Thursday, November 29, 2012

Oh, hey, how ya doin'?

I can't find my Kindle, so no new Fifty Shades until I figure out where it is. I'm really upset that I can't find it...I have books I actually like on that thing!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Chapter by Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 6

When last we left Christian and Ana, he had just helped her mark out the territories of what she an and can't touch on him. Forgive me if this seems sort of nitpicky, but couldn't he just say, "Don't touch my chest or back, okay?" Now they're ready to have sex. I only make alternate suggestions for sex when they're doing it when they should be doing something else like talking, so I'll let this pass. Christian tells Ana she's "so. Beautiful. Yes. She. Is." Oh that is so not annoying!

Christian starts enumerating the many, many men that are supposedly after Ana. Her boss, Jack Hyde is on the list. So is Jose. This is just so dumb. Guys who do this stuff are the ones that end up hitting you for "flirting" when instead you actually told a guy to buzz off. In real life, this conversation, unless it's done in a "Wow, I'm so lucky!" light sort of way, is a huge red flag that you need to leave and not look back.

To punctuate this, Christian says, "Trust me. They want you. They want what's mine."

Soooo not creepy. (see picture above.)

So, they have sex all afternoon and then Ana takes a shower and thinks about all of the information she's had to absorb in the last few hours. This is where I think the author makes a huge mistake and has too many things happening at once. This much crap happening in one day usually makes a person go fetal in their fuzziest pajamas, but Ana's all having sex with her boyfriend because he's so hot and rich and she loves him so much because he's so hot and rich.

Someone posted in the last comments that she wondered if Ana would still like Christian if he wasn't so rich. I really think it's more that if he wasn't so hot, but now she's talking about his bottom line like it's something she's really proud of. I guess it would be nice to date someone wealthy, and I think it would be hard to separate it out from who he is and keep it from ever being what he is. The bottom line, I think, is whether or not you like someone for their money, or if you would like them even if they were dirt poor. I do think Ana would like Christian if he were dirt poor.

Ana thinks about the sweet things Christian said to her. Like how other guys want to have sex with her. You know. Oh, and he's crazy about her. Then she wonders what will happen the next time she crosses an arbitrary line. I think the author gets this half right. When you're in an abusive relationship, you do wonder about that, but it's more of a heart-pounding fear, not a bemusement. Ana should be mostly terrified of Christian. But she's not.

Ana puts on fancy lingerie for the party she's about to attend with Christian (See? So MUCH is going on in one day! Why can't this be more than one day?), and Christian walks in with the benewah balls again. He wants Ana to wear them for the night.

Okay, you're only supposed to use the balls for a few minutes at a time. They're only supposed to help strengthen your kegels. You wouldn't pump weights for hours at a time, would you? And you certainly wouldn't start out doing it for hours at a time, you'd start small. This is one of the parts of the story that I think is just dangerous. Yes, you can actually hurt yourself if you do this. Actually, you probably wouldn't be able to. They'd just slip out until you built up the muscle. But anyway! This is a poorly researched book, and I'm going to say when it is.

After he puts the balls in Ana, he gives her a Cartier box with diamond earrings in it. Ana pushes the box away and says, "I'm sorry, Christian, but I simply cannot accept such an enormous gift from a man I am not related to."

Just kidding, she thinks they're great.

She hates Christian for putting $24,000.00 into her bank account, but she's fine with diamond earrings? Yes, that makes perfect sense. I'm so glad the author is clearing this up for us.

*I should have a picture of "Does Not Compute" here, but Blogger seems to be borked when it comes to showing pictures. I'll upload it later if I can*

Ana admires herself in the mirror and we learn what the author feels is passable as makeup--just some mascara, a little eyeliner, blush, and pale lipstick (no fire engine red for virginal Ana!). But it doesn't really matter since it's a masked ball and no one will see her makeup anyway.

I went to a masked ball back in June. I loved it, but the mask drove me crazy. My best friend took me (it was the Labyrinth of Jareth ball in LA), and we were halfway there when she realized she spent a lot of time making sure her makeup matched her dress and looked really awesome and fairy-like when we were just going to spend the night in masks. I only bring this up because Ana seems to be doing the same thing, and I'll tell her what I told my friend: As long as you feel good and confident about yourself!

Ana goes and finds Christian, who apparently looks "stunning" in a black dinner jacket and bow tie. I mean, I know I snark on how "hot" Christian supposedly is, but jeez, girl. He ain't James Bond. (BTW, Tom Ford is who tailors Daniel Craig's suits and tuxes for the movies. God bless him!)

I do think men look great in suits and tuxedos. Honestly, ZZ Top knew what they were talking about when they said, "Every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man." It's true. So, I believe Ana when she says she thinks Christian looks really hot. It's just that she says it all the freaking time, it's stopped holding any meaning.

There's going to be a security detail for the evening arranged by Taylor, and Ana compliments Taylor on how versatile he is. I wonder how long it will be until Christian starts feeling jealous of his security guard because Ana can't compliment a guy without Christian getting weird.

Christian takes Ana on a tour of his apartment, and we find out he has a library with Beast-style floor-to-ceiling books. It also has a pool table (Oh, Dear God. If you can hear me, please don't let them have sex on the pool table. Please? I'm begging you...) and Elliott apparently calls it "the balls room."

*double face palm*

Christian suggests they play pool some time, and Ana's all for it because Jose taught her how and she's a real shark at it now.

Like the author will ever let her be better than Christian at something.

And we learn that Ana is going to meet Dr. Flynn tonight.

Hey, EL James? There's this thing called "chapters." I know it's a crazy concept, but you can actually split your book up using them. You can have a chapter devoted to just Ana meeting Dr. Flynn on some night when a million other things aren't happening. You can have Ana and Christian take a tour of the house on a night when they aren't getting ready for a masked ball. You can split your book up into days and weeks and months and years. Other authors have done it before you, and they have been really successful with stuff like character development and plot. You know. Things you keep missing out on while trying to cram as much crap into this book to keep us from realizing that there is no real plot or character development.

This book is the equivalent of the guy date and do all sorts of stuff with him, but never actually spend time with. You guys go out all the time, movies, Disneyland, shows, places, things, stuff! But you never actually do anything together that bonds you. And then one day, one of you gets a cold or something, and the other one comes over to take care of the sick one, and you realize that you don't really have anything in common. It's all just been county fairs and roller coasters and the illusion of togetherness when it's all been distraction. I've said it before and I'll say it again: There's no "there" there. (The words of Gertrude Stein, of course.)

So, anyway, moving forward because we can't find reverse.

They head out to the party and we get excruciating detail about Ana's balls and what they're doing to her insides. To distract herself, she asks where Christian got the lipstick. Remember that? All that time ago? My goodness...this book is so full of details and yet actually full of nothing substantial. Apparently, he got the lipstick from Taylor. I would love it if Taylor were a cross-dresser, but I doubt the author has the cajones to pull that off.

They arrive at the party and there's a line of "expensive" cars in the driveway. Since the author seems to think that Audis are the height of what multi-billionaire playboys want in their garage, I'm assuming that there are Subarus, Volvos, Saabs, and maybe the occasional Porsche hanging around. OMG, maybe someone even has a Fiat. Because, you know, a Rolls Royce is just showing off or whatever.

They get their picture taken for the Seattle Times, and Ana's amazed that the photographer recognizes Christian with his mask on. Because a half-mask just makes you look like a completely different person. It's not like you have facial features and hair or anything.

Mia accosts Christian and Ana and introduces them to her friends. Of course, there's a complete and utter bitch there who just hates Ana for dating Christian.

Okay, the author goes on to describe a garden party, which is great, and then we get to the table where the family is all going to be sitting, and we meet Grace's parents. Grace is Christian's mother, in case you forgot. They could be totally awesome, eccentric people, but the only awesome people in the book are Christian and Ana, so of course they love Ana, but they overwhelm her with being nosy and sweet and inclusive towards her. Those jerks.

The night goes on, and finally Ana decides she has to remove the balls. Christian wants to follow her to the powder room and "help" her, but Mia cockblocks him. I really can't stand Mia, but it's moments like this that make her even more insufferable. I know, I hate it when Christian and Ana have their non-kinky-that's-supposed-to-be-kinky sex, but eh. I just can't stand Mia and people like her. And the fact that I'm supposed to love her just makes her worse.

Ana is of course worried that Christian is mad about not being with her during the big "reveal", but he doesn't seem to be. I keep waiting for her to make a big deal about it anyway.

There's a charity auction and Christian's place in Aspen is on the list as a weekend getaway. Ana bids her $24,000.00 for it, and of course Christian is going to be completely pissed off at her because he wants her to have the money, he just doesn't want her to spend it.

But thankfully, that's the end of the chapter.

Was it good for you, baby, or did you get cockblocked? Tune in next time.