Thursday, January 31, 2013

Fifty Shades of Dramatic Readings

In case you didn't know, the inimitable and beloved George Takei (Sulu from Start Trek TOS) did a dramatic reading of Fifty Shades since so many of us requested him to do so through Facebook and his blog.

Here it is:

It's awesome because so many people imagine his voice when Ana says "Oh my," and let's face it: you do what you have to with this ridiculous book.

And how adorable is George's husband Brad when he's all, "Do you need the antacids?" I laughed out loud, for sure.

Then this morning, I was teasing my friend who gets really embarrassed about sex for some reason over a funny video of Misha Collins reenacting that scene from When Harry Met Sally (with an assist from Jensen Ackles, because why not?) and I found a video of Richard Speight Jr who plays Gabriel/Loki on Supernatural doing a dramatic reading of Fifty Shades.

It's great because Matt Cohen acts out the scenes (when Richard tells him to "Roll the shit out of [his] hips," I go from being mildly attracted to him to full on wanting to have his babies...seriously, Richard, CALL ME), but what really gets me with both readings is you realize just how horrid the books are when you hear them aloud.

And the thing is, when Gilbert Gottfried read it, it was funny because it was his voice and it was creepy when it was his voice, but Richard up there...I appreciated the low growl and all (nothing in my body clenched, however...hmmm...), but there is just nothing sexy about these books. They are tawdry and stupid, but sexy? No.

So, enjoy.


  1. "I was teasing my friend who gets really embarrassed about sex for some reason..." HEY NOW

    I blame my sex-shame on my conservative upbringing. Church (and a lot of it), reading the Bible chapter-by-chapter, The Talk being these words: "don't do it"--that kind of thing. (Which, I must say, isn't entirely bad. Loads better than where I'd likely have ended up if my family WASN'T so stern.) So, sex is one of those topics of non-discussion, or was for my entire life until I got engaged. Then it turned into a free-for-all for everyone--my dad, mom, aunts and uncles, EVERYONE (except my dad's parents). My own parents, those bastions of preserving my innocence, seem to derive a sadistic glee in making me blush, now.

    It's all really rather frustrating, because now I CAN do/say/joke about sexual things (and it be no big deal, but I'm too embarrassed to do it. We don't have any serious or frank discussions, but humor isn't off-limits, so why can't I chime in?! Any time I do voice something, it usually gets such gales of laughter as to embarrass me *that* way, instead. Oy.

    Honestly, I wish I could get over it. It's annoying, at times. I've known a string of men whose greatest entertainment was to say things that would make me practically glow. After a while, you'd think you'd get over it...but I'm almost thirty-five, and no end in sight. (I imagine I'll be wrinkled and gray and still turning beet-red at some comment, even as I cackle in old-lady glee.)

    About your post, though. Gilbert Gottfried's reading gave me chills, in all the shuddering ways no one likes. Urg. Takei's was great. XD (I was too busy laughing at Speight/Cohen to make a real judgement. That was hysterical.)

    (That said, I have another reading for you (though not by a crazy-hot man, sorry):

    Fifty Shades is good only for what these people are doing: getting a laugh out of it.

  2. You really shouldn't miss Ellen Degeneres' version:

  3. Does this mean that I have to actually READ the sequels now? I was enjoying your rendition much more than I did the book! Although my curiosity is somewhat satisfied. He said he loves her. All this time I was wondering what his problem was. I guess he's just a freak...

  4. Come back! Come back!! I just discovered you a couple weeks ago, and you are my hugely hilarious favorite blogger. I started reading your "50 shades" commentary and enjoyed your style so much I read pretty much everything else you blogged about. When I read the January 31st, 2013 post and realized it was the last, I cried "NO!" outloud, waking both my husband and our cats.

    So now, instead of reading your blog late at night, I lay awake and wonder where you are. Did you love your new job so much you decided to work round-the-clock shifts, giving up school and sleep and blogging to work every hour of every day? Did you finish school and take your expertise to a land so remote you don't have access to the interwebs?

    Or maybe you filled in for your so-called best friend's school assignment and interviewed an inexplicably hot billionaire who turned you into his sub, and maybe your "love" for him transformed you from an amazing-yet-relatable comedic wit to a dullard too mindless to write, and probably he's a total asshat who wouldn't let you blog anyway.


    But please come back. You are a fabulously unique voice in my choir of mundane food and parenting blogs.