Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Chapter By Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter Seven

Hey, everyone. I know I haven't been around a lot. Some of you took me off of your "feed" or whatever. Some of you are probably seeing me again and like, "Meh. I lost interest."

Yeah, whatevs. I'm seeing this to the bitter end! And bitter it is.

Anyway, huge crapload of excuses are back here, but mostly, I just finished my semester of college, got on vacation, and didn't feel like writing. I mean, do I have to?

Yes, I probably have to.

But you aren't here to listen to me talk about being in college as a thirty-something, as the title of my blog would imply. No, you are here for Fifty Shades of Idiocy. Let us slog on.

When last we were with Christian and Ana, lo those many months ago, they were at a charity ball following a huge, complicated day full of ex submissives, hair cuts, ex dommes, fighting, sex, make-up sex, and blatant foreshadowing about said ex submissive.

Yes, that all happened in one day.

Now they are at the ball, and Ana just bid all of her car money for a weekend at Christian's place in Aspen. That sound you hear is John Denver rolling in his grave.

"I dream of my home Starwood in, don't go there!"


Now Ana is freaking out because naturally, Christian is going to be pissed. How dare she give her own money to charity! That little bitch! Christian says, "I don't know whether to worship at your feet or spank the living shit out of you."

Yes, this is a man who has charity at his heart. This guy is a keeper.

Ana's like, "Spank me, yo."

Freakin doormat.

This is what I imagine Ana looks like.

She starts fondling him under the table. I need to find that list I made of what they should be doing instead of having sex, because I have a feeling I'm going to need it soon. Why? Because "Everything south of my navel contracts. This is becoming unbearable."

Oh, Ana. Truer words were never spoken. Only, I need to make one small correction. It's been unbearable since the beginning.

Mia cockblocks the couple (oh, thank GOD that girl is good for something!), and she pulls Ana over to be the person to auction off men for a charity dance. Christian's all, "We won't be dancing, though." Ew.

Now we get to remember that Ana is making Christian into something that no one has ever seen before, because she leans down and kisses him, making just absolutely everyone at the table gape at her and him. They've never seen him with a date before, see, so this is just ca-razy!

Oh, wait, the girls are being auctioned off. Ten bucks says that Ana will fetch a higher price than any other woman there, and not just because Christian is bidding for her. Because she'll be the one all the men want. Just wait.

Okay, in the last chapter (or maybe the one before that), Christian bought Ana some Cartier diamond earrings. Those things had to have been tens of thousands of dollars, but Ana had no qualm about accepting them. Accepting money for her car, however, was a note of contention. And now she's feeling guilty that Christian will be spending money on her to dance with her. It's for charity, but that doesn't matter to her.

Seriously, I know I keep saying that it doesn't make sense, but everytime I think I've gotten comfortable with the levels of nonsense going on, the author just pulls me down another rabbit hole. This doesn't make sense!

We find out from Mia that Christian used to get into fights when he was younger. This somehow astounds Ana. I keep saying she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but jeez louise here, people. Oh, duh, I wonder what Christian used to do for fun when he was a kid? The same thing he does for fun now, of course! Beat the crap out of people! Good God, y'all.

Oh, I see. Since he likes Tudor choral music, he can't be a brawler.

I just want to point out that Anthony Hopkins beat a man to death (after biting him) while listening to J. S. Bach and then skinned another man's face off so he could disguise himself, while listening to the same Goldberg Variation.

And he enjoyed himself while doing so.

Christian is now watching Ana like a hawk. Again, thank goodness we know the difference between that and a handsaw by this point.

Now Mia discloses that around the time Mrs. Robinson took Christian in to be her sub, he stopped getting into so many fights. Oh dear. So the author understands these things are connected too.

This is what I find so troubling: The author knows Christian is a terrible person. She just doesn't care. I'd think this was all some social experiment to see if women really forgive handsome men for doing anything to them, but it's been too long since the books released, and she hasn't confessed yet. I think she's serious about this. That's the scariest part. She really thinks Christian is all that.

The "And a bag of Doritos" is silent.

It's Ana's turn to be bid on, and Christian offers ten thousand bucks. Some other guy counters with fifteen. Oh please. Of course he's some friend of Christian's, helping Christian out.

This is the thing here: this is a charity auction, so it's really awesome that Christian and whoever want to up the bidding amount and really get a lot of money for the charity, these guys are making it about themselves. You can actually donate as much as you like anonymously to these causes. You don't have to put on some huge show so that everyone in the world can see you humping your girlfriend's leg. These are the people who propose on that huge TV at sporting events. They're the ones that make out in public. They're the ones that ignore everyone around them in favor of each other because no one in the world is nearly as interesting or important as they are. They are class A assholes, and they think that they're awesome.

Christian "buys" Ana for a cool hundred grand.

Ana's all, "Who was that masked man?" only the author doesn't take the time to write that out, much to the detriment of the book. I mean, come on! You're at a masked ball! It's the one time you can say something like that! Anyway, Christian's fine introducing the guy to Ana, but first he's going to have sex with her. As you do at a ball.

Christian takes Ana into his childhood bedroom to do what every teenaged boy has ever dreamed: Have sex with a girl. Except, he's nearing thirty and he admits he's never had a girl in his room. Ana reacts like this is a good thing. I mean, I was an overweight, awkward kid with glasses and bucked teeth, but I still managed to get a boy in my room. I mean, I was a senior in high school, but I managed it!

Anyway, we are a-go for masked sex during a charity ball at Christian's parents' house with people milling around all over the place, so that means they're having sex in a way that would not be normal for a normal couple. Maybe doubly so because he brings up how she bid on his charity package which was just such a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad thing for her to do. Or at least it is in whatever alternate reality these people exist in.

So, what could they be doing instead of having sex? The thing is, they're at a charity auction. It's not like they should be eating dinner or in the middle of a movie, they're actually in a place where they should be doing something good for...uh...*reareads* kids who are addicted to drugs. Right-o, that's what they're there for. See, it's been so freaking long since she started all of this that I've forgotten what's going on! This is not how you write a book!

So, anyway, since this is a charity that *foreshadowing* is near and dear to the Grey household, particularly the Eltern Grauen, I propose that they do something to actually benefit those that are impacted by drug abuse. This could be as simple as helping to sponsor a meeting place for the local chapter of Narcotics Anonymous. Or, you know, this is a really crazy idea, but they could get the heck back down to the party, talk to people, encourage them to give, and keep their minds on what's going on around them.

As they get dressed, Ana notices a small black and white photo on the bulletin board. It's of a woman who looks familiar to Ana (dun-dun-dunnnnn), but Ana can't place her. Who is it? Oh, no one of consequence.

Come on. I mean, really. Who is it? Duh, Christian's birth mother, maybe? Jeez.

They dance together (this is still the same day, remember?), and finally, Ana gets to meet themasked man. It's Christian's psychiatrist. He's British. Well, thank goodness we have that descriptor. I mean, the author can't give anyone a personality, but she can give him an accent.

They talk nonsense, and when Christian gets her back, she's all, "Oh, he told me everything." This panicks Christian because that's a normal reaction. Ana tells him she's just kidding, and he visibly relaxes. Oh yes. I hope I can meet a man like this some day. That would be so very nice. Oh my.

Ana remembers that she left her purse at her table, and she goes back to get it....

.....and runs into Mrs. Robinson.

Yes, this is still the same day!

Mrs. Robinson says that Christian is in love with Ana and Ana's all, "Bwuah? Really?" I'd go for "Same Shit, Different Day" here, but it's the same fucking day! The same day! 25% of this book is all spent on one stupid, never ending day! It's the day that never ends. It just goes on and on, my friends. Some people started living it not knowing what it was, and now they'll be living it forever just because...

Mrs. Robinson gives Ana the "You hurt him, I'll kill you" speech. Ana finds this deliciously ironic. No, not because he hurts her, but because Mrs. Robinson molested him when he was a teenager. Mrs. Robinson brings up last Saturday (yes, it's only been a week since they broke up and got back together), and Ana feels bad.

Do we have to go over this again, too?

Ana's like, "If I ever leave him again, you come and talk to me. I'll give you a piece of me then."

Both women are staring off here. Ana leaves and Christian sees her. He finds the irony in the situation, but Ana still doesn't. Christian offers to talk to the lady, but Ana's all, "No way, Jose...remember him?"

Ana goes into the bathroom, but when she comes out, Christian is on the phone, obviously with Mrs. Robinson. Ana doesn't get all possessive (that's Christian's job...), but she is a little upset. They decide to stay and watch some fireworks.

Since this is still the same day, Christian's dad asks Ana to dance with him. Ana uses the time to interrogate the poor man and we learn that Christian didn't speak for about two years after he was adopted. Grey Senior acts like Ana's going to marry Christian, and let's face it; it's a foregone conclusion. I mean, that's how this thing is going to end, right? Married, happy, 2.5 children?

Oh my gosh, it's still the same day and the same chapter. Now Christian and Ana are strolling around the grounds until they feel at home. Here's to you.

The fireworks finally start, and when they are ove, Ana's all, "Suddenly, I feel very tired."

You and me both, chica. You and me both.

Mia tries to detain them, but they're both too tired. Good gracious. IT'S STILL THE SAME FREAKING DAY, PEOPLE! Making it worse, Christian says that tomorrow is going to be a big day.

I'm starting to fear for my sanity. No wonder Christian's insane. Doesn't he ever just relax and read a book in front of the fire place? Maybe he should get a cat. If I stay out too late, Mr. Chekhov is always on hand to scold me like I don't already have a dad.

Christian says that it will be a big day because Dr. Greene is coming by to give Ana more contraception because he hates condoms. Ana's all, "It's my body." Christian's like, "It's mine too."

Oh, ugh. Welcome to the 21st century, y'idjits.

Have I mentioned that we're still on the same chapter?

Mrs. Robinson left Ana a letter inviting her to lunch for a chat about Christian. Christian's like, "I'll deal with her later."

Back at the Grau Haus, Christian notes that it's been a long day. You're telling me, buddy.

They can't go into Christian's apartment. Someone (Leila) slashed Ana's tires and threw paint all over her car. Christian, Taylor, and two other guys go to investigate if anyone is in the house.

Thank God, it's over. This chapter is, anyway. We're 32% done now, guys! Whew.

Okay, I'm making a committment to update once a week with this. Hopefully we'll be done soon.


  1. Saints preserve us! Do we *need* a play-by-play of one 24-hour period? There's no way it could be that interesting. Okay, maybe a book about a standoff, where each chapter is an hour...or you could just watch reruns of 24. ;)

    This, however? God, no. And the Cartier earrings thing! Is Ana's mentality "if a guy gives you expensive jewelry, that's generosity, but giving you a car means he's buying you"? 'Cause I hate to tell her, a lot of guys think that giving you jewelry means they're entitled to something. (Conjugal rights, excepted. They *did* buy the cow, after all. Ha. *ducks*)

    I'm going to keep hanging on, here...this is too good (bad? good-bad?) to pass up.

    1. When I was on live journal, one of my friends had an icon that spoofed De Beers and had a woman going down after opening her diamond because "after that, she kinda has to."

  2. Me too. And again, sorry about disappearing.

  3. Thank you so much for this! I adore you. xx