Friday, July 29, 2011

Crazy In Action

One of the worst parts about having narcissistic parents is trying to interract with other, normal people. The child of narcissism is programmed to put their wants and needs on hold for the wants and needs of the narcissist(s) that are their superiors, and then you get a people-pleaser who really has no idea that people are walking all over him or her. For me personally, the thought that someone might not like me is devastating, even though there are people I don't like, and not for any deep personal reasons, but that I just don't want to be their friend.

My mom's love has always been tied to things. If you love her enough, she doesn't have to buy you things, but if you don't love her enough, then she'll buy your love, by gum.

I have yet to experience my father's love, and after a decade of his harsh abuse, I don't really want to know what moves him.

I've really stopped wanting to buy people gifts, even for birthdays and important events. I hate getting gifts, too. They make me uncomfortable. Or even just someone buying me dinner. It's hard for me to let them. What will they want from me after that? Or will they think it's enough to secure my devotion, and then start treating me badly?

As for giving gifts, what if I overgift? What if the person is overwhelmed? I've seen that overwhelmed look just about every time my mom breaks out the debit card, and I don't ever want to see it on someone's face. I think I've figured out a good system, though. I get three small gifts of $10.00, two medium-sized gifts around $20.00, or one large gift of about $30.00. After buying the gift wrap and everything, it usually comes out to around $45-50, which I think is a good birthday gift.

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