mrs. Robinson to upset you. I went because every now and then we have dinner.

Um...you mean like how Ana hasn't had to justify herself to anyone for her whole life and likes her autonomy too and you're expecting her to put all of her metaphorical eggs into your basket and let you rule her life while you continue to do any little thing your heart desires? Good job, Christian. Good job.

Just putting this out there: psychopaths aren't capable of putting themselves in anyone else's shoes. They are completely devoid of empathy. Just saying.

"I'm a psychopath. We look just like everyone else."

As they're in the middle of arguing about Mrs. Robinson, Ana's mom comes back and Christian leaves because I don't know why. Maybe to stop the argument? Anyway, Mom's like, "You two are obviously crazy about each other."

Emphasis on the "crazy" part.

She says that they're obviously in love, and Ana says no, but her mom's not convinced, but Ana's hung up on the D/s thing. I don't blame her, the way Christian does it is no way to have a relationship. (Not being a part of the lifestyle, I can't speak for others, but it doesn't seem like something you just do on the weekends, yanno?)

Eventually, Mom talks Ana into going to Christian's room.

Oh great. More sex is in store because they need to "talk" and this is how they "talk."

Christian is on the phone when Ana comes in, but we get a really good description of the room. I guess if you can't have well-rounded characters, you shoot for well-rounded hotel rooms. When Christian gets off the phone, Ana restarts the argument about Mrs. Robinson, and Christian admits that he didn't love her. This relieves Ana so now we're a-go for sex. Or, more appropriately, we're a-go for sex while Ana's on her period.

I really hate this author.

Do I have to commentate on the sex? They do it in front of the sink. Watching themselves in the mirror. Christian helps Ana manually manipulate herself, and then of course she bends over and takes it. Then they get in a bath.

Okay, I totally go for old wives' tales, and two things you aren't supposed to do on your period are have sex and soak in a bath or hot tub. Ana is doing both so far.

They get in the bath and Ana realizes that the scars Christian has on his chest are burns. Like cigarette burns.

My grandparents had a dog that had a cigarette burn on its butt. If I ever find the guy that did that to her...Anyway, that sucks. Ana wants to know if Mrs. Robinson did it, and Christian says no. Let it go, Ana.

Christian says that if he hadn't met Mrs. Robinson, he'd probably have ended up like his birth mother, and that Mrs. Robinson helped him. He says that he doesn't talk about this with anyone except his psychiatrist and sometimes Mrs. Robinson, but he wants Ana to trust him, so he's telling her.

"Let's do some trust exercises I learned at the last CEO retreat..."

Ana, of course, can't let that go. She wants to know more. I've said this before and I'll say it again: I really hate that the author couldn't just have Christian into kink or BDSM, she has to make him psychologically broken in some way and have that be the reason why he turned to BDSM. It makes it seem like no "normal" people would be involved in the lifestyle. So the end of this story has to be that Ana helps Christian learn to have "vanilla" sex because that's what's acceptable.

After Ana is finished grilling Christian, he decides to grill her back. Back to quid pro quo, Clarisse. He wants to know how Ana feels about the proposed D/s arrangement, and Ana says honestly that she doesn't think she can do it. Christian doesn't think she can, either. He proposes some kind of compromise, the first that we've seen in this book that we are 75% of the way through, a book about a relationship, whose entire plot is wrapped around a relationship (such as it is...in both cases...). Ana says that what they're doing now is tying her up in knots, and of course Christian has to make a quip about it. She splashes him, and then of course they have sex.

Oh look! A tiny turtle nomming a strawberry!

Okay, so they talk afterwards. Ana sort of says something about how many women Christian's had sex with, thinking the number's only seventeen. Apparently it's more. But we're in the tens! Christian's no slag. These two finally have a normal conversation where Christian isn't ordering Ana around and she's not petulantly placating him. Wow. Maybe there's hope for this book.

Hm...now we're at 85%. Maybe not.

Chapter by Chapter synopsis: Fifty Shades of Grey: chapters 17-20

Chapter Seventeen


When we last left Ana and Christian, Christian had come back to Ana and Kate’s house because Ana said she didn’t like how he left her alone after spanking her and they ended up sleeping in the same bed together, something Christian just doesn’t *do*. So in this chapter, they wake up together, both commenting on how well they slept. Christian maybe slept a little too well because he’s late for a meeting or something. He leaves, threatening Ana again to not drive her car.

Ana emails Christian to explain a little more about how the spanking felt, and his response is to be like, “You never used the safe word.” I cannot stress how much Ana is not a sub. Maybe one day she could be, but she currently is not used to safe words and stuff like that. Heck, I’m pretty savvy, but I don’t know if I would remember to use a safe word my first time being “punished” by a Dom. This is not the first time I think Christian is being unreasonable, but I think he’s being particularly unreasonable and callous here. And when Ana threatens to run off? Christian can track her cell phone, of course. Keep in mind that he said he wouldn’t chase after her if she decided to leave.

Every move you make, every step you take...

Ana finally goes to the hardware store and really enjoys driving her new car. Around lunch, a messenger comes with a blackberry that has email capability so that Christian can continue to talk to her. I don’t see why she can’t just text him? Is that hard? Is it so different from e-mailing? Or is it just that with texts, we can’t get his “cute” little titles for himself and subject lines? I suspect it’s the latter. Anyway, Ana promises to e-mail Christian once she gets home.

Ana leaves the normal world behind when she quits her job, and goes home to find Kate completely unimpressed with the brand new car. Taylor comes for the Beetle, and I have huge issues with this. Not only does Christian pretty much out and say that Ana is weak and unable to be safe, but Jose should have been offered the car. Jose Sr. should have been offered the car. It was Jose’s dead mom’s car. I’m pretty sure he would have wanted it back. As Taylor leaves, he tells Ana that Christian is a good man. Hey, Taylor? If Christian wanted your daughter to be his sub, would you still feel that way? As any of us who love Professor Snape. He’s a good man, but not particularly kind. It’s easy to be that way.

Elliott comes over to see Kate later, and Ana rolls her eyes at how he acts towards Kate. Ana feels free being able to roll her eyes at someone. As Elliott and Kate get loudly busy, Ana decides to go out for a drink with Jose (oh noes, what will Christian think??) and as they walk out, Ana thinks about how uncomplicated Jose is. She also thinks he’s going to be upset about the car, so she’s afraid to talk to him about it. Does this girl have a relationship with anyone where there is an open and honest line of communication? Signs point to “no”.

Ana gets back home kind of late and finds e-mails and missed calls from Christian. She realizes that she didn’t e-mail him like she said she would, and now she’s all worried that he’ll be angry. She calls him and has to make him feel good about himself now, because you know, that’s her job.

The next day is moving day, and Elliott helps both Kate and Ana and hangs their TV on the wall and everything. It’s really sweet. It’s how boyfriends act. Christian is not a boyfriend, so he’s not there. He sends a bottle of pink champagne and a helicopter balloon that looks like Christian’s helicopter. Throughout the move, Ana was jealous about how demonstrative Elliott is towards Kate, but she’s not willing to give up Christian in order to find someone who will behave that way towards her, so I just really can’t feel sorry for her.

Ana e-mails Christian to thank him for the balloon and says it’s currently tied to her bed. Christian’s all, “Lucky Charlie Tango.” I mean, I know he’s (probably) not jealous of the balloon (maybe), but honestly? He can be tied to Ana’s bed. He can be there. He just has these stupid arbitrary rules that say he can’t spend the night or be romantic or relinquish any sort of control, so saying something like that is monumentally illogical. It’s not like there’s going to be an occasion where he will ever be tied to Ana’s bed, so why say that?

I tell you what's illogical.

The next day, Ana heads over to Casa Christian, and he shows her that they made the newspaper with the photo that got taken at graduation. To his credit, he’s not flipping out. What he is flipping out about is that his mom wants him to bring Ana to her house for dinner that evening.

Christian rolls his eyes at Ana, and Ana confronts him about how he’s allowed to do that, but she’s not. He’s like, “Oh, I wasn’t aware I was doing that…” Idiot.

Chapter Eighteen



Christian has a gynecologist called into his apartment on a Sunday, and she examines Ana and prescribes hormonal birth control (HBC) for her. I am so hoping that this is the end of the condom descriptions.

Ana comments that Dr. Green doesn’t suffer fools gladly, like Kate. Does this mean that Kate also doesn’t suffer fools gladly, or that Dr. Greene doesn’t suffer Kate? Either way, both suffer Ana, so make of that what you will.

We return to “The Red Room of Pain” (a new movie starring Vincent Price!) that is so red and like a womb and sexy because it’s reminiscent of a woman’s reproductive pouch. Christian shows Ana what he expects, which is the first thing he’s really done in this regard. Ana kneels with her palms on her thighs and waits for Christian. He doesn’t tell her she can’t look around with her head down, so I’m assuming she’s allowed to and that is the reason she’s not in trouble for staring at his feet.

Finally, Christian has kinky sex using handcuffs and a riding crop that is just like the one from Ana’s dream. She decides she enjoys it just fine. Then he uncuffs her and uses the zip ties instead and finally she gets his little shopping spree at the beginning of the book. I just want to reiterate that there’s really not a lot in this scene that I can’t imagine the president doing to Mrs. Obama. Not that I would imagine that. But I’m just saying it’s not anything…oh, never mind.

"Let me show you my technique."

Chapter Nineteen

After a nice nap, Ana and Christian get ready to go to the Grey House, only Christian has Ana’s panties and hasn’t offered them back yet. She decides to not ask for them back and goes around commando. This is a good plan if you’re woman enough to pull it off, particularly in a skirt. It makes the guy think that you’ve been thinking about him all night, and that you want him. Ana, of course, is not woman enough to pull it off and is totally a basket case over it.

At The Grey House, we meet Mia, Christian’s really annoying little sister. She’s about Ana’s age and has Curves in All the Right Places®. If any guy ever thought about doing to Mia what Christian does to Ana, then Christian would kill the guy. This is what we call a double standard, children.

So now that Ana is in The Grey Living Room, she starts realizing that the only reason Christian invited her was because Kate was invited, and that he didn’t want her to feel bad about not going. I actually come out on the side of Christian in this one, because I don’t see him as the sort of guy who would allow people to tell him what to do. He’s a control freak, and if he didn’t want Ana there, she wouldn’t be there.

"I never let anyone tell me what to do! Except Darcy. And my sister."

There’s a maid because of course there is, and of course, she’s hot for Christian. This is getting old.

Around the dinner table, everyone starts bringing up fabulous vacations, so Ana sort of defensively says she’s been thinking about visiting her mom in Georgia. What she doesn’t say is that she’s been thinking about it for the last two minutes or so.

Christian, of course (all together now) is angry.

This is my issue: Christian only wants Ana on the weekends. If she goes to Georgia during the week, why does he care? If he doesn’t want the sort of relationship with hearts and Hallmark cards and unicorns pooping rainbows, then he can’t expect this stuff from Ana.

Kate takes this opportunity to start riling Christian up about how Ana went out for a drink with Jose. Honey badger cares. Honey badger gives a shit. Honey badger is angry. Ana is understandably scared.

"No! I don't care! I don't give a fuck! I just got bit by a cobra!"

Ana shouldn’t be scared. This is bullshit. Jose has been her friend for years, and yeah, when he was drunk he tried to kiss her because alcohol removes inhibitions. But he apologized and Ana is now okay with him. Christian should be too. And you should never be this scared of your boyfriend!

But then he’s suddenly fine and so is Ana because both of these people have the intelligence and attention span of a goldfish.

"I speak on behalf of all goldfish when I say I am offend...bubbles!"

However, when Christian offers to take Ana on a tour of the grounds, we all know what’s going to happen. He’s going to spank her for being a bad, bad girl.

See, in normal relationships, you say that “bad, bad girl” part with sarcasm dripping. In this relationship, he means it.





Chapter Twenty

Ana manages to talk Christian out of hitting her, which confuses him. I guess because he’s used to subs? And he’s also confused that she refused him at dinner. You see, he was putting his hand up her thigh and she squeezed her legs together to stop him, and that’s never happened to him before. He finally settles on getting himself off, but not letting her orgasm. And we’re treated to even more condom fun. Joy.

Mia, of course, breaks in on their post-coital bliss causing them to scramble into their clothing really quickly. Mia doesn’t know how to not be annoying. I also don’t see how she doesn’t know what’s going on. I mean, she’s supposed to be around 22, so clearly she should have this whole sex thing figured out.

Back inside, Ana asks Kate to stop antagonizing Christian. Kate says that she wants Ana to see him as he really is. Which might be okay if you had a friend who was not consenting to being abused. If you do know someone who is being abused, though, antagonizing the abuser will probably just make your friend cling to the abuser even more, and the abuser will single you out as the first person to be isolated from. The best thing I’ve found, back when my friend was with a guy who was really super controlling, not much fun, but my friend felt this crazy compunction to be with him, was to just start talking through hypotheticals with her. And even that was only after she called me really upset and worried about how things were going. I also started out the conversation defending him against a mutual friend, so I started out from a place that was not antagonizing. I mean, these are things you really have to skate a fine line with. Kate is as subtle as Baldric with Ana as her crazy Blackadder.

"I am no longer the worst human being on the face of the earth! Curse you, Christian Grey!"

On the way home, Ana confesses to Christian that she only brought up Georgia so she didn’t seem like a loser with no vacation plans in front of his parents. Had she not brought this up a few chapters ago, I’d believe her. Anyway, Christian encourages her to go visit her mom, and I hope she has tons of money because transcontinental flights on the fly aren’t cheap or easy to get. I hope she has a long book to read on stand-by. Finally, she admits that she’s also feeling really overwhelmed by him and needs Georgia in order to think away from him.

Christian begs Ana to stay the night in his bed. Funny, because when Ana begged Christian, he still left. But Ana stays. He wants to go to Georgia with her because he doesn’t understand the whole “need for space away from you” part of the issue. Ana tells him no. Note from the future: he’s going to show up.

Okay, Christian puts some Benewah Balls inside Ana. What are Benewah balls? They are weighted, generally stainless steel, balls that you stick in your vagina in order to exercise your Kegel muscles. Since Ana is very young and virginal, I don’t think her muscles are very stretched out, but learning to clench is also learning to unclench, so it’s never too early to start. (Unclenching would help with fisting and also extreme/double penetration, if you’re into that or thinking about either of those things, you may want to look into the balls.)

The balls in question are stainless, and held together by a black thread. I googled for ages and could not find any Benewah balls that looked like this. I found something called “Luna Balls” that were silicone and held together by silicone with a silicone pull-cord to remove them, but all the Benewah Balls I could find were separate, and can I just mention that I doubt that little black string is too easy to sanitize? Benewah balls are separate usually because you’re supposed to start with one, for just a minute or two, and then slowly build your muscles to handle the weight for a full fifteen minutes. Then you start with the second. If you can sneeze and not have the balls shoot out, you’re doing good. It’s about controlling the muscles, not just making them tight. Benewah balls help with incontinence, too, and even men find them useful for the “back door” as it were, so they’re really good for all sexes.

These are actually Baoding Balls because I wanted this to be SFW.
(this is funny because they look exactly alike)

Christian’s balls, I have mentioned, are held together by a black string and have a pull cord with them. I don’t see how even synthetic string could be sanitized easily, but whatever. This author also has Ana with a full bladder in the third book while she has a catheter inside of her, so it’s not like I expected her to research or anything, but making it seems that someone can just do this right away is really irresponsible to me. What does she have to do? She has to walk and get him a drink of water. Then he spanks her, but for pleasure, and then he has sex with her.



More to come

Update: My Kindle died last night, and I'm about to go on vacation for over a week, so I probably won't update about Fifty Shades for a couple of weeks. Hopefully I'll be getting back to Christian and Ana around July 16th or so, so try and hold on. I mean, who knows what's going to happen between these two crazy kids! I mean, their relationship is so strong and built on tons of trust and friendship and respect for one another, so it'd be terrible if something came between them.

Chapter-by-Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades of Grey: chapters 11-13

Chapter Eleven


Ana is reading through the contract, and it’s sort of repetitious because some of it was discussed in previous chapters, particularly with regards to how Ana will look, dress, eat, and exercise. I found it to be boring, but this is the sort of thing that fanfiction readers eat up with a spoon and extra sprinkles. But in a book, it’s boring. Really boring.

Ana gets really freaked out about the contract, particularly when stuff like “anal” and “fisting” are mentioned. Note from the future: you will never have to worry about these things, Ana. The kinkiest thing you will do in these books is the reverse-cowgirl, and I don’t think that’s even particularly kinky. (Is it? I mean…I don’t know what other people do, but I’ve never heard a guy say, “Wait, wait, let’s stop this rodeo. I’m a missionary man!”) Her biggest problem with the contract is the actual submissive part: not being able to touch Christian, not being able to look him in the eye or speak without being spoken to. From what I know of BDSM, and we’ve established that it’s not much, these things are pretty normal. I was actually surprised that there was nothing in the contract about Ana needing to wash Christian, wake him, help him dress and shave and whatnot. I just can’t say enough that he does not want a BDSM relationship, but he wants kink and he wants to do it in a D/s way. I just think the distinction is enough that it warrants addressing.

So, Christian wants Ana to research how to be a sub, and he gets appalled at the thought of her using Kate’s computer, so he has a MacBook Pro sent to her, complete with a tech to set it up and show her how to use it. This part really was odd. How did she get through college without a computer of her own? My computer is over four years old and the battery is completely shot, plus it gets hot enough to boil water on after it’s been running for about ten minutes, but it was cheap and it works. If Ana’s dad bought her a car, he can buy her a computer. For what she needs, she can get one for only a couple hundred. Sheesh.

Ana already has an e-mail from Christian, and they end up sending each other really cutesy exchanges and I want to throw up because I really don’t want to see or read any of that. None of the smileys or the cutesy titles Christian gives himself or any of it.

Ana goes out with José, and it actually doesn’t end badly. They manage to clear the air a bit and I kept expecting Christian to walk in on them and start being an ass, but it doesn’t happen, so props, Author.

Back at home, Ana e-mails more with Christian, and it’s sad because she obviously wants a normal relationship with a normal guy, and he’s who she’s set her heart on. Love is not only blind, but in the middle of nowhere and left for dead. Christian keeps telling Ana to research, which she does, and then she gets all freaked out about the BDSM lifestyle and again, Christian is into kink, not BDSM but it doesn’t matter because Ana wouldn’t know the difference between the two with a type-written list.



Chapter Twelve

Ana goes for a jog to clear her head and then goes home and writes to Christian: “I’ve seen enough, nice knowing you.” SOMEHOW, this is supposed to be a joke. How it’s funny is your guess as well as mine. Is this a Twihard thing like the lip biting? How is this a joke? Where does she put something suitably ironic in order to indicate it’s a joke?

Unsurprisingly, or completely surprisingly since this is bat-shit territory, Christian shows up at Ana’s house instead of just accepting defeat and realizing that it’s over Ana’s head. This makes no sense. He also starts in on Ana for biting her lip and I roll my eyes because it’s her body and she’s allowed to chew on any part of it she wishes, regardless of your feelings on the matter. This? This is what makes him abusive. Also, did he get the joke? Did he know it was a joke? Is it a pop-culture reference that I don’t know about? Or is he just trying to seduce her into getting what he wants? This is the definition of “dub-con” or “dubious consent”, by the way. It’s especially potent since he didn’t think it was a joke (because it’s not?) and really did head over to Ana’s house to seduce her into a different mind frame. This is twisted. Really wrong. This guy needs major psychiatric help, and he needs to stay away from other people because he’s a psychopath and he doesn’t understand empathy or the concept of personal space.

After Christian leaves, Ana starts feeling used, like a receptacle for his sexual energy. This is good because it’s pretty much the truth. Of course, instead of telling him she feels this way, she cries on Kate’s shoulder, and Kate says that he has ‘commitment issues’ which is like saying that the sea is salty.

Ana e-mails Christian in detail about her issues regarding the contract and some of the language, but never addresses the larger issue about how this does not feel like a relationship to her, at least not an equitable one where both partners discuss their innermost feelings and are validated and reassured by each other. Christian promises to talk more on their date, which seems like bullocks since his idea of communication is to have sex.



Chapter Thirteen



Ana finds out that her mom can’t go to her graduation because Ana’s stepfather has fallen down and he can’t get up. I get that Mom has to take care of StepDad and all, but this is her daughter’s graduation. Get a nurse or a friend or something and stay for only long enough to see the graduation. I understand that it’s hard to go from Georgia to Seattle as my family lives in North Carolina and I’m in California, but you can bet my mom dragged her ass across country to see my brother graduate from college, and he was thirty-five when he graduated. This is family. Ana of course says it doesn’t bother her. Why? Because saying it bothers her would be a character flaw? I don’t understand why Ana can’t be let down about her mom. Supposedly they love each other. This is one more odd part of this story. I feel that Ana is detached from her parents, which I guess is typical YA territory, but this is not a YA novel. She’s twenty-two years old, and she is celebrating a major life event. She can be disappointed that her mom won’t be there. But all she can think about is Christian.

After that, Ana calls Ray, the one parent who will be in attendance for her graduation, only Ray’s like, “Yo, there’s a baseball game about to start so I can’t talk long.” The fact that he’ll be there, though, speaks volumes about his relationship with Ana.

Christian e-mails Ana about when he’ll pick her up, and she’s like, “I’ll drive” and he gets upset and pouty because he even has to control her mode of transportation. He e-mails the definition of “Submissive” to Ana who counters with the definition of “Compromise.” The bottom line is that Ana is a little uncomfortable around Christian right now because of this stupid contract, and she wants her car around so she can get away without him next to her, trying to seduce her or coerce her into doing something she’s uncomfortable with.

So, Kate gives Ana a couple of dresses, and she puts on one for the date as well as matching stilettos, and for someone who can’t walk across the street without getting run over by a bike, let me say that this is a really stupid idea. I get that her “flaw” is supposed to be clumsiness, but the alacrity with which the author has abandoned this one flaw gives me whiplash. Ana is, of course, fine in her heels.

Ana tells Christian that the contract isn’t binding, but he counters that it’s good to have everything up front and on the table before they begin, and that he won’t prosecute her if she breaches. No, he’ll just stalk her to death.

I have this in my notes: “It’s not like these two aren’t going to end up together.”

This is the thing: if this were a book series about a virgin exploring the world of sex, and if the books were all about her trying different things with different partners, then I’d wonder who she’s going to end up with. But there’s no suspense here. It’s like the current generation watching Star Wars. If they start with the prequels, then they will be completely unsurprised when Darth Vader ends up as Luke’s father. That is this book in a nutshell. You already know they’re going to get married and make babies ever after. They have to. That is this book. All of this suspense is unnecessary and a little boring.

Anyway, moving on. So, Christian wants Ana to be honest with him, which is so stupid considering the fact that any time she has expressed any modicum of having her own opinions or feelings, he brushes her off and dismisses her boundaries and personal space. Case in point, he gets all over Ana about whether or not she’s eaten, again. Since it seems that Ana doesn’t eat when she’s nervous or upset, it’s no surprise that she hasn’t eaten, but he still gets all over her about it. Also, he asks if she wants to stay in the common room or go to a private room. She says she wants to be in public, but he’s already booked a private room, so no go Ana. The question is completely moot. Why did he ask her opinion when he had already made up their mind what they were going to do? I really hate it when people do that. It’s not fair and it isn’t kind. Also, he’s already ordered for her, including oysters. As a person with severe food allergies, I balk at his incessant obsession over food and his forcing it on Ana.

Okay, Christian starts going over the contract piece by piece, outlining Ana’s issues with what it says. He assures her that he is not HIV positive, nor does he do drugs. He actually goes into his company’s anti-drug policies and mentions random drug testing and Ana’s like, “He’s such a control freak!” Well, get used to it sweetheart, but in this case, he is perfectly within his rights, and few companies don’t issue random drug tests or have strict anti-drug policies. It’s like she nitpicks all the unimportant stuff, but lets his constant, persistent and pathological need to dominate her entirely slide by the wayside. It makes no sense!

Christian says he wants to try their relationship for three months, and Ana starts feeling railroaded. Finally. How long did this take you, Ana?

I have this in my notes: “I can’t believe how boring this is. Ana finally admits she trusts him. Thank God. Can we find the plot now? “

Sorry, self. This is me from the future. There will be no plot. Not ever. Not even with painfully transparent attempts to create drama will there be a plot. This fanfiction is labeled “PWP?”

So then we get to this: Ana is asking why she can’t touch Christian, and she thinks Mrs. Robinson had something to do with it. He says,

“No, Anastasia. She’s not the reason. Besides, Mrs. Robinson wouldn’t take any of that shit from me.” Oh…but I have to. I pout.

Yes. Exactly. He wants you to do things that he would never do himself. He expects of you that which he would never give to you. This is the relationship you want. This is the relationship millions of women want. No wonder men hate us. I’m starting to hate us. This is the type of guy who ‘nice guys’ rail against when they’re trying to ask a girl out.

[You know Nice Guy Syndrome, right? The guys who think all women want Bad Boys who will break their heart? The reason I would find Christian more attractive than a Nice Guy is simply because he knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to say so. The fact that he isn’t interested in what Ana wants and doesn’t care what she has to say is what turns me off to him. But between the two, yes I’d go with Christian Grey. This isn’t saying much.]

Ana brings up his no masturbation clause and he’s like, “I want all of your pleasure.” Sorry, Christian. Until you figure out the Vulcan Mind Meld, all of her pleasure is her own. You can be there to witness it, but she’s the one who feels it. Ana accuses him of using sex as a weapon when he threatens to “fuck” her in the dining room just because he can, and he has the good sense to not deny it. He also brings up how if she were his sub, she wouldn’t have to think about anything anymore, just go along with him. That’s a really great prospect, Christian. Every girl dreams of a guy telling her he’d like to not be able to distinguish between her and a lobotomy victim.

Ana says she feels like she’s playing a game where “[Christian is] the only one who knows and understands the rules.” This is pretty much the definition of an abusive person. Their rules are arbitrary, and what is true today may be false tomorrow, and they change all the time. This is so that Christian can “punish” Ana for not doing what he tells her to do. That is the bottom line.

Thankfully, Ana decides to leave before Christian can seduce and use her again, and she starts wondering if this is the last time she’ll see him, blah blah blah. Look, again, if there were any suspense, I would be on the edge of my chair (not really), but there is no suspense. They are going to get together. I don’t understand this sort of foreplay. Surely the author could have found some other avenue? At this point, it feels like a child’s game of pretend. “Let’s pretend that Christian and Ana won’t get together at some point in the future, okay?”

And now we get to Ana’s Beatle. Christian is all upset that she drives it and keeps asking if it’s road worthy, etc. It’s a steel car with lots of curves on it. It might not have a five-point harness or even a three-point seatbelt, but it’s not a bad car, especially not for a college student. Ana gets adamant that Christian won’t buy her a car, but you know he will.

Ana drives home crying, and lamenting that she won’t be allowed to sleep with or touch her boyfriend if she agrees to the contract. Yes, these are actually huge concerns. The magnitude of these concerns is almost suffocating. Especially the part about looking at him and talking without being spoken to. I mean, if she’s not into D/s or kink, then this isn’t the relationship for her.

She worries he’ll tire of her. Again, no suspense. He sends her an e-mail saying he doesn’t understand why she ran from him, but he wants to make it work, take it slow. One of the first signs of an abuser is that he tries to force you into a committed relationship very quickly. She falls asleep thinking that since this is all he knows, and her view is all she knows, maybe they can forge their own path. Note from the future: yes.

Rant: I think that BDSM is a viable “alternate lifestyle” and that kink and whatnot are perfectly normal between consenting adults, so the undercurrent in this book that says that Christian has something wrong with him because of BDSM bothers me. He has something wrong with him because he had a horrible childhood and upbringing. That’s where his issues stem from. He hides behind BDSM and D/s and kink in order to keep people at arm’s length, but the actual lifestyle is not what has made him this way. He is this way and turned to the lifestyle in order to handle his demons. I feel that this book paints those in “alternate lifestyles” (quotations because I think the term is improper, but I don’t know of a better one) in a light that there must be something wrong with them that they enjoy doing this and classes everyone with Christian Grey. To me, it’s on par with saying that homosexuals are only “that way” because they were abused as a child or just haven’t met the right woman/man to make them not be homosexual any more. In Christian’s case, he just hasn’t met the right girl yet. That’s what this author is saying. It’s easy to get over decades of hurt if you just meet the right person. And it is. If that person happens to be a therapist. But to say that all problems are got over really easily is cheapening the hurt of people like Christian and relegating BDSM to a band aid or crutch-like lifestyle that helps gloss over true problems until that one romantic partner comes along to take you away from “it all.”

I’m sure that this isn’t the author’s intention, but that’s what I’m getting from this book.

Okay, more to come.

Chapter-By-Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapters 1 and 2

We open our book with our heroine staring at herself in a mirror. This is not the worst plot device ever conceived. I’ve never seen it done well, though, not even by seasoned writers. We learn through this mirror contemplation that AnaBella has dark, unruly hair and blue eyes that are too large for her face. Her skin is, of course, pale like porcelain and we the readers are supposed to think, “Oh, she’s so plain!” Yes, women with elfin faces are just heifers.

I do sympathize about the hair, though. My own hair is naturally wavy and then has large curls at the very ends (just the ends, mind—and I mean the very ends—the last half –inch or so), which was very annoying when I had it cut in a shorter jaw-length bob, but since I’ve grown it out past my shoulders, it looks slightly Middletonian, but only if I spend about twenty minutes on it in the morning with a blow dryer and a wide round brush.

Do you have a good idea about what my hair looks like now? AND I DIDN’T HAVE TO LOOK IN A FREAKIN’ MIRROR TO DO THAT. (Yeah, I know you thought I was being vain or something, but I was just showing how it’s done. If you want to know about my eyes, they’re green, just the right size for my face, and I have freckles so no porcelain skin for me. Boo. I guess I’ll never be as plain as a fanfiction heroine.)

AnaBella has a roommate who is also her best friend and has been all through college. I’m not saying this is impossible, I’m just saying that an eighteen-year-old heading into a situation where she is suddenly on her own for the first time in her life might actually find herself with a completely set of circumstances four years later when she is ready to leave said situation. But personal growth isn’t what we’re looking for here. AnaBella must be as unchangeable as a rock. Said roommate is Kate, a strawberry blonde who looks good even while having the flu and wearing flannel PJ’s with bunnies on them (um…where can I get a set of those jammies?), which would be a great place for the author to put AnaBella’s description as a contrast, rather than have her look in a mirror. Just saying.

Anyway, Kate needs AnaBella to head into Seattle for an interview with billionaire telecommunications mogul Christian Grey. She gives AnaBella a bunch of questions to ask him, a recorder, her Mercedes, and a wish of good luck, and soon AnaBella is off to another world where high-rise buildings are modern works of art (yes, they can be) made out of nothing but white walls, sandstone counters, and steel. In this world, there are only pretty blonde, impeccably dressed interns, and AnaBella is just totally out of her element. She should have worn a suit or something more suitable to the atmosphere.

In my college, we are forced to take a class that prepares us for any sort of interview, and the professors impress on us over and over again to always wear well tailored and pressed suits and plain shirts in an office setting, so I’m surprised that AnaBella didn’t figure this out on her own. Again, this twenty two-year-old is still acting like a sixteen-year-old.

We get our first glimpse at a non-white person who (of course) has dreadlocks and is dressed in yet another impeccable suit. I can’t help but wonder if this will be the only minority in this book. I think every minority in the world is hoping so.

Finally, AnaBella gets to meet Christian Grey, who she knows nothing about, and spectacularly face-plants on the ground by tripping over her own feet before doing so. This is because she’s clumsy. I mean, we can’t make her eyes too small for her face, or give her the odd pimple every now and then, or even a little rosacea around her forehead and on her cheeks, so we have to make her clumsy. I have to wonder if she can open a gift without getting a paper cut. Probably not.

Christian Grey is an Adonis. No, she actually calls him that. When I think of an Adonis, I think of Shemar Moore, not some pasty redhead, but to each her own.

Shemar Moore. You're welcome.

Chrisward has copper hair and grey eyes. If he had some other color, would his last name be different? AnaBella’s last name is Steele, so if they got married, their name would be Steele-Grey. Oooh, author. I see what you did there!

The interview commences, and AnaBella asks him really innocuous questions about how he got started, etcetera, and Chrisward answers politely and truthfully, and AnaBella decides he’s being very arrogant and calls him on it. He’s like, “Yo, I have twenty thousand people working for me. If I quit what I’m doing tomorrow, all those people would be out of a job. I have responsibility to them you lackwitted imbecile.” AnaBella’s all, “Oooh, he’s so arrogant! How dare he comment that he has that sort of power over people? How dare he know who he is and what he wants out of life! Who does that, anyway?”

Who indeed. Who indeed.

I’m sorry, I need to go and weep for anyone who thinks this character is a strong woman. Good lord, she doesn’t even know what she wants to do after college! And she’s been there for four years!

The author tries to go all Bogey/Bacall, Tracy/Hepburn, Grant/Russell on us, but it all just falls flat. AnaBella keeps trying to argue with Chrisward about how arrogant he is, but his answers are so logical that I as a reader think she sounds like a petulant little whiner. Also, her thought processes are just so crazy, she decides that everything he says is a double entendre, so her responses are also double entendres, and it’s very uncomfortable for me as a reader to think that he’s turning her on by saying that there’s nothing wrong with owning things, or knowing what you want and going and getting it.

In my notes, I have: “she does realize she’s putting everything on a recorder, right?”

AnaBella finally gets that she’s in an argument she can’t win, so goes onto the next question Kate put on the list. “Are you gay?” This of course makes Christian Grey angry. A guy secure in his straightness would laugh this off, so my personal answer to this question is “probably. Either that or a huge homophobe.” Since the story hinges on these two getting together, I’ll go with the latter.

Seriously, my dad asked me if I was gay, and I laughed so hard at that. I was angry at him for asking me because it was none of his business, but when he asked, all I could do was laugh.

So, Chrisward finally gets good and angry at AnaBella, which good for him. I hope his anger is because it’s none of her business and not because he thinks it’s an insult, and calls in for quid pro quo. Quid pro quo, Clarisse. He starts asking her all the questions. Really tough ones, like what she wants to do after college. When she has to admit that she doesn’t know (she’s just in college for fun? Just to spend time? She has no goal in mind? I think of Auntie Mame where Mame asks Gloria what her major is, and Gloria's like, "My what?") Chrisward offers her an internship, which is pretty nice considering he doesn’t know what her major is. AnaBella thinks about all of the gorgeous blondes in their impeccable suits and says that she just so obviously wouldn’t fit in at Grey Enterprises or whatever it’s called. He’s all, “I don’t think it’s obvious at all” and a million fangirls cream themselves because he can look past her awkward, ugly exterior and see how good she is on the inside!

Finally, AnaBella decides to go, and Chrisward walks her out and helps her into her jacket. When they touch, sparks fly. She can feel it! The electricity between them is so palpable!

I have this in my notes: i'd love a counter to this in chrisward's perspective. "Stupid young girl comes into office. trips all over herself. starts asking probing questions and getting flustered and even visibly angered by my responses. i escort her out in order to ensure she actually leaves my office, and she gasps when i put her jacket--some low-class nylon thing she more than likely bought at WalMart...good God, what if she accepts my intern proposal and comes dressed in this...jacket? It's a jacket, yes?--on her and touch her shoulder. just to unnerve her, i call her by her given name. who names their kid anastasia, anyway? she calls me by my christian name and i can't help but laugh at how pathetic she is at playing hardball. a tenth grader could talk his way into her pants. pathetic."


In chapter two, we open with AnaBella not trying to think about Christian Grey. Oh, Chrisward! The first man AnaBella has ever thought of in this way! And she wants to know what it was about him. One of the markers was his civility. Civility? Is this Regency-Era London? No other guy has ever been civil to her? This is the great power he has over her? Oh, AnaBella. There is so much more to life. Too bad you’ve never tried to learn what.

Back at home, Kate is walking around and talking for some reason, and I wonder if the author has ever had the flu. Either Kate was faking, or the soup AnaBella made for her had angel tears in it, because she’s all ready for food and to talk about Christian Grey. AnaBella gives Kate her tape and muses that Chrisward is so very cryptic and arrogant because a guy who takes his responsibilities seriously, and who doesn’t appreciate personal questions about his sexuality is just an enigma wrapped in a Batman cape and deep fried in the blood of orphans.

In my notes, I have: protagonist: ur doin it rong

So, Kate can tell that Chrisward was totes into AnaBella from the recording and teases her about it, so AnaBella throws herself into studying and work in order to not get all hot and bothered by the implications of Chrisward liking her. Are we in middle school?

To keep her mind busy, AnaBella calls her often-married mother who immediately picks up on the fact that AnaBella met someone because that’s how mothers work. She then calls her mother’s second husband, who AnaBella considers to be her father. He apparently taught her the difference between a hawk and a handsaw. I must be a genius, because I didn’t need my dad to teach me the difference between the two.

hawk

handsaw





It’s also really good that AnaBella knows the difference, since there are a lot of hawks in Washington State, and she works at a hardware store. It’d be terrible if she mixed them up.

We eventually meet José, who is totally not Jacob because Jacob is Native American, and we all know that South Americans, Mexican Americans, and Native Americans have nothing in common with each other. José brings our minority count to two, and considering that there are only three actually white characters so far, this book is already 100% more racially diverse than Twilight.



Joscob has the same role in this novel as in Twilight, which is to be in love with AnaBella, but in an unrequited way. He is a photographer, and a studio in town wants to display his photos, and I love this because I think every college student has a friend who is either an artist or a photographer, and they always manage to get their work displayed somewhere, and then everyone has to go and see it and ooh and ahh like they’re Ansel Adams or Van Gogh, so nicely played, Author.

AnaBella goes to work at the hardware store where she firmly knows the difference between a hawk and a handsaw, but no word yet on whether she can tell the difference between a paint gun and a porcupine. Of course Christian Grey walks into the store, and of course AnaBella can tell what he’s wearing from his boots to his cream-colored sweater. I have in my notes: chrisward cullrey is standing behind her counter, and she knows the sort of boots he's wearing already. walking boots. when customers stand behind your counter, you look at their shoes first. of course he's wearing a neutral color. and of course he's at the hardware store by sheer coincidence.

Stalking: ur doin it rite.

So, this is the “warm and husky” voice quote part:

"his voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel...or something."

Yes. Or something. That is what ten dollars buys you. Or something.

Chrisward spends a lot of time smiling enigmatically like he has a secret only he knows. I can understand someone laughing at a private joke, because I’ve been on both the giving and receiving end of that, but I don’t get how you get that from a smile. I’ve seen smiles be mocking or grateful, or acknowledging an act of kindness. But if I’m talking to someone and they’re smiling, I tend to think they’re smiling at me or at the situation we’re in. The only time I’d think someone was smiling at something I wasn’t a part of is if they were on their own, in which case, their smiling at some secret thing would make sense. AnaBella really projects a lot onto Chrisward. And there can be no other explanation because the narrator is Word of God, and that’s all we get. How about, “He’s smiling, and I hope he’s smiling at me and not laughing at a private joke he’s thinking of as I talk to him.”

So, Chrisward is at the hardware store for really creepy stuff like zip ties, duct tape, and rope. I can’t help but wonder if he has a van with tinted windows and an airbrushed painting of unicorns and naked women on it in the parking lot.

Zip ties, duct tape, and rope. Maybe he’ll invite AnaBella to his pad to check out his severed toe collection later.

We find out that AnaBella thinks her subconscious resides just below her medulla oblongata (brain stem just doesn’t sound sexy enough, I guess), and then a friend returns from Stanford and gives Bella a nice hug, then puts his “possessive” arm around her shoulder. This is not a friendly arm or a comforting arm. It is possessive. AnaBella can tell these things because she's psychic.



I have this in my notes: christian grey is watching them like a hawk. good thing she knows he's not watching her like a handsaw. (no, I will never let this go. Couldn't it have been "The difference between a bansaw and a handsaw? Or a hawk and an eagle?)

AnaBella continues to be convinced that Chrisward is talking in double entendres, but has no concept that she’s a box of Hefty heavy duty trash bags away from selling him a serial killer kit, so I at this point am sure that she has a dirty, juvenile mind prone to flights of fancy, yet she is unable to live in the real world.

Thankfully, Chrisward walks “with renewed purpose” out the door before AnaBella can embarrass herself any further, and I just have to stop and remind everyone of the many projections AnaBella puts onto Chrisward. Along with double entendres, being arrogant, and smiling at his own secrets, he now walks with renewed purpose? I get the impression that this means he leaves with a quick step. Does she not think that he’s trying to get away from her? Is he just so excited about his Jeffrey Dahmer special that he’s purposing to get to stalking and killing someone for fun tonight?

Stay tuned for more idiocy.

Edit from the future: Okay, I just finished all three books, and this whole part is put in at the end through Christian's perspective. I loved it because you get to see Christian being a complete and utter asshole without Bella...er...Ana...attempting to convince you that he's just OMGSohandsomeOMG.

So...handsome?

It was also awesome because Ana's jacket is totes from Walmart! Ha! I can't believe I got that right! I totally punched the sky when I got to that part. The roof was too low and I had to raise it.

I also loved how overbearing and controlling he already wanted to be, when he noticed it was raining and he wanted to "forbid" her to drive in the rain. Hey, asshole! Thousands, perhaps millions, of people drive when it rains. The precipitation in the Pacific Northwest is such that one must expect rain almost all the time. If you want someplace dryer? Try moving to Southern California. Ask anyone; it never rains here. The bottom line is that if you expect to "forbid" Ana to drive in the rain, then you are basically asking her to never drive. Grow up. Get a life.

Ladies, if you think this guy is in any way attractive or what you'd want in a man, please see a counsellor and find out why you'd enjoy an abusive relationship.

Baby, we are so good. Laters.

Fifty Shades of Puke

I keep circling this book.

On the one hand, I know it's going to be horrible.

1. The chances that a fanfiction writer has actually researched the complexity of the D/s relationship is highly doubtful.

2. The chances that a Twilight fan would know any position other than Missionary is highly doubtful.

3. The chances that a Twilight fanfiction writer can write good BDSM in a coherent way is highly doubtful.

4. The chances that a Twilight fanfiction writer can fill in the rest of the book with a coherent plot is highly doubtful.

However

5. The chances that I would enioy this book in any way is highly doubtful, and my friend Cassandra always says I write better reviews when I hate the book so

6. I might just do it.


Edit: I just found this quote at Reasoning with Vampires:

Related Quote: “Twilight at least has the benefit of being fascinating in its awfulness, like a car wreck where you can’t tell if the primary cause was one driver’s cataracts, another driver’s onset of peanut allergy, the rockslide, the sudden appearance off a horde of rabid badgers, or the mysterious solar eclipse. Fifty Shades of Grey is just a drunk driver. Both are hailed as automotive revolutions.” — Audreyii