My bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

I hate leaving my cat behind. Back when I had guinea pigs, I hated leaving them behind, too. Pets are capable of only so much reasoning, so when their masters leave and don't come back when they're supposed to, it adds stress to the pet. What makes it worse with Chekhov was that he was abandoned outside of a school in a cat carrier, and then he was schlepped around first to a kill shelter where he was then rescued by a no-kill shelter, and eventually was placed in a foster home. When I got to him, who knows how many homes he had lived in?

His first reaction to our house was casual indifference. He found a place he liked, under my mom's bed, and only came out at night when we were asleep. It took him about three weeks before he started hanging out in our vicinity. He liked the cat tree I got him (seven feet, three platforms, and a "jeffrey's tube" down by the bottom) and would climb and sharpen his claws, but if he wasn't in the tree, he just wasn't in the living room.

Finally, one night, he jumped on my bed and slept on top of me. I think it was because he was cold, but then he did it the next night. And the next night. He started hanging out in my room, but then, that's where the food and litter box was. I had to take him to the vet for a booster shot, and I watched him deflate. All the time I spent with him came apart in the office. We were home for about two hours before he finally realized that we were still together and that I hadn't left him behind. That night, he slept next to me and held my arm in both his paws. I don't know how long he stayed that way, but he was still on the bed in the morning.

In December, I visited my family for a week. I was excited to go since I had only seen pictures of the baby until that point. I hated leaving Chekhov, though. I packed and got everything ready to go. I explained to the pet sitter that he was sort of shy of men, and the pet sitter said he understood and would try to be quiet and not make quick moves. I still worried. Chekhov stood by the door when I left. I leaned down and put my hand under his chin. He looked up at me with his huge green eyes and I said, "I will be back. I will be back."  I have no doubt that I project feelings and emotions onto him, but my goodness cats can look pathetic when they feel like it.

When I got home, he was happy to see me. He rubbed around my legs and gave me his little burrr-purr. Then that night, he came and laid down beside me. I petted him and he put his paw on my hand. And then, very quickly, he shoved his sharp claws into the back of my hand and before I could yell or do anything, he withdrew them and gave my hand a lick. I probably should have gotten mad at him. But I couldn't because I couldn't imagine how he felt while I was gone, and if that was the worst he was going to do (my old cat would ignore me for a whole day before she would even deign to speak to me or let me pet her), we would be okay.

People think cats are really independent and aloof, but they aren't. They're just not in your face like dogs are. They're quieter about their affection.

Ai howldz ur hand nao, k?

You're a lesbian if you don't think Christian Grey is hot

Hi, people. OMFG I can't believe you guys are finally starting to comment (and spew Twining's English Breakfast tea, thank you, Kelly!). I'm getting some great comments, too. I've had confirmation that this book is not BDSM, and many of you are just confirming that I'm as funny and awesome as the voices in my head tell me I am. One of you (hi, Zee! Welcome!) said that there's a review at Amazon that basically accuses anyone who doesn't find Christian (and by extension, Edward) sexy and doable of being a lesbian. I spent a few seconds trying to find the review so I could rip it to shreds, but then I stopped. Firstly, anyone that narrow minded (is being a lesbian a bad thing? Was she insulting people?) probably wouldn't benefit from the shredding, and secondly, the author is the one who sets this idea up.

I've mentioned this before, but I'll just say it again for context: I am not gay. My obsession for Nigella Lawson aside, I like men.

She's cooking both literally and figuratively.

I don't like Christian Grey for a myriad of reasons that I have outlined on this blog numerous times. Probably the number one reason is that he is abusive. I don't think that I need a number two or three or eleven after that. If I need more, he is also controlling and overbearing. He is mean and arbitrary, he thinks that his girlfriend is a weakling who needs protection from the Big Bad World, and his perspective on life is by necessity skewed towards some crazy alternate reality where he is the moral center. He is narcissistic, having built himself onto a pedestal (probably more the authors doing) that no man can topple. Christian puts himself first in every situation, even when he's trying to perform some sleight of hand where it seems like he's putting Ana first, he puts himself first. I cannot respect this man, and by extension, I could not love him.

The book, however, is hell-bent on making us love Christian. Everywhere Ana goes, there are women looking at her with jealousy. The maid at his parent's house, random strangers on the street, his exes, everyone is jealous of Ana. Why? Because Christian is so hot, they want to be with him. Anyone else reminded of the Chris Brown tweets after the music awards where tons of girls were like, "I'd let him slap me around." Looks aren't everything, but they are also subjective. Looks, however, are the only reason why these women are staring daggers at Ana. And let us not forget the auditorium full of families waiting for the commencement of their loved one, that shining moment when their little boy or girl will finally accept their diploma and enter the wonderful world of adulthood. What does Ana think? That all the women in the place are hanging on Christian's every word. Is it because what he's saying is erudite and eloquent? Is it because of the suffering of the unfed masses that he is bringing to life through his prose? No. It's because of his face.

This face.

I've already talked a little about how the author has made her characters out to be objectified sexual creatures, but I'll go there again. This author does not conceive of a scenario where her characters would not be attracted or attractive to someone of the opposite sex. In the third book, Ana actually says that Christian doesn't work with brunettes close to him because he's attracted to brunettes, so he hires blondes. Not only is he setting himself up for a lawsuit, but he's also saying that he has no control over his libido. This explains his attraction towards Ana and his subsequent pursuit of her, but it's not a realistic view of the vast majority of human beings. Not only does it not account for a scenario where Christian is not attracted to a brunette woman, but it also does not account for a brunette woman not being attracted to Christian. It also does not allow for personality and habits. What this author is writing about is lust. Uncontrolled lust.

This lust is not centered around one or two characters, however. Everyone in this world is governed by this same lust. Guess what? I'm not a part of that world. I'm a part of the real world that is happening around me, and no matter how attractive a man may be to me, I don't go off on uncontrolled binges of arousal when I'm around them. They also show me the same courtesy. I see a person who is attractive to me, and I think, "Oh, he's a good looking man," or, "Oh, what a pretty woman." And then I let it go. Why? Because they are a human being and they don't deserve to have me drooling all over them, no matter who they are or how attractive they are. I might flirt or smile, but if I don't get a reaction in return, it holds no bearing over how I conduct my life. I totally felt that, when I read the passage about the blondes/brunettes, that if a girl didn't show interest in Christian, he would stalk and harrass her until she either gave in or filed a restraining order. How am I supposed to find that attractive?

I get that these books are supposed to be fantasy for bored hausfraus, but there is a sinister edge to them underneath it all. Few men can measure up to Christian Grey because few men would feel comfortable displaying his blatant sociopathy, and those that would probably wouldn't be attractive to the vast majority of the population. People are real, flesh and blood. People have flaws that go beyond arrogance and clumsiness. People are gay. People have fetishes. People have specific likes and dislikes. People are diverse and interesting and so much more than a bland two-dimensional character in a book.

If I'm a lesbian for preferring a flesh-and-blood man who gets tongue tied while talking about his interests because he just can't get less passionate about them, or a guy who is unashamed to impersonate Captain Picard at any given moment, or a guy who drives an old beat-up Honda, then sign me up for lesbianism. If saying no to someone like Christian Grey will turn me into the crazy cat lady down the street, then get me about ten more cats because I'm there. Don't waste time looking for this guy, people. Look at the one right in front of you. The one sleeping beside you. The one you smile at every day in the coffee shop. Getting your face out of a book means being susceptible to hurt and all sorts of other unpleasantness, but isn't it better than staying with that book?

Even for him. Especially for him.

My freaking out, let me share it with you!

I called a pet sitter several weeks ago to come and watch Mr. Chekhov and Rain Bird while I'm away on vacation. This lady came on election night at the beginning of the month, and everything was great as far as I could tell. She left me with information, and Mr. Chekhov actually let her pet his chin, although immediately afterwards, he wanted to hide under a bed.

My travel times changed, so I called on Monday to talk with this lady about a change of schedule and asked her to call me back. She didn't. On Tuesday, I did the same thing. No call. On Wednesday, I called again and it rang once and then went to voicemail. I was being ignored.

I freaked out a lot because I'm leaving Monday at midnight and I can't just leave my cat and bird alone. I mean, I'm not even that mean. Both my friend and my coworker (#5 for those keeping track) urged me to find someone new. So I did.

You know, I get that people get busy and have other stuff happening. I get that our lives become complicated and we get depressed (or I do) and don't want to see or talk to anyone. But this passive-aggressive bullshit just kills me. Maybe it's because I go to therapy where I'm regularly urged to actually speak my mind and be honest that I just happen to be honest with people (though I can also be passive-aggressive at times, see: coworker #7), but this is just no way to run a business. If she had called me and said, "I just don't think I can take on another client right now," I would have been pissed, but I would have understood. Heck, she could have texted that to me. But now, since she didn't have that courtesy, I'm sitting here wondering why she won't answer my calls, why she doesn't want to watch my cat and bird, and if I did something wrong.

This same exact thing happened with the person I thought was my best friend at the beginning of the year, so I now am doubly wondering, "What's wrong with me?" I don't know how I come off on this blog, but people who read my Fifty Shades reviews probably think I'm some sort of sex goddess with a steel backbone and a ton of self-confidence, but like all people, I have doubts about myself now and then. I actually think I'm a pretty cool person. I'd be friends with me. I'd certainly watch my cat for me. Especially if I was paying myself $25.00 a day.

Anyway, I'm really glad that I'm dealing with this now instead of on Saturday or Sunday or even Monday when every pet sitter in the city would have probably charged me double and I'd have had to take it. The lady I am hopefully hiring has a website with all of her information and credentials displayed as well as her business license and references. She didn't ask me what type of cat I had, like the other lady did. She also seemed to be unfazed by the fact that I live in an apartment building whereas the other lady found it to be incomprehensible. So maybe I just wasn't rich enough.

Anyway, it's all good. Crisis averted. The good news is that this prompted me to look at my clothes and think about the outfits I want to take with me. I also bought my little niece a cute sun hat and sunglasses for her birthday that I think she'll kill in.

To support or not to support

So, Oreo posted this picture to Facebook:

I saw it because George Takei (Sulu from TOS Star Trek) posted it almost immediately afterwards. I...don't like Oreos. Don't yell or throw things at me. I look at that, and I think about the lard-consistency of the frosting inside and I'm repulsed because of the taste. (I do enjoy the chocolate cookie part, though.)

Anyway, immediately afterwards, people who claim to be Christians started posting smack about Oreo and Kraft and Nabisco and even General Mills. Apparently, no one knows who makes Oreo cookies. On person posted that homosexual love is not real and cited John 15:13 (though without giving chapter and verse) that "Greater love hath no man than this: that he lay his life down for his friends." I know that scripture. It's basically Jesus telling everyone that he has big love for them because he's about to lay down his life for them. What it has to do with homosexuality, I have no clue. Jesus never spoke against homosexuality, he was too busy with all of the religious muckety-mucks who were running the temple and selling plastic junk to tourists for exorbitant amounts of money.

Another comment centers around wanting to bash [gay people's] heads in with a hammer because they shouldn't be allowed to live. (Oh, and God Bless America. Except for the gay people. They aren't American. Not really.)

Someone actually said that they only support "1 Man + 1 Woman 4 Life" which is great, but then I guess they don't support most of the heterosexual marriages in the United States at this time, because most people have been divorced and are on second or even more marriages.

Someone else bemoaned another "liberal" company destroying religious values and teaching "immorality." Um, newsflash? Corporate America does not destroy or build up or teach any sort of morality other than the morality of making as much money as possible. It's like the Baptists when they sent out their manifesto of how they can't "trust Disneyland to raise our children any more." The underlying fact there is that they are expecting a business to rais their children rather than raising children themselves. Corporate America is not responsible for how you or your children view the world. You are. And this view seems very narrow.

Someone else is saying that "God made us to be men and women, not gay and lesbian." I'll give you a few minutes to stop laughing. Yes! God made you to be either a man or a woman. Your entire identity is wrapped around that gender! When I sleep, I sleep in a womanly way. When I shower, it's a womanly shower. When I work, it's women's work. Or maybe I'm a person with a gender, and my sexuality is only a small part of who I am.

And now a call to arms to declare anyone eating Oreos to be a heretic. I may have to start eating Oreos.

The part that bothers me the most is that these people consider themselves to be Christians. Nevermind that they seem to have never read the Bible, they go to church on Sunday and listen to their pastor give a sermon against homosexuals despite the fact that homosexuals make up about .01% of the population and yet one in four children have been sexually abused. There really are fewer things in this world that are more horrifying than zealots, but I have to say that ignorant zealots are by far the most frightening. And I bet that most of these people would laugh about suicide bombers and say things like, "Do they even read the Koran?" when they themselves don't read their religious book. Only one person up there even attempted to recite a verse from the New Testament, and it was a verse that did nothing at all to punctuate their point.

I get into this with my mom sometimes. She's a "to the bone" Christian, but she actually reads her Bible, and she has admitted that homosexuality is mentioned four times. Twice in Leviticus, once in Timothy, and once in Corinthians. Jesus never mentioned it. He did exhort us to love one another. He said to love our neighbors as ourselves and put no stipulations. He told a story about a man who was hurt and bloody, and how someone who was not even of the same religion helped that man when the people of his own religion wouldn't touch him. He went to the areas of uncleanliness and loved people. He talked to whores and murderers and tax collecters and all sorts of people that the negative commenters would shy away from.

I get mad because these people are speaking for me. They are representing me. When I meet someone and they find out I'm a Christian, I have to explain myself.

It just makes me sad. It makes me want to walk away from the whole thing. It makes me want to turn against them. It makes me wish that Jesus would come back in some sort of crazy rapture and take only a few people out of this world, a lot of them probably homosexuals, and leave all these crazies behind. They are the blight on humanity. They are the ones who are bringing immorality into the world. They are the hypocrites and the heretics, and they are the ones committing sins against the commandments of Jesus, which are to love the lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and to love your neighbor as yourself. That's it. They can't even do those two simple things, and yet they insist that they speak for Christians everywhere.

All of those comments can be found here. I highly recommend you just stay away, it's really depressing.

Getting ready for a vacation, or, Look how long I can procrastinate!

Monday night, I will drive to LA, leave my car at a car park run by persons of dubious criminal backgrounds, and board a flight (piloted by persons of dubious criminal backgrounds) to North Carolina, where my family and my friend Kim live. I have known about this vacation for about a month already. So far, I have:

Bought and wrapped a gift for each of my nieces

Managed to make a huge mess on the kitchen table

Not vacuumed the floor

Hired a pet-sitter (hey, there's one good thing!)

Not cleaned the bird cage

Not cut the cat's claws

Not groomed the cat

Not cleaned out the refrigerator

Not dusted at all

Not sat down to compile a list of things to pack (hint: underwear)

Whenever I pack, I always do it at the last minute. I'm usually up the night before I leave, cleaning, scrubbing, putting shampoo into little tiny bottles, and writing out a permission letter for the pet sitter should anything happen with the pets while I'm gone. Just once, I'd like to do things a little less frantically. But...I have to be honest...I don't think that's my thing. When I plan ahead, I always forget something, but when I do my frantic dash through the medicine cabinet, I always make sure I grab all the right stuff.

Does this come from my being visual? I think it could. I think that maybe when I'm looking through my closet and drawers, I get a better idea for how to put outfits together using only two pairs of pants and three shirts. (the variety comes from tanktops and undershirts that you layer. Really.) I think that when I'm looking at the medicine cabinet, I see all the stuff I use on a daily basis much better than when I'm writing out a list from memory.

Anyway, regardless, all of that stuff up there needs to get done, and it probably won't get done until sometime Sunday night or early Monday morning.

Kim, get ready, 'cause here I come!

Chapter by Chapter synopsis: Fifty Shades of Grey: chapters 17-20

Chapter Seventeen


When we last left Ana and Christian, Christian had come back to Ana and Kate’s house because Ana said she didn’t like how he left her alone after spanking her and they ended up sleeping in the same bed together, something Christian just doesn’t *do*. So in this chapter, they wake up together, both commenting on how well they slept. Christian maybe slept a little too well because he’s late for a meeting or something. He leaves, threatening Ana again to not drive her car.

Ana emails Christian to explain a little more about how the spanking felt, and his response is to be like, “You never used the safe word.” I cannot stress how much Ana is not a sub. Maybe one day she could be, but she currently is not used to safe words and stuff like that. Heck, I’m pretty savvy, but I don’t know if I would remember to use a safe word my first time being “punished” by a Dom. This is not the first time I think Christian is being unreasonable, but I think he’s being particularly unreasonable and callous here. And when Ana threatens to run off? Christian can track her cell phone, of course. Keep in mind that he said he wouldn’t chase after her if she decided to leave.

Every move you make, every step you take...

Ana finally goes to the hardware store and really enjoys driving her new car. Around lunch, a messenger comes with a blackberry that has email capability so that Christian can continue to talk to her. I don’t see why she can’t just text him? Is that hard? Is it so different from e-mailing? Or is it just that with texts, we can’t get his “cute” little titles for himself and subject lines? I suspect it’s the latter. Anyway, Ana promises to e-mail Christian once she gets home.

Ana leaves the normal world behind when she quits her job, and goes home to find Kate completely unimpressed with the brand new car. Taylor comes for the Beetle, and I have huge issues with this. Not only does Christian pretty much out and say that Ana is weak and unable to be safe, but Jose should have been offered the car. Jose Sr. should have been offered the car. It was Jose’s dead mom’s car. I’m pretty sure he would have wanted it back. As Taylor leaves, he tells Ana that Christian is a good man. Hey, Taylor? If Christian wanted your daughter to be his sub, would you still feel that way? As any of us who love Professor Snape. He’s a good man, but not particularly kind. It’s easy to be that way.

Elliott comes over to see Kate later, and Ana rolls her eyes at how he acts towards Kate. Ana feels free being able to roll her eyes at someone. As Elliott and Kate get loudly busy, Ana decides to go out for a drink with Jose (oh noes, what will Christian think??) and as they walk out, Ana thinks about how uncomplicated Jose is. She also thinks he’s going to be upset about the car, so she’s afraid to talk to him about it. Does this girl have a relationship with anyone where there is an open and honest line of communication? Signs point to “no”.

Ana gets back home kind of late and finds e-mails and missed calls from Christian. She realizes that she didn’t e-mail him like she said she would, and now she’s all worried that he’ll be angry. She calls him and has to make him feel good about himself now, because you know, that’s her job.

The next day is moving day, and Elliott helps both Kate and Ana and hangs their TV on the wall and everything. It’s really sweet. It’s how boyfriends act. Christian is not a boyfriend, so he’s not there. He sends a bottle of pink champagne and a helicopter balloon that looks like Christian’s helicopter. Throughout the move, Ana was jealous about how demonstrative Elliott is towards Kate, but she’s not willing to give up Christian in order to find someone who will behave that way towards her, so I just really can’t feel sorry for her.

Ana e-mails Christian to thank him for the balloon and says it’s currently tied to her bed. Christian’s all, “Lucky Charlie Tango.” I mean, I know he’s (probably) not jealous of the balloon (maybe), but honestly? He can be tied to Ana’s bed. He can be there. He just has these stupid arbitrary rules that say he can’t spend the night or be romantic or relinquish any sort of control, so saying something like that is monumentally illogical. It’s not like there’s going to be an occasion where he will ever be tied to Ana’s bed, so why say that?

I tell you what's illogical.

The next day, Ana heads over to Casa Christian, and he shows her that they made the newspaper with the photo that got taken at graduation. To his credit, he’s not flipping out. What he is flipping out about is that his mom wants him to bring Ana to her house for dinner that evening.

Christian rolls his eyes at Ana, and Ana confronts him about how he’s allowed to do that, but she’s not. He’s like, “Oh, I wasn’t aware I was doing that…” Idiot.

Chapter Eighteen



Christian has a gynecologist called into his apartment on a Sunday, and she examines Ana and prescribes hormonal birth control (HBC) for her. I am so hoping that this is the end of the condom descriptions.

Ana comments that Dr. Green doesn’t suffer fools gladly, like Kate. Does this mean that Kate also doesn’t suffer fools gladly, or that Dr. Greene doesn’t suffer Kate? Either way, both suffer Ana, so make of that what you will.

We return to “The Red Room of Pain” (a new movie starring Vincent Price!) that is so red and like a womb and sexy because it’s reminiscent of a woman’s reproductive pouch. Christian shows Ana what he expects, which is the first thing he’s really done in this regard. Ana kneels with her palms on her thighs and waits for Christian. He doesn’t tell her she can’t look around with her head down, so I’m assuming she’s allowed to and that is the reason she’s not in trouble for staring at his feet.

Finally, Christian has kinky sex using handcuffs and a riding crop that is just like the one from Ana’s dream. She decides she enjoys it just fine. Then he uncuffs her and uses the zip ties instead and finally she gets his little shopping spree at the beginning of the book. I just want to reiterate that there’s really not a lot in this scene that I can’t imagine the president doing to Mrs. Obama. Not that I would imagine that. But I’m just saying it’s not anything…oh, never mind.

"Let me show you my technique."

Chapter Nineteen

After a nice nap, Ana and Christian get ready to go to the Grey House, only Christian has Ana’s panties and hasn’t offered them back yet. She decides to not ask for them back and goes around commando. This is a good plan if you’re woman enough to pull it off, particularly in a skirt. It makes the guy think that you’ve been thinking about him all night, and that you want him. Ana, of course, is not woman enough to pull it off and is totally a basket case over it.

At The Grey House, we meet Mia, Christian’s really annoying little sister. She’s about Ana’s age and has Curves in All the Right Places®. If any guy ever thought about doing to Mia what Christian does to Ana, then Christian would kill the guy. This is what we call a double standard, children.

So now that Ana is in The Grey Living Room, she starts realizing that the only reason Christian invited her was because Kate was invited, and that he didn’t want her to feel bad about not going. I actually come out on the side of Christian in this one, because I don’t see him as the sort of guy who would allow people to tell him what to do. He’s a control freak, and if he didn’t want Ana there, she wouldn’t be there.

"I never let anyone tell me what to do! Except Darcy. And my sister."

There’s a maid because of course there is, and of course, she’s hot for Christian. This is getting old.

Around the dinner table, everyone starts bringing up fabulous vacations, so Ana sort of defensively says she’s been thinking about visiting her mom in Georgia. What she doesn’t say is that she’s been thinking about it for the last two minutes or so.

Christian, of course (all together now) is angry.

This is my issue: Christian only wants Ana on the weekends. If she goes to Georgia during the week, why does he care? If he doesn’t want the sort of relationship with hearts and Hallmark cards and unicorns pooping rainbows, then he can’t expect this stuff from Ana.

Kate takes this opportunity to start riling Christian up about how Ana went out for a drink with Jose. Honey badger cares. Honey badger gives a shit. Honey badger is angry. Ana is understandably scared.

"No! I don't care! I don't give a fuck! I just got bit by a cobra!"

Ana shouldn’t be scared. This is bullshit. Jose has been her friend for years, and yeah, when he was drunk he tried to kiss her because alcohol removes inhibitions. But he apologized and Ana is now okay with him. Christian should be too. And you should never be this scared of your boyfriend!

But then he’s suddenly fine and so is Ana because both of these people have the intelligence and attention span of a goldfish.

"I speak on behalf of all goldfish when I say I am offend...bubbles!"

However, when Christian offers to take Ana on a tour of the grounds, we all know what’s going to happen. He’s going to spank her for being a bad, bad girl.

See, in normal relationships, you say that “bad, bad girl” part with sarcasm dripping. In this relationship, he means it.





Chapter Twenty

Ana manages to talk Christian out of hitting her, which confuses him. I guess because he’s used to subs? And he’s also confused that she refused him at dinner. You see, he was putting his hand up her thigh and she squeezed her legs together to stop him, and that’s never happened to him before. He finally settles on getting himself off, but not letting her orgasm. And we’re treated to even more condom fun. Joy.

Mia, of course, breaks in on their post-coital bliss causing them to scramble into their clothing really quickly. Mia doesn’t know how to not be annoying. I also don’t see how she doesn’t know what’s going on. I mean, she’s supposed to be around 22, so clearly she should have this whole sex thing figured out.

Back inside, Ana asks Kate to stop antagonizing Christian. Kate says that she wants Ana to see him as he really is. Which might be okay if you had a friend who was not consenting to being abused. If you do know someone who is being abused, though, antagonizing the abuser will probably just make your friend cling to the abuser even more, and the abuser will single you out as the first person to be isolated from. The best thing I’ve found, back when my friend was with a guy who was really super controlling, not much fun, but my friend felt this crazy compunction to be with him, was to just start talking through hypotheticals with her. And even that was only after she called me really upset and worried about how things were going. I also started out the conversation defending him against a mutual friend, so I started out from a place that was not antagonizing. I mean, these are things you really have to skate a fine line with. Kate is as subtle as Baldric with Ana as her crazy Blackadder.

"I am no longer the worst human being on the face of the earth! Curse you, Christian Grey!"

On the way home, Ana confesses to Christian that she only brought up Georgia so she didn’t seem like a loser with no vacation plans in front of his parents. Had she not brought this up a few chapters ago, I’d believe her. Anyway, Christian encourages her to go visit her mom, and I hope she has tons of money because transcontinental flights on the fly aren’t cheap or easy to get. I hope she has a long book to read on stand-by. Finally, she admits that she’s also feeling really overwhelmed by him and needs Georgia in order to think away from him.

Christian begs Ana to stay the night in his bed. Funny, because when Ana begged Christian, he still left. But Ana stays. He wants to go to Georgia with her because he doesn’t understand the whole “need for space away from you” part of the issue. Ana tells him no. Note from the future: he’s going to show up.

Okay, Christian puts some Benewah Balls inside Ana. What are Benewah balls? They are weighted, generally stainless steel, balls that you stick in your vagina in order to exercise your Kegel muscles. Since Ana is very young and virginal, I don’t think her muscles are very stretched out, but learning to clench is also learning to unclench, so it’s never too early to start. (Unclenching would help with fisting and also extreme/double penetration, if you’re into that or thinking about either of those things, you may want to look into the balls.)

The balls in question are stainless, and held together by a black thread. I googled for ages and could not find any Benewah balls that looked like this. I found something called “Luna Balls” that were silicone and held together by silicone with a silicone pull-cord to remove them, but all the Benewah Balls I could find were separate, and can I just mention that I doubt that little black string is too easy to sanitize? Benewah balls are separate usually because you’re supposed to start with one, for just a minute or two, and then slowly build your muscles to handle the weight for a full fifteen minutes. Then you start with the second. If you can sneeze and not have the balls shoot out, you’re doing good. It’s about controlling the muscles, not just making them tight. Benewah balls help with incontinence, too, and even men find them useful for the “back door” as it were, so they’re really good for all sexes.

These are actually Baoding Balls because I wanted this to be SFW.
(this is funny because they look exactly alike)

Christian’s balls, I have mentioned, are held together by a black string and have a pull cord with them. I don’t see how even synthetic string could be sanitized easily, but whatever. This author also has Ana with a full bladder in the third book while she has a catheter inside of her, so it’s not like I expected her to research or anything, but making it seems that someone can just do this right away is really irresponsible to me. What does she have to do? She has to walk and get him a drink of water. Then he spanks her, but for pleasure, and then he has sex with her.



More to come

Update: My Kindle died last night, and I'm about to go on vacation for over a week, so I probably won't update about Fifty Shades for a couple of weeks. Hopefully I'll be getting back to Christian and Ana around July 16th or so, so try and hold on. I mean, who knows what's going to happen between these two crazy kids! I mean, their relationship is so strong and built on tons of trust and friendship and respect for one another, so it'd be terrible if something came between them.

The coworker issue

I was actually going to post about something else today, but something just happened and I need to write about this because it's bothering me.

Okay, so I have this coworker. CW#7. He's an okay guy. I would dare to say that I don't mind his company. But he has some odd behaviors, like he's one of those people who will tell a story where he did something and then everyone clapped for him. He also exaggerates stuff that happens in the office to create even more drama when there is enough drama, trust.

He started with me really oddly. He would come to my cube, where I have two counters that are about the right height to lean your elbows against and talk to someone. He would come here, lean against my counter, and take a packet out of his pocket. From that packet he would produce a tiny little pill. He would bring it to my attention. "Look at how small this thing is." So, thinking he wanted to talk about it, I said, "Oh? What's it for?" And then he would hedge. "Oh...it's just something I need."

I am not someone who is dying for information about other people, so I started ignoring him, and he eventually stopped taking his pill at my desk. Apparently, though, my silence got to him so he finally told me it was for blood pressure. Big whoop.

He will also come to my counter and prop himself up and then just stare at me. When I finally say, "Yes?" he'll say, "Oh yeah?" back. I've started just igorning him, and he'll go, "Fine!" and then slap my counter and leave. He does this several times a day.

About two or three weeks ago, he told me that a position would be opening in the Emergency Operations Unit of the public agency I work for. I said, "Oh? That sounds interesting." He asked me if I would apply for it and I confirmed that when it opened, I would submit an application. (HoweverI believe I'm on the list for that position and will probably be asked if I want an interview.) Last Friday, he called me into his office. He does this a lot. He'll call, "Hey, Heidi!" from his desk and expect me to walk to his office. I usually say, "Yes?" and he'll say, "I need to ask you a question, so I say, "Okay." and ignore him because I know he wants me to stop working, get up, walk to his office, and then either look at something really stupid and inconsequential or ask me a question that isn't a huge privacy killer that he totally could have asked from my desk. Anyway, one of my other coworkers was in his office and said, "Can you come here?" so I went. CW#7 asked me again if I would go for this position.

"Oh, is it open? I'll go apply," I said and I turned to leave.

"No, Heidi, come here," he said. I turned around. "It's not open yet, but are you going to apply when it does?"

"I might as well," I answered. "I mean, why not?"

"Well, if you want the job, I'll put in a good word with you to [Manager]."

I said, "Oh, okay, that's nice of you." and turned to leave again.

"Heidi," he said, and I had to turn back. "But do you want the job?"

I don't know if I want the job, but I may as well apply for it. Right? I mean, what could it hurt? So I said, "I will apply for it. If you want to tell [Manager] about me and put in a good word, that would be nice."

"But do you want the job?" he asked again. Okay, what's his thing?

"Yes, I will apply for the job," I said and left.

Later that day, he asked if I would go for a walk around the block with him, so I got my walking shoes on and went with him. He broached the subject of the job yet again.

"So, are you going to apply for that job at Loma Ridge?" he asked for the hundredth time.

"Um...yes. I've already told you that I would when it opens."

He then started telling me that I would not have a flexible schedule there and that it was a really long drive and a few other bad things about the job. He didn't mention the scorpions and snakes that other people who work at Loma Ridge have to deal with, but maybe he doesn't care about that. I dont' know. I do. Anyway. I just really hate it when people pull crap like that, and then he kept on about putting in a good word for me.

"I'll totally talk to [Manager] about you if you want me to."

"Yes," I said, feeling really frustrated and surly, and trust me, that's not a hard thing to do, but in this case I really do think I was past the limit that most people would have cracked at. "If you want to put in a good word with [Manager] for me, it would be very nice of you."

I went home and told my mom about the conversation and how it, combined with the other stuff, was making me feel "fifty shades" of creepy (see what I did there?). My mom was totally on my side as all moms should be and even thought maybe he was expecting favors in return from me.

Honestly, I don't think that's what he's after. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy to have clandestine romances with coworkers, and he certainly should know that I'm not the kind of girl who has romances with married men. I do think he wanted me to jump up and down and make a big deal about him offering me the job and putting in a good word, like he was giving me a huge gift or something.

So, anyway, this week started out really badly. There were some issues with some things and I was getting really upset with my coworkers who talk all day and with myself for making a mistake, and I just wasn't in the mood to deal with this guy. I finally confided in Coworker #5 on tueday, who is a nice person and business savvy although she can be a bit sanctimonious at times (I'll have an example of that in a minute). She nodded and told me he pulls the same crap with her, but that like me, she's just started ignoring him. She said she gets uncomfortable with people when they watch her work, but if she asks him if he wants something, he just says, "no," and goes back to staring.

It's important to note that he does not do this stuff with Coworker #6, who is a guy. He does other stuff to him.

On Wednesday, CW#5 said, "You know, Heidi, I think CW#7 is just insecure."

"I know he's insecure, but I don't care, I just want him to stop this behavior," I said back.

"Yeah, but insecurity is a really big thing. Like, I know I earned my job, but I think he feels he didn't earn his, you know?" (See what I mean? She literally said that.)

"Um...I don't think it's necessarily a work-related issue, his insecurity," I answered. "I think he just is insecure and he thinks that if he doesn't talk to us every five minutes, then we aren't going to like him any more or something." I mean, honestly, it's not my job to make everyone in the world feel good about themselves.

Anyway, she said that since she's in the office a few hours before me, and so is CW#7, that he goes to her when I'm not there, but after I show up, he leaves her alone, and she said she just wanted me to know that it really is apparently me he wants and he uses her as a crutch when I'm not available. This is even weirder. And even creepier. And I'm even more ready now to get out of this office.

Yesterday, CW#6 (the dude) asked me if I wanted to go out for Pho today. I said, "Yeah, that sounds really good! Should we ask CW#5 to join us?" CW#7 was not supposed to be in today. CW#6 said we should ask her, and we all three said it sounded great.

Today, it was just the three of us and we were discussing how Pho just sounds really good today.

And then about an hour and a half ago, CW#7 walked in. Immediately after he came in, I went for a walk with the other two. #7 couldn't come because he had just walked in. #5 said, "Well, I was having a really good day, and then something happened to make it bad. But, I'm going to stay positive and say that this is still a good day." I thought she had read the e-mail I sent to her when he walked in that said, "WTF?? I was totally looking forward to a quiet day today!" No, she didn't see it until she got back and we had a quiet laugh about it. "I thought so too," she said to me.

Okay, maybe you see where I'm going with this. But come on, this is crazy! Why is he here today? Is it really because we were planning on going out to lunch together without him? Is he here because of me, or is it some other huge thing that I only factor in in a small way? I'm just really feeling confused, and my desire to leave this job is getting stronger.

Anyway, I don't know what to do. I just don't.


*******update*****

Okay, we went to lunch. CW#7 was all up in my grill. He kept just making inane jokes, like if you say "We're going for Pho", he'll come back with, "You're going to flow? Where?" like that. No, it's not funny. But he does that shit all the time.

Anyway, CW#5 is Peruvian and loves futbol, so when she saw that the restaurant had the futbol game (Germany against Greece) playing on the TV, she decided to sit at this ginormous table by the TV. There were tons of seats. CW#7 decided he absolutely had to sit next to me. He kept commenting that I just didn't think he was funny today or something, and...no. I don't. I don't think that taking something someone says and turning it into something else not even remotely funny is funny at all. Anyway, #5 is like, "You need to just go with it." and I was like, "FU." So I started swearing in German at the TV everytime the guys missed the goal and talking smack about the Greek team. (Oh, they're greasy? Huh! Did you say those players were greasy? Or did you say they greased the field?--CW#7)

So, anyway. I think...I think this guy is okay in small doses. But he's been overdosing me lately, and I'm just not in the mood. I just want to get my work done. That's all.