Thursday, July 14, 2011

Cersei Lannister Answers Your Life Questions

Like a lot of people lately, I’ve been reading Game of Thrones by George RR Martin, and all I could do this morning while reading Miss Manners was wonder what advice the Queen Regent, Cersei Lannister would give. I cracked myself up.

Dear Miss Manners: My husband sent out my daughter’s birthday invitation to someone she had pulled from her list. How do I uninvite this child?

Dutiful Subject: First off, allow me to send my condolences on the matter of your husband’s stupidity. I assure you that I relate to your distress. Men are such bores, are they not? (Or boars as the case may be…)

As to your question. Unfortunately, it would be a terrible affront to uninvite a child to a party. It could cause a war. Literally. Fortunately, this is the perfect chance to train your daughter in the arts of segregation and humiliation. Segregation: Keep the unwanted child from engaging with the other children. This is generally done through Humiliation. If you want your daughter to always have the upper hand and be a woman to look up to, she must learn these arts as quickly as possible.

Dear Miss Manners: What is the appropriate waiting period after a contentious divorce to announce engagement to another?

Dutiful Subject: Why marry again when you can simply string along a group of men as your lovers indefinitely? If you truly do wish to marry, perhaps for money or political power, then there is no harm in announcing your intentions immediately. You will be able to gauge the reactions of those around you better if you take them by surprise, and dispose of anyone that might hinder you sooner rather than later.

Dear Miss Manners: Please tell your readers what to say to someone who has just suffered a miscarriage. My daughter recently had a miscarriage, and a relative said, “Well, there are worse things that could happen.” I thought that was pretty insensitive.
Why not just say “I’m sorry”?

Dutiful Subject: Simpleton, simpleton! You missed the perfect opportunity to bare your teeth and show the shadowcat that lies beneath your skin. The only way to save face now is to have that person’s child murdered in their sleep, and then at the funeral repeat their condolences to them. Then set fire to their castle.


  1. This is brilliant! I want Cersei Lannister to take over every Dear-Abbie column in the world.

    "Then set fire to their castle." That might just have to be my new personal sign-off line for everything from now on.

    Do more, do more!


  2. I will do more. It was fun to be Cersei for a little while. I think Tyrion would give good advice, too. In a lazy, sarcastic sort of way. Which is the best sort of way.