Breaking Dawn Review: Equality does not mean you are better than me

When we last left our intrepid trio of vampire, werewolf and frail, fragile, sickly, demon-baking human, Edward enlisted Jacob to try to talk Bella into having an abortion, after which she could make sweet werewolf love to Jacob (presumably while Edward watches) so she can fulfill her womanly duty by having children that won't potentially kill her during their gestation.

Bella is not amused.

Jacob settles in at Casa Cullen with his two werewolf besties: a scorned woman who still bears the scars from her ex-fiance's first change to wolfdom before he dropped her ass for a toddler (remember: Twilight means never having to say you're kidding), and an overenthusiastic pup who is probably one of the most interesting characters in the book. The thing is, Jacob is technically alpha thanks to his father's position in the Queleute tribe, but the afforementioned toddler-raper has taken over because he's older. So, when Jacob decides that he has to take care of his twuu wuuv Bella (who, you know, is sort of married to a vampire, and whose ultimate goal in life is to become a vampire himself) and the rest of the pack is like, "Get over her," Jacob breaks free on his own and now he has a pack of his own consisting of three members. Yay.

So, their job is to keep Bella safe during her gestation period, and to make sure that the other wolves don't take the Cullens to task for finally turning Bella on reservation territory, which would be a clear violation of the treaty between the two groups. Jacob reasons that if the vampire clan changes Bella in order to save her life, then they're actually upholding the "sanctity of life" part of everything.

Now, are you ready to jump in? Because it gets worse from here.

So, Bella is all sick and yucky and Jacob is concerned because the VampSpawn is killing her by breaking her bones and bruising her internal organs, but Bella is so obstinate in the face of the life of her baby. Women can be so irrational and selfish.

Edward and Jacob have lots of silent conversations where Jacob thinks snarky stuff about the various people around them, such as how Rosalie is probably hoping that Bella will die so that she can raise the baby as her own (Edward agrees). The two men are actually starting to get along okay for once, and why not? Edward can't be really close friends with only the people in his family for the rest of his life, can he? Wouldn't it be great if there was someone who was fun and interesting in his life, like Jacob, who makes him laugh with his snarky commentary? But no, this can't last because the first law of Romance Novelia is that if there are two people of the same sex and only one of the opposite, then the two of the same sex must needs be rivals. To that end, Edward starts understanding his demon spawn as it plays kickball with Bella's bladder, and he starts seeing it as more than just The Entity That Is Killing The Woman I Love Most In The World and starts seeing it as its own person with thoughts and feelings. The strongest feeling is that it loves Bella, and it actually starts understanding how to be gentler to its mother.

This sends Jacob into a tail spin because again, parents should have absolutely no control over their own reproduction, and if someone, even just one person, thinks that them having a baby is a bad idea, then they should abort the kid no matter what. I mean, someone is emitting disapproval rays over here. Let's get with the program, parents.

Jacob takes the most expensive, beautiful car in the Cullen Garage and speeds to a park where he looks every woman there in the eye, hoping he'll imprint on her so as to end his torturous love of Bella. This is because he has no control over his own emotions and is a pathetic juvenile wuss.

People are always getting on Myers about how she treats Bella in her books, making her suicidal without a man, incomplete without a man, so focused on Edward to the point that she forgets everything else, including her own bodily functions, but no one mentions how she writes men. Jacob and Edward are whiny, needy, unable to put other people's feelings above their own, unable to see a big picture, and unable to just not love Bella if she's hurting them. This last one is more for Jacob than Edward. Jacob is so pissed that every time he sees Bella, she smiles at him and is so happy to see him. This is a problem for Jacob because he, like many of the men who walk into my office, can't seem to fathom a woman smiling at them without wanting to shag them also. It can't just be a nice smile, or in Bella's case, a friendly smile. Also, Bella can't seem to do the right thing and just tell Jacob to stay away. She also can't seem to follow through on this. You can argue that Jacob is only hurting himself by continuing to love Bella even after reason tells him to stop, but eventually he will start hurting Bella too. His love is not pure, not for the benefit of another. It is selfish and obsessive and he can't get over the fact that Bella didn't choose him. This is how stalkers are formed. The kind of stalkers who eventually end up wearing a skin suit.

There is just not one healthy relationship in this entire convoluted mess.

So, Jacob's part is mostly him moping around the CullenDen with Bella and Rosalie (who, remember, is staying as close to Bella as possible just in case she needs to step in and be a surrogate mother) and thinking about how much his life sucks because the woman he loves doesn't love him back, and he can't seem to imprint on anyone. Imprinting is what makes werewolves fall in love with toddlers. This is something Jacob wants.

Bella finally gives birth to demon spawn Renesmee in a gory bloodbath and Edward uses a cardiac needle to inject Bella with his venom, and it's at this point in the story that I start wondering about the venom and how Bella didn't turn the moment they kissed for the first time. I mean, the venom is his saliva, right? So when they kissed, there would have been an exchange of fluid, and she should have turned the first time.

This book is so boring that it made me start wondering about this stuff.

And then Jacob imprints on Renesmee and I, not for the first time, try and figure out how this author is free to roam around America rather than being locked in a padded cell because she is clearly psychotic and has a borderline personality disorder of some kind. This book is not healthy. It does not paint women or men in a positive light. It does not depict relationships in a positive light. There are no negative consequences for unseemly behavior. It makes pedophilia seem like a positive option. It indicates that you as a person has no control over your life and that you are and should be completely ruled by your emotions.

Part three to come.