Just with all the stuff that's been going on with me lately, I really feel like I should be missing A in my life. After all, wasn't she my best friend? I should be looking for someone to lean on, I should be scrambling for the support she's always given me.
Except I'm not.
I've come to realize that...well, that she wasn't really there. And quite frankly, it's much easier right now that I'm not thinking about what I did wrong, or why she isn't being my friend, or any of that other angst that I was feeling while I was still working so very hard at our friendship.
I feel really foolish. More than foolish, I feel really stupid. I have been holding onto this relationship for so long, it's been so important to me. But it wasn't important to her; not like it was to me. Keeping her friendship was so important to me, and I guess I must have made myself think it was important to her too.
The good news is how much freer I am right now, and how much more able I am to foster the relationships that I currently have. Plus, I'm trying to make a few more.
I think people forget how important friendship is. Not romantic attachment, but true platonic love. Friendship should be a joy, and while all relationships are difficult to keep, friendship is one of those things that's based on mutual interests, compatable personalities, shared experiences, and the best part is that each friend can be a different area of your life. With romantic entanglements, the other person sort of has to cross over all the different facets of who you are, but each friend can represent a different area of who you are.
Well, I have no insights to offer. All this has done is given me a fervent desire to never go through it again ever. Hopefully I can manage that.