Saturday, March 31, 2012

Accidental movie review: Diary of a Nymphomaniac

Oh come on. We've all been there. You turn on your Roku and queue up your Netflix feed and start looking for something to watch, but because you have a raging migraine, you're not looking too hard. You see the next movie in the Girl with Dragon Tattoo series, and you're like, "Eh. The first one was...odd." It was also in Swedish, and despite your near-fluency in Deutsch, you must acknowledge that you know nothing of the Swedish language, but you think it's sort of musical and nowhere near as gutteral as Deutsch and you sort of debate about it for a minute, because you want something you can tune out pretty well in order to just relax your burning, throbbing eyes and foreign languages with subtitles sort of counteract that plan, but you decide, "What the heck" and queue Girl with Hornet's Nest tattoo or whatever it's called anyway. Then you get up to make yourself a cup of caffeine infused Earl Grey because let's face it: this movie isn't going to make sense no matter how much of it you watch, where you come in on it, or what language it's being spoken in. You also know it's going to be completely horrible, and you wish that the filmmakers had just stuck with the original title of "Men Who Hate Women," but even that does not fully encompass the horror that is Girl With Dragon Tattoo where surprise!buttsex was not even the worst thing that happened. Twice.

Imagine your surprise when you look up from the kitchen and see some gorgeous thing with a great rack pulling off the reverse cowgirl on some guy in what appears to be a completely mutual dalliance. Completely mutual being surprising as you're pretty sure that "completely mutual" is not a phrase in Stieg Larsson's arsenal. I'm pretty sure that Stieg is one of those feminists who is absolutely convinced that there can be no such thing as mutual consent, and that all sex is rape because men have been in charge of the world for so long that it's impossible for them to have equal relations with women. Sorry, wymmyn. Stieg can't even make same-sex relationships equitable. He takes it one step further.

To confuse me even more, this great-racked goddess also speaks no Swedish that I am aware of. I know she doesn't, as she's speaking Spanish and I understand Spanish to a degree (except she speaks SPANISH from SPAIN, which sounds one hundred percent different than Mexican and South American Spanish and just makes me want to go to Spain and take a string of European lovers even more), but as I mentioned before, I don't speak Swedish.

So, I continued to watch the movie even though I was pretty sure it wasn't Girl With Hornets Nest Tattoo due to the fact that the lighting is pretty and flattering, and the female lead actually seemed to enjoy most of her life and sex and all. One of her lovers compared her to the horse of the East (?) Wind, who only Ishmael could tame, and then another lover tells her she has issues, and she tells her grandma that she thinks she's a nymphomaniac, and her grandma says that nymphomania is just a concept that men made up to make women feel badly about themselves for enjoying sex, and I love her grandma. Then she dies and the nymph has to make her own way and she ends up in an abusive relationship and then my Roku for some reason broke down at that point and I figured it was for the best and went back to bed anyway.

It was still better than Stieg Larsson's "Men Who Can't Stop Beating The Will To Live Out Of Women."

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