Chapter By Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter Eight

Okay, we are 32% done, and we're still on the same damn day as we've been on for about twenty percent now. Let's see if we get another day by the end of this chapter.

If you remember from last time, Ana and Christian went to a charity ball and had sex in Christian's childhood bedroom after he bid a hundred thou for a dance with her. Sounds like he got his money's worth. Then, they went back to Christian's delux apartment in the sky and found that his ex-sub Leila had slashed Ana's tires and poured paint over her car. It's not like she liked the car or cared for it, though, so...eh. Besides, like Taylor isn't going to be driving her everywhere from now on.

Ana married to Christian would totally be the embodiment of the joke, "Why do women need shoes? It's not like their feet can get dirty between the kitchen and the bedroom."

Anyway, now Christian is going to help Taylor, the ex-Black Ops Navy Seal Merchant Marine cum Bodyguard search the house even though Ana is worried. Because it's not like he'd have taken a strip out of her hide if she had pulled a stunt like this, but it's Christian, so he can do whatever the hell he wants. Because he's an asshole.

Sawyer, Taylor's counterpart (Christian only hires blonde women and men who have a "Y" in their last name, but only if that last name ends in "R"), tells Taylor that Christian is going into the apartment, and Taylor reacts like he's really concerned and frightened for Christian. Ana is worried because of this, but again, since it's Christian, it's not like there's anything she can do. The power dynamic in this relationship is completely one-sided.

Ana says she feels impotent. Oh, if only. If only.

Finally, Christian opens the front door and Sawyer pulls his gun on him. This could be a hilarious scene, but like everything else in the book, the author is completely unable to remove the spotlight from Ana and Christian for even a moment to play out what could be really humorous, but instead we get Ana still completely freaked out, "drinking [Christian] in" and just being worried about him and herself, and not caring that there's a group of bodyguards around who get paid to take bullets for her.

You can tell how much I don't like this book when my biggest beef so far is that Ana's dress apparently zips up the back. I haven't encountered an evening gown for ages that zips up the back. Back zippers are so cumbersome and show up too much. Side zippers are so much better. It makes me wonder if the author had a specific dress in mind, or if she even thought about this.

Anyway. Sorry, I know it seems nitpicky, but I've dressed up a few times recently, and even my cheapo sexy secretary dress zips up the side.

(Yes, I have one. I wear it with really high heels.) (No, you can't see a picture) (I know, your day is just ruined now.)

Nevar Forget

Ana wants Christian to call the police, but he says she needs psychiatric help, not police intervention. Goodness, it's not like she's unhinged with a gun or anything. It's not like it's something the police should be aware of.

Ana goes to bed and stares at the ceiling, musing that so much has happened today. It's taken us...five?...chapters to get through this. Five? I think so. Do you think a lot has happened in one day, Ana? Do you think?

Ana dozes off finally, and then wakes up disoriented, sure that a black-clad figure is standing at the end of her bed. She turns on the light and finds no one. Christian isn't around either, so she wanders through the apartment and finds him yelling at Elena on the phone in his study. He's telling Mrs. Robinson to leave Ana alone.

Honestly, Ana should handle this. If it comes from her, it will be so much better than coming from this lady's ex-sub. I don't see how Elena could ever really take Christian seriously since she used to Domme him, and he was an adolescent when she started raping him, so that just leaves a lot of incredulity in her mind where he's concerned. Ana, on the other hand, is sort of a threat to her, and I think she'd do better hearing it from her. Plus, it might make Ana a more interesting character. When she was yelling at Mrs. Robinson in the previous chapter, it was actually interesting.

Christian looks up finally to see Ana standing in his doorway, wearing one of his t-shirts. I'm reminded of a comedian who said that when a woman puts on her boyfriend's shirt, she looks hot, but the same is not usually true for a man putting on a woman's clothes.

Depends on the guy, I guess.

Anyway, instead of suggesting a clothing swap, Christian tells Ana she should be in satin and silk. They don't breathe as well as T-shirts do, though, so hopefully she won't go there.

Christian tells Ana that if anything ever happend to her because of him...we don't know what because he doesn't finish the sentence. Ana promises that nothing is ever going to happen to her.

They go into the bedroom and find the balcony open.

Okay, Christian lives at the top of a penthouse building. How on earth did Leila manage to climb up there? I mean, anything more than about three stories would require some pretty heavy-duty equipment, right? I mean, this story pretty much left the realm of believability a year ago, but I sort of feel like this whole Tom Cruise Mission Impossible bullshit should be left out of it just to give us a little bit of reality to cling to.

Anyway, now everyone starts galvanizing into action, sure that Leila is still in the house somewhere. I think Leila missed an opportunity to SWF these two. If she really knows the house well enough to hide from Taylor while he's searching for her, then she could have gone for months watching these two.

Ana thinks Christian should just try talking to Leila, but he won't do that. He thinks she's too unstable for that. He wants to run off with Ana instead. Before they leave, Ana gives Taylor a hug and tells him to be careful. Wanna bet that one or both of them will be in trouble from Christian in the near future?

Ana finally gets a look at her Audi A3 in the parking garage and wonders how Leila knew it was her car. Christian says that he buys one for all of his subs since it's the safest in its class. Ana snarks that he told her it was a graduation gift. He reminds her that she was never his submissive "Despite what [he] hoped."

Ana wants to know if he's terribly disappointed at her not being his current sub. He finally answers her and he's like, "What do I have to do to convince you that I don't want that anymore?" Um...hm...this is a thought: stop treating her like she's your walking, talking doll for you to play with and dress up and fuck whenever you feel like it and start treating her like she's an actual human being.

Oh, no, Ana just wants him to tell her about himself and tell her that he loves her. She doesn't voice this because communication isn't something she does. I think this really bothers me a lot--Christian is actually pretty good about communication. He talks to her, he tells her what she wants to know. Ana just stays in her head.

Of course, whenever she does voice an opinion, he yells at her, so maybe there's a reason for that.

Ana brings up Dr. Flynn and wants to know if Christian really believes she'll leave him if she ever found out the truth about what he talks to Dr. Flynn about. Christian's sure of it. Ana thinks he doesn't have faith in her, so he brings up that she did in fact leave after the last time he showed her that part of himself to her. I just...she left him because he beat her and he wanted to continue to beat her. No matter how much they keep talking about the safe word, that was how the first book ended. It wasn't because Ana didn't use a safe word, it was because he wanted to beat her continuously to make himself feel better, whenever he needed to make himself feel better. I don't know, maybe I'm naive, but I think that once you get past that, there's not a lot he could do or say at this point that's much worse than that. We shall see, however.

Ana tells Christian that his dad told her about how he didn't talk for two years, and Christian seems upset about this. He wants to know what else "Daddy" said about him. Ana brings up what Mia said about his "brawling," and Christian is sort of exasperated, but he's not all angry that she knows about him. This is...a good sign, actually. I mean, I figured he'd be all angry at this point, but he's not.

They get to a hotel, and Ana's positive that the receptionist is trying to figure out what a perfect god like Christian is doing with an ordinary girl like her. I just want to say again that I can't imagine a guy so good looking that a woman would really be that flustered around him.

Wait, I just thought of one...

They go to the hotel suite and Christian pours them both a drink, then reminds us all that it's till the sam fucking day by saying, "It's been quite a day, huh?"

Yeah. Most couples don't go through this much on their wedding day.

Christian comments that Ana isn't whining or crying or running away, and he finds it to be amazing. I think it shows just exactly how mentally unstable she is that she's not headed towards a meltdown right now. I mean, I'm just reading about it and all I want is for this day to end and to maybe sleep through the next one or two days and then just sort of have tea and crepes for breakfast, brunch, elevenses, lunch, supper, dinner and midnight snack before going back to bed again.

Mmmmm...crepes...

They go and have sex, and I don't fault them for that. It's comfort sex, I'm sure. I hope they're going to fall asleep after that, but of course we have to talk more.

Ana muses that Christian is so much more "open" with her than before, and she doesn't want to lose sight of his "Simple, honest journey" or some such shit. IT'S BEEN THREE WEEKS, OKAY?


Finally, they fall asleep.

Oh thank whichever deity or non-deity you believe in. Good GOD that was a long day.

Christian tries to get Ana out of bed once she's awake, and this is a nice change from how he's usually trying to get her into bed. He swats her on the ass, and she decides that it's his idea of affection.

Um...ain't nothing wrong with a good ass-slap first thing in the morning, babe. There really is this sort of all-or-nothing thinking in this book, which is odd since it's called Fifty Shades of Grey. You'd think there'd be more gray areas to work with. Just saying!

Ana chalks her soreness to the sex and the dancing and the high heels. After a day like hers, I'd have called it muscle fatigue. Because, lest you forget, it was a long fucking day.

Christian tells Ana that she needs to eat because she'll need her strength. Ana's hopes it's because they're going to be locked in the bedroom all day, but Christian says they're going out. Ana tries to tease and asks if it's safe. Christian is of course all clowny faces and smiles when he tells her that it's no laughing matter.

Get a sense of humor, asshat.

The doctor arrives to give Ana more contraception, and Ana grumbles internally that she can never have a nice, normal morning.

Hey, that's her fault.

The doctor decides to give Ana a contraceptive shot. I don't know...since Ana doesn't want to get pregnant any time soon, wouldn't an IUD or an implant be better? One of my friends gets the shot, though, and she likes it. You go in every three months and they inject you. Anyway, I'm sure that this information isn't just in here for no good reason, so I'm sure it'll be important in the future! (Yeah, right), so yay! We know what kind of contraception Ana is on!

Christian notes that Ana's in a bad mood, so she finally confesses that the doctor scared her into thinking there was a chance of pregnancy. This is stupid; it was really stupid of the doctor. Yes, there's always a chance when you have sex that you could get pregnant, but they used condoms, and Ana was on the pill and had her period, so everything really should be okay. Ana tells Christian that she was more worried about his reaction than anything else, really, and he says that he doesn't know what to do about her bad mood. He would normally beat it out of her.

How would beating someone put them in a better mood? I don't see how that would work.

Ana tells him that him holding her helps.

They shower together, and after Christian washes Ana off, he asks her to do the same to him. She notices how tense and frightened he is as she touches him, and she starts crying because it's sort of upsetting for her. She keeps imagining him as a hurt little kid, which I guess would be sad if it's someone you love, and Christian tries to reassure her.

This is a scene where you see what this book could have been in the hands of a better author. It could have really been quite a good book.

Ana tells Christian that he's a lovable person (yeah, right) and that she does love him, and so do his family and even Leila and Elena. She then says that she knows he loves her back.

"Yes," he whispers. "I do."

Hey, there's a chapter break here! That's really good. We're now at 37%. Huzzah!

Ooh, one last picture of Richard Armitage and Neal McDonough. I hope I didn't just melt your computer.
(Yes, he's pasty and blond, but he's pretty cute.)

Chapter By Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter Seven

Hey, everyone. I know I haven't been around a lot. Some of you took me off of your "feed" or whatever. Some of you are probably seeing me again and like, "Meh. I lost interest."

Yeah, whatevs. I'm seeing this to the bitter end! And bitter it is.

Anyway, huge crapload of excuses are back here, but mostly, I just finished my semester of college, got on vacation, and didn't feel like writing. I mean, do I have to?

Yes, I probably have to.

But you aren't here to listen to me talk about being in college as a thirty-something, as the title of my blog would imply. No, you are here for Fifty Shades of Idiocy. Let us slog on.

When last we were with Christian and Ana, lo those many months ago, they were at a charity ball following a huge, complicated day full of ex submissives, hair cuts, ex dommes, fighting, sex, make-up sex, and blatant foreshadowing about said ex submissive.

Yes, that all happened in one day.

Now they are at the ball, and Ana just bid all of her car money for a weekend at Christian's place in Aspen. That sound you hear is John Denver rolling in his grave.

"I dream of my home Starwood in Aspen...no, don't go there!"

 

Now Ana is freaking out because naturally, Christian is going to be pissed. How dare she give her own money to charity! That little bitch! Christian says, "I don't know whether to worship at your feet or spank the living shit out of you."

Yes, this is a man who has charity at his heart. This guy is a keeper.

Ana's like, "Spank me, yo."

Freakin doormat.

This is what I imagine Ana looks like.

 

 

 

She starts fondling him under the table. I need to find that list I made of what they should be doing instead of having sex, because I have a feeling I'm going to need it soon. Why? Because "Everything south of my navel contracts. This is becoming unbearable."

Oh, Ana. Truer words were never spoken. Only, I need to make one small correction. It's been unbearable since the beginning.

Mia cockblocks the couple (oh, thank GOD that girl is good for something!), and she pulls Ana over to be the person to auction off men for a charity dance. Christian's all, "We won't be dancing, though." Ew.

Now we get to remember that Ana is making Christian into something that no one has ever seen before, because she leans down and kisses him, making just absolutely everyone at the table gape at her and him. They've never seen him with a date before, see, so this is just ca-razy!

Oh, wait, the girls are being auctioned off. Ten bucks says that Ana will fetch a higher price than any other woman there, and not just because Christian is bidding for her. Because she'll be the one all the men want. Just wait.

Okay, in the last chapter (or maybe the one before that), Christian bought Ana some Cartier diamond earrings. Those things had to have been tens of thousands of dollars, but Ana had no qualm about accepting them. Accepting money for her car, however, was a note of contention. And now she's feeling guilty that Christian will be spending money on her to dance with her. It's for charity, but that doesn't matter to her.

Seriously, I know I keep saying that it doesn't make sense, but everytime I think I've gotten comfortable with the levels of nonsense going on, the author just pulls me down another rabbit hole. This doesn't make sense!

We find out from Mia that Christian used to get into fights when he was younger. This somehow astounds Ana. I keep saying she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but jeez louise here, people. Oh, duh, I wonder what Christian used to do for fun when he was a kid? The same thing he does for fun now, of course! Beat the crap out of people! Good God, y'all.

Oh, I see. Since he likes Tudor choral music, he can't be a brawler.

I just want to point out that Anthony Hopkins beat a man to death (after biting him) while listening to J. S. Bach and then skinned another man's face off so he could disguise himself, while listening to the same Goldberg Variation.

And he enjoyed himself while doing so.

Christian is now watching Ana like a hawk. Again, thank goodness we know the difference between that and a handsaw by this point.

Now Mia discloses that around the time Mrs. Robinson took Christian in to be her sub, he stopped getting into so many fights. Oh dear. So the author understands these things are connected too.

This is what I find so troubling: The author knows Christian is a terrible person. She just doesn't care. I'd think this was all some social experiment to see if women really forgive handsome men for doing anything to them, but it's been too long since the books released, and she hasn't confessed yet. I think she's serious about this. That's the scariest part. She really thinks Christian is all that.

The "And a bag of Doritos" is silent.

It's Ana's turn to be bid on, and Christian offers ten thousand bucks. Some other guy counters with fifteen. Oh please. Of course he's some friend of Christian's, helping Christian out.

This is the thing here: this is a charity auction, so it's really awesome that Christian and whoever want to up the bidding amount and really get a lot of money for the charity, these guys are making it about themselves. You can actually donate as much as you like anonymously to these causes. You don't have to put on some huge show so that everyone in the world can see you humping your girlfriend's leg. These are the people who propose on that huge TV at sporting events. They're the ones that make out in public. They're the ones that ignore everyone around them in favor of each other because no one in the world is nearly as interesting or important as they are. They are class A assholes, and they think that they're awesome.

Christian "buys" Ana for a cool hundred grand.

Ana's all, "Who was that masked man?" only the author doesn't take the time to write that out, much to the detriment of the book. I mean, come on! You're at a masked ball! It's the one time you can say something like that! Anyway, Christian's fine introducing the guy to Ana, but first he's going to have sex with her. As you do at a ball.

Christian takes Ana into his childhood bedroom to do what every teenaged boy has ever dreamed: Have sex with a girl. Except, he's nearing thirty and he admits he's never had a girl in his room. Ana reacts like this is a good thing. I mean, I was an overweight, awkward kid with glasses and bucked teeth, but I still managed to get a boy in my room. I mean, I was a senior in high school, but I managed it!

Anyway, we are a-go for masked sex during a charity ball at Christian's parents' house with people milling around all over the place, so that means they're having sex in a way that would not be normal for a normal couple. Maybe doubly so because he brings up how she bid on his charity package which was just such a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad thing for her to do. Or at least it is in whatever alternate reality these people exist in.

So, what could they be doing instead of having sex? The thing is, they're at a charity auction. It's not like they should be eating dinner or in the middle of a movie, they're actually in a place where they should be doing something good for...uh...*reareads* kids who are addicted to drugs. Right-o, that's what they're there for. See, it's been so freaking long since she started all of this that I've forgotten what's going on! This is not how you write a book!

So, anyway, since this is a charity that *foreshadowing* is near and dear to the Grey household, particularly the Eltern Grauen, I propose that they do something to actually benefit those that are impacted by drug abuse. This could be as simple as helping to sponsor a meeting place for the local chapter of Narcotics Anonymous. Or, you know, this is a really crazy idea, but they could get the heck back down to the party, talk to people, encourage them to give, and keep their minds on what's going on around them.

As they get dressed, Ana notices a small black and white photo on the bulletin board. It's of a woman who looks familiar to Ana (dun-dun-dunnnnn), but Ana can't place her. Who is it? Oh, no one of consequence.

Come on. I mean, really. Who is it? Duh, Christian's birth mother, maybe? Jeez.

They dance together (this is still the same day, remember?), and finally, Ana gets to meet themasked man. It's Christian's psychiatrist. He's British. Well, thank goodness we have that descriptor. I mean, the author can't give anyone a personality, but she can give him an accent.

They talk nonsense, and when Christian gets her back, she's all, "Oh, he told me everything." This panicks Christian because that's a normal reaction. Ana tells him she's just kidding, and he visibly relaxes. Oh yes. I hope I can meet a man like this some day. That would be so very nice. Oh my.

Ana remembers that she left her purse at her table, and she goes back to get it....

.....and runs into Mrs. Robinson.

Yes, this is still the same day!

Mrs. Robinson says that Christian is in love with Ana and Ana's all, "Bwuah? Really?" I'd go for "Same Shit, Different Day" here, but it's the same fucking day! The same day! 25% of this book is all spent on one stupid, never ending day! It's the day that never ends. It just goes on and on, my friends. Some people started living it not knowing what it was, and now they'll be living it forever just because...

Mrs. Robinson gives Ana the "You hurt him, I'll kill you" speech. Ana finds this deliciously ironic. No, not because he hurts her, but because Mrs. Robinson molested him when he was a teenager. Mrs. Robinson brings up last Saturday (yes, it's only been a week since they broke up and got back together), and Ana feels bad.

Do we have to go over this again, too?

Ana's like, "If I ever leave him again, you come and talk to me. I'll give you a piece of me then."

Both women are staring off here. Ana leaves and Christian sees her. He finds the irony in the situation, but Ana still doesn't. Christian offers to talk to the lady, but Ana's all, "No way, Jose...remember him?"

Ana goes into the bathroom, but when she comes out, Christian is on the phone, obviously with Mrs. Robinson. Ana doesn't get all possessive (that's Christian's job...), but she is a little upset. They decide to stay and watch some fireworks.

Since this is still the same day, Christian's dad asks Ana to dance with him. Ana uses the time to interrogate the poor man and we learn that Christian didn't speak for about two years after he was adopted. Grey Senior acts like Ana's going to marry Christian, and let's face it; it's a foregone conclusion. I mean, that's how this thing is going to end, right? Married, happy, 2.5 children?

Oh my gosh, it's still the same day and the same chapter. Now Christian and Ana are strolling around the grounds until they feel at home. Here's to you.

The fireworks finally start, and when they are ove, Ana's all, "Suddenly, I feel very tired."

You and me both, chica. You and me both.

Mia tries to detain them, but they're both too tired. Good gracious. IT'S STILL THE SAME FREAKING DAY, PEOPLE! Making it worse, Christian says that tomorrow is going to be a big day.

I'm starting to fear for my sanity. No wonder Christian's insane. Doesn't he ever just relax and read a book in front of the fire place? Maybe he should get a cat. If I stay out too late, Mr. Chekhov is always on hand to scold me like I don't already have a dad.

Christian says that it will be a big day because Dr. Greene is coming by to give Ana more contraception because he hates condoms. Ana's all, "It's my body." Christian's like, "It's mine too."

Oh, ugh. Welcome to the 21st century, y'idjits.

Have I mentioned that we're still on the same chapter?

Mrs. Robinson left Ana a letter inviting her to lunch for a chat about Christian. Christian's like, "I'll deal with her later."

Back at the Grau Haus, Christian notes that it's been a long day. You're telling me, buddy.

They can't go into Christian's apartment. Someone (Leila) slashed Ana's tires and threw paint all over her car. Christian, Taylor, and two other guys go to investigate if anyone is in the house.

Thank God, it's over. This chapter is, anyway. We're 32% done now, guys! Whew.

Okay, I'm making a committment to update once a week with this. Hopefully we'll be done soon.

Chapter By Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 5

When last we left Christian and Ana, Christian had taken Ana to the salon owned and operated by his former mistress, whom Ana likes to call Mrs. Robinson owing to the large age difference and the fact that Christian was a teenaged boy when she started training him to be her sub.

Sort of makes the whole "You totally hugged Jose and kissed him on the cheek" thing seem nominal and stupid, no?

Oh, but this is Christian, not Ana, so it's okay. You see, Jose and Ana never actually slept together, so they have WAY more of a connection than Christian and Mrs. Robinson have, so it's totally normal for Christian to spend time with his ex-lover while it's wrong for Ana to do anything platonic with Jose. That's the way life works.

So, Ana gets into another conversation with her "sub-conscious" (I'm going to pretend that it's an imaginary friend that she calls Sub  Conscious) about how it's so upsetting that Christian has a good relationship with the pedo woman who had sex with him when he was a teenager, but really after Jacob and Renesmee, this seems pretty tame to me, so I guess I just don't care right now.

Mrs. Robinson finally realizes that Ana's unhappy, so she tells Christian about it. I sometimes just want to know what the author was actually going for with Christian. I mean, I really can't tell. Is he supposed to be smart-yet-naive? But all I get from him is the "me, me, me"-centeredness of a narcissist. I would think that even a guy who has never dated before would know better than to trot the new girlfriend in front of the old lover. Christian's naivete does not come across as innocent misconception, but rather as blatant unfeeling towards Ana. I just get the feeling that it's supposed to look like something else, that the author is attempting to paint Christian in a different light, but I can't figure out what that light is supposed to be. All I see is him being a jerk, especially in light of the Jose/Ana thing.

So, Christian finally figures out that Ana's not real happy and asks her what's wrong. She wants to go. Now.

They walk for a bit, and Ana aks him terse, tense questions about how he's taken other girls there, and they've all met Mrs. Robinson, though none of them knew who she was in relation to Christian. She turns and faces him, and he seems to be frightened.

This is the first NORMAL thing that Christian has done so far. He should be frightened. This is so messed up, and Ana calls him on it. He sees now that it is messed up.

People bustle past us, lost in their Saturday morning chores, no doubt contemplating their own personal dramas. I wonder if they include stalker ex-submissives, stunning ex-Dommes and a man who has no concept of privacy under US law.

Aw, poor Ana! Gosh, it's so horrible that your life is so much more complicated than anyone else's! You poor, poor dear. I mean, it's not like you can actually just walk away from this guy, change your identity, flee to a foreign country where he can't find you or anything. You're just totally and completely stuck here.

Good gracious. Yes, wallowing in self pity is a valid choice to make when something bad happens, and it's always a really horrible, terrible thing because it's happening to you and not someone else. I get that. Trust me. But Ana has choices. This isn't a mom trying to decide whether she should stop packing lunches for herself so she can buy Christmas presents for her kids with the money she saves, or a guy whose wife left him and filed false charges of child abuse against him so she can gain sole custody of their kids. No one has made choices for Ana that she has to roll with here. I'm sorry she's got problems, but they're her problems. These are not global-scale issues. They are not injustices. They are not commentary on the very real issues that people face every day. They're superficial, and I just can't care because she can walk away.

Ana and Christian are totally Dee and Murray from Clueless. Except, you know, we like Dee and Murray. And they were teenagers, which made their daily dose of drama bearable.

Ana's virginity status totally went from "technical" to "non-existant."

While Ana is feeling sorry for herself, Christian gets a phone call where he says all kinds of cryptic stuff like, "She's here. She's watching us." And "Two or four, twenty-four seven...I haven't broached that yet." and then he looks at Ana and we're supposed to wonder what this means. Oh, the comments for this author when this was a fanfiction. "Wut duz Xtian meen wehn he sed htat!!111!" someone would say in their review. The author would smile to herself. "I guess you're going to have to wait until I update!" she'd think smugly.

Okay, Leila is obviously watching them, and Christian is apparently thinking of adding some sort of security detail to Ana, because that just wouldn't completely piss her off or ruin her life or anything. What does he think Leila's going to do to Ana exactly? She's had plenty of opportunity to hurt her or kidnap her at this point.

Of course, that just makes too much sense. Instead, they have a scene on the sidewalk. Christian wants Ana to go to his house for safekeeping (he could always have her stuffed like he did his last few victims...), but Ana isn't having it. So he picks her up and carries her over his shoulder, because that wouldn't be weird or upsetting.

See, this is all about Christian. He wants Ana safe because she's his. He wants her at his house because that's where he keeps his stuff. She is his stuff, therefore she belongs at his house. Her feelings don't count because she doesn't count. He counts, so his feelings are the only ones that matter.

Christian, in a nutshell

Ana gets a good mental list going of stuff she's mad about, but of course she never brings it up to him and instead demands he tell her about Leila. You see, while she was compiling her list, she figured out that something bad must have happened with Leila to make Christian even more unreasonable and megalomaniacal than he was before, and she's figured out that it's Leila.

She got a concealed weapons permit, apparently. Which makes no sense.Not only has there not been time for the requisite background check, but no law enforcement agency in America would sign off on a suicidal person getting a CWP. That's why you have to apply for it. It's not the same as buying a gun, which you also have to get a permit for. This is a permit that allows you to conceal a weapon on your person and carry it into stores, malls, parks, and certain public transportation. Leila wouldn't even be able to buy the gun in the first place, let alone get a CWP. I don't know who EL James thinks she is, but a researcher, she is not.

Also, if Leila is really operating under a psychotic break, then why would she bother to do things legally? Why not just find some back-alley grifter? Of course, I have a hard time believing she could talk a black market gun runner into selling her a gun if she's so unstable, but she'd have a better chance. That just makes no sense.

This whole part right here? It's because the author has to move things along. She has to create a plot, so this is how she does it. It's Deus Ex Machina on stupid pills. Maybe even crazy pills. Or crazy stupid pills. If Leila had just obtained an illegal firearm, Christian wouldn't be able to freak out. But the books are based on him freaking out (like Edward! she screams. Only Edward from Growing Up Cullen, not Edward from Twilight.), so we have to freak out. Therefore, Leila gets a gun. It's so sloppy and lazy, but then so are the people who read this shit (including myself), so it passes.

No wonder the aliens want to become our overlords. Compared to Christian Grey, they'll be a cakewalk.

So, they go to Ana's house and she packs some stuff. She tells him that Ethan (Kate's brother, remember him? He's not really important) will be moving in on Thursday, so she'll need to be back by then. Christian is really pissed at this, of course, but it's totally not the same thing as his relationship with Mrs. Robinson.

Ana asks if all Christian's subs have been brunettes and if they look like her. He says yes.

Just think about that for a moment.

Mrs. Robinson was blonde, and Christian says that she put him off of blondes.

The first book with all the blonde interns is suddenly starting to get a whole lot creepier.

So, Christian surrounds himself with women he's not attracted to? What does that say about him?

Back at Casa Gris, Ana makes herself at home in the Sub Room and finds lots of expensive clothes in the closet. She gets upset and sad and calls her mom and it turns out her mom is having issues too. Ana seems surprised by this.

Okay, maybe the narcissism in this relationship goes both ways.

Actually, Ana cares about Christian. She doesn't care about anyone else. Christian cares about Christian, and he cares for others as far as they are important to him. So, he's the real narcissist. Ana's just self-centered and oblivious.

Christian walks into the closet (heh) and finds Ana sitting amongst the designer duds. He wants to know what the problem is. Ana wants to know why he's after her instead of a person who will actualy be submissive. It turns out that Ana gives him hope. She translates this to be cryptic in some way. I don't see how it is. If she doesn't love him for his money and actually expects stuff from him and it gives him hope, then that is not cryptic to me at all. So now I want to know what the author's plans are for Ana's characterization, because she seems like a big old drama queen to me. If Christian wanted to have pie for dessert, she'd analyze what that means in agonizing detail. "It's so weird that he wants pie!" she'd say to herself. "Why pie of all things? OMG, what does it mean?"

Christian's so deep, man.

Franco, Ana's hairstylist enters the scene. He's "small, dark, and gay." Ana loves him.

There is, of course, no reason to introduce Franco at all. He gets a paragraph and a few speeches. That's it, and he's done. We don't need to know anything about him, really, but we do. I have a suspicion that EL James is a character hoarder. She wants people in her books who aren't completely horrible, so she has this huge supporting cast. But then, she doesn't know what to do with them, so they just sort of exist off-stage, out there somewhere.

Christian, after the haircut, of course tries to get Ana in bed. She's having none of it, so she lists all of her grievances over lunch. One of her biggest grievances is that she can't touch him, but Mrs. Robinson can. She actually holds out her hand to touch him, and he backs away and says, "Hard limit." It's one of the few "real" scenes we really get so I'm going to savor it for a minute. Christian doesn't want to be touched, and it's a condundrum for Ana because he loves to touch her, so how can he not want it for himself? He would feel deprived and devastated if he couldn't touch her. I mean, if this were a better book, this scene could be heartbreaking.

This ends and they have an argument about how he knows so much about her. The best part is that the author confirms what I've been saying. "He stares at me blankly, and there it is, his problem in a nutshell--empathy, or lack thereof." and "This is it, the crux of his Fifty Shades, surely. He can't put himself in my shoes."

Let us all say it together: Narcissist!

Ana starts making an omelet and wonders if all men have no empathy and are baffled by women like Christian. Okay, she gets that he has no empathy, but then she turns it into him being "baffled" by her. No, this won't do. He knows what he does is wrong, and he knows it upsets other people. But because he's a narcissist, he can't understand how it makes them really feel on the inside. He doesn't get how voilating it is, how upsetting it would be for your name and social security number to be in a file in your boyfriend's study along with lists of known contacts and highschool yearbook photos. It's creepy and strange and one step away from starting a frozen toe collection in the basement. It's not normal. It's the opposite of normal. It's just crazy.

Christian comes to watch Ana dance and cook and tries to get close to her, but she pushes him away. "How long are you going to keep this up?" he asks. See, to him, this is a game. It's something she's doing in order to get whatever it is that she wants. The thought that she's actually pissed off about something real does not enter into his equations, because he has justified all of his actions, and to him there is no argument. He's right, she's wrong. End of story. Now he just has a waiting game to see how long she can be angry at him while she deprives herself of all the hot sexxorz he could be giving her. Because that's a huge motivation, you know.

Protip: most women can do it better on our own. We don't need you guys. Sometimes we want you guys. But we don't need you.

Thankfully, Taylor comes around and interrupts them. They eat lunch and Christian turns into Mr. Bad Mood, which is almost indistinguishable from his usual self. Ana notes that he's like several people in one body and wonders if that's schizophrenia.

No, Ana, it's not. Schizophrenia is usually accompanied by delusions and hallucinations, both auditory and visual. Christian is a narcissist. I don't know how many times I have to point this out to you. It's one thing to mess around with concealed weapons permits, it's another to bring this sort of thinking into the book. People with psychological and neurological disorders already have enough trouble, we don't need people like you getting involved and making these ascertations, EL James. Jeez. Next she'll be saying that poor Leila is bipolar or something equally stupid.

Well, at least Christian walks in on Ana reading over the MPD wikipedia page, so I hope she's happy. They joke about her research a little, and then he hands her a "harlot red" tube of lipstick.

Well, that's great, James. Let's relegate all colors to specific types now, shall we? Harlots get red, I guess good girls get light blue since you dress Ana in that color all the time. You know, maybe The Handmaid's Tale was really onto something with their classifications. Of course, then you'd have to say "unwomen" instead of "harlots," so that's getting a little complicated.

So, Ana's slut-shaming a tube of lipstick. Both she and Christian agree it's not her color, and it's sort of like it's no-one's color. No one respectable. He wants to use it to roadmap his body so she knows where she can touch. He suggests he could get a tattoo, but Ana can't imagine him "marring" his beautiful body in such a way.

Oh ugh, now we're lifestyle-shaming.

Great work here, James! Maybe you can say a few despariging things about the GLBTQ crowd and work in a slight against migrant workers, and we'll be all set for understanding your views of the world. Yes, tattoos are just teh ebul! OMG! I bet only schizophrenics get them. Gay schizophrenic migrant workers who wear fire engine-red lipstick and really high heels.

Oh, wait, you don't seem to have a problem with really high heels. Hmm...Maybe EL James is the one who doesn't know who she truly is. (I think she's Mitt Romney.)

Ana uses the red lipstick to draw a sort of boundary on Christian. Like the boundary you'd get if you drew a vest or a wife-beater (ha!) on someone with fire engine-red lipstick.

The chapter ends, thankfully, before they have sex.

And we're done for the night. More to come.

Chapter by Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades Darker Chapters Prologue-One

When last we left our intrepid couple, Ana had just left Christian because he beat the crap out of her for rolling her eyes at him. It should be noted both that Christian has rolled his eyes at Ana numerous times, and that Ana indeed asked him to do it to her. This makes Christian both a hypocrite and a very stupid and sociopathic human being. In other words, the exact right person to walk out on.

When I first read this book, I was sure that half of it would be resolving the relationship issues between Ana and Christian, which should tell you how naive I am still with this author. If you've only read my synopses so far, then you probably have already figured it out. If not, then join the crowd because the horrible story telling has only been scratched at so far.

Prologue

This prologue is both stupid and makes no sense. I know that the same can be said about the entire book, but I want to pay special attention to the prologue because it's not only told from Christian's perspective while the rest of the book is told through Ana's exclusively, but it's also told through Christian's perspective as a very young child. It basically tells a story about how one day, a man came and beat up Christian's mom, which frankly makes his need to beat up women even worse owing to how horrified Woobie Christian is in his memory. After his mom is beat, the man turns on Christian. I'm not sure if it's supposed to be his dad, or if it's just his mom's pimp/pusher. As a story telling device, it doesn't do anything to further the story, and if it's supposed to make me feel sorry for Christian, then it's not doing his job. He's a grown man now. If he can't take control of his own life, then he needs to use the tools that are currently available to him to do so. Controlling everybody else's life (or, more specifically, Ana's life) won't make him better able to handle himself. In fact, I think worse of him because it shows how disturbed he is, how horrible he knows domestic abuse is, and yet how unwilling he is to face his demons.

Sort of like Gary Oldman's hairstyle in The Fifth Element, you're sure it has some deep meaning, but it's too ridiculous to look very closely at.

Chapter One

OMG, y'all, it's been three whole days since Ana's seen Christian. How is she surviving?

Not too well. She only has a brand-new job to keep her distracted, and we all know that's just not enough. Her new boss, Jack Hyde, the good looking guy with red hair and blue eyes tells her she's been doing a good job, but we're supposed to think he's sinister.

But Ana can't think too hard on that. She has a hole in her chest (could we not get farther away from Twilight here?) where Christian and her old VW Beetle used to be. Her apartment is as empty as her life is currently, and Ana finally misses Kate. Her best friend. That she hasn't texted or e-mailed or spoken to in weeks. Remember her? She featured a little heavily at the start of the first book.

Well, don't worry, we might not need to have her in this book either because there's a delivery at the door from Christian, flowers and a card congratulating her on her first day of work and thanking her for the gift she left him as she was walking out the door, a little glider replica. In order to keep herself from feeling too badly, she decides it's from Christian's secretary, not himself.

So, the days go on. She sleeps and cries and goes to work then goes home and cries and doesn't listen to music at all. She's decided she's become an island state (you know, like "Bloody Ibiza"? Nick Hornby hates you, EL James.) and that she doesn't need anyone.

John Bon Jovi once said, "No man is an island."
Simon and Garfunkel said, "I am a rock, I am an island."

So, Jack is all over her at work, asking personal questions and stuff. I'm sure he's like, "Do you want some coffee? I'm heading to Starbuck's." or, "Hey, we're all heading to the corner restaurant for lunch, wanna come?" and it's just excruciating for Ana. How dare he be all up in her grill? Who does he think he is, anyway? Her boss who will have to work closely with her and wants to make sure he's okay with her personality before he passes her through her probationary review? What a jerk.



Oh, but the bright light at the end of this tunnel...Christian e-mails Ana at her work and asks if she wants him to take her to Jose's show. While working out how Christian got her e-mail addy, she realizes that she'd forwarded her calls from her regular phone to the Blackberry Chrsitian had given her, and that's why no one has called her at all.

So, does she want Christian to take her to the show? Hells yeah she does! Oh my, golly gee willikers, my goodness! She's all twitterpated

Okay, so Christian's anguished face when she left haunts her. What about her anguished backside? Have we forgotten so quickly? I think Ana needs to reach out to one of those domestic abuse hotlines so she can find healing for the pain he's inflicted on her. Then she needs to go somewhere that he can't find her.

At work, Jack asks Ana to a drink Friday night to celebrate her first week. This makes her uneasy, and it should. It sounds like a date.

Bing Crosby thought I was hitting on him at first, too. He had talent.

I just want to point out for the umpteenth time that it really sucks how there can't just be a normal man around Ana. Jack, of course, has to be horrible because otherwise we might wonder why she doesn't get with him instead of Christian.

Ana leaves work and finds Jack at the door. He walks her out and "he's looking toward the Audi SUV in dismay." Um...okay. Yeah. I mean, one of those Porsche Cayenne's would show a guy who's totally posh and rich maybe, but an Audi SUV. Wow. Yeah, a guy like Jack Hyde would never have a chance against an Audi SUV.

Never gonna get it never gonna get it/never gonna get it never gonna get it...

Oh, is he looking at Christian inside of the SUV? Is a guy finally figuring out that Christian is just drop-dead gorgeous, does he recognize Christian? I spent the first book discussing the deplorable characters, I feel like the second book can be devoted to the deplorable writing.

So, Christian looks just gorgeous as always, and of course immediately begins berating Ana for not eating like he wants her to. It can't possibly be that she's had an intense emotional issue this last week and is sort of off her feed because of it. And of course, it's the first thing he says.

Okay, maybe I can complain about this relationship some more.

Ana gets persnickety with Christian, and instead of him being like, "Yeah, you're right, it's none of my business," he's all, "I don't wanna hear your lip, woman. Answer the damn question already." Ana rolls her eyes, which we all know is strictly verboten and then they both start laughing and then Ana starts crying and then Christian pulls her into his lap and they snuggle because this crazy fucked up relationship is clearly what they both want, so let them have it already.

They get in an elevator, and like always, they're ready to jump on each other. Christian tells Ana not to bite her lip because he can't quite remember why she walked out on him.

They strap into Charlie Tango, the helicopter, and they head out. This happens:

"We've chased the dawn, Anastasia, now the dusk," his voice comes through on the headphones. I turn and gape at him in surprise.

She's sure he meant to say "Twilight" instead of "Dusk."

They really ought to call the books "Boring women and the sexually ambiguous guys who stalk them."

Oh, wait, no. She thinks it's romantic, what he just said. Yeah. I mean...um...so romantical.

They talk a bit about the skyline. Christian tries to make a date, but Ana reminds him that they broke up. He gets a little upset at this. She snarks at him and he complains about her tone. Her response is pretty much, "Suck it up, big baby." He decides that he's missed her smart mouth.

You know. The one he liked to physically punish her over.

Finally, they arrive in Portland, and Ana realizes that she's only really been dating Christian for three weeks. For me, this is a wake-up call to everyone. You can't know someone that well in that short amount of time. Look at Marianne and Willoughby.

No, really. Look at them. Until Ana and Christian came along, they were my two least favorite people in literature. Now I think they're awesome. Thanks a lot, EL James. I never thought it was possible for someone to make a more vapid and shallow heroine than Marianne Dashwood, or a more self-serving jerkwad of a hero than Willoughby.

Marianne and Willoughby's love burned too brightly and too quickly. Like a piece of newsprint, it was bound to go up in smoke. Compared to people like Emma and Mr. Knightly, who had a twenty-two year romance, it was bound to fail. But I'm supposed to invest in this three-week long relationship.

Christian refers to Jose as "the boy" which is both vaguely racist and blatantly dismissive. Then he tries to get Ana to eat, which makes her mad. But we all know Ana has no fortitude for anger. She will never stick with it.

They go to Jose's show, and a lady of course drools all over Christian. Then she sees Ana and gets sort of familiar with her saying that she'll want Ana's take on the show. Both Christian and Ana are surprised at this, and Christian wants to know if Ana knows this lady. She doesn't.

Jose finds them and he's wearing a suit. I'm disappointed. I was hoping he'd be in a striped shirt and red beret or something.

My soul taps in time to the rhythm of your heart
I just ain't no good for you, baby

Ana hugs Jose like he's her liferaft. He's her only friend while Kat is away. She hasn't seen him for three weeks. She's such a great friend.

Jose wants to talk to Ana quite a bit, but there's a reporter who wants to talk to him. Christian comes back and finds Ana, remarking that Jose is a very good photographer. Sure, put some black and white film in anyone's hands, and they become Ansel Adams.

A reporter wants a picture of Christian, and he pulls Ana into the shot. Ana brings up how there are no photos of him with dates on the internet. Christian reminds Ana that he doesn't "do" dates with anyone but her.

Okay, they find pictures of Ana on one of the walls. Christian is pissed off, because that's his right. Oh, wait, no. It's Ana's right.

Really, Jose had no legal right to take pictures of Ana without her permission, particularly not for profit or personal gain. There is an expectation of privacy that people can have, and Jose has violated that expectation.

Christian buys all of the photos because he doesn't want a stranger "ogling" her.

Um...I'm imagining that Ana is fully clothed and not naked or sprawled anywhere. "Ogling" sounds too strong a word. It's also Christian's horrifying controlling coming out. What gives him the right? Hey, Ana, remember how you broke it off with this moron? Can you do that again.

No, of course she can't. She thinks this is all very cute.

And she thinks Christian is just gorgeous.

But then they have a short argument. She thinks that he can't tell her that he likes her "smart mouth" and then want to punish her when she crosses his lines. He wants her to actually communicate. Then he wants her to go and eat with him because she's clearly going to starve to death. He calls Jose "the boy" again, and Ana stands up for her friend.

Oh, but the last time Christian saw Jose, he was trying to kiss Ana. Well, he's never hit her, has he? Ana says. Christian calls that a low blow.

What does he call it when he hits her?

So Ana says goodbye to Jose like a good little Stepford Wife, and Jose gives her hugs and apologizes about the photos of her. Ana, true to her doormat nature, says it's okay and gives him a kiss. This of course enrages Christian and he pulls Ana outside so he can kiss her himself.

She's his. She's all his. She knows this, right?

So, not even one chapter in, and they're back together. Of course. I should have known.

Ana apologizes for having Jose as a friend and hugging him like she would a friend. She and Christian go off to eat together.

Sorry, guys. I know your day just got a lot worse. I know mine did. Why am I doing this? To myself? To you?  I honestly thought there'd be some down time between them while they both worked on their separate issues, and I even further thought that the book would be from Christian's perspective because of the prologue.

Anyway, here we are, right back where we left off. Christian is still ordering Ana around, and she's still taking it.

Be back with more soon.

Chapter by Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades of Grey: CH 24-THE END

Aw yeah! 85% done my peeps! I'm going to try and power through to the end here, so sorry in advance if this post ends up being eighty thousand words long.

Incidentally, I turned on my Kindle thinking that I had Fifty open only to discover that it was North and South instead which confused me because I didn't remember there being a Mr. Thornton in Fifty...so there you go. I can be dumb too, it's not just Ana.

Also, Emma Watson is apparently in talks to play Ana Steele in the Fifty movie, so if you had any lingering respect for Little Hermione Grainger, I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but then she did drop out of Brown U. Still, I didn't think she'd start slipping down the Lohan ramp so soon.

Oh Emma...how could you?

Onto the book

Chapter Twenty Four

Ana is dreaming. We know she's dreaming because Christian is in a cage. If it were real, Ana would be in the cage. He tells her to eat and "his tongue caress[es] the front of his palate as he enunciates the t."

I'll give you a minute to stop grimacing.

Okay, Christian wakes Ana up because he wants to chase the dawn with her.

Better than Chasing the Dragon, know what I mean?
(I don't know what I mean.)

Then, this happens: Ana is all reluctant to wake up because she's not an early riser, which I sympathize with. She realizes he's dressed (in black in case you were wondering) and she says, "I thought you wanted sex, yo," and he's all, "I always do, yo." Then Ana says this:

I gaze at him as my eyes adjust to the light, but he still looks amused...thank heavens.

Okay...why wouldn't he still look amused? Why would Ana think he was angry with her? Or, I don't know, whatever it is Ana would think he is? He is waking her up. If anyone has a right to be pissed, it's her. The time is apparently 5:30 AM, which in my family is usually titled "O-dark-thirty." It's early. Painfully early. And they were up late the night before. When I say that this relationship is unhealthy, this is what I mean. Ana has no boundaries and she's constantly in fear of Christian being angry because, mostly, he is.

So Christian tries to force Ana to eat, but it's too early for her. She finally explains that her stomach has to wake up too, so I guess this is progress. At 85% of the book being done, progress is finally made in the "communication" area of this relationship.

Christian takes Ana out in a convertible and they have some conversation about classical music before Ana finds Britney Spears on Christian's ipod, and he tells her that an ex-sub called Leila put it on there. Ana wants to know why they finished and Christian says it's because she wanted more. Or maybe she didn't ease his foolish pride. Who knows?

Anyway, he says he never wanted more until he met Ana, which is sweet I guess.

I'll admit it: When Grissom told Sara he'd only been interested in beauty since he met her, I melted a little.

They start discussing the other long-term girls, and Ana says something about not wanting kids for several more years which makes Christian make a face and she realizes that he doesn't want them ever. I guess Ana's too young to have "deal breakers" in her relationships, but this is a deal breaker for a lot of people. But of course it's not discussed because why would it be? It's not like this is an important piece of information for Ana to know from a guy she sees herself with in five years.

We meet up with Taylor at the airfield, and Taylor says that Christian has been "hell on wheels" all week without Ana.

Okay, Christian's arrangement with Ana is that they see each other on weekends only. Why does he care what she does on during the week? The author can't set up this nonlationship like this and then have her characters react this way! It's really poor writing, and it's unfair to the readers. It gives us literary whiplash. You have to choose a point and stick with it, making small adjustments over time until you get a character to turn 180 degrees. This author spends so much time on birch veneer coffee house tables, Taylor's green eyes, the fact that there are indeed blondes in the Seattle area working in offices (shocker!), how beautiful Kate is, what The Red Room of Pain looks like, what hotel rooms look like, the British accent on the guy at the airfield, Ana's mom's eight hundred  husbands, and all sorts of things that just. don't. matter, but we get nothing when it comes to the actual relationship between Ana and Christian.

Why do these two people like each other? They've never had a conversation or shared interests. We're only now learning what Christian's favorite movie is, and that he doesn't want kids. They have no common interests other than kinky sex that we know of yet, but we're supposed to believe in and support this relationship and think that they have such a strong bond when they've barely known each other for over a week.

For perspective: Pride and Prejudice takes place in the time span of two years. Emma is likewise about a year and a half look into the life of Emma Woodhouse. I'm not done with North and South yet, but so far two years have passed. I don't know how many years are taken up with Jane Eyre, but it's more than the others combined. There is no doubt in the reader's mind about why Emma and Mr. Knightly get along. Those books are as long as Fifty Shades, and yet you know more about freaking Lydia Bennet than you do about Anastasia Steele.

"Then I said to myself, 'Self, if you marry Wickham, then Papa will have to love you more than he loves Lizzie.' It was a genius plan."

So they're at an air field with a guy who has a British accent (is it a Northern accent?) and they're going to go gliding.

Little known fact: this romance novelist, Barbara Cartland, invented a specific Gliding Plane that was used during the Normandy invasion in WWII because she loved gliding so much, which renders her one of the most awesome romance novelists ever.

You dream of being this fabulous.

So, Ana has to put on a parachute which Christian of course straps her into. I was surprised that he trusted someone else to pack her parachute. Aren't you always supposed to pack your own? My army brother says yes.

So, a plane tows them into the air, and then it releases them, and Christian will use thermal wind changes to keep the plane aloft as it "glides" in a controlled crash to earth. It's basically like hangliding, but with a plane. Oddly, it's more secure. Go figure.

Ana loves it, and Christian does too.

They end up at IHOP where, of course, the waitress trips all over herself because of Christian. This is beyond old.

Rootie Tootie Fresh n' Fruity Breakfast coming right up!

We're still in the same chapter (!) and now Ana is back at home, and Christian is coming over for a nice family dinner. Ana gets a call from SIP, the publishing house she wanted to get a job from, and finds out that she got the job. I'm assuming that SIP stands for Seattle Independent Publishing or something similar. It's never actually stated.

So, it turns out that Christian has to cancel dinner because something suddenly came up.

The chapter ends eight pages later, and those pages are taken up with them e-mailing each other about how Ana talks in her sleep.

But now we're 91% of the way through!



Chapter Twenty Five

Ana's mom takes her to the airport and tells her to embrace life and remember how young she is and how much life she has ahead of her. When someone tells you how young you are, do you ever feel like saying, "Yeah, and you're so old!" back at them? I do. Anyway, Ana tries not to cry and gets on her plane. Something tells me she won't have Georgia on her mind.

Christian is of course what she's thinking of, but she starts wondering if he's capable of love. Because she wants to be loved. A lot.

Taylor meets Ana at the airport, and his eyes have turned brown somehow. The only reason I know this is because I made such a big deal about it in an earlier synopsis, so the change is grating. Are his eyes hazel? Do they change? What am I to make of this?

At Christian's apartment, he whisks Ana into the shower, and he's supposedly tense and upset about something that Ana doesn't know about, and she calls him a Greek god.

I'm pretty good with mythology, but I don't remember a Greek god being a redhead. Now, Thor on the other hand in the Teutonic pantheon, was a redhead. His mom was a Jotun giantess and his dad was Odin...he was supposed to have gotten his hair from his mom. I'm trying to remember what Poseidon was supposed to look like, but I think he was dark haired...

Donnerstag, or Thursday, is of course, "Thor's Day." The more you know!

Anyway, I'm sure it's supposed to be his body, but please don't try and pass some pasty Anglo-Saxon off as a Mediterranean hunk! This author wants me to think she's smart and witty, and she puts in passages from all sorts of classic novels, but she just can't try to go the extra mile and impress us with her vast knowledge of pantheons...if you're going to do something, do it all the way, is what I'm saying.

So, they have sex.

Oh look! An adorbs Elf Owl (one of the smallest species of owl and the smallest in North America) has taken up residency in a cactus! How cute! And practical, too.

After, Ana invites him to Jose's art show, and then he tells her that he's arranged "her" room for her and bought her clothes and stuff. Then he wants her in The Red Room.

I want to point out that they've had sex twice already.

In the room, Christian ties Ana to the bed and blindfolds her and puts earbuds in her ears. He elaborately flogs her in time to Spem in Alium, because knowing the name of the song is very important to us the reader, who cannot hear it. Again, if you can't have awesome characters, you can at least have an awesome playlist.

Chapter Twenty Six

We're 96% done! Woot!


Ana wakes up, and Christian is once again moping over his piano.

Ai putz mah emush--immos--feelins in mah playin kthx.

Ana wants to talk, Christian wants to screw. Who will win? Golly gosh, I'm on the edge of my seat!

Okay, so they do talk. Ana wants to know what happened with the contract, and Christian actually says the contract is moot. He expects Ana to follow the rules, especially in The Room, but he's willing to try for more. Ana can't remember the rules exactly, so Christian fetches a copy, and we are treated to them in all their glory for the fourth time.

Who needs three-dimensional characters when you can have three-dimensional rules lists?

Ana rolls her eyes at Christian, and then they run around the room. Christian for the second time says, "Life, the universe..." and leaves it hanging.

Okay, the first time he did it, I let it slide. But this is getting ridiculous. I don't care how clever and witty you are, Author. You are writing a book with your own words. Make up your own iconic phrases. Your inability to do so is only highlighted by your insistence of standing on the shoulders of other, better, iconic, time-tested and tried authors who actually brought new and interesting pieces of art into the world of literature. You are not Douglas Adams. The only room that you and Douglas Adams will ever be in together is the Library of Congress.

E. L. James, for crimes against literature, you are sentenced to remain in a room and listen to Vogon poetry for all eternity. And you will never have a proper cup of tea again. Ever.

Christian figures out that Ana doesn't want him to catch her. Why? Because she doesn't want to be punished. This is an odd concept for Christian. It ranks up there with Free Will and the enduring popularity of Beanie Babies. Ana wants to know why he wants to punish her, and he says he won't tell her. Not he "can't" tell, but that he "won't" tell.

This is very telling.

Ana finally tells him to do his worst. To punish her as hard as he can so that she knows what it's like. Personally, I think this is a bad idea, but we're at 98%, so don't let me hold this dog and pony show up.

Ana has to count six blows, and by the sixth she's in agony. She pushes Christian away and tells him that he has issues--which he's already admitted to--and says that he needs to sort his shit out. Then she goes to the room that's hers and cries.

Christian comes and holds her after a time and they talk. Ana says that she can never be this thing for him, this being that he seems to need, this creature that he has to punish to make himself feel good. She says that she's in love with him, and he says that it's a bad idea to love him. Finally! Someone says something intelligent!

Ana gives back all the stuff Christian's given her, and they argue about it, but in the end, what can he do? You really can't force someone to do what you don't want them to, not deep down. Ana wants the money for her Beetle.

Ana goes home and cries on her bed. The book ends.

If this were a book about a virgin exploring a sensual world of desire, I would wonder what would happen in the next book. Maybe she'd meet someone who was too soft after meeting this guy who's too hard, and then the third book would be her meeting a guy who's just right. But as the Smart Bitches say, in romance novels, the guy who gives a girl her first orgasm, whether he rapes her or kidnaps her or beats her to a pulp, is hte guy who ends up with her. Nothing ever changes in the romance world. Men are whores until they meet that One Special Woman, and women are virgins who can only give themselves to the Rakehell Who Deflowered Them.

Well, I hope it was as good for you as it was for me. I'll be picking up with the next book soon.

Laters, baby.