Monday, August 22, 2011


I live in Southern California, a couple of cities away from Anaheim where Disneyland is.

No, it's actually not in LA! But then, neither are the Angels or the Ducks, and yet somehow LA gets slapped onto their names, so I guess everyone outside of California thinks Disney is in LA.

But I digress. I was talking about me, not you.

So, like most So Cals, I have a Disney pass, which is great because if you have a pass, you don't have to worry about cramming eight days worth of fun into sixteen hours. Some people, though, take their kids to Disneyland for that sixteen hours, and just can't understand why their children are bratty, unhappy, whiney, undisciplined, complaining, and begging for anything they can get their grubby hands on.

I don't understand parents. What makes them think that little Suzy and Benny are going to enjoy standing in hour-long lines, just to be able to look at Snow White or Mr. Toad for five minutes? Disneyland doesn't make sense to children. There's all kinds of fun stuff over here! There's a park green, and old buildings, and Mickey and Goofy and shops with stuff! Why are we standing in line?

This weekend, one of my friends who works at Disney (I have more than one, I'm telling you, I live RIGHT THERE) got us tickets to go to the D23 convention, and I saw the same scenario playing out. There were lines to go and see specific attractions, and while most lines were moving along, one was not. It was a line for the archives.

Let me just break this down for you: Archives are not interesting to children. They have no comprehension of history. Looking at old relics of Steamboat Willie and original stills from Cinderella are not going to excite much more than a cursory glance, and maybe a "that's cool" before moving on. Downstairs, in the main room of the Anaheim Convention Center (of LA), it was open and fun and full of toys and dolls and play areas, and make-your-own-crown, and crazy people dressed up as Disney characters just because they want to. There was a platybus and a gaming center and a store and chairs shaped like mouse ears and all kinds of really cool stuff.

But one family, of course, felt that they needed to drag their six-year-old through the two-hour line to see the archives. The moms were dressed like the evil stepsisters (Drucilla and Anastasia), and the little girl was dressed as Cinderella. Cinderella was very unhappy. We decided to stay away from the line and go see a making of Star Tours exhibit, and when we got back down to the second level, Drucilla, Anastasia and Cinderella were still about an hour from the entrance. Cinderella was unhappy, and voicing her opinion.

Now, here's the thing: I don't think that parents should entertain their children at every turn, and that children DO need to learn patience. However, I would never expect a child to be patient for a two-hour line to see (excuse my French) fucking archive material (or for any reason at all, really). Especially since there were two parents there. Two parents means that one can take the kid down the hall, down to the fun center to maybe make a crown. It's not like we live in a day and age where two people can't communicate by electronic means. "Hey, I'm about five people away from the entrance. Maybe you guys should get back up here."

Drucilla grabbed poor Cinderella by her arm, and dragged her across the hallway to right where I was ascending, and threw her on the ground while yelling, "You're in time out!"

I said, "Wow, I guess you're not just dressed up like an ugly stepsister. You really are one."

She was conscious enough to act embarrassed, and my friends and I shot them dirty looks because, really? You're obviously not here for the kid. You're obviously not here to have fun. You're here for yourselves. You're here to show off your costumes and see the stuff from your childhood, and instead of getting a babysitter at your house where your kid could actually have fun and play and maybe, I don't know, take a nap, you dragged her here promising a fun time, and then promptly pushed her into a line where she had to stand for two hours, waiting to see "the fun stuff."

People can say that kids are selfish and manipulative, but at least they're honest about it. Adults just learn how to hide their selfishness behind a cloak of, "I enjoyed this when I was your age. You will too!"

All of that to say, I walked around for seven hours yesterday, and I'm freaking tired and my feet hurt and I want to go back to bed.

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