Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The End

Yesterday, I completely ended my friendship with A. I've had some conflicting emotions, but it's really clear to me that I did the right thing.

If you asked me a month or two ago if this was a good friendship, I would have said yes, but right now, looking back, I can see that it wasn't. A stopped communicating with me sometime around August, a few months after she got married. I felt her pulling away, and I started chasing after her. I would invite her someplace, a week or two in advance. "hey, wanna hang out? Wanna...?" She wouldn't respond, not a word, and then on the day that I had invited her out, I would see that she and her husband had gone somewhere on that day because she would post it on Facebook. I tried not to take it personally. I excused her saying that she had just got married, life was hard for her.

But the biggest problem was the fact that she was just not there. No communication, nothing.

We had a misunderstanding. She had a party on a Sunday night (which is convenient for absolutely no one), and shocker, no one really responded that they would come. She sent me a text that was for someone else, and it looked like she was saying that no one was coming and did this person maybe want to do something else?

I reacted badly, but I think my reaction was justified. This didn't just happen, it had been happening for months. I invited her out only to have no response and to find out that she did soemething else that very night about four times by then. It felt like she was just pushing me out, so I bowed out.

For whatever reason, she decided to try and get me back. So, I talked to her. I let her know how she hurt me. Her response was that it sounded like her life made me sad.

Um...In the sense that her life no longer included me, yes it made me sad. But did her life, her newfound happiness and new family and all that fun stuff make me sad? No.

I asked for communication. I asked for just something every now and then.

I never got it. I mean literally never got it.

She sent me a few emails about whether I was getting help for my issues and all, but I didn't get anything else. No friendly hello's, nothing.

I was away for Christmas, and then I had my move and all. After all that, I started going back to church with A, and it was obvious that things had changed for her. I know now that she was going through something difficult, but she never told me that. All I knew was that this person who was supposed to be my friend was pushing me away. We used to go out to lunch afterwards, and now A wasn't available for that.

But...well, when I would walk away after she wasn't available for lunch, I could hear her making plans with her husband for going out to lunch. It was so hurtful, and so directly hurtful. She was trying to hurt me, there can be no other explanation for it. This was no misunderstanding. There was no excuse for this behaviour. And it all comes back to communication. If she had just been honest and told me that she needed space or that it was too hard because of this thing that was going on to see me, I would have understood.

I know now that she had something bad happen to her. I don't know what, but I know it was bad. I'm sorry for her, but that doesn't excuse her behaviour.

So this is where I am now. I am forced to be the bad guy and put an end to it all. She wouldn't just say, "I can't see you or hear from you for a while, please understand." No, she got passive-aggressive and pushed me away. The thing is, I wouldn't mind so much, but my side is apparently not important to her. I can see things from her side. I get her side. I don't know if I could put on her shoes and walk around, but I can at least empathise.

I'm angry right now, but I'm mostly angry at myself. I let her use me. I never confronted her when I heard her lying. I can accept my part in this, but I can't be a part of it any longer.

Was it a good friendship? It doesn't look like it. Now the only thing I can do is learn from my mistakes.

I have to add this, because it's something I've been musing over for a while. In her final e-mail to me (where she got upset because she said I wasn't treating her like a person with feelings...keep this in mind...), she said she hoped I got help for my "emotional problems." I don't have "emotional problems." I have a depressive disorder. It's a chemical imbalance. I have no control over it. I'm starting to think that she has no idea who I am, and that she is not treating me like a person with feelings. I'm a human being. I have emotions. I don't have problems with those emotions. I had a problem a while back because I wasn't taking my medicine, and then a few months ago, I had some issues because I had to stop taking one medication and start taking another and it screwed with me (that warning about medicine making you suicidal actually happens), but none of this was in my control. Especially not a few months ago when I started cutting again because of this medicine. Now I'm doing better...much better...but oh my gosh. If there is one person out there who I should be able to talk to this stuff about, shouldn't it be my friend? And then she just dismisses everything else about me except this one idea that she has that I have "emotional problems." I am so much more than a diagnosis. I'm actually a pretty awesome human being, and I'm very loyal to my friends. Letting go of this relationship was hard, but it was unhealthy, for both of us, I guess.

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