Chapter by Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades Darker Chapters Prologue-One

When last we left our intrepid couple, Ana had just left Christian because he beat the crap out of her for rolling her eyes at him. It should be noted both that Christian has rolled his eyes at Ana numerous times, and that Ana indeed asked him to do it to her. This makes Christian both a hypocrite and a very stupid and sociopathic human being. In other words, the exact right person to walk out on.

When I first read this book, I was sure that half of it would be resolving the relationship issues between Ana and Christian, which should tell you how naive I am still with this author. If you've only read my synopses so far, then you probably have already figured it out. If not, then join the crowd because the horrible story telling has only been scratched at so far.

Prologue

This prologue is both stupid and makes no sense. I know that the same can be said about the entire book, but I want to pay special attention to the prologue because it's not only told from Christian's perspective while the rest of the book is told through Ana's exclusively, but it's also told through Christian's perspective as a very young child. It basically tells a story about how one day, a man came and beat up Christian's mom, which frankly makes his need to beat up women even worse owing to how horrified Woobie Christian is in his memory. After his mom is beat, the man turns on Christian. I'm not sure if it's supposed to be his dad, or if it's just his mom's pimp/pusher. As a story telling device, it doesn't do anything to further the story, and if it's supposed to make me feel sorry for Christian, then it's not doing his job. He's a grown man now. If he can't take control of his own life, then he needs to use the tools that are currently available to him to do so. Controlling everybody else's life (or, more specifically, Ana's life) won't make him better able to handle himself. In fact, I think worse of him because it shows how disturbed he is, how horrible he knows domestic abuse is, and yet how unwilling he is to face his demons.

Sort of like Gary Oldman's hairstyle in The Fifth Element, you're sure it has some deep meaning, but it's too ridiculous to look very closely at.

Chapter One

OMG, y'all, it's been three whole days since Ana's seen Christian. How is she surviving?

Not too well. She only has a brand-new job to keep her distracted, and we all know that's just not enough. Her new boss, Jack Hyde, the good looking guy with red hair and blue eyes tells her she's been doing a good job, but we're supposed to think he's sinister.

But Ana can't think too hard on that. She has a hole in her chest (could we not get farther away from Twilight here?) where Christian and her old VW Beetle used to be. Her apartment is as empty as her life is currently, and Ana finally misses Kate. Her best friend. That she hasn't texted or e-mailed or spoken to in weeks. Remember her? She featured a little heavily at the start of the first book.

Well, don't worry, we might not need to have her in this book either because there's a delivery at the door from Christian, flowers and a card congratulating her on her first day of work and thanking her for the gift she left him as she was walking out the door, a little glider replica. In order to keep herself from feeling too badly, she decides it's from Christian's secretary, not himself.

So, the days go on. She sleeps and cries and goes to work then goes home and cries and doesn't listen to music at all. She's decided she's become an island state (you know, like "Bloody Ibiza"? Nick Hornby hates you, EL James.) and that she doesn't need anyone.

John Bon Jovi once said, "No man is an island."
Simon and Garfunkel said, "I am a rock, I am an island."

So, Jack is all over her at work, asking personal questions and stuff. I'm sure he's like, "Do you want some coffee? I'm heading to Starbuck's." or, "Hey, we're all heading to the corner restaurant for lunch, wanna come?" and it's just excruciating for Ana. How dare he be all up in her grill? Who does he think he is, anyway? Her boss who will have to work closely with her and wants to make sure he's okay with her personality before he passes her through her probationary review? What a jerk.



Oh, but the bright light at the end of this tunnel...Christian e-mails Ana at her work and asks if she wants him to take her to Jose's show. While working out how Christian got her e-mail addy, she realizes that she'd forwarded her calls from her regular phone to the Blackberry Chrsitian had given her, and that's why no one has called her at all.

So, does she want Christian to take her to the show? Hells yeah she does! Oh my, golly gee willikers, my goodness! She's all twitterpated

Okay, so Christian's anguished face when she left haunts her. What about her anguished backside? Have we forgotten so quickly? I think Ana needs to reach out to one of those domestic abuse hotlines so she can find healing for the pain he's inflicted on her. Then she needs to go somewhere that he can't find her.

At work, Jack asks Ana to a drink Friday night to celebrate her first week. This makes her uneasy, and it should. It sounds like a date.

Bing Crosby thought I was hitting on him at first, too. He had talent.

I just want to point out for the umpteenth time that it really sucks how there can't just be a normal man around Ana. Jack, of course, has to be horrible because otherwise we might wonder why she doesn't get with him instead of Christian.

Ana leaves work and finds Jack at the door. He walks her out and "he's looking toward the Audi SUV in dismay." Um...okay. Yeah. I mean, one of those Porsche Cayenne's would show a guy who's totally posh and rich maybe, but an Audi SUV. Wow. Yeah, a guy like Jack Hyde would never have a chance against an Audi SUV.

Never gonna get it never gonna get it/never gonna get it never gonna get it...

Oh, is he looking at Christian inside of the SUV? Is a guy finally figuring out that Christian is just drop-dead gorgeous, does he recognize Christian? I spent the first book discussing the deplorable characters, I feel like the second book can be devoted to the deplorable writing.

So, Christian looks just gorgeous as always, and of course immediately begins berating Ana for not eating like he wants her to. It can't possibly be that she's had an intense emotional issue this last week and is sort of off her feed because of it. And of course, it's the first thing he says.

Okay, maybe I can complain about this relationship some more.

Ana gets persnickety with Christian, and instead of him being like, "Yeah, you're right, it's none of my business," he's all, "I don't wanna hear your lip, woman. Answer the damn question already." Ana rolls her eyes, which we all know is strictly verboten and then they both start laughing and then Ana starts crying and then Christian pulls her into his lap and they snuggle because this crazy fucked up relationship is clearly what they both want, so let them have it already.

They get in an elevator, and like always, they're ready to jump on each other. Christian tells Ana not to bite her lip because he can't quite remember why she walked out on him.

They strap into Charlie Tango, the helicopter, and they head out. This happens:

"We've chased the dawn, Anastasia, now the dusk," his voice comes through on the headphones. I turn and gape at him in surprise.

She's sure he meant to say "Twilight" instead of "Dusk."

They really ought to call the books "Boring women and the sexually ambiguous guys who stalk them."

Oh, wait, no. She thinks it's romantic, what he just said. Yeah. I mean...um...so romantical.

They talk a bit about the skyline. Christian tries to make a date, but Ana reminds him that they broke up. He gets a little upset at this. She snarks at him and he complains about her tone. Her response is pretty much, "Suck it up, big baby." He decides that he's missed her smart mouth.

You know. The one he liked to physically punish her over.

Finally, they arrive in Portland, and Ana realizes that she's only really been dating Christian for three weeks. For me, this is a wake-up call to everyone. You can't know someone that well in that short amount of time. Look at Marianne and Willoughby.

No, really. Look at them. Until Ana and Christian came along, they were my two least favorite people in literature. Now I think they're awesome. Thanks a lot, EL James. I never thought it was possible for someone to make a more vapid and shallow heroine than Marianne Dashwood, or a more self-serving jerkwad of a hero than Willoughby.

Marianne and Willoughby's love burned too brightly and too quickly. Like a piece of newsprint, it was bound to go up in smoke. Compared to people like Emma and Mr. Knightly, who had a twenty-two year romance, it was bound to fail. But I'm supposed to invest in this three-week long relationship.

Christian refers to Jose as "the boy" which is both vaguely racist and blatantly dismissive. Then he tries to get Ana to eat, which makes her mad. But we all know Ana has no fortitude for anger. She will never stick with it.

They go to Jose's show, and a lady of course drools all over Christian. Then she sees Ana and gets sort of familiar with her saying that she'll want Ana's take on the show. Both Christian and Ana are surprised at this, and Christian wants to know if Ana knows this lady. She doesn't.

Jose finds them and he's wearing a suit. I'm disappointed. I was hoping he'd be in a striped shirt and red beret or something.

My soul taps in time to the rhythm of your heart
I just ain't no good for you, baby

Ana hugs Jose like he's her liferaft. He's her only friend while Kat is away. She hasn't seen him for three weeks. She's such a great friend.

Jose wants to talk to Ana quite a bit, but there's a reporter who wants to talk to him. Christian comes back and finds Ana, remarking that Jose is a very good photographer. Sure, put some black and white film in anyone's hands, and they become Ansel Adams.

A reporter wants a picture of Christian, and he pulls Ana into the shot. Ana brings up how there are no photos of him with dates on the internet. Christian reminds Ana that he doesn't "do" dates with anyone but her.

Okay, they find pictures of Ana on one of the walls. Christian is pissed off, because that's his right. Oh, wait, no. It's Ana's right.

Really, Jose had no legal right to take pictures of Ana without her permission, particularly not for profit or personal gain. There is an expectation of privacy that people can have, and Jose has violated that expectation.

Christian buys all of the photos because he doesn't want a stranger "ogling" her.

Um...I'm imagining that Ana is fully clothed and not naked or sprawled anywhere. "Ogling" sounds too strong a word. It's also Christian's horrifying controlling coming out. What gives him the right? Hey, Ana, remember how you broke it off with this moron? Can you do that again.

No, of course she can't. She thinks this is all very cute.

And she thinks Christian is just gorgeous.

But then they have a short argument. She thinks that he can't tell her that he likes her "smart mouth" and then want to punish her when she crosses his lines. He wants her to actually communicate. Then he wants her to go and eat with him because she's clearly going to starve to death. He calls Jose "the boy" again, and Ana stands up for her friend.

Oh, but the last time Christian saw Jose, he was trying to kiss Ana. Well, he's never hit her, has he? Ana says. Christian calls that a low blow.

What does he call it when he hits her?

So Ana says goodbye to Jose like a good little Stepford Wife, and Jose gives her hugs and apologizes about the photos of her. Ana, true to her doormat nature, says it's okay and gives him a kiss. This of course enrages Christian and he pulls Ana outside so he can kiss her himself.

She's his. She's all his. She knows this, right?

So, not even one chapter in, and they're back together. Of course. I should have known.

Ana apologizes for having Jose as a friend and hugging him like she would a friend. She and Christian go off to eat together.

Sorry, guys. I know your day just got a lot worse. I know mine did. Why am I doing this? To myself? To you?  I honestly thought there'd be some down time between them while they both worked on their separate issues, and I even further thought that the book would be from Christian's perspective because of the prologue.

Anyway, here we are, right back where we left off. Christian is still ordering Ana around, and she's still taking it.

Be back with more soon.

I got a new job...

What this means for you: A delay in my Fifty Shades Darker commentary. But I have begun it! And it's really awful. OMG is it awful.

What this means for me: I will be in a different department here at the law enforcement agency I work for, and I will be working the graveyard shift. This will be great for my college career as I will have more daylight time to devote to classes. I'll probably be able to write more for this blog, too, since I won't have to sneak in writing at work or wait until after work/weekends to write stuff up.

I'm really happy because I was at a place where I either needed to quit this job, or work something out regarding hours. A promotional opportunity came up (so more money!) that fit the hours I need, so it's great. I'll also be able to really throw myself into volunteering when I'm not working or at school. A lot of people tend to volunteer on weekends, so places that depend on volunteers tend to really suffer during the week. I'm glad that I'll be able to find someplace to help with that.

Your Fifty Shades of Grey coverage will commence...

Next week.

I haven't been covering Fifty Shades Darker yet, but I swear, I haven't been reading anything else, either. And not for lack of trying. I downloaded about five books two weeks ago, including two zombie books, and just haven't gotten to them yet because we've been passing this virus around since we got back from North Carolina. Apparently pneumonia is going around California, too (which I assume means that three people have it because everything in California is A Thing That Must Be Reported On when it happens to more than one person), so we're just trying to take it easy. I mean, really easy. My house is a total mess. You'd think I had zombies invading the house, but no, it's just two adults who should Know Better but who have no energy to care about cleaning right now. Or reading.

So, this weekend in addition to unearthing the kitchen counters, where everything in the house is going to die (we have a bow and arrow set on the table for some reason...I think Queen Eleanore is pulling her hair out somewhere because of that), I will be taking notes for at least the first ten chapters of Fifty Shades Darker.

Also, this time, I'm going to do something a little different. Since I keep complaining that Ana and Christian have no actual "relationship" to speak of, I'm making a list of Things Ana and Christian Could Be Doing Instead Of Having Sex Now and will post one everytime they have sex in the book. The point of the list is that if they were to do those things, it would open a line of communication about themselves and help them to get to know each other better.

When I was younger, my mom always used to tell me that you need to wait to have sex with someone, not because sex was Such A Big Thing OMG (thought I'm sure she thought so), but because once you start having it, your relationship sort of start revolving around it. The longer you wait, the more you know the other person, and the more you can balance out the sex and the talking and bonding. Now, this was good advice for a young girl because until you have relationships, you don't understand how to balance them, and the only way you get to know those things is by having relationships. At my age now, and my experience, I'm pretty sure I could have sex with a guy BEFORE the first date and be able to handle and balance it all, but when I was younger? I had no way to handle that stuff. I would be the Jerk who left her girlfriends behind to hang out with a guy. My girlfriends would do the same to me. It just happens, and the only way to keep it from happening is to have more relationships.

The problem with Christian and Ana is that neither of them has had a relationship before. Ana was a physical virgin, and Christian is an emotional one. You  can see their immaturity (and by extension, the author's immaturity? Maybe?) in the way they no longer interact with anyone else. I read a book that I should review here someday, a book I really enjoyed called Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie that deals with everyone getting into relationships, but yet still having their girls/guys nights out once a week and basically keeping in touch with each other. The main character is also overweight and never goes through a Weight Loss Transformation That Will Suddenly Make Her Desirable, which I really appreciated. Anyway, people still had relationships, people still interacted with each other, and no one just stopped being a friend or disappeared on their friends because they were in a relationship now. I think that it more accurately represents how most people are once they get involved, and how it really can happen that way, and more importantly, how very, very important it is to keep your same sex friends with you. For Kate and Ana being "best friends," they hardly talk. And when they do, Kate is insufferable.

Anyway, I'll save it for the book...I know I keep ranting about the same stuff over and over, but that's because the author keeps doing the same stuff over and over.

So...you ended up on an STFU blog...

One of my friends is really into STFU Parents, and is often either commenting on their posts, or reposting to her Facebook page. I like this woman, she and I have similar senses of humor, and neither of us takes ourselves or anything else too seriously, so it's no wonder to me that I found myself enjoying STFU Parents.

There are other STFU blogs, too, for couples and religious people and a few others that I've found. None of them have the same sense of irony and ability to point out exactly what is ridiculous about a particular mommyjacking or comment as the writer of STFUP, though, so I always end up back there.

The thing is, I like kids. I may not want them myself, but I like them. I like my friend's kids and I'm excited for the half of my FB friends who are currently expecting/in the throes of new parenthood, etc. (Seriously, half of my friends decided to start breeding around the same exact time. It's really weird.)

So far, none of my friends have mommyjacked me or tried to explain how much different my life will be when I have kids (because I will have them, yanno. The power of Christ compels me or something.), so I'm happy with the parents I now have hanging around.

My friends are my friends for a reason. I like them. We have stuff in common. We enjoy each other. But I can't deny that some of my peeps take themselves too seriously. And I think when you go too serious, then that's when you start doing stuff that winds you up on an STFU blog.

Now, the couple's blog is really simple. If you consistently post about a person for three weeks, making them the center of your universe and then suddenly break up with them very publicly and go all sad panda for another three weeks before you hook up with someone else and start the cycle again, you will end up on STFU Couples. If you have conversations with your significant other on Facebook that you could easily be having on the privacy of your text messages, then you will end up on STFU Couples.

STFU Parents, though, is a different kettle of fish.

Are you bereating people for not showing up to your kid's first birthday that you rented a hall for? You belong on STFUP.

Are you going to barricade your door against visitors for the first six months of your child's life and you decide that the best way to send this information to those people is a Facebook post? STFUP.

Did someone make a loud noise during your child's nap time and you felt the best way to deal with it was to post a passive-aggressive note about it on your Facebook page? STFUP.

The people on STFUP have stopped being individuals and have wrapped their identity up in their children's identity. These are the people who think that their situation automatically makes them more special than anyone else. They are the people who think their kid's sore throat is more important than some guy's broken limb at an emergency room and will actually say something about it out loud where other people can hear them because they honestly believe that their kid is the most important thing in the universe ever. Who does the guy with the broken arm think he is, anyway?

I think that the people who get featured on STFUP can be summed up in the Gollum post. You have a perfectly normal person with a good sense of humor equating her child's looks to that of Gollum from LOTR. Does the parent really look at her child as a warped Hobbit who was corrupted by the power of the One Ring? Of course not! But come on, that's funny. Most people can laugh at that. But not the last commenter, Chelsea. She can't. I mean, the baby is beautiful! How dare you talk that way about your precious? (See what I did there?)

That is what STFUP is about. It's about that person who just can't let go for a second and say, "Yeah, that's funny I don't care who y'are."

There are many different types of posts on STFUP, but it all comes down to that humorless person who considers their child to be the most important part of their life and can't imagine why no one else feels that way.

Blaming women for everything

I find it more surreal than anything that Kristin Stewart had an affair with a married man. I also want to make it more than clear that I don't think she was blameless, and I think she's an idiot and that she tries too hard to be fresh, interesting, random, and intelligent. She's wanted to be mature for so long, but I think this affair just proves she's a stupid twenty two-year-old girl with a lot to learn.

But the focus that's being put on her for this affair, calling her the "second most notorious husband stealer in Hollywood" and just basically the belief that if she hadn't been willing, Rupert Sanders would have just gone home to his wife and lived the rest of his life in ignorance of what a dumb girl is like on the inside just makes me think of how unfair everything is to women.

This guy was going to cheat. He found Kristin Stewart. I have no idea if he had to look particularly hard to find her, or if he had been put off by other women before her first, I got nothing. I do know that no one really cares about him. I mean, he wasn't the one who "broke" Robert Pattinson's heart, was he? No, that was Kristin. He wasn't the one who betrayed the woman who protrayed his mother in a movie, was he? No, that was Kristin too. At least, that's what we've been taught.

Brad Pitt would have stayed with Jennifer Anniston indefinitely if Angelina hadn't come along. Eddie Fisher would have stayed with Debbie Reynolds indefinitely if Elizabeth Taylor hadn't come along. Rupert Sanders would have stayed with his wife if Kristin Stewart hadn't come along.

Men have no free will, right? It's not like any of those guys were capable of saying no. They didn't betray their wives. Their wives were betrayed by another woman. The guy is incidental.

You know, you hear women who have affairs talking about their lover's wives, and it's always, "Oh, she doesn't understand him! She's such a shrew! She's so horrible! She expects him to take out the garbage and play with the kids, like, every night or something! I mean, he's only one man." And then there's the women being cheated on saying, "Oh, she's so horrible for doing this to me. How would she feel if someone was sleeping with her husband?"

You see a twenty two-year-old man out with a cougar and you think, "Oh, he just wants sex." You see a girl of the same age out with a married man and you think, "Homewrecker." Why do men get this pass? Why aren't they held responsible? And why can't a woman just want to have sex?

I love this picture. People have been analyzing the look on Kristin's face, as though she emotes in any way. She looks awkward, but then she always does. There's no denying, though, that she's staring at Liberty. Her smile is forced whereas Charlize is practically giggling. It's a painful picture to look at, and it's easy to try and imagine what's going on in Kristin's head. You know. If anything.

I wonder if this will hurt Kristin's career. I wonder if it will hurt Rupert. I wonder if it will hurt Liberty. Mostly, I wonder when people will stop blaming the idiot child and start looking at the guy who is old enough to know better. I'm not excusing Kristin, but it takes two to tango. It's time to acknowledge this.

Chapter by Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades of Grey: CH 24-THE END

Aw yeah! 85% done my peeps! I'm going to try and power through to the end here, so sorry in advance if this post ends up being eighty thousand words long.

Incidentally, I turned on my Kindle thinking that I had Fifty open only to discover that it was North and South instead which confused me because I didn't remember there being a Mr. Thornton in Fifty...so there you go. I can be dumb too, it's not just Ana.

Also, Emma Watson is apparently in talks to play Ana Steele in the Fifty movie, so if you had any lingering respect for Little Hermione Grainger, I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but then she did drop out of Brown U. Still, I didn't think she'd start slipping down the Lohan ramp so soon.

Oh Emma...how could you?

Onto the book

Chapter Twenty Four

Ana is dreaming. We know she's dreaming because Christian is in a cage. If it were real, Ana would be in the cage. He tells her to eat and "his tongue caress[es] the front of his palate as he enunciates the t."

I'll give you a minute to stop grimacing.

Okay, Christian wakes Ana up because he wants to chase the dawn with her.

Better than Chasing the Dragon, know what I mean?
(I don't know what I mean.)

Then, this happens: Ana is all reluctant to wake up because she's not an early riser, which I sympathize with. She realizes he's dressed (in black in case you were wondering) and she says, "I thought you wanted sex, yo," and he's all, "I always do, yo." Then Ana says this:

I gaze at him as my eyes adjust to the light, but he still looks amused...thank heavens.

Okay...why wouldn't he still look amused? Why would Ana think he was angry with her? Or, I don't know, whatever it is Ana would think he is? He is waking her up. If anyone has a right to be pissed, it's her. The time is apparently 5:30 AM, which in my family is usually titled "O-dark-thirty." It's early. Painfully early. And they were up late the night before. When I say that this relationship is unhealthy, this is what I mean. Ana has no boundaries and she's constantly in fear of Christian being angry because, mostly, he is.

So Christian tries to force Ana to eat, but it's too early for her. She finally explains that her stomach has to wake up too, so I guess this is progress. At 85% of the book being done, progress is finally made in the "communication" area of this relationship.

Christian takes Ana out in a convertible and they have some conversation about classical music before Ana finds Britney Spears on Christian's ipod, and he tells her that an ex-sub called Leila put it on there. Ana wants to know why they finished and Christian says it's because she wanted more. Or maybe she didn't ease his foolish pride. Who knows?

Anyway, he says he never wanted more until he met Ana, which is sweet I guess.

I'll admit it: When Grissom told Sara he'd only been interested in beauty since he met her, I melted a little.

They start discussing the other long-term girls, and Ana says something about not wanting kids for several more years which makes Christian make a face and she realizes that he doesn't want them ever. I guess Ana's too young to have "deal breakers" in her relationships, but this is a deal breaker for a lot of people. But of course it's not discussed because why would it be? It's not like this is an important piece of information for Ana to know from a guy she sees herself with in five years.

We meet up with Taylor at the airfield, and Taylor says that Christian has been "hell on wheels" all week without Ana.

Okay, Christian's arrangement with Ana is that they see each other on weekends only. Why does he care what she does on during the week? The author can't set up this nonlationship like this and then have her characters react this way! It's really poor writing, and it's unfair to the readers. It gives us literary whiplash. You have to choose a point and stick with it, making small adjustments over time until you get a character to turn 180 degrees. This author spends so much time on birch veneer coffee house tables, Taylor's green eyes, the fact that there are indeed blondes in the Seattle area working in offices (shocker!), how beautiful Kate is, what The Red Room of Pain looks like, what hotel rooms look like, the British accent on the guy at the airfield, Ana's mom's eight hundred  husbands, and all sorts of things that just. don't. matter, but we get nothing when it comes to the actual relationship between Ana and Christian.

Why do these two people like each other? They've never had a conversation or shared interests. We're only now learning what Christian's favorite movie is, and that he doesn't want kids. They have no common interests other than kinky sex that we know of yet, but we're supposed to believe in and support this relationship and think that they have such a strong bond when they've barely known each other for over a week.

For perspective: Pride and Prejudice takes place in the time span of two years. Emma is likewise about a year and a half look into the life of Emma Woodhouse. I'm not done with North and South yet, but so far two years have passed. I don't know how many years are taken up with Jane Eyre, but it's more than the others combined. There is no doubt in the reader's mind about why Emma and Mr. Knightly get along. Those books are as long as Fifty Shades, and yet you know more about freaking Lydia Bennet than you do about Anastasia Steele.

"Then I said to myself, 'Self, if you marry Wickham, then Papa will have to love you more than he loves Lizzie.' It was a genius plan."

So they're at an air field with a guy who has a British accent (is it a Northern accent?) and they're going to go gliding.

Little known fact: this romance novelist, Barbara Cartland, invented a specific Gliding Plane that was used during the Normandy invasion in WWII because she loved gliding so much, which renders her one of the most awesome romance novelists ever.

You dream of being this fabulous.

So, Ana has to put on a parachute which Christian of course straps her into. I was surprised that he trusted someone else to pack her parachute. Aren't you always supposed to pack your own? My army brother says yes.

So, a plane tows them into the air, and then it releases them, and Christian will use thermal wind changes to keep the plane aloft as it "glides" in a controlled crash to earth. It's basically like hangliding, but with a plane. Oddly, it's more secure. Go figure.

Ana loves it, and Christian does too.

They end up at IHOP where, of course, the waitress trips all over herself because of Christian. This is beyond old.

Rootie Tootie Fresh n' Fruity Breakfast coming right up!

We're still in the same chapter (!) and now Ana is back at home, and Christian is coming over for a nice family dinner. Ana gets a call from SIP, the publishing house she wanted to get a job from, and finds out that she got the job. I'm assuming that SIP stands for Seattle Independent Publishing or something similar. It's never actually stated.

So, it turns out that Christian has to cancel dinner because something suddenly came up.

The chapter ends eight pages later, and those pages are taken up with them e-mailing each other about how Ana talks in her sleep.

But now we're 91% of the way through!



Chapter Twenty Five

Ana's mom takes her to the airport and tells her to embrace life and remember how young she is and how much life she has ahead of her. When someone tells you how young you are, do you ever feel like saying, "Yeah, and you're so old!" back at them? I do. Anyway, Ana tries not to cry and gets on her plane. Something tells me she won't have Georgia on her mind.

Christian is of course what she's thinking of, but she starts wondering if he's capable of love. Because she wants to be loved. A lot.

Taylor meets Ana at the airport, and his eyes have turned brown somehow. The only reason I know this is because I made such a big deal about it in an earlier synopsis, so the change is grating. Are his eyes hazel? Do they change? What am I to make of this?

At Christian's apartment, he whisks Ana into the shower, and he's supposedly tense and upset about something that Ana doesn't know about, and she calls him a Greek god.

I'm pretty good with mythology, but I don't remember a Greek god being a redhead. Now, Thor on the other hand in the Teutonic pantheon, was a redhead. His mom was a Jotun giantess and his dad was Odin...he was supposed to have gotten his hair from his mom. I'm trying to remember what Poseidon was supposed to look like, but I think he was dark haired...

Donnerstag, or Thursday, is of course, "Thor's Day." The more you know!

Anyway, I'm sure it's supposed to be his body, but please don't try and pass some pasty Anglo-Saxon off as a Mediterranean hunk! This author wants me to think she's smart and witty, and she puts in passages from all sorts of classic novels, but she just can't try to go the extra mile and impress us with her vast knowledge of pantheons...if you're going to do something, do it all the way, is what I'm saying.

So, they have sex.

Oh look! An adorbs Elf Owl (one of the smallest species of owl and the smallest in North America) has taken up residency in a cactus! How cute! And practical, too.

After, Ana invites him to Jose's art show, and then he tells her that he's arranged "her" room for her and bought her clothes and stuff. Then he wants her in The Red Room.

I want to point out that they've had sex twice already.

In the room, Christian ties Ana to the bed and blindfolds her and puts earbuds in her ears. He elaborately flogs her in time to Spem in Alium, because knowing the name of the song is very important to us the reader, who cannot hear it. Again, if you can't have awesome characters, you can at least have an awesome playlist.

Chapter Twenty Six

We're 96% done! Woot!


Ana wakes up, and Christian is once again moping over his piano.

Ai putz mah emush--immos--feelins in mah playin kthx.

Ana wants to talk, Christian wants to screw. Who will win? Golly gosh, I'm on the edge of my seat!

Okay, so they do talk. Ana wants to know what happened with the contract, and Christian actually says the contract is moot. He expects Ana to follow the rules, especially in The Room, but he's willing to try for more. Ana can't remember the rules exactly, so Christian fetches a copy, and we are treated to them in all their glory for the fourth time.

Who needs three-dimensional characters when you can have three-dimensional rules lists?

Ana rolls her eyes at Christian, and then they run around the room. Christian for the second time says, "Life, the universe..." and leaves it hanging.

Okay, the first time he did it, I let it slide. But this is getting ridiculous. I don't care how clever and witty you are, Author. You are writing a book with your own words. Make up your own iconic phrases. Your inability to do so is only highlighted by your insistence of standing on the shoulders of other, better, iconic, time-tested and tried authors who actually brought new and interesting pieces of art into the world of literature. You are not Douglas Adams. The only room that you and Douglas Adams will ever be in together is the Library of Congress.

E. L. James, for crimes against literature, you are sentenced to remain in a room and listen to Vogon poetry for all eternity. And you will never have a proper cup of tea again. Ever.

Christian figures out that Ana doesn't want him to catch her. Why? Because she doesn't want to be punished. This is an odd concept for Christian. It ranks up there with Free Will and the enduring popularity of Beanie Babies. Ana wants to know why he wants to punish her, and he says he won't tell her. Not he "can't" tell, but that he "won't" tell.

This is very telling.

Ana finally tells him to do his worst. To punish her as hard as he can so that she knows what it's like. Personally, I think this is a bad idea, but we're at 98%, so don't let me hold this dog and pony show up.

Ana has to count six blows, and by the sixth she's in agony. She pushes Christian away and tells him that he has issues--which he's already admitted to--and says that he needs to sort his shit out. Then she goes to the room that's hers and cries.

Christian comes and holds her after a time and they talk. Ana says that she can never be this thing for him, this being that he seems to need, this creature that he has to punish to make himself feel good. She says that she's in love with him, and he says that it's a bad idea to love him. Finally! Someone says something intelligent!

Ana gives back all the stuff Christian's given her, and they argue about it, but in the end, what can he do? You really can't force someone to do what you don't want them to, not deep down. Ana wants the money for her Beetle.

Ana goes home and cries on her bed. The book ends.

If this were a book about a virgin exploring a sensual world of desire, I would wonder what would happen in the next book. Maybe she'd meet someone who was too soft after meeting this guy who's too hard, and then the third book would be her meeting a guy who's just right. But as the Smart Bitches say, in romance novels, the guy who gives a girl her first orgasm, whether he rapes her or kidnaps her or beats her to a pulp, is hte guy who ends up with her. Nothing ever changes in the romance world. Men are whores until they meet that One Special Woman, and women are virgins who can only give themselves to the Rakehell Who Deflowered Them.

Well, I hope it was as good for you as it was for me. I'll be picking up with the next book soon.

Laters, baby.

Being beaten, physically and metaphorically

I remember when Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ came out. I mean, it's not like it was all that long ago, but still, it was a huge thing. My best friend's dad is a pastor, so he somehow managed to get several free tickets (I think at the time, churches were selling out theaters so that "The World" would understand how much Christians want movies with family values in them. You know. Like abuse and human sacrifice. The important stuff.) and they wanted me to come.

My upbringing in Christianity was very odd and sheltered, and while it never reached Quiverful levels, there was a lot of "My brother's uncle's cousin's sister-in-law said that Proctor and Gamble are Satanists, so we can't buy [Product] any more!" going on. Like, I wasn't allowed to watch The Smurfs or play with Troll Dolls because these things were Satanic and could possess me with their powers. I was allowed to have Cabbage Patch Kids, though. Go figure. Anyway, because of that upbringing, I tend to be really unaware of Christian trends in my adult life because I didn't enjoy living like that as a kid and I don't want to continue. The fact that I was aware of The Passion was mostly because of mainstream media.

According to The World, The Passion was a ludicrously self-indulgent flick made to stroke Mel Gibson's ego and loudly proclaim to the world at large, "I believe!"

According to the Christian press, The Passion was a cinematic masterpiece underlying the important beliefs of Christians and once and for all bringing Jesus's struggles to life so that we may love Him and serve Him better.

According to The World, The Passion is torture porn on par with the Saw franchise.

According to the Christian press, The Passion makes Christ accessible to everyone.

My issues with The Passion started with Jim Caviezel playing Jesus when Oded Fehr clearly existed and could have done a great job. But then again, how many actors really want to portray Christ in a clearly evangelical movie? Then I found out it was in Arameic, which is the dumbest thing ever since Jesus would have spoken Ancient Hebrew, and then I found out that they digitally changed Caviezel's eyes to brown instead of just having him wear contact lenses.

Or, you know, hiring an actor who is either black, mixed race or Middle Eastern?




SRSLY

 I didn't want to see The Passion. I was embarrassed by it and what it represented. I hated how The World saw right through everything Christians were trying to do to promote the movie and I hated the Christians for subjecting my kind to that sort of scrutiny. I hated Mel Gibson and Jim Caviezel and anyone else associated with the movie. I hated people who told me my reluctance about the movie was just The World putting doubt in my mind.

I hated myself for agreeing to see it because my friend wanted me to go and I'd rather be with a friend than alone so it was worth it to me.

I spent a good deal of the movie's end with my head in my friend's lap. The violence was horrendous. I mean, it was epically awful, and as someone who was abused as a child, it was a little too close to home. Here was Jesus, a really good, seemingly fun guy, being beaten and crucified by his Father.

And then the worst part. The very worst part. The end.

There was no resurrection. No hope. Jesus died and then he was in the ground, and that was it.

He didn't return in Glory to reveal himself to the women and then to the men.

It just...ended.

But still, I breathed a sigh of relief because it was over and I had done my Christian duty to promote a movie I didn't care one whit about, but without any money out of my pocket, so that was okay. It was over, and I could get on with the rest of my life.

Or so I thought.

Then the movie came out on DVD.

I was moonlighting at a Christian corporation at the time and was around more believers than I usually am because of that. Every one of them was excited about The Passion available for home viewing. Not only could they worship the movie and Mel Gibson in their own homes (conveniently without needing to actually read their Bibles, because the movie was directly taken from The Bible, right? Just like The Ten Commandments, right?), but they could worship in their friend's houses, and thier churches would also be hosting huge viewings of the DVD!

I did my best to smile and nod, but I realized too late that my relatinship with The Passion was just beginning, and it was going to stalk me harder than Edward Cullen ever stalked Bella Swan.

There was a girl at Christian Corporation. I don't think she was quite Quiverful, either, but she was totally wandering around in long jean skirts (thought she wore pants too) and vests and stuff. She and her family did weird stuff like picketing Disneyland (????) and other corporations, and she seemed to be in church all the time. She would talk about her protesting (like, writing letters to Vons to try and keep them from carrying Maxim Magazine and that sort of thing, or writing to People because their Bikini Issue was distasteful, I guess) a lot. It was sort of a badge of honor for her. Some people brag about volunteering at the animal shelter, she had this.

Anyway, she brought up the DVD while my group was out at lunch one day. Everyone present was going on about how The Passion changed their life and made them appreciate Jesus more. I was quietly wondering if my upbringing made The Passion redundant in my life, since I never had any trouble visualizing the Torture of the Christ on my own, or maybe I'm just that way. I prefer reading because I always get a better picture in my head than movies or TV ever give me, so it could be. Fundie Girl started grilling me about whether I was going to buy the DVD or not. I was surprised because I figured if I just kept quiet, everyone would assume that I would. I was wrong and that annoyed. me.

"No, I'm not. But it's great that you are."

A few of the ladies talked about how their pastor was going to try and buy out the Wal Mart near them or something, and it made me think of the ticket buying campaign that churches tried to initiate so that the opening weekend would be a record breaker. I must have grimaced, and Fundie Girl must have seen me.

"Why aren't you going to buy it?" she asked, accusatory.

I sighed. I hated bringing this up. "Well, there was a lot of violence in my life when I was growing up, and the movie just really bothered me with how violent it was," I finally said. "I just have a hard time watching that. Like a soldier with PTSD or something. It's really similar."

I felt bare, naked. I felt like a scab had just been ripped off. This was (and still is) information that I only share with people who are close to me.

One of the ladies gave me a smile and sort of patted my arm. I don't know if she saw how embarrassed I was or not, but she at least was supportive. Another lady said, "I understand how you would feel that way. I mean, I've never been through that, but I could see how this would bother you."

Fundie girl and another lady weren't having it. The violence was what Jesus really went through! So that makes it okay! Besides, "You need to buy the movie," Fundie Girl said. "You're a Christian, and you need to show The World that you stand for Christian movies."

And there it was. I had to pay my Christian Dues. It's like being a part of a union, only way more corrupt.

The other ladies tried to admonish Fundie Girl by explaining to her that I had legitimate reasons for not watching the movie. Finally, after asking if I'd even watched the movie in the first place, Fundie Girl said, "Do you know what I'm going to do when The Passion comes out on DVD? I'm going to put it in and watch it ten times in a row!"

I smiled. "That's great," I said. "You do that."

I hated that day. Her smug superiority. The way she felt she put me in my place while completely missing the point, the larger picture. The humanity that I was expressing. The vulnerability in my pain and the compassion in the other ladies that took us closer to Jesus than all of her picketing and pearl clutching could ever do.

My friend's dad, the pastor, says that he hates "Jesus Junk" that Christian stores sell. Testamints and snow globe crucifixes. Dashboard bobblehead Jesuses and erasers shaped like crosses. He didn't buy the DVD of The Passion either.