My Grams...

My Gramma was born June 9, 1919 and died June 9, 2009.

I thought those dates were weird, but my Auntie told me that lots of people die on their birthdays and on major holidays. She does funeral announcements, so I guess she'd know best.

Grams outlived my grandfather by about fifteen years, though she gave us a lot of scares along the way. We thought we were going to lose her the Christmas directly following Gramps' death day, which had been in October of 1998. Grams got really strong after that, though, and started redecorating her house with a bang. She loved purple, so purple started going everywhere. The downstairs bathroom had been an awesome portal, filled with 70's brown-toned flowered wallpaper, and I'm talking huge flowers the size of your face. Because my grandparents were classy that way.

My cousin had a baby ten years ago, the first great-grandbaby. She brought new life to Grams, especially because my cousin and the baby moved in with Grams while Cuz tried to figure out what she was going to do. The baby, who we nicknamed Concreta (full nickname: Joaquin Ana Concrete Elaine...becase we're horrible people that way) (Ana is pronounced Ah-na), was totally Grams's joy. She loved her, and then when my first niece was born a few years later, Grams got incandescent with happiness.

Grams was the one who encouraged me to go to college. "I'll give you money, if college is what you want," she said. I promised her I'd get student aid, I never wanted her money. "I'm spending your inheritance," she'd say after buying something big. "It's not my inheritance. Nothing is, not until you die, and I'd rather have you than money," I'd tell her over and over again. I'd give every red cent in my (tiny) bank account to have her back. I'd live in my car if it meant having her back.

Every year, a few weeks before Christmas, Grams would call me. "What do you want for Christmas, honey?" I'd always say, "I want an official Red Ryder carbine-action range-model air rifle." "You'll shoot your eye out, kid," she'd say. Every Christmas. No, it never got old.

I always had to wrap my Christmas gift from her. I have three other female cousins, and she'd get us all the same thing, a purse or a makeup set or a brush set or something, and I'd wrap them all. "Keep the one you like best," she'd tell me. "Wrap it the prettiest." Eventually, she told me to stop buying her Christmas gifts, so I told her to stop buying them for me too. So we'd go out the day after Christmas and hit the sales at Target or Walmart and I'd buy her something she'd been wanting, and she'd do the same for me.

The Thanksgiving before she died, my mom and I stayed in San Diego for a few days, and Grams sent us out on Black Friday to buy a few things for Concreta and my niece, and my mom and I found a nice TV for me for only 200.00. I'd been wanting a TV and this one was a flat screen and everything new and shiny, so we picked it up. When Grams found out that I'd bought it, she insisted on giving me money. "It's your Christmas present!" she said. I told her it was 200.00, and she was like, "Oh. Well, I'll give you fifty." I put the money back in her purse when she wasn't looking.

I went to stay with my grandparents every year in summer when I was growing up. Grams would take me out shopping for school clothes, which I later found out she did for everyone, but since I was two hours away at the time, I had to visit. I loved visiting. Thanks to my grandparents, I knew who Perry Mason and James Rockford were. Thanks to Grams, I understood that Pierce Brosnan was the handsomest man in the world.

Pictured: Handsomest man in the world. I made this at icanhazcheezburger a long time ago. You like?
Also? Pierce doesn't sparkle.

I have always loved mysteries and reading because of my grandparents.

When I would go home in the summer, Grams would always say, "I don't know what I'm going to do around here without you." I never knew how lonely her life with Gramps was until after he died. I was so glad she had a second chance at life, and that she got her granddaughter and great-granddaughter to live with her for a time. I'm sure she loved it.

I wish I could have been more for her. I wish she could see all of the changes in the family, for the better, for her sake, that have been happening. My one cousin got off of drugs because he promised her on her death bed that he would. My one cousin is determined that she will keep the family together the way Grams did, and hosts Thanksgiving at her house every year. (Not everyone in my family does the Christmas thing, this particular cousin is Buddhist, so Thanksgiving is our big holiday.) My mom and her brother and sister try and meet up once a month to stay close and discuss the estate.

I will always carry a piece of my grandma inside of me. I will always remember and love her. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. I have so many memories, and in that I am lucky.

I just wish she would have taken me with her.

Chapter-by-Chapter Synopsis: Fifty Shades of Grey: chapters 11-13

Chapter Eleven


Ana is reading through the contract, and it’s sort of repetitious because some of it was discussed in previous chapters, particularly with regards to how Ana will look, dress, eat, and exercise. I found it to be boring, but this is the sort of thing that fanfiction readers eat up with a spoon and extra sprinkles. But in a book, it’s boring. Really boring.

Ana gets really freaked out about the contract, particularly when stuff like “anal” and “fisting” are mentioned. Note from the future: you will never have to worry about these things, Ana. The kinkiest thing you will do in these books is the reverse-cowgirl, and I don’t think that’s even particularly kinky. (Is it? I mean…I don’t know what other people do, but I’ve never heard a guy say, “Wait, wait, let’s stop this rodeo. I’m a missionary man!”) Her biggest problem with the contract is the actual submissive part: not being able to touch Christian, not being able to look him in the eye or speak without being spoken to. From what I know of BDSM, and we’ve established that it’s not much, these things are pretty normal. I was actually surprised that there was nothing in the contract about Ana needing to wash Christian, wake him, help him dress and shave and whatnot. I just can’t say enough that he does not want a BDSM relationship, but he wants kink and he wants to do it in a D/s way. I just think the distinction is enough that it warrants addressing.

So, Christian wants Ana to research how to be a sub, and he gets appalled at the thought of her using Kate’s computer, so he has a MacBook Pro sent to her, complete with a tech to set it up and show her how to use it. This part really was odd. How did she get through college without a computer of her own? My computer is over four years old and the battery is completely shot, plus it gets hot enough to boil water on after it’s been running for about ten minutes, but it was cheap and it works. If Ana’s dad bought her a car, he can buy her a computer. For what she needs, she can get one for only a couple hundred. Sheesh.

Ana already has an e-mail from Christian, and they end up sending each other really cutesy exchanges and I want to throw up because I really don’t want to see or read any of that. None of the smileys or the cutesy titles Christian gives himself or any of it.

Ana goes out with José, and it actually doesn’t end badly. They manage to clear the air a bit and I kept expecting Christian to walk in on them and start being an ass, but it doesn’t happen, so props, Author.

Back at home, Ana e-mails more with Christian, and it’s sad because she obviously wants a normal relationship with a normal guy, and he’s who she’s set her heart on. Love is not only blind, but in the middle of nowhere and left for dead. Christian keeps telling Ana to research, which she does, and then she gets all freaked out about the BDSM lifestyle and again, Christian is into kink, not BDSM but it doesn’t matter because Ana wouldn’t know the difference between the two with a type-written list.



Chapter Twelve

Ana goes for a jog to clear her head and then goes home and writes to Christian: “I’ve seen enough, nice knowing you.” SOMEHOW, this is supposed to be a joke. How it’s funny is your guess as well as mine. Is this a Twihard thing like the lip biting? How is this a joke? Where does she put something suitably ironic in order to indicate it’s a joke?

Unsurprisingly, or completely surprisingly since this is bat-shit territory, Christian shows up at Ana’s house instead of just accepting defeat and realizing that it’s over Ana’s head. This makes no sense. He also starts in on Ana for biting her lip and I roll my eyes because it’s her body and she’s allowed to chew on any part of it she wishes, regardless of your feelings on the matter. This? This is what makes him abusive. Also, did he get the joke? Did he know it was a joke? Is it a pop-culture reference that I don’t know about? Or is he just trying to seduce her into getting what he wants? This is the definition of “dub-con” or “dubious consent”, by the way. It’s especially potent since he didn’t think it was a joke (because it’s not?) and really did head over to Ana’s house to seduce her into a different mind frame. This is twisted. Really wrong. This guy needs major psychiatric help, and he needs to stay away from other people because he’s a psychopath and he doesn’t understand empathy or the concept of personal space.

After Christian leaves, Ana starts feeling used, like a receptacle for his sexual energy. This is good because it’s pretty much the truth. Of course, instead of telling him she feels this way, she cries on Kate’s shoulder, and Kate says that he has ‘commitment issues’ which is like saying that the sea is salty.

Ana e-mails Christian in detail about her issues regarding the contract and some of the language, but never addresses the larger issue about how this does not feel like a relationship to her, at least not an equitable one where both partners discuss their innermost feelings and are validated and reassured by each other. Christian promises to talk more on their date, which seems like bullocks since his idea of communication is to have sex.



Chapter Thirteen



Ana finds out that her mom can’t go to her graduation because Ana’s stepfather has fallen down and he can’t get up. I get that Mom has to take care of StepDad and all, but this is her daughter’s graduation. Get a nurse or a friend or something and stay for only long enough to see the graduation. I understand that it’s hard to go from Georgia to Seattle as my family lives in North Carolina and I’m in California, but you can bet my mom dragged her ass across country to see my brother graduate from college, and he was thirty-five when he graduated. This is family. Ana of course says it doesn’t bother her. Why? Because saying it bothers her would be a character flaw? I don’t understand why Ana can’t be let down about her mom. Supposedly they love each other. This is one more odd part of this story. I feel that Ana is detached from her parents, which I guess is typical YA territory, but this is not a YA novel. She’s twenty-two years old, and she is celebrating a major life event. She can be disappointed that her mom won’t be there. But all she can think about is Christian.

After that, Ana calls Ray, the one parent who will be in attendance for her graduation, only Ray’s like, “Yo, there’s a baseball game about to start so I can’t talk long.” The fact that he’ll be there, though, speaks volumes about his relationship with Ana.

Christian e-mails Ana about when he’ll pick her up, and she’s like, “I’ll drive” and he gets upset and pouty because he even has to control her mode of transportation. He e-mails the definition of “Submissive” to Ana who counters with the definition of “Compromise.” The bottom line is that Ana is a little uncomfortable around Christian right now because of this stupid contract, and she wants her car around so she can get away without him next to her, trying to seduce her or coerce her into doing something she’s uncomfortable with.

So, Kate gives Ana a couple of dresses, and she puts on one for the date as well as matching stilettos, and for someone who can’t walk across the street without getting run over by a bike, let me say that this is a really stupid idea. I get that her “flaw” is supposed to be clumsiness, but the alacrity with which the author has abandoned this one flaw gives me whiplash. Ana is, of course, fine in her heels.

Ana tells Christian that the contract isn’t binding, but he counters that it’s good to have everything up front and on the table before they begin, and that he won’t prosecute her if she breaches. No, he’ll just stalk her to death.

I have this in my notes: “It’s not like these two aren’t going to end up together.”

This is the thing: if this were a book series about a virgin exploring the world of sex, and if the books were all about her trying different things with different partners, then I’d wonder who she’s going to end up with. But there’s no suspense here. It’s like the current generation watching Star Wars. If they start with the prequels, then they will be completely unsurprised when Darth Vader ends up as Luke’s father. That is this book in a nutshell. You already know they’re going to get married and make babies ever after. They have to. That is this book. All of this suspense is unnecessary and a little boring.

Anyway, moving on. So, Christian wants Ana to be honest with him, which is so stupid considering the fact that any time she has expressed any modicum of having her own opinions or feelings, he brushes her off and dismisses her boundaries and personal space. Case in point, he gets all over Ana about whether or not she’s eaten, again. Since it seems that Ana doesn’t eat when she’s nervous or upset, it’s no surprise that she hasn’t eaten, but he still gets all over her about it. Also, he asks if she wants to stay in the common room or go to a private room. She says she wants to be in public, but he’s already booked a private room, so no go Ana. The question is completely moot. Why did he ask her opinion when he had already made up their mind what they were going to do? I really hate it when people do that. It’s not fair and it isn’t kind. Also, he’s already ordered for her, including oysters. As a person with severe food allergies, I balk at his incessant obsession over food and his forcing it on Ana.

Okay, Christian starts going over the contract piece by piece, outlining Ana’s issues with what it says. He assures her that he is not HIV positive, nor does he do drugs. He actually goes into his company’s anti-drug policies and mentions random drug testing and Ana’s like, “He’s such a control freak!” Well, get used to it sweetheart, but in this case, he is perfectly within his rights, and few companies don’t issue random drug tests or have strict anti-drug policies. It’s like she nitpicks all the unimportant stuff, but lets his constant, persistent and pathological need to dominate her entirely slide by the wayside. It makes no sense!

Christian says he wants to try their relationship for three months, and Ana starts feeling railroaded. Finally. How long did this take you, Ana?

I have this in my notes: “I can’t believe how boring this is. Ana finally admits she trusts him. Thank God. Can we find the plot now? “

Sorry, self. This is me from the future. There will be no plot. Not ever. Not even with painfully transparent attempts to create drama will there be a plot. This fanfiction is labeled “PWP?”

So then we get to this: Ana is asking why she can’t touch Christian, and she thinks Mrs. Robinson had something to do with it. He says,

“No, Anastasia. She’s not the reason. Besides, Mrs. Robinson wouldn’t take any of that shit from me.” Oh…but I have to. I pout.

Yes. Exactly. He wants you to do things that he would never do himself. He expects of you that which he would never give to you. This is the relationship you want. This is the relationship millions of women want. No wonder men hate us. I’m starting to hate us. This is the type of guy who ‘nice guys’ rail against when they’re trying to ask a girl out.

[You know Nice Guy Syndrome, right? The guys who think all women want Bad Boys who will break their heart? The reason I would find Christian more attractive than a Nice Guy is simply because he knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to say so. The fact that he isn’t interested in what Ana wants and doesn’t care what she has to say is what turns me off to him. But between the two, yes I’d go with Christian Grey. This isn’t saying much.]

Ana brings up his no masturbation clause and he’s like, “I want all of your pleasure.” Sorry, Christian. Until you figure out the Vulcan Mind Meld, all of her pleasure is her own. You can be there to witness it, but she’s the one who feels it. Ana accuses him of using sex as a weapon when he threatens to “fuck” her in the dining room just because he can, and he has the good sense to not deny it. He also brings up how if she were his sub, she wouldn’t have to think about anything anymore, just go along with him. That’s a really great prospect, Christian. Every girl dreams of a guy telling her he’d like to not be able to distinguish between her and a lobotomy victim.

Ana says she feels like she’s playing a game where “[Christian is] the only one who knows and understands the rules.” This is pretty much the definition of an abusive person. Their rules are arbitrary, and what is true today may be false tomorrow, and they change all the time. This is so that Christian can “punish” Ana for not doing what he tells her to do. That is the bottom line.

Thankfully, Ana decides to leave before Christian can seduce and use her again, and she starts wondering if this is the last time she’ll see him, blah blah blah. Look, again, if there were any suspense, I would be on the edge of my chair (not really), but there is no suspense. They are going to get together. I don’t understand this sort of foreplay. Surely the author could have found some other avenue? At this point, it feels like a child’s game of pretend. “Let’s pretend that Christian and Ana won’t get together at some point in the future, okay?”

And now we get to Ana’s Beatle. Christian is all upset that she drives it and keeps asking if it’s road worthy, etc. It’s a steel car with lots of curves on it. It might not have a five-point harness or even a three-point seatbelt, but it’s not a bad car, especially not for a college student. Ana gets adamant that Christian won’t buy her a car, but you know he will.

Ana drives home crying, and lamenting that she won’t be allowed to sleep with or touch her boyfriend if she agrees to the contract. Yes, these are actually huge concerns. The magnitude of these concerns is almost suffocating. Especially the part about looking at him and talking without being spoken to. I mean, if she’s not into D/s or kink, then this isn’t the relationship for her.

She worries he’ll tire of her. Again, no suspense. He sends her an e-mail saying he doesn’t understand why she ran from him, but he wants to make it work, take it slow. One of the first signs of an abuser is that he tries to force you into a committed relationship very quickly. She falls asleep thinking that since this is all he knows, and her view is all she knows, maybe they can forge their own path. Note from the future: yes.

Rant: I think that BDSM is a viable “alternate lifestyle” and that kink and whatnot are perfectly normal between consenting adults, so the undercurrent in this book that says that Christian has something wrong with him because of BDSM bothers me. He has something wrong with him because he had a horrible childhood and upbringing. That’s where his issues stem from. He hides behind BDSM and D/s and kink in order to keep people at arm’s length, but the actual lifestyle is not what has made him this way. He is this way and turned to the lifestyle in order to handle his demons. I feel that this book paints those in “alternate lifestyles” (quotations because I think the term is improper, but I don’t know of a better one) in a light that there must be something wrong with them that they enjoy doing this and classes everyone with Christian Grey. To me, it’s on par with saying that homosexuals are only “that way” because they were abused as a child or just haven’t met the right woman/man to make them not be homosexual any more. In Christian’s case, he just hasn’t met the right girl yet. That’s what this author is saying. It’s easy to get over decades of hurt if you just meet the right person. And it is. If that person happens to be a therapist. But to say that all problems are got over really easily is cheapening the hurt of people like Christian and relegating BDSM to a band aid or crutch-like lifestyle that helps gloss over true problems until that one romantic partner comes along to take you away from “it all.”

I’m sure that this isn’t the author’s intention, but that’s what I’m getting from this book.

Okay, more to come.

My reading style

So, in the wake of yesterday's post about how I don't want to upset authors with my reviews, but I want to say if I liked or didn't like a book, or even just "discuss" it in a one-sided way with myself here on my blog, I went into my Kindle archives and found a few books I haven't read yet. These books were on the cheap side, all under five bucks, but the descriptions intriugued me and they all had good reviews, so I purchased and dug in.

The last book I read, The False Prince by Jennifer A. Nielsen was pretty much the sort of book I like when I read fantasy. It was a little more "young" than "adult", but it was well written, had enough castle intrigue to be intriguing, and though I knew what the plot "twist" would eventually reveal, I still enjoyed the ride. It was great.

This current book I'm reading, though...I won't say the name or the author, but it's bad. I mean, it's bad. And it's not bad in a Twilight kind of way where you enjoy it even though it's bad for you (see Cleolinda's Twinkie analogy), it's bad in a "Didn't this author ever take a creative writing class?" kind of way. I am five or six chapters in, and I have yet to find a plot, and I know absolutely nothing about the heroine other than she reads books (duh), she goes to college (good for her), she has a best friend (you don't say?), a bad relationship with her mother (it's the prerequisite for being a heroine nowadays), and her best friend's brother likes her a lot, though the feeling is not exactly mutual (good job, though, dating your best friend's brother is always a bad idea). But as for who the heroine is, what she's about, her personal philosophies, any of that, it's all blank. One of my favorite parts of reading a book is to read about the world the characters live in.

In Daughter of Smoke and Bone, one of my favorite parts of reading was hearing all about Prague and the streets and how much the heroine loved her world. I knew right away what her interests were, who she was, and what she was about. I think Forever Young Adult said that they'd give Karou a BFF charm, and it's true. You like this girl. She has moxie and she's made mistakes, she's wrong about some things, but she's right too, and you just like her. She seems real. This new book, the main character, who we'll just call Bella in order to save ourselves trouble, has been very good about detailing the minutia of her day without actually making me connect with her. That's what I want. In The False Prince, I liked Sage from the beginning. The very first description of him is him running from a butcher after having stolen a loin of meat for the orphanage he lives in. Our first description of "Bella" is her whining about how she hates flying, and then how some guy who is perfect, and yes, she uses the "adonis" word on some pasty white guy, comes and sits next to her after we spend a few sentences on her looking at herself in a mirror.

It's hard to write. It is really, really hard to write. The difference between a good book and a bad book is almost always in the tiny details. The way you describe someone without stopping the story in order to do it. How you explain why the character is going to one restaurant, but not the other. Making life-long childhood friends have a reason to be so.

My biggest issue with this new book is the way the author writes her characters as though she has a litmus test of what every YA novel must have in it and is incorporating everything without actually trying to inject her soul into it. So far, the main character has met two arrestingly handsome men, one of whom seems interested in her. She has managed to pull out angry stares from all of the girls around her because there is no way that these guys can not be attractive to everyone else in the world. She has reduced all of these other women to slavering beasts without self control as they trip over themselves in order to get the attention of these two guys. And worst of all, Bella asks her best friend if she talked to Adonis #2, and Best Friend said "no", and then two paragraphs later, Bella asks what Adonis #2 and Best Friend talked about, and we get a rundown of what they talked about. So far, she hasn't used "prone" to describe someone lying on their back, but I figure it's only a matter of time. The author is also fixated on the different types of cars everyone drives. I think that naming cars in books is now the new pron for everyone.

You know, Fifty Shades is a pretty awful book. Christian is abusive and controlling, and Ana spends the first book being pushed around by him, and then the other two books begging him to not be angry with her for doing little things like running out to get lunch or sunbathing topless on the French Riviera or having drinks with her friends. But the book is compelling. The writing is great (although, James, I need to tell you: prone=laying on the face. Supine=laying on the back. Christian cannot be prone and staring at the ceiling unless he needs an exorcist or an undertaker.) and there are very few grammatical/syntax/continuity flaws. I can read a book that I find infuriating if the writing is good, and I can enjoy it. I have a very hard time reading a book where there is nothing holding me to it.

I don't care about Bella or her Adonises. Her best friend is nothing, and her mom seems to be the only one who knows that Bella is a total twat.

So, authors, let's start working on this. I need my characters to internalize more, too. Let's do it together! (gag)

My book reviews

I read a lot, and I usually like to talk about what I read, so I've started posting about it here online. My reviews are not by a professional critic, but by me, a lover of books. I don't like some books. I love other books. I'm on the fence about some. Some are great books, but aren't my cup of tea.

Pictured: My cup of tea (no, this joke will never get old)

Why do I bring this up? Because over at OTF_Wank, there have been several author meltdowns at people who, like me, leave reviews depicting books that they're either so-so about, or just didn't enjoy. One author got all over a reviewer (a person who's blog is even solely dedicated to reviews) for pointing out horrible writing, syntax, grammar, punctuation, and spelling. Despite samples being passed around and other commenters pointing out what was wrong with the writing, the author maintained that she was absolutely correct in everything and the reviewer was just being mean. Another reviewer had on their blog that they will read up to fifteen mistakes before putting the book down, and she barely got in ten pages before she put the book down. Honestly, these are reasons why I would not read a book. I am glad that these reviewers point this out so that I don't waste time or money buying the books and being disappointed. I go by what other authors recommend, and I enjoy reading reviews, even after I have read the book.

For me, talking about a book after I read it is a way to continue to connect with it. I would feel bad if an author felt sad that I didn't like their book, but I would hope that since they are an author, they know that not everyone is going to like what they have to say. I would also hope that they would know better than to come to someone's blog and start attacking the blogger for being honest about a book.

I want to tell authors that people want to like their books. We're readers, those of us who review, and we enjoy reading. We enjoy the worlds authors can create. But we also get upset when a world doesn't manage to make sense, or when text does not live up to its intended design. I know we currently live in a world where every child gets a trophy for participation whether they're a good soccer player or not, and your high school diploma is now just one of many diplomas you've received over the years, so accomplishment and achievement are no longer unusual occurrences. Everything is now rewarded, both failure and accomplishment. But at the end of the day, I read what I enjoy (and yes, I include Fifty Shades in that category).

A post about nothing

I know I should be posting more about Fifty Shades because I want to get it over with, but I have to re-read it at this point and make notes. I was making notes while I was reading at first, but then I had to give up because it was really breaking my concentration, so now I'm making posthumous notes on a second read. I'm not sure if my future posts will be as good because I'll have more information now, and it won't be as "real" as my previous posts, but I think I can get it funnier.

I interviewed a cat sitter last night. Chekhov consented to let the lady pet his ears and his cheeks, but watch the chin, woman. We aren't that closely acquainted yet. My bird loved her, though. Mostly because she spent her first ten minutes admiring him and saying how cute his face is. My bird is a sucker. I also predict that Chekhov will absolutely love this woman by the third day, if not before.

I read a really interesting article a week ago about children who present with psychopathic tendencies and the psychiatrists who are trying to intervene before these kids grow up to ruin people's lives. It was very thought-provoking, and it followed one family in particular who had three sons, and the eldest was the one with the presumed psychopathy. The reporter's observations were really chilling, like, the boy would get upset with his younger brother (who idolized him) about something, maybe a taken toy or taking the elder's game off of pause and affecting his score, etc., and the cold, calculating manner that the eldest would use in order to exact his revenge.

You think of kids as being more impulsive and less patient when it comes to retaliation, but this young seven-year-old boy bid his time and exacted his punishments in such a way as to try and deflect everyone from thinking he was taking revenge from the earlier infraction. When he realized that the reporter wasn't buying his act, he simply said, "As you see, I don't like my brother very much."

The worst part of the article, though, was in the comments section, when people actually started judging the parents for having more children after this one. I didn't get that. And people were liking their comments! As if it's any of their business! But it made me feel bad, because I thought that once about a family. They had six biological children, and all six had some sort of disability, including four with autism which is a statistical anomaly (Read: bullshit). My first thought was, "Munchhausen by Proxy" (probably correct) and my second thought was, "After the second, they really should have stopped. That's just wrong." Was my thought right? It feels right. It still does. That doesn't MAKE it right, but it still feels right. But I can't think that about the other parents. They have a child who will more than likely bring them heartache later in life, unless this early prevention works of course, and they deserve two kids who might actually make them happy. But what about the kids? They have to deal with an abusive older brother. How much can he hurt them? How much will their lives change because of this kid? And yet, at the end of the day, it's the parent's decision to have more.

Speaking of narcissists, my dad drunk dialed me the other day and then proceeded to tell me everything my brother has been doing since about October of last year, and no matter how much I tried to explain to him that I've actually seen and talked to my brother regularly since that time and know exactly what he's been up to, my dad just kept talking at me and telling me what was going on which was ridiculous. I mean, he called me while I was vising my brother at Christmas, and he kept getting upset that the baby was "talking" while he was trying to talk to me, so he had to know that I'd be aware of what my brother is doing! Sometimes, I get really mad at my mom for having children with him, and sometimes I get mad at God for allowing it to happen.

Anyway, that brings me to my trip that I'm about to take in a month (!!!!!!!). I have booked the plane and the rooms, now I just need to find us a car. It's my niece's first birthday! I can't wait.

I hate summer

When I was in school, I always hated summer. Something I found really comforting after I graduated was that I didn't have to deal with summer any more, I would just work full time.

Now that I'm in college, I hate summer again.

I'm taking a class this coming summer (starting in a few days), so maybe I'll feel differently once that starts, but since part of this blog is to help me with my therapy, I'm going to discuss why I hate summer.

I'm not sure, I guess.

Wow, that was anti-climactic.

Okay, I don't like summer because when I'm in class during the school year, I feel like I'm moving forward, but in summer, I feel like I'm stagnating. Also, I have to deal with people who are graduating onto other things, and I'm really jealous of them. I'd give just about anything to be graduating right now.

Also, every semester in college is so much fun, I really like my classes, and I always meet one or two people to be my homegirls during the class, and I miss that when summer comes. In highschool, I lived pretty close to my best friend and could walk to her house when I wanted over the summer, and then she got her car and we could drive places which was fun, and now I'm an adult with my own car and my best friend lives really close to me and I see her a lot, but it's just always different when you're in a classroom environment. I don't know what it is for me, but it's something different. I like it better when I have a class to go to. I feel like I have purpose.

Now I'm in summer, and it just seems like there are so many months ahead of me, and they're all empty.

The hardest part of having a chemical imbalance that leads to profound depression is that nothing really triggers it. You just start feeling depressed and empty, and then you feel guilty because your life is actually okay and pretty cool, you don't know why you can't just be grateful like other people.

Well, this is making me sad, so I'm going to stop, but this is how I feel in the summer. It's always harder.

Fifty Signs of Abuse

Okay, not fifty, but here are some signs of abuse:

Is jealous or possessive toward you.

Christian has decided Ana is his because he "took" her virginity. He doesn't like anyone else being in her life.


Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.

There isn't a time when Christian isn't trying to be demanding or bossy towards Ana. He tells her when to eat and how to dress, even getting upset if she's wearing too little. He gets upset when her hair is damp after a shower because she could get pneumonia or something.

Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.

 Jose. That's all I'm saying.

Okay, I'll say a little more. The first week they know each other, Ana goes to meet Christian's parents. She still hasn't signed the contract. Mom asks Ana if she's doing any traveling over the summer, and Ana says she's been thinking about going to visit her mother in Georgia. Christian gets pissed. Like, PISSED. He even tells her it's something he's angry about. This is Ana's mother. Even if it was her best friend from kindergarten, Christian has no reason to be upset with Ana for thinking (not making any plans yet, just thinking) about visiting her mother. He's isolating in other ways, but this was the one that got my blood boiling.

Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.

The times Christian gets angry and petulant are always times that any normal person would be fine. Just like Ana wanting to see her mom. He gets upset over petty things, too, like the eating thing, but also he thinks Ana doesn't sleep enough, the night she drunk dialed him, etc. Any time Ana shows any sign of independence, he gets upset.

Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.

The book is basically him trying to talk her into being his submissive sex slave.

Abuses drugs or alcohol.

He drinks a lot for a guy who supposedly never gets drunk, but he's actually too controlling to get drunk. It's the opposite side of the coin.

Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)

Yes. Whenever Ana wants to be herself, he gets upset. He even tells her at one point that if she would just sign the contract to be his sub, then they wouldn't have to argue about anything any more, because she'd just do what he wants to do without question. Basically, her being an autonomous human being is upsetting to him.

Blames you when he or she mistreats you.

See above. He wouldn't be angry or have to spank her for being bad if she'd just do what he says without question.

Has a history of bad relationships.

So far he's had fifteen subs and a cougar who used him as a sub.

Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.

Kate is the only one he can't charm. Naturally, he's not very fond of her. Jose's not too fond of him, but that's because he likes Ana too.

You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.

Ana is such a bundle of nerves around Christian that she can't eat half the time she's with him. She also worries about how he's going to take certain things, like the fact that Kate's brother is going to be one of her roommates, or that she wants to hang out with Jose or anything like that. She makes her life revolve around him.

Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.

No, he's not like that. He jokes about his "twitching palm", but she does too.

Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.

Yes! Christian was totes abused as a kid.

Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.

See above examples. Christian views any disagreement that Ana has as an argument, and gets angry with her when she's upset with him for the intrusions he makes in her life, particularly with buying her a car because he's decided that hers is unsafe, and buying the company she gets a job with because she turned down his offer of internship. There's also petty stuff, like if he thinks Ana is wearing too little, or eating too little or walking down the street without an escort.

Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.

They do drink a lot.

You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones.

So...Ana actually leaves Christian a couple of times, but every time he comes back for her and Kate is the only voice of reason. Mostly because this all happens so quickly (their relationship is seriously a week-long thing) that no one else really sees how much Christian hurts Ana.

You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.

 That's pretty much Ana at the end of the first book.  


Does the person you love...


• constantly keep track of your time?

 Christian is all over Ana about where she is and what she's doing.

• act jealous and possessive?

 When is he not?

• accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?

 He doesn't necessarily think she's unfaithful or flirting, but he thinks that every man in the world is trying to "steal" her from him (remember, she "belongs" to him because he "took" her virginity) and that the men can't be trusted.

In the second book, Christian gets angry at Ana for hugging Jose, and then later for teasing Christian's bodyguard about something. Ana freaked out about the second one, worried she had gotten Taylor into trouble by teasing him.


• discourage your relationships with friends and family?

 The Georgia thing. He was really upset that she decided to go, and then he showed up in Georgia even though Ana had told him she wanted to be away from him and have time to think.  


• prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?

 Christian would prefer that Ana didn't work at all, and gets upset any time she makes plans.  


• constantly criticize or belittle you?

 The one good thing about Christian is that he tells Ana she's pretty and smart a lot, and when she's given a promotion at work, he is totally unsurprised and says that he has no doubt her work has realized how valuable she is.  


• control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)

 He's always pushing money on her and trying to get her to accept his elaborate gifts, and he's only upset when she won't take it. It's the opposite of a controlling spender.


• humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)

 Again, he doesn't do this. It's the only thing on this list he doesn't do.


• destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?

 Ana had this classic VW Beetle. Christian freaked out that she was driving it and basically forced her to sell it (she had been thinking about selling it, anyway) and then he bought her a new car. It's not so much that he takes them, he tries to replace everything that has meaning to her with something that will make her think of him instead of whatever the other stuff is.  


• have affairs?

 Christian doesn't have affairs, but he's still pretty chummy with "Mrs. Robinson," the woman who seduced him and made him her sub when he was a teenager. Ana has repeatedly told him that she's uncomfortable with his relationship with this woman, and even though he expects her to give up Jose (she won't), he can't see why she's upset about Mrs. Robinson. He also has women who work with him, but apparently he's not out to rape them despite the fact that he's sure men are out to rape Ana.

• threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?

 He threatens to spank her pretty much from the beginning, when he went to kidnap her at the bar. 


• push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?

 They don't have kids. Yet.


• force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?

 

 The whole book is about him wanting to do sexual acts with her that she is uncomfortable with.