I hate this question. It is because I don't know. I've been going to college for the past four years, taking one or two classes at a time, and if I don't quit my job and go full time, I'll still be doing the same thing for the next six years.
I'm not a teenager. I don't live scott-free at my parent's house. I wasn't given a BMW when I graduated from highschool. I am an adult, so I can't say, "I'm getting a four-year degree" despite the fact that I am getting a four-year degree.
It also makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. "How many classes are you taking this semester?" Well, technically I'm taking one, although it's a class with a lab. Then I feel like I'm not taking enough classes.
And then the looks I get when I say that I'm taking biology. "Oh, biology! Oh, I hate that class! What's your major?" Um...biology? "Oh. Oh, then I guess you like it."
Yes, I like it. I feel like using an expletive for how much I like it. I effing like it. My lab partner makes fun of how excited I get when we do our experiments. yes, I quite enjoy biology. I can't wait to take chemistry. I imagine that this idea is the same as when someone tells me they're a maths major, only I never think, "Why in the world would you want to do that?" Instead, I'm jealous becuase they are clearly good at maths and I'm clearly not.
I think that this is the point where most veterinary medicine students roll their eyes and say, "I really hate humans."
I don't hate humans, though. I mean, there are many that I do not like and only a small select group that I do like, but my cat doesn't like any of his own species so I don't think this is unique to humans.
On Monday, I was talking to a lady in this new bible study I'm going to, and she listened to me. She wanted to know my major and what my plans were. She didn't ask the dreaded question, she just let me talk. Then she turned to this guy in the group and said, "Did you know Heidi is going to college?" and he said yes. "Do you know what her major is? Heidi, tell him your major." I said it. "Isn't that interesting?" she asked. "I've never known anyone who has wanted to be a zookeeper and work at a zoo. Do you?" she asked the guy. He said his daughter wants to be an ornithologist. I confessed that I considered birds as my major focus of study.
I don't know how these two managed to talk to me without making me feel defensive, but they did. I think it was because they listened, and they were more interested in what I was doing rather than how long it would take. I wished I had a Pensieve from Harry Potter so I could analyze the conversation and see what they did to make me feel so good. I mean, that's how I want to make people feel.
I think, and I could be wrong because I'm a terrible conversationalist, but I think what they did was just listen to me and be interested in me. This is my goal: to treat other people like that.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Spring Break Means Nothing When You Work Full Time
I work a really odd schedule this semester. On the days that I have school, I work six hours, and then the rest of the week I work nine and a half, except for on Fridays when I work only nine. This week is "spring break," though, so instead of going to school Monday and Wednesday, I've gone straight home.
There are many things I should have done this week. My taxes, having a filling repaired. Baking a pie for Pi day. I opted to nap instead.
I'm tired.
I've also sort of cautiously "met someone" and I'm trying to keep it on the DL because I'm sure I'll find a way to jinx it if I bring it up. I mean, he's way too hot for me, but that's never stopped me from dating someone before. He's also not European, and I distinctly remember wanting to take a string of European lovers at some point in the very near future.
Oh well, life doesn't always go the way you plan it.
One of the main reasons I've been so tired this week is that there have been two office parties, both consisting of going to restaurants and eating lots of heavy food, which I tend to not do anymore. Yesterday I had enough pollo con mole to keep a small child-army going for a week. The day before that I had a chicken pot pie that was seriously glorious in its carb-filled wonder. No, I did not get a salad with it. I also did not go to my work-out class that night because I had to work extra time to make up for the lunch party that I had to go to. I think if you have to go to a lunch party, it ought to be covered by your work, but oh well. See above statement.
There are many things I should have done this week. My taxes, having a filling repaired. Baking a pie for Pi day. I opted to nap instead.
I'm tired.
I've also sort of cautiously "met someone" and I'm trying to keep it on the DL because I'm sure I'll find a way to jinx it if I bring it up. I mean, he's way too hot for me, but that's never stopped me from dating someone before. He's also not European, and I distinctly remember wanting to take a string of European lovers at some point in the very near future.
Oh well, life doesn't always go the way you plan it.
One of the main reasons I've been so tired this week is that there have been two office parties, both consisting of going to restaurants and eating lots of heavy food, which I tend to not do anymore. Yesterday I had enough pollo con mole to keep a small child-army going for a week. The day before that I had a chicken pot pie that was seriously glorious in its carb-filled wonder. No, I did not get a salad with it. I also did not go to my work-out class that night because I had to work extra time to make up for the lunch party that I had to go to. I think if you have to go to a lunch party, it ought to be covered by your work, but oh well. See above statement.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Breaking Dawn Review: Equality does not mean you are better than me
When we last left our intrepid trio of vampire, werewolf and frail, fragile, sickly, demon-baking human, Edward enlisted Jacob to try to talk Bella into having an abortion, after which she could make sweet werewolf love to Jacob (presumably while Edward watches) so she can fulfill her womanly duty by having children that won't potentially kill her during their gestation.
Bella is not amused.
Jacob settles in at Casa Cullen with his two werewolf besties: a scorned woman who still bears the scars from her ex-fiance's first change to wolfdom before he dropped her ass for a toddler (remember: Twilight means never having to say you're kidding), and an overenthusiastic pup who is probably one of the most interesting characters in the book. The thing is, Jacob is technically alpha thanks to his father's position in the Queleute tribe, but the afforementioned toddler-raper has taken over because he's older. So, when Jacob decides that he has to take care of his twuu wuuv Bella (who, you know, is sort of married to a vampire, and whose ultimate goal in life is to become a vampire himself) and the rest of the pack is like, "Get over her," Jacob breaks free on his own and now he has a pack of his own consisting of three members. Yay.
So, their job is to keep Bella safe during her gestation period, and to make sure that the other wolves don't take the Cullens to task for finally turning Bella on reservation territory, which would be a clear violation of the treaty between the two groups. Jacob reasons that if the vampire clan changes Bella in order to save her life, then they're actually upholding the "sanctity of life" part of everything.
Now, are you ready to jump in? Because it gets worse from here.
So, Bella is all sick and yucky and Jacob is concerned because the VampSpawn is killing her by breaking her bones and bruising her internal organs, but Bella is so obstinate in the face of the life of her baby. Women can be so irrational and selfish.
Edward and Jacob have lots of silent conversations where Jacob thinks snarky stuff about the various people around them, such as how Rosalie is probably hoping that Bella will die so that she can raise the baby as her own (Edward agrees). The two men are actually starting to get along okay for once, and why not? Edward can't be really close friends with only the people in his family for the rest of his life, can he? Wouldn't it be great if there was someone who was fun and interesting in his life, like Jacob, who makes him laugh with his snarky commentary? But no, this can't last because the first law of Romance Novelia is that if there are two people of the same sex and only one of the opposite, then the two of the same sex must needs be rivals. To that end, Edward starts understanding his demon spawn as it plays kickball with Bella's bladder, and he starts seeing it as more than just The Entity That Is Killing The Woman I Love Most In The World and starts seeing it as its own person with thoughts and feelings. The strongest feeling is that it loves Bella, and it actually starts understanding how to be gentler to its mother.
This sends Jacob into a tail spin because again, parents should have absolutely no control over their own reproduction, and if someone, even just one person, thinks that them having a baby is a bad idea, then they should abort the kid no matter what. I mean, someone is emitting disapproval rays over here. Let's get with the program, parents.
Jacob takes the most expensive, beautiful car in the Cullen Garage and speeds to a park where he looks every woman there in the eye, hoping he'll imprint on her so as to end his torturous love of Bella. This is because he has no control over his own emotions and is a pathetic juvenile wuss.
People are always getting on Myers about how she treats Bella in her books, making her suicidal without a man, incomplete without a man, so focused on Edward to the point that she forgets everything else, including her own bodily functions, but no one mentions how she writes men. Jacob and Edward are whiny, needy, unable to put other people's feelings above their own, unable to see a big picture, and unable to just not love Bella if she's hurting them. This last one is more for Jacob than Edward. Jacob is so pissed that every time he sees Bella, she smiles at him and is so happy to see him. This is a problem for Jacob because he, like many of the men who walk into my office, can't seem to fathom a woman smiling at them without wanting to shag them also. It can't just be a nice smile, or in Bella's case, a friendly smile. Also, Bella can't seem to do the right thing and just tell Jacob to stay away. She also can't seem to follow through on this. You can argue that Jacob is only hurting himself by continuing to love Bella even after reason tells him to stop, but eventually he will start hurting Bella too. His love is not pure, not for the benefit of another. It is selfish and obsessive and he can't get over the fact that Bella didn't choose him. This is how stalkers are formed. The kind of stalkers who eventually end up wearing a skin suit.
There is just not one healthy relationship in this entire convoluted mess.
So, Jacob's part is mostly him moping around the CullenDen with Bella and Rosalie (who, remember, is staying as close to Bella as possible just in case she needs to step in and be a surrogate mother) and thinking about how much his life sucks because the woman he loves doesn't love him back, and he can't seem to imprint on anyone. Imprinting is what makes werewolves fall in love with toddlers. This is something Jacob wants.
Bella finally gives birth to demon spawn Renesmee in a gory bloodbath and Edward uses a cardiac needle to inject Bella with his venom, and it's at this point in the story that I start wondering about the venom and how Bella didn't turn the moment they kissed for the first time. I mean, the venom is his saliva, right? So when they kissed, there would have been an exchange of fluid, and she should have turned the first time.
This book is so boring that it made me start wondering about this stuff.
And then Jacob imprints on Renesmee and I, not for the first time, try and figure out how this author is free to roam around America rather than being locked in a padded cell because she is clearly psychotic and has a borderline personality disorder of some kind. This book is not healthy. It does not paint women or men in a positive light. It does not depict relationships in a positive light. There are no negative consequences for unseemly behavior. It makes pedophilia seem like a positive option. It indicates that you as a person has no control over your life and that you are and should be completely ruled by your emotions.
Part three to come.
Bella is not amused.
Jacob settles in at Casa Cullen with his two werewolf besties: a scorned woman who still bears the scars from her ex-fiance's first change to wolfdom before he dropped her ass for a toddler (remember: Twilight means never having to say you're kidding), and an overenthusiastic pup who is probably one of the most interesting characters in the book. The thing is, Jacob is technically alpha thanks to his father's position in the Queleute tribe, but the afforementioned toddler-raper has taken over because he's older. So, when Jacob decides that he has to take care of his twuu wuuv Bella (who, you know, is sort of married to a vampire, and whose ultimate goal in life is to become a vampire himself) and the rest of the pack is like, "Get over her," Jacob breaks free on his own and now he has a pack of his own consisting of three members. Yay.
So, their job is to keep Bella safe during her gestation period, and to make sure that the other wolves don't take the Cullens to task for finally turning Bella on reservation territory, which would be a clear violation of the treaty between the two groups. Jacob reasons that if the vampire clan changes Bella in order to save her life, then they're actually upholding the "sanctity of life" part of everything.
Now, are you ready to jump in? Because it gets worse from here.
So, Bella is all sick and yucky and Jacob is concerned because the VampSpawn is killing her by breaking her bones and bruising her internal organs, but Bella is so obstinate in the face of the life of her baby. Women can be so irrational and selfish.
Edward and Jacob have lots of silent conversations where Jacob thinks snarky stuff about the various people around them, such as how Rosalie is probably hoping that Bella will die so that she can raise the baby as her own (Edward agrees). The two men are actually starting to get along okay for once, and why not? Edward can't be really close friends with only the people in his family for the rest of his life, can he? Wouldn't it be great if there was someone who was fun and interesting in his life, like Jacob, who makes him laugh with his snarky commentary? But no, this can't last because the first law of Romance Novelia is that if there are two people of the same sex and only one of the opposite, then the two of the same sex must needs be rivals. To that end, Edward starts understanding his demon spawn as it plays kickball with Bella's bladder, and he starts seeing it as more than just The Entity That Is Killing The Woman I Love Most In The World and starts seeing it as its own person with thoughts and feelings. The strongest feeling is that it loves Bella, and it actually starts understanding how to be gentler to its mother.
This sends Jacob into a tail spin because again, parents should have absolutely no control over their own reproduction, and if someone, even just one person, thinks that them having a baby is a bad idea, then they should abort the kid no matter what. I mean, someone is emitting disapproval rays over here. Let's get with the program, parents.
Jacob takes the most expensive, beautiful car in the Cullen Garage and speeds to a park where he looks every woman there in the eye, hoping he'll imprint on her so as to end his torturous love of Bella. This is because he has no control over his own emotions and is a pathetic juvenile wuss.
People are always getting on Myers about how she treats Bella in her books, making her suicidal without a man, incomplete without a man, so focused on Edward to the point that she forgets everything else, including her own bodily functions, but no one mentions how she writes men. Jacob and Edward are whiny, needy, unable to put other people's feelings above their own, unable to see a big picture, and unable to just not love Bella if she's hurting them. This last one is more for Jacob than Edward. Jacob is so pissed that every time he sees Bella, she smiles at him and is so happy to see him. This is a problem for Jacob because he, like many of the men who walk into my office, can't seem to fathom a woman smiling at them without wanting to shag them also. It can't just be a nice smile, or in Bella's case, a friendly smile. Also, Bella can't seem to do the right thing and just tell Jacob to stay away. She also can't seem to follow through on this. You can argue that Jacob is only hurting himself by continuing to love Bella even after reason tells him to stop, but eventually he will start hurting Bella too. His love is not pure, not for the benefit of another. It is selfish and obsessive and he can't get over the fact that Bella didn't choose him. This is how stalkers are formed. The kind of stalkers who eventually end up wearing a skin suit.
There is just not one healthy relationship in this entire convoluted mess.
So, Jacob's part is mostly him moping around the CullenDen with Bella and Rosalie (who, remember, is staying as close to Bella as possible just in case she needs to step in and be a surrogate mother) and thinking about how much his life sucks because the woman he loves doesn't love him back, and he can't seem to imprint on anyone. Imprinting is what makes werewolves fall in love with toddlers. This is something Jacob wants.
Bella finally gives birth to demon spawn Renesmee in a gory bloodbath and Edward uses a cardiac needle to inject Bella with his venom, and it's at this point in the story that I start wondering about the venom and how Bella didn't turn the moment they kissed for the first time. I mean, the venom is his saliva, right? So when they kissed, there would have been an exchange of fluid, and she should have turned the first time.
This book is so boring that it made me start wondering about this stuff.
And then Jacob imprints on Renesmee and I, not for the first time, try and figure out how this author is free to roam around America rather than being locked in a padded cell because she is clearly psychotic and has a borderline personality disorder of some kind. This book is not healthy. It does not paint women or men in a positive light. It does not depict relationships in a positive light. There are no negative consequences for unseemly behavior. It makes pedophilia seem like a positive option. It indicates that you as a person has no control over your life and that you are and should be completely ruled by your emotions.
Part three to come.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
From the child army liberation front
I'm not very political on this blog. Well, I'm not very political elsewhere. I'm part of the Green Party, and we don't get much love from anyone, not even liberals, so I tend to just not talk about it.
So, why start now? Well, this stupid KONY2012 thing. I mean, if the "cheezburger network" addresses it, I sort of feel honor-bound to. And I agree with everything the Cheezburger Network has to say, too, so there's something else (now I want a cheeseburger).
The thing about causes is that you have to really feel drawn to them. I feel very strongly about conservation, ending animal cruelty, addressing the sex-slave trade here in America (in the "massage" parlors), and the child prostitution in Thailand. I feel very strongly about these things. It does not mean that I don't feel one way or another about other issues, but my soul is in the causes I have mentioned above. I have researched, donated, volunteered, supported organizations, and talked to people passionately about these issues. I am both emotionally and intellectually involved in these issues.
Have you ever seen the "feed the children" commercials? They are only emotional. The ASPCA "in the arms of the angels" commercials? Emotional. (A friend told me about a poster with Sara McLachlan on it and the caption, "I'm about to ruin your f*cking day!" and I laughed because it's so true!) KONY 2012 is a play on emotions. It does not engage your intellect. It will more than likely be forgotten in a few weeks, the same way you forget about Feed the Children and the ASPCA once the commercials are over.
Remember when everyone was all worked up over the Rwandan genocides? Or how about the blood diamonds of the Sudan? Remember when the only thing you knew about Afghanastan was about how the women and little girls were being denied health care, education, and basic human rights? (No, you probably don't. It got swallowed up by the war.)
Those things don't last. You can't move an entire nation to rise up and do something because you can't hold their attention for that long. If they are not completely engaged in the crisis, then the whole of humanity can only pay lip-service, and that's what this kind of emotional tugging is all about. "Send money! Buy this kit! It has posters in it!" How much money actually goes to the people it's supposed to support? Do you know? I sure don't.
I think it's human nature to not want to turn away from these things. If all you have to do is give $5.00 a day, why wouldn't you, you heartless bastard. Why not? Because these groups can't prove what my money is going to. They are so busy showing mutilations, abuse, crying children, etc. to show me that what they're doing makes a damn in anyone's life. It's not that I think the organization doesn't do good work. I'm sure it does at some point. But just like I think GEICO could save me a lot more money if they'd stop playing commercials every five minutes, I think that these causes would go a lot farther if they'd figure out a way to make me care for more than just a minute. No, they may not reach as many people at once, but the people they do reach will be more effective and better able to work with the organization to further the goal.
The goal is an end to the violence, right?
Well, wait...if the violence is ended...how are we going to make money?
There are good organizations out there who allow public auditing of their finances, who are accountable to their patrons, and who are looking to end the violence because that means that they have more chances to help other people once that is over. And trust me, human nature dictates that there will always be atrocities out there for people to get involved in.
So, why start now? Well, this stupid KONY2012 thing. I mean, if the "cheezburger network" addresses it, I sort of feel honor-bound to. And I agree with everything the Cheezburger Network has to say, too, so there's something else (now I want a cheeseburger).
The thing about causes is that you have to really feel drawn to them. I feel very strongly about conservation, ending animal cruelty, addressing the sex-slave trade here in America (in the "massage" parlors), and the child prostitution in Thailand. I feel very strongly about these things. It does not mean that I don't feel one way or another about other issues, but my soul is in the causes I have mentioned above. I have researched, donated, volunteered, supported organizations, and talked to people passionately about these issues. I am both emotionally and intellectually involved in these issues.
Have you ever seen the "feed the children" commercials? They are only emotional. The ASPCA "in the arms of the angels" commercials? Emotional. (A friend told me about a poster with Sara McLachlan on it and the caption, "I'm about to ruin your f*cking day!" and I laughed because it's so true!) KONY 2012 is a play on emotions. It does not engage your intellect. It will more than likely be forgotten in a few weeks, the same way you forget about Feed the Children and the ASPCA once the commercials are over.
Remember when everyone was all worked up over the Rwandan genocides? Or how about the blood diamonds of the Sudan? Remember when the only thing you knew about Afghanastan was about how the women and little girls were being denied health care, education, and basic human rights? (No, you probably don't. It got swallowed up by the war.)
Those things don't last. You can't move an entire nation to rise up and do something because you can't hold their attention for that long. If they are not completely engaged in the crisis, then the whole of humanity can only pay lip-service, and that's what this kind of emotional tugging is all about. "Send money! Buy this kit! It has posters in it!" How much money actually goes to the people it's supposed to support? Do you know? I sure don't.
I think it's human nature to not want to turn away from these things. If all you have to do is give $5.00 a day, why wouldn't you, you heartless bastard. Why not? Because these groups can't prove what my money is going to. They are so busy showing mutilations, abuse, crying children, etc. to show me that what they're doing makes a damn in anyone's life. It's not that I think the organization doesn't do good work. I'm sure it does at some point. But just like I think GEICO could save me a lot more money if they'd stop playing commercials every five minutes, I think that these causes would go a lot farther if they'd figure out a way to make me care for more than just a minute. No, they may not reach as many people at once, but the people they do reach will be more effective and better able to work with the organization to further the goal.
The goal is an end to the violence, right?
Well, wait...if the violence is ended...how are we going to make money?
There are good organizations out there who allow public auditing of their finances, who are accountable to their patrons, and who are looking to end the violence because that means that they have more chances to help other people once that is over. And trust me, human nature dictates that there will always be atrocities out there for people to get involved in.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Breaking Dawn Book Review: Abortion is not a Democracy
If you don't know that Breaking Dawn is the last book of the Twilight saga, then congratulations. You sort of win at life.
Like all of the Twilight books, BD centers around Bella, her perfect, super-human, absolutely wonderful, god-like boyfriend Edward and his incredible, amazing, perfect, beautiful family. In BD, however, Bella and Edward finally get married and get to have sparkley sex. Yay! Or...ew?
The book opens with Alice, Edward's pixie-like fashionista sister planning Bella's wedding. To the last minim. Because it's not like Bella has a mom who'd probably like to be involved with the wedding planning. No, everyone is kept in the dark, and Bella even has to undergo her dress fittings while her eyes are closed so she can be completely surprised on her wedding day. You know, as brides are wont to do. What bride wants to be bogged down with all that planning, anyway? It's so much work.
We learn that Charlie, Bella's human, fallible, somewhat stupid (in her opinion) father who can't possibly measure up to the Cullens, is still unhappy about the marriage but determined to see it through because he loves Bella. I grew up with a father who looked at my life as the exact same as his life with no distinctions between the two, and who would not hesitate to make the world's most gigantic stink if I ever married in a way that he disaproved of, so I sort of hate Bella for the way she treats her dad. She never looks at her relationship with Edward through her father's eyes. I mean, she ended up in the hospital for days after Edward lied about her "falling down the stairs." Charlie is a police chief. There have to be some domestic abuse situations going on in his town. He has to have heard the "fell down the stairs" excuse a hundred times. And let's not even get into New Moon when Bella's break-up caused her to go practically catatonic with depression. Bella has a dad who cares, and she doesn't care, and I could just scratch her eyes out for it.
Bella also complains about the car Edward bought for her. Because teenaged girls just hate when their boyfriends buy cars for them. It's too flashy, too visible. It's a testament to Bella's human fallibility, a monument to her weakness, her smallness, her mortality. Bella finds the car annoying for these reasons, and yet she overlooks her boyfriend's controlling ways because she's in lurve with him and they're perfect for each other and she can't live without him. These are not reasons to get married. They are reasons to seek counselling.
After the wedding, which is huge and lavish and fablablablah...
Look, I'm going to be honest: if I decide to get married (rather than moving to Spain and taking a string of international lovers, that is), I will admit that I won't care much about the ceremony and that I am like Bella in that regard (please, God, let me find a guy who wants a TARDIS chuppah!). I would probably either have a very small ceremony with just the necessary friends and family, or elope at the Star Trek Adventure. But that doesn't mean, if I had to have a huge wedding because of other reasons (maybe I'm going to marry a Public Figure? LOL) ,that I wouldn't have opinions about it, or want to see my own tastes implemented. Bella has no opinion. This is because Bella has no interests outside of Edward. Her wedding ends up being photogenic and perfect with everyone and everything in the exact right place at the exact right time. The wedding is every bit as boring as Bella and Edward, and they were in exactly zero control of any of it.
Anyway, then they move onto their honeymoon in South America, and that's where things get interesting. I mean, Alice packed tampons for Bella (Alice packed the honeymoon clothes, too. Because there's no reason in Helheim that Bella would want a comfy pair of jeans and a baggy sweater or T-shirt. No, just lingerie.), but apparently forgot to pack condoms for Edward because Bells gets knocked up.
Now, the entire series, Bella has been in mortal danger of the universe imploding on her at any second, and the only person who is qualified to save her is Edward. We are told throughout the entire series that Bella is ineffectual, stupid, weak, clumsy, unattractive, and just all-around not a good human being. But Bella figures out that she's preggy and she is the one who steps up to the plate while Edward has some crazy existential crisis. He moans about how he's a monster and he's sullied his sweet Bella and he's ruined their lives and oh, oh, ohhhhhh....life is just going to end! It's just going to be horrid! Help!
Bella in the meantime, is bonding with her baby. Her "nudger" as she calls it (come on, that's adorkable). It nudges her because it's growing at an alarming rate and she can already feel it. She is also calling the Cullens in order to make arrangements for going home, packing, and basically keeping her shit together. Looking back on the series, this is how Bella has always been. All of the stuff that Edward has done to keep Bella "safe" ends up backfiring on him (like going to Phoenix in T, or breaking up in NM, or the huge fight in E...), but Bella always manages to be strong and pull herself through. But Edward is always lauded as the saviour...
I don't know, all I can say is that SMeyers' is messed up and it comes out in her writing.
Anyway, they go home and the POV switches from Bella to Jacob because Bella is gestating CullenSpawn, and said spawn is killing her from the inside out.
So, here is the worst part for me. The absolute worst part. Jacob and Edward communally decide that Bella needs an abortion. Because abortion is a democracy. If you get pregnant, there will be a panel to decide if you can keep the baby.
I know there are pro-aborters who would totally try to talk Bella into having an abortion no matter what, and that there are anti-aborters who would talk Bella into having the baby no matter what, but neither group would be right. This is Bella's choice. She's not some unwed mother in the 1950's whose parents have the state-sanctioned right to 'send her away' for a year. She's a married woman. It is her life at stake and no one else's, therefore it is her decision to make. She knows that she can die, but her baby's life is more important than her own to her. I can't tell her she's wrong. But Edward will try. And he gets Jacob on his side.
"I would even let her have puppies," Edward says to Jacob, indicating that he'd 'share' Bella with Jacob because IVF does not exist in the Cullenverse. Jacob imagines a world where he 'gets' Bella on the weekends and Edward 'gets' her the rest of the week. Because women don't care who they have sex with apparently. Also, women are property to be lent out at the will of the owner.
I just...I can't with this woman.
The thing is, if Edward had just done as Bella had asked at the beginning (you know, taken her feelings and desires into account rather than just his own) and turned her into a vampire before all of this, Bella never would have gotten pregnant and they could have shagged happliy ever after. Edward's refusal to listen to Bella's wants and needs caused this issue in the first place. This relationship is so destructive and selfish that it's layered like a really stinky, rotten onion.
I like Jacob's reactions to stuff, and I even sort of like that Edward can read his thoughts. These two really have a much better, more equal relationship (at this point, but that will all change) and are totally better suited to each other than Bella and Edward. Jacob would never put up with Edward's navel-gazing, and Edward would never feel superior to Jacob for being bigger and stronger, and therefore his ego would be tempered. But alas! When you are a Mormon writer banging out a Mormon allegory, there can be no Ho!Yay! in Mormon territory. Not even Bromance. Edward and Jacob must be rivals or that would just be too gay.
Anyway, end of the second part, and I'll save the rest for later.
Like all of the Twilight books, BD centers around Bella, her perfect, super-human, absolutely wonderful, god-like boyfriend Edward and his incredible, amazing, perfect, beautiful family. In BD, however, Bella and Edward finally get married and get to have sparkley sex. Yay! Or...ew?
The book opens with Alice, Edward's pixie-like fashionista sister planning Bella's wedding. To the last minim. Because it's not like Bella has a mom who'd probably like to be involved with the wedding planning. No, everyone is kept in the dark, and Bella even has to undergo her dress fittings while her eyes are closed so she can be completely surprised on her wedding day. You know, as brides are wont to do. What bride wants to be bogged down with all that planning, anyway? It's so much work.
We learn that Charlie, Bella's human, fallible, somewhat stupid (in her opinion) father who can't possibly measure up to the Cullens, is still unhappy about the marriage but determined to see it through because he loves Bella. I grew up with a father who looked at my life as the exact same as his life with no distinctions between the two, and who would not hesitate to make the world's most gigantic stink if I ever married in a way that he disaproved of, so I sort of hate Bella for the way she treats her dad. She never looks at her relationship with Edward through her father's eyes. I mean, she ended up in the hospital for days after Edward lied about her "falling down the stairs." Charlie is a police chief. There have to be some domestic abuse situations going on in his town. He has to have heard the "fell down the stairs" excuse a hundred times. And let's not even get into New Moon when Bella's break-up caused her to go practically catatonic with depression. Bella has a dad who cares, and she doesn't care, and I could just scratch her eyes out for it.
Bella also complains about the car Edward bought for her. Because teenaged girls just hate when their boyfriends buy cars for them. It's too flashy, too visible. It's a testament to Bella's human fallibility, a monument to her weakness, her smallness, her mortality. Bella finds the car annoying for these reasons, and yet she overlooks her boyfriend's controlling ways because she's in lurve with him and they're perfect for each other and she can't live without him. These are not reasons to get married. They are reasons to seek counselling.
After the wedding, which is huge and lavish and fablablablah...
Look, I'm going to be honest: if I decide to get married (rather than moving to Spain and taking a string of international lovers, that is), I will admit that I won't care much about the ceremony and that I am like Bella in that regard (please, God, let me find a guy who wants a TARDIS chuppah!). I would probably either have a very small ceremony with just the necessary friends and family, or elope at the Star Trek Adventure. But that doesn't mean, if I had to have a huge wedding because of other reasons (maybe I'm going to marry a Public Figure? LOL) ,that I wouldn't have opinions about it, or want to see my own tastes implemented. Bella has no opinion. This is because Bella has no interests outside of Edward. Her wedding ends up being photogenic and perfect with everyone and everything in the exact right place at the exact right time. The wedding is every bit as boring as Bella and Edward, and they were in exactly zero control of any of it.
Anyway, then they move onto their honeymoon in South America, and that's where things get interesting. I mean, Alice packed tampons for Bella (Alice packed the honeymoon clothes, too. Because there's no reason in Helheim that Bella would want a comfy pair of jeans and a baggy sweater or T-shirt. No, just lingerie.), but apparently forgot to pack condoms for Edward because Bells gets knocked up.
Now, the entire series, Bella has been in mortal danger of the universe imploding on her at any second, and the only person who is qualified to save her is Edward. We are told throughout the entire series that Bella is ineffectual, stupid, weak, clumsy, unattractive, and just all-around not a good human being. But Bella figures out that she's preggy and she is the one who steps up to the plate while Edward has some crazy existential crisis. He moans about how he's a monster and he's sullied his sweet Bella and he's ruined their lives and oh, oh, ohhhhhh....life is just going to end! It's just going to be horrid! Help!
Bella in the meantime, is bonding with her baby. Her "nudger" as she calls it (come on, that's adorkable). It nudges her because it's growing at an alarming rate and she can already feel it. She is also calling the Cullens in order to make arrangements for going home, packing, and basically keeping her shit together. Looking back on the series, this is how Bella has always been. All of the stuff that Edward has done to keep Bella "safe" ends up backfiring on him (like going to Phoenix in T, or breaking up in NM, or the huge fight in E...), but Bella always manages to be strong and pull herself through. But Edward is always lauded as the saviour...
I don't know, all I can say is that SMeyers' is messed up and it comes out in her writing.
Anyway, they go home and the POV switches from Bella to Jacob because Bella is gestating CullenSpawn, and said spawn is killing her from the inside out.
So, here is the worst part for me. The absolute worst part. Jacob and Edward communally decide that Bella needs an abortion. Because abortion is a democracy. If you get pregnant, there will be a panel to decide if you can keep the baby.
I know there are pro-aborters who would totally try to talk Bella into having an abortion no matter what, and that there are anti-aborters who would talk Bella into having the baby no matter what, but neither group would be right. This is Bella's choice. She's not some unwed mother in the 1950's whose parents have the state-sanctioned right to 'send her away' for a year. She's a married woman. It is her life at stake and no one else's, therefore it is her decision to make. She knows that she can die, but her baby's life is more important than her own to her. I can't tell her she's wrong. But Edward will try. And he gets Jacob on his side.
"I would even let her have puppies," Edward says to Jacob, indicating that he'd 'share' Bella with Jacob because IVF does not exist in the Cullenverse. Jacob imagines a world where he 'gets' Bella on the weekends and Edward 'gets' her the rest of the week. Because women don't care who they have sex with apparently. Also, women are property to be lent out at the will of the owner.
I just...I can't with this woman.
The thing is, if Edward had just done as Bella had asked at the beginning (you know, taken her feelings and desires into account rather than just his own) and turned her into a vampire before all of this, Bella never would have gotten pregnant and they could have shagged happliy ever after. Edward's refusal to listen to Bella's wants and needs caused this issue in the first place. This relationship is so destructive and selfish that it's layered like a really stinky, rotten onion.
I like Jacob's reactions to stuff, and I even sort of like that Edward can read his thoughts. These two really have a much better, more equal relationship (at this point, but that will all change) and are totally better suited to each other than Bella and Edward. Jacob would never put up with Edward's navel-gazing, and Edward would never feel superior to Jacob for being bigger and stronger, and therefore his ego would be tempered. But alas! When you are a Mormon writer banging out a Mormon allegory, there can be no Ho!Yay! in Mormon territory. Not even Bromance. Edward and Jacob must be rivals or that would just be too gay.
Anyway, end of the second part, and I'll save the rest for later.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
The End
Yesterday, I completely ended my friendship with A. I've had some conflicting emotions, but it's really clear to me that I did the right thing.
If you asked me a month or two ago if this was a good friendship, I would have said yes, but right now, looking back, I can see that it wasn't. A stopped communicating with me sometime around August, a few months after she got married. I felt her pulling away, and I started chasing after her. I would invite her someplace, a week or two in advance. "hey, wanna hang out? Wanna...?" She wouldn't respond, not a word, and then on the day that I had invited her out, I would see that she and her husband had gone somewhere on that day because she would post it on Facebook. I tried not to take it personally. I excused her saying that she had just got married, life was hard for her.
But the biggest problem was the fact that she was just not there. No communication, nothing.
We had a misunderstanding. She had a party on a Sunday night (which is convenient for absolutely no one), and shocker, no one really responded that they would come. She sent me a text that was for someone else, and it looked like she was saying that no one was coming and did this person maybe want to do something else?
I reacted badly, but I think my reaction was justified. This didn't just happen, it had been happening for months. I invited her out only to have no response and to find out that she did soemething else that very night about four times by then. It felt like she was just pushing me out, so I bowed out.
For whatever reason, she decided to try and get me back. So, I talked to her. I let her know how she hurt me. Her response was that it sounded like her life made me sad.
Um...In the sense that her life no longer included me, yes it made me sad. But did her life, her newfound happiness and new family and all that fun stuff make me sad? No.
I asked for communication. I asked for just something every now and then.
I never got it. I mean literally never got it.
She sent me a few emails about whether I was getting help for my issues and all, but I didn't get anything else. No friendly hello's, nothing.
I was away for Christmas, and then I had my move and all. After all that, I started going back to church with A, and it was obvious that things had changed for her. I know now that she was going through something difficult, but she never told me that. All I knew was that this person who was supposed to be my friend was pushing me away. We used to go out to lunch afterwards, and now A wasn't available for that.
But...well, when I would walk away after she wasn't available for lunch, I could hear her making plans with her husband for going out to lunch. It was so hurtful, and so directly hurtful. She was trying to hurt me, there can be no other explanation for it. This was no misunderstanding. There was no excuse for this behaviour. And it all comes back to communication. If she had just been honest and told me that she needed space or that it was too hard because of this thing that was going on to see me, I would have understood.
I know now that she had something bad happen to her. I don't know what, but I know it was bad. I'm sorry for her, but that doesn't excuse her behaviour.
So this is where I am now. I am forced to be the bad guy and put an end to it all. She wouldn't just say, "I can't see you or hear from you for a while, please understand." No, she got passive-aggressive and pushed me away. The thing is, I wouldn't mind so much, but my side is apparently not important to her. I can see things from her side. I get her side. I don't know if I could put on her shoes and walk around, but I can at least empathise.
I'm angry right now, but I'm mostly angry at myself. I let her use me. I never confronted her when I heard her lying. I can accept my part in this, but I can't be a part of it any longer.
Was it a good friendship? It doesn't look like it. Now the only thing I can do is learn from my mistakes.
I have to add this, because it's something I've been musing over for a while. In her final e-mail to me (where she got upset because she said I wasn't treating her like a person with feelings...keep this in mind...), she said she hoped I got help for my "emotional problems." I don't have "emotional problems." I have a depressive disorder. It's a chemical imbalance. I have no control over it. I'm starting to think that she has no idea who I am, and that she is not treating me like a person with feelings. I'm a human being. I have emotions. I don't have problems with those emotions. I had a problem a while back because I wasn't taking my medicine, and then a few months ago, I had some issues because I had to stop taking one medication and start taking another and it screwed with me (that warning about medicine making you suicidal actually happens), but none of this was in my control. Especially not a few months ago when I started cutting again because of this medicine. Now I'm doing better...much better...but oh my gosh. If there is one person out there who I should be able to talk to this stuff about, shouldn't it be my friend? And then she just dismisses everything else about me except this one idea that she has that I have "emotional problems." I am so much more than a diagnosis. I'm actually a pretty awesome human being, and I'm very loyal to my friends. Letting go of this relationship was hard, but it was unhealthy, for both of us, I guess.
If you asked me a month or two ago if this was a good friendship, I would have said yes, but right now, looking back, I can see that it wasn't. A stopped communicating with me sometime around August, a few months after she got married. I felt her pulling away, and I started chasing after her. I would invite her someplace, a week or two in advance. "hey, wanna hang out? Wanna...?" She wouldn't respond, not a word, and then on the day that I had invited her out, I would see that she and her husband had gone somewhere on that day because she would post it on Facebook. I tried not to take it personally. I excused her saying that she had just got married, life was hard for her.
But the biggest problem was the fact that she was just not there. No communication, nothing.
We had a misunderstanding. She had a party on a Sunday night (which is convenient for absolutely no one), and shocker, no one really responded that they would come. She sent me a text that was for someone else, and it looked like she was saying that no one was coming and did this person maybe want to do something else?
I reacted badly, but I think my reaction was justified. This didn't just happen, it had been happening for months. I invited her out only to have no response and to find out that she did soemething else that very night about four times by then. It felt like she was just pushing me out, so I bowed out.
For whatever reason, she decided to try and get me back. So, I talked to her. I let her know how she hurt me. Her response was that it sounded like her life made me sad.
Um...In the sense that her life no longer included me, yes it made me sad. But did her life, her newfound happiness and new family and all that fun stuff make me sad? No.
I asked for communication. I asked for just something every now and then.
I never got it. I mean literally never got it.
She sent me a few emails about whether I was getting help for my issues and all, but I didn't get anything else. No friendly hello's, nothing.
I was away for Christmas, and then I had my move and all. After all that, I started going back to church with A, and it was obvious that things had changed for her. I know now that she was going through something difficult, but she never told me that. All I knew was that this person who was supposed to be my friend was pushing me away. We used to go out to lunch afterwards, and now A wasn't available for that.
But...well, when I would walk away after she wasn't available for lunch, I could hear her making plans with her husband for going out to lunch. It was so hurtful, and so directly hurtful. She was trying to hurt me, there can be no other explanation for it. This was no misunderstanding. There was no excuse for this behaviour. And it all comes back to communication. If she had just been honest and told me that she needed space or that it was too hard because of this thing that was going on to see me, I would have understood.
I know now that she had something bad happen to her. I don't know what, but I know it was bad. I'm sorry for her, but that doesn't excuse her behaviour.
So this is where I am now. I am forced to be the bad guy and put an end to it all. She wouldn't just say, "I can't see you or hear from you for a while, please understand." No, she got passive-aggressive and pushed me away. The thing is, I wouldn't mind so much, but my side is apparently not important to her. I can see things from her side. I get her side. I don't know if I could put on her shoes and walk around, but I can at least empathise.
I'm angry right now, but I'm mostly angry at myself. I let her use me. I never confronted her when I heard her lying. I can accept my part in this, but I can't be a part of it any longer.
Was it a good friendship? It doesn't look like it. Now the only thing I can do is learn from my mistakes.
I have to add this, because it's something I've been musing over for a while. In her final e-mail to me (where she got upset because she said I wasn't treating her like a person with feelings...keep this in mind...), she said she hoped I got help for my "emotional problems." I don't have "emotional problems." I have a depressive disorder. It's a chemical imbalance. I have no control over it. I'm starting to think that she has no idea who I am, and that she is not treating me like a person with feelings. I'm a human being. I have emotions. I don't have problems with those emotions. I had a problem a while back because I wasn't taking my medicine, and then a few months ago, I had some issues because I had to stop taking one medication and start taking another and it screwed with me (that warning about medicine making you suicidal actually happens), but none of this was in my control. Especially not a few months ago when I started cutting again because of this medicine. Now I'm doing better...much better...but oh my gosh. If there is one person out there who I should be able to talk to this stuff about, shouldn't it be my friend? And then she just dismisses everything else about me except this one idea that she has that I have "emotional problems." I am so much more than a diagnosis. I'm actually a pretty awesome human being, and I'm very loyal to my friends. Letting go of this relationship was hard, but it was unhealthy, for both of us, I guess.
Monday, March 5, 2012
The dreaded midterm
So, my best friend asked me a few weeks ago if I'd be available to go to Vegas with her this week, all expenses except air travel paid. I was like, "Hells yeah!" and then I checked my class schedule. This is midterm week, and even though I only have one midterm (biology), it's a huge week (actually, two midterms...one for lecture [tonight] and one for lab [Wednesday]), and I can't miss it. I'm like, "Can't your work reschedule this convention that they've been planning for nine months so I can go next week during Spring Break?"
Apparently that's asking too much. Hmph.
So, now she's in Vegas with her gay best friend, going to Hooters and hanging out at a gay bar called "The Gypsy Den" which has nothing in common with the whole food vegetarian restaurant chain that we have here in So Cal. (Oh please, God, let it be a reference to Gypsy Rose Lee!)
So...I'm stuck here taking a test. Whatever. I know all about cellular respiration.
Apparently that's asking too much. Hmph.
So, now she's in Vegas with her gay best friend, going to Hooters and hanging out at a gay bar called "The Gypsy Den" which has nothing in common with the whole food vegetarian restaurant chain that we have here in So Cal. (Oh please, God, let it be a reference to Gypsy Rose Lee!)
So...I'm stuck here taking a test. Whatever. I know all about cellular respiration.
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