Monday, September 19, 2011

Getting caught up with the Kartrashians

So, there are parts of pop culture that I could care less about, like Twilight (movies, actors, and books) or the Harry Potter movies, or the Real Housewives of Anywhere, but the Kartrashians are one area that I am sort of creepily drawn to. Sort of like how my mom is obsessed with serial killers.

Anyway, I don't really watch them too often. I know the Real Doll one got married recently, and that the Tiny One wants another baby, but doesn't want to marry her douchy baby daddy, and that the Tall One is awesome, but we all knew that. I thought I'd put down in words my thoughts on what I've read on trashy websites like D-Listed and the like:

Kim's Marriage/Wedding: Okay, I have no interest in watching the wedding of a girl who totally thinks she's on par with Kate Middleton (hint: she's not), but I will comment on what I saw of her relationship with Kris Humphries. I think that, even if this arrangement has been negotiated by their respective PR people, they both truly believe that they're infatuated, or even in love with each other. Also, when Kim smiles, she usually looks like the plastic Real Doll that she is, but when she's with Kris, I've seen some genuine goofy smiles, and I have to say that she's actually pretty when she smiles like a human being and doesn't mug like Posh Beckham. And Kris is fine with her insane, completely not normal family, so that says a lot. I do think that he's in for a rude awakening once the honeymoon is over and he realizes that girls who spend 75,000.00 on earrings and then stupidly wear them out of the country are higher maintenance than a Mazarati, and probably a lot less fun to ride, but I can't say he's not going into this thing with his eyes wide open.

Do I think he's a fame lamprey to Kim's shark? Yes, totally. And when they inevitably divorce, I'm sure she'll be the one to come out on top, but until then, it'll be fun to watch. If I ever get to watch them again, which I doubt since I'm about to shut down my cable.

Pimp Mama Kris: I love this nickname for her. She is totally a pimp to her famewhore family. I mean, Rob broke down and told his mom he was tired of being a loser, and that he wanted to use his BS in business now, and maybe work on his MS. Aaaaaand now he's on Dancing With The Stars. Because no one in this family can actually do real work. And the other little famewhores, Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, Kendall and Kylie are all like, "Woot! We got advertising campaigns!"

I mean, I have to hand it to Kris Jenner, she really did teach her children that making a buck is making a buck is making a buck, and has not given them any sort of filter or self-awareness or embarrassment at what they do. Sears wants an endorsement deal? Sure! Why hold out for Macy's or Nordstrom? Heck, they're too busy with Madonna and Jessica Simpson. No, Sears is the way to go!

Kourtney and her Douchebag Baby Daddy: I don't know why this girl doesn't let him go. He's a leach. He's a parasite. He's an alcoholic. Not that I think she's such a great human being, but at least she has a job that makes money, and she has her house and everything, and owns stores (which, shouldn't the Kartrashian Sears line be in conflict with the Dash stores? Just saying). She is a viable human being. He's a douche bag. I can't help but think she's keeping him around as a sperm donor. That's sad.

Khloe, AKA Sasquatch: I think Sasquatch is a horrible nickname for Khloe. She's the only one who seems to have any sort of self-awareness in this family, and if her marriage to Lamar Odom is fake, then why did she refuse to leave him for a week while the rest of her family went to paradise? I actually have no idea about their dynamic, so I won't comment on it, but I think it's unfair to call her names just because she seems to be a normal size compared to her sisters. If Kim is too short for runway work, then she's under 5'8", but the younger girl...Kendall? is able to do runway work, and she's about the same height as Khloe, so they're probably in the 5'9"-5'10" range, plus Khloe is always putting on six-inch Louboutin's, so who knows her true height?

So, yeah, I'll call Kim a Real Doll, but I won't call Khloe sasquatch, because I think it's mean and unfair. Hey, if Kim wants to look less plastic, she totally knows how. She just doesn't want to!

So, now you are caught up on the Kartrashians. You're welcome.

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