Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Birthdays and sad days

Last year, I stayed at The Hospital during the month of August. The entire situation was hard on me. I had failed at committing suicide, failed at being a human being, failed at everything...at least from my perspective at the time. I still feel that way every now and then.

One of the hardest parts was that I would be celebrating my birthday a month from my release, and it was a birthday that I really didn't want to happen. It wasn't a milestone or anything, I just didn't want it to happen. I wasn't expecting it to happen. I was expecting to no longer be [dramaz]shackled to this mortal coil[/dramaz].

My friends were really cool about the entire thing. They ended up taking me "down the pub" for some good home-cooked Irish food and Irish band music.

Now I'm coming across the same feelings. School is starting in a week, and my birthday is right around the corner. How do you celebrate your own life when you wanted to end it? And really, you feel that if a tragic accident were to take place and remove you from life, you'd be all right with it.

I have maybe five more college courses under my belt than I had last year at this time, and I keep plugging along, so it's obviously fulfilling me in some way, and I'm still working towards my goal...I just don't know how to reconcile my feelings of despair with my ambition to be more. The two seem so contradictory. I guess I think that if I have to live, this is what I want, but if I die in the process, well, that's all right too.

And I swear, I just talked to a psychiatrist last week. I'm not keeping this to myself. I'm just trying to digest it all.

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