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I keep trying to put into words how I feel about something...and I keep muddling things. One of the goals I want to accomplish with this blog is to communicate better, but in this matter, I don't seem to be able to. I'm going to keep trying, but I think it's best to delete this post.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Book Review: Branded by Taylor Keary
Branded is the first book in a series on angels, and since Ethereal was about Nephilim, I felt this was a good second book to review.
Branded is nothing like Ethereal. Ethereal has its roots firmly in The Big Three religions--Muslims, Christians and Jews will recognize a good deal of the ideology behind Ethereal, but none of us will really embrace Branded as its depictions of angels and the afterlife do not link in with any of the Big three. Branded follows a more karmic ideology. Angels were once people, and now stand in judgement of people. Judgement weighs your good deeds with your bad deeds. In the end, you are either exalted or condemned. In the Torah and Bible (I'm also assuming in the Koran, but I've never read it, so...) it is clear that angels and humans are different species, and that angels do not judge, but YHWH is the only judge. I only bring this up because there are some things that this godless system leaves out that The Big Three all have in common, such as sanctification, forgiveness of sins, and a righteous judge who does not think like a man. I feel that if an author is writing a mythos that goes directly against thousands of years of religious text that spans across at least three religions, the author is obligated to explain their mythos. I mean, Tolkien did it for crying out loud, you'd think anyone else would have no difficulty. One of my favorite authors, Lois McMaster-Bujold always explains her mythos to the reader, the gods involved, the beliefs of the people. It makes for a well-rounded book that is enjoyable and deep.
That being said, I really enjoyed Branded. It was a page-turner, and it was a very unique book, something that you just don't find everywhere. It was a bit predictable, and it had the obligatory heroine who absolutely cannot live without the guy she falls in love with, and they can't have sex for whatever reason (and this continues in the second book to the frustration of all because it's never explained why they're not having sex. Again, an explanation of the mythos we're following here would really help, because I don't really see premarital sex pinging high on the radar where Karma is involved.), but it also has a lot of other stuff that is very good.
Jessica has dreams whenever she sleeps that she is standing in place of someone about to be judged. No one has ever believed Jessica, despite the fact that there is an X branded on her neck, and she has wings etched into her back. Apparently this started when she was five, so I'm kind of curious as to why her parents never believed her. I know you can get body modifications younger than 18, but I've never heard of a tattoo parlor shady enough to do branding on a five-year-old.
Finally, Jessica meets Alex who is wonderful and beautiful and perfect and everything she'd hoped he'd be, and she tells him about the dreams. He doesn't say if he believes her or not, but he tries to be understanding. Alex is also fabulously wealthy because of course he is. He also has a lot of restraint where his sex organs are concerned and never has sex with Jessica no matter how much they love each other because they're trying to be "good." Good how? Good...in a Karmic way? Good because the religious texts of the Big Three expect you to abstain (if you're a woman)? It doesn't make sense.
There's another guy who wants Jessica, and he has dark hair and dark eyes and looks a whole heck of a lot like the angels who judge Jessica every time she sleeps, only she never puts two-and-two together, and I just have to stop here and remind everyone how much I really dislike the fact that the "good" boyfriend in YA fiction is always the one who is closer to exhibiting all of the proper traits that Hitler expected from his Jungen, whereas the "bad" boyfriend is always dark. What does this say about our society? In the wake of the horrible tweets about Rue and Cinna in The Hunger Games being portrayed by African-American actors even though Rue is supposed to be dark-skinned and all Cinna is ever described as is having hazel eyes (Lenny Kravitz) and close-cropped brown hair (Lenny Kravitz), this is really worrying to me. If anything, in this day and age, YA fiction should be more inclusive to GLBT, and all races, and I feel that they have an obligation to portray these things in a positive light. I'm not saying I think this author is a bad person or that she did a bad job, I'm just saying that like a lot of other people, she is equating good Aryan looks with goodness and dark, un-WASPish looks with violence and negativity. She has a chance as an author to make a difference with these prejudices and preconceived notions, and I do applaud that in the second book, a dark-skinned man falls for a light-skinned woman, but she's been in an abusive relationship that she just skips out of without any last effects, so that's another rant.
Anyway, the other guy is clearly a "condemned" angel (they all get dark eyes, whereas the exalted angels get blue eyes...I mean, it's getting ridiculous here.)
Left: What you think Jesus looked like. Right: What Jesus more than likely actually looked like. Also, Hello Oded Fehr. Where have you been all my blog?
So, you know how it will end, with Alex and Jessica together and Evil!Angel Cole vanquished back to "hell", but the best part of this book is really that it's not what you think it is. You will never guess where it's going...I mean it when I say it was a page-turner.
The second book, Forsaken, was not nearly as good, but it was still riveting. Overall, I give this book a B+.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Book Review: Ethereal by Addison Moore
One of the biggest arguments against YA fiction is that the characters are so very stupid. While reading Ethereal, I realized that they aren't stupid. No. They're teenagers. Case in point, Skyla, the main character in this book, is told by a ghost to stay away from a certain boy that Skyla, at the age of sixteen, has already fallen madly in love with. Skyla decides that the ghost is just jealous because when the ghost was a person, she and this perfect paragon of teenagerhood used to date and the fact that this former girlfriend (Chloe) is dead now is in no way a warning for Skyla. I should also mention that Chloe was murdered. Just so you know.
All right, so the story. Skyla is a Nephilim, or angel-human hybrid. These things exist in the Bible. They are the main reason why Noah's Ark happened. They are not a good thing, except in this story they are. Well, they are except for the fact that they tend to die young. In the Bible, Nephilim were fearsome giants with great capacity to commit evil deeds. Their fathers were fallen angels, mothers willing participants in hubris. In some areas of Jewish mythos (not main-stream Judaism, think more Gnostic), even after the flood, Nephilim continued to populate the earth and do great and terrible deeds. Goliath is purportedly (in some areas) a Nephilim. The lore concludes that the Nephilim were incited to war against each other by Gabriel (God instructed him to start the fire) and were eventually killed off by each other. None of this is mentioned in the book. There is mention of factionalism and that there are certain sorts who are more friendly, and one sort that's like a New Jersey crime syndicate (they may actually be a New Jersey crime syndicate) and they exact revenge, kidnappings, executions, etc. in the name of their faction.
Skyla is naturally of the most rare order, Celestra, and she is somehow pure-blood even though that would mean that both her mother and father were Celestrae, and her mother doesn't appear to be anything other than human. Skyla also has a younger sister who is perfectly normal. I have only read the first book, but I'm wondering if Skyla was maybe the product of her father and someone else? Her mom really does love her, though.
Skyla has a creepy stepfather, a horrid stepbrother (who is actually kind of cool, though I don't know if the author meant for anyone to like him) and a stepsister. She is the same age as her stepbrother, and her younger sister is the same age as the stepsister. The mom thinks it's great, but I think it's odd. Skyla does, too. They all move to a small island in Washington State (how close is it to Forks?) and move into the late-great Chloe's house. Skyla gets her room, her next-door bestie, her boyfriend, her boyfriend's cousin, and pretty much everything else Chloe had. It's at this time that Chloe reaches out to Skyla and tries to warn her to steer clear of Logan, but Skyla's all, "u jus jellus hor." Chloe's all, "Pearls, swine, no thanks." and leaves Skyla alone.
Of course there's a hugely unequal relationship between Skyla and her boyfriend Logan, who is also a Celestra (quelle coincidence). He knows everything there is to know about being an angel-on-earth, but he won't tell everything to Skyla for her own good. I'm sorry, but I've spent a little too long reading YA paranormal fiction, and I know that any time a boy does something for the good of his girlfriend/stalker obsession, it always ends badly. The worst part is that Logan's aunt and uncle (his parents were killed after he was born. For being Celestras.) are both angels, and even though a normal adult would be like, "This girl knows nothing of our ways, let us teach her!" the adults in YA fiction have a curse that forces them to be as completely ineffectual as possible in any given situation.
Skyla's stepfather is also typecast as The Worst Sort Of Stepfather Short Of Being A Pedophile Rapist. He thinks that Skyla is using drugs and having sex even though it's his son who does those things. He thinks Skyla is unhinged and dangerous, and when she thinks she's being attacked by someone and stabs them in the stomach with a pair of scissors while her best friend cowers under the covers during a sleepover, Tad The Stepdad has Skyla put into a mental health facility because stabbing a guy who doesn't answer when you repeatedly ask, "Who's there? Who are you?" isn't a normal reaction to him. To Skyla's credit, she never answers his accusations with cross-accusations about his son, but she does scream and yell at him. In her defense, he's an idiot.
I liked the book all right, though I'm not sure if I want to buy any other books. It really sort of drove me crazy, especially the stuff with the parents. I can kind of see that she's displaying somewhat erratic behavior and that it's worrying to her parents, but there's a huge jump between "erratic" and "we must incarcerate her." At the same time, I am curious to know more. I just don't know if I can slog through another book. I may give it a try, though. All over, I'd give it a C+/B-
All right, so the story. Skyla is a Nephilim, or angel-human hybrid. These things exist in the Bible. They are the main reason why Noah's Ark happened. They are not a good thing, except in this story they are. Well, they are except for the fact that they tend to die young. In the Bible, Nephilim were fearsome giants with great capacity to commit evil deeds. Their fathers were fallen angels, mothers willing participants in hubris. In some areas of Jewish mythos (not main-stream Judaism, think more Gnostic), even after the flood, Nephilim continued to populate the earth and do great and terrible deeds. Goliath is purportedly (in some areas) a Nephilim. The lore concludes that the Nephilim were incited to war against each other by Gabriel (God instructed him to start the fire) and were eventually killed off by each other. None of this is mentioned in the book. There is mention of factionalism and that there are certain sorts who are more friendly, and one sort that's like a New Jersey crime syndicate (they may actually be a New Jersey crime syndicate) and they exact revenge, kidnappings, executions, etc. in the name of their faction.
Skyla is naturally of the most rare order, Celestra, and she is somehow pure-blood even though that would mean that both her mother and father were Celestrae, and her mother doesn't appear to be anything other than human. Skyla also has a younger sister who is perfectly normal. I have only read the first book, but I'm wondering if Skyla was maybe the product of her father and someone else? Her mom really does love her, though.
Skyla has a creepy stepfather, a horrid stepbrother (who is actually kind of cool, though I don't know if the author meant for anyone to like him) and a stepsister. She is the same age as her stepbrother, and her younger sister is the same age as the stepsister. The mom thinks it's great, but I think it's odd. Skyla does, too. They all move to a small island in Washington State (how close is it to Forks?) and move into the late-great Chloe's house. Skyla gets her room, her next-door bestie, her boyfriend, her boyfriend's cousin, and pretty much everything else Chloe had. It's at this time that Chloe reaches out to Skyla and tries to warn her to steer clear of Logan, but Skyla's all, "u jus jellus hor." Chloe's all, "Pearls, swine, no thanks." and leaves Skyla alone.
Of course there's a hugely unequal relationship between Skyla and her boyfriend Logan, who is also a Celestra (quelle coincidence). He knows everything there is to know about being an angel-on-earth, but he won't tell everything to Skyla for her own good. I'm sorry, but I've spent a little too long reading YA paranormal fiction, and I know that any time a boy does something for the good of his girlfriend/stalker obsession, it always ends badly. The worst part is that Logan's aunt and uncle (his parents were killed after he was born. For being Celestras.) are both angels, and even though a normal adult would be like, "This girl knows nothing of our ways, let us teach her!" the adults in YA fiction have a curse that forces them to be as completely ineffectual as possible in any given situation.
Skyla's stepfather is also typecast as The Worst Sort Of Stepfather Short Of Being A Pedophile Rapist. He thinks that Skyla is using drugs and having sex even though it's his son who does those things. He thinks Skyla is unhinged and dangerous, and when she thinks she's being attacked by someone and stabs them in the stomach with a pair of scissors while her best friend cowers under the covers during a sleepover, Tad The Stepdad has Skyla put into a mental health facility because stabbing a guy who doesn't answer when you repeatedly ask, "Who's there? Who are you?" isn't a normal reaction to him. To Skyla's credit, she never answers his accusations with cross-accusations about his son, but she does scream and yell at him. In her defense, he's an idiot.
I liked the book all right, though I'm not sure if I want to buy any other books. It really sort of drove me crazy, especially the stuff with the parents. I can kind of see that she's displaying somewhat erratic behavior and that it's worrying to her parents, but there's a huge jump between "erratic" and "we must incarcerate her." At the same time, I am curious to know more. I just don't know if I can slog through another book. I may give it a try, though. All over, I'd give it a C+/B-
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Forget quitting, I may get fired
A guy just walked into my office, and I was talking with him. I told him that he needed to find a new word other than "rush" to prove to me that a project is important because they all say "rush" right now. His response? "Hey, I like Rush Limbaugh." I said, "Well, he thinks I'm a whore, so I don't really care for him." the guy was amazed. "What?" I said, "Birth control" and his response was, "Well, I gotta go." Yes. Go. Really. He said, "Are you voting Obama then?" I said "No." and he said "Good." I didn't have the heart to tell him that the person I will be voting for won't suit his ideas either.
The worst part is that only one woman in my office knew what I was talking about. Hello, Ladies! This is how our rights will be stripped away! Ignorance is not bliss.
Anyway, your daily rant
The worst part is that only one woman in my office knew what I was talking about. Hello, Ladies! This is how our rights will be stripped away! Ignorance is not bliss.
Anyway, your daily rant
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Two Women, One Bathroom
The hardest part about moving to my new apartment is the fact that it has exactly one (1) bathroom with one(1) sink in it, and my mom and I have to share it.
Now, I know that there are married people out there who probably enjoy their mornings in the bathroom together (having resolved to move to Spain and take a string of European lovers, however, this will never happen to me). I would like to remind you that my mom and I are not married, and there is very little to enjoy about being awoken by an obsessive-compulsive cat who must eat NOW NOW OMG NOW! and then while you're taking care of him, your mom sneaks into the bathroom and occupies it for the next thirty minutes. And you have to get ready too.
My mom is nekkit on the other side of the door, people. She's not a sexy Alpine god (Spanish, Italian or Swiss, I'm good) whose back I can't wait to wash. So, while she's in Nakedland doing Naked Things, I have to manage to get everything else together when a good deal of what I need to do has to happen after I dress. I'm seriously considering just going to work and showering there. And we start work at just about the same time and are just about equidistant from our respective places of employment, so it's not like one of us is just an early riser or running late.
I'm starting to think about setting up a little vanity in my bedroom, but there are a few things I can't add to it. For instance, this is the year 2012, not 1812, so I'm pretty sure I can't put in a "water closet" for those times when I just really have to go OMG.
But other than that, I love my new place.
Now, I know that there are married people out there who probably enjoy their mornings in the bathroom together (having resolved to move to Spain and take a string of European lovers, however, this will never happen to me). I would like to remind you that my mom and I are not married, and there is very little to enjoy about being awoken by an obsessive-compulsive cat who must eat NOW NOW OMG NOW! and then while you're taking care of him, your mom sneaks into the bathroom and occupies it for the next thirty minutes. And you have to get ready too.
My mom is nekkit on the other side of the door, people. She's not a sexy Alpine god (Spanish, Italian or Swiss, I'm good) whose back I can't wait to wash. So, while she's in Nakedland doing Naked Things, I have to manage to get everything else together when a good deal of what I need to do has to happen after I dress. I'm seriously considering just going to work and showering there. And we start work at just about the same time and are just about equidistant from our respective places of employment, so it's not like one of us is just an early riser or running late.
I'm starting to think about setting up a little vanity in my bedroom, but there are a few things I can't add to it. For instance, this is the year 2012, not 1812, so I'm pretty sure I can't put in a "water closet" for those times when I just really have to go OMG.
But other than that, I love my new place.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Breaking Dawn Review Part Three: Bella Gains Immortality, Loses Intelligence
In part one, Bella and Edward finally sparkle in the bedroom and make a baby. In part two, Jacob and Edward conspire to force Bella into an abortion and fail which ends up being good for Jacob because he "imprints" on Bella's baby (it's totally platonic!). Now, part three, in which stuff actually happens. Like, vampire stuff.
So, when Edward injected Bella in the heart with his venom (saliva), it hurt. In the Twiverse, changing to a vampire is painful. In the first book, Bella was bit in the hand, and she was screaming because it felt like her hand was on fire. Now in Breaking Dawn, Bella is all, "I'm in pain, but I won't cry out. I won't even say a word and they'll think, 'oh, she's such a good girl. She won't even cry.'" The reality is that Bella is in a lot of pain and it's freaking the Cullenses out because they're expecting her to cry and scream and otherwise feel horrible, but Bella just had to jump up and nail herself to a cross so she won't be a bother to anyone. What a freakin' martyr. Jeez.
When the pain finally leaves, Bella wakes up and gets all freaky at the Cullenses, who have never been anything other than nice to her. Her fear instinct kicks in, and she does Shaolin acrobatics above everyone's heads, flipping away from them all Crouching Tiger Hidden Dumbass. As with the rest of the books, it takes Bella a long time to locate the various parts of her body such as legs, feet, hands, lungs, etc. She remembers being pregnant and is all, "Bring me my baby, yo!" and for some reason, the idiots around her are like, "We don't know if that's a good idea." Bella is understandably pissed by this because she's gone to such lengths to protect her little Renesmee (despite giving her the stupidest name since Mitt), she sort of deserves her baby.
Finally, everyone decides that she can see her kid, and I don't have kids, so I'm probably not qualified to say this, but if anyone dared get between me and my sprog, I'd kill them. Dead. Bella instead passively makes her case until they lead her to the living room where Jacob is holding Renesmee (ew! If he changes her diaper ever, I will have to send his name to Chris Hanson) and feeling unwilling to let Bella have her. Bella is now the enemy to Jacob. Not because she's a vampire, but because she's a potential threat to his Precious. Bella tries to take her baby from the pedophile, and he won't let go of her. Bella is like, "What the heck, Jake?" and he's like, "I can't let you hurt her." and Bella's all, "She's my baby, you just move on your way. I said good day, sir!"
Now, when Bella was faced with Stalker!Edward before she knew he liked her (blood), she was passive. When Charlie unhooked the battery of her truck, she was passive. When Edward decided to leave her, she had a little fight in her, but in the end she fell asleep in the woods and turned into a zombie, which I'm pretty sure is passive. Edward removed parts from her car, passive. Alice decided to plan Bella's wedding without any input from Bella, passive. The only time Bella has fought was for her child, so I totally wasn't surprised when she tried to rip Jacob's throat out. What surprised me was that no one let her.
He's an eighteen-year-old man. Renesmee is a baby. He does not get to ever touch her ever. He is a pervert. I don't care how hard Smyers tried to convince us that he feels only platonically for her until she comes of age. This is not how you make people like a character. It's disgusting and vile and foul and gross and wrong. And he's living with vampires who have lived for hundreds of years, and none of them are like, "Dude, you need to leave." NO! Plus, Jacob makes this case about how he'll get depressed if he's away from the baby for too long. Dude! It's not a baby's job to make you feel good about yourself! You're an adult, go act like one and get the heck away, where you should have been since Bella said "yes" to Edward's proposal. Grow a pair and walk away. But noooo...
Anyway, the Cullenses stop Bella from killing Jacob, and Renesmee lets Bella know that the whole scene scared her and that she likes Jacob and she does this by putting her hand on Bella's cheek. I hope Bella has nice skin, because that's how you get pimples. Seriously, don't ever touch your face.
Anyway, all sorts of boring stuff happens after that. Edward takes Bella hunting for endangered species before retiring to their little cabin for the night. Alice and Esmee built a little cabin for them and decorated it for them and put clothes in the closet for them because God only knows that Bella just would never want to have a cabin that suited her own tastes with her own decorating style and her own clothes in the closet. I really get annoyed by Alice. She's so high-handed. Carlisle told Jacob at one point that Alice doesn't like them wearing the same outfit more than once, like that's her job in the family or something. If you want to know why Edward wears nothing other than beige, look no further than Alice. She stocks his wardrobe.
At first, Bella is unimpressed with the clothes and shoes Alice has supplied her, but by the middle of the third part, she's just putting on whatever is there. Angora suits. Cashmere shifts. Oyster-colored satin cocktail dresses. Everything is ecru and eggshell and off-white. In the first book, Edward loved how Bella looked in her blue sweater. I guess he'll never get to see her in a color again.
So, the stuff that happens. Basically, the Volturi hear about Renesmee and decide it's the perfect opportunity to kidnap Bella so they can figure out her gift, which they reason must be really interesting since no one could touch her with their ability in the second book. They're right. The Cullens summon as many allies to their house as they can try to keep their family intact and everyone thinks that Renesmee is a turned child at first, until the Cullens explain what she is. Alice disappears (yay!) on some crazy mission, leaving Bella a rabbit trail to follow which leads her to a guy who can forge papers. It takes Bella a long time to parse out why Alice would send her to this guy, and then she realizes that if everything goes pear-shaped, she's going to have to send Renesmee and Jacob away together, so she has papers made for them.
The cool part is that the forger gets sort of funny at the end and asks Bella if she's planning on kidnapping the little girl. Bella finally says that Renesmee is her daughter, and the guy is relieved, showing that he has some sort of conscience.
The part of this that made me feel a little funny was how Bella got the money to do it all. She snuck through the house and took the money from the drawers and closets where the Cullenses hide their money. I mean, they apparently have thousands just laying around the house and Bella had to "steal" it. I'm assuming that Alice left money here and there for Bella to find because if she had just given Bella money, it would have been suspicious. But Bella feels bad about taking the money. Like it isn't hers. But isn't it? She may not be able to buy her own clothes or cars or anything, but surely even a vampire needs pocket change? Everything in this family is considered communal, and I'm sort of surprised that Carlisle never showed Bella the drawers where the money is kept and is like, "So, if you ever need some cash, here you go. You never know if Ralph Lauren put out a camel-colored sport coat that Alice doesn't know about." Why hasn't Edward given Bella her own money drawer? I know this is an odd thing to wonder about, but if they're fabulously wealthy and own everything outright and only really have to pay for utilities and gas and sundries like that, then why doesn't Bella have her own allowance? Anyway, that's all.
There are other preparations that include the whole family and their allies, and Bella starts figuring out her gift. Apparently, she's a shield who can cast out a "net" of protectiveness away from herself, so when the Volturi come, Bella is able to keep them from using their super-powers on the people around her. there's a huge anti-climactic "war" where Bella puts a backpack containing the forged papers and a bunch of extra money on Renesmee's back, and puts Renesmee on Wolf!Jacob just in case he needs to run off with her. Edward's all, "I knew you were keeping something from me!" and Bella feels guilty about it, but the bottom line is that if something happens to Edward, Bella doesn't want to continue living. In that case, it would be best if Jacob just ran off with Renesmee because she wouldn't have any parents left, anyway. I mean, why would someone want to continue living if the love of their life died? Right? These people are so selfish.
After a whole lot of talking, Alice and Jasper return with some interesting people. People who are just like Renesmee. It turns out that there's a vampire in South America who's going around impregnating women, and Alice has one of the offspring of this guy. Vampire/Human hybrids apparently grow at an alarming rate (which is why Renesmee looks like she's six when she's only one), but then stop growing and remain that way forever. This is great news for Bella, who has been afraid that Renesmee would be dead in twenty years after having lived to old age in that timespan. Edward's all happy because he thinks the new humpire will be competition for Jacob, but Bella's not worried because she's sure Renesmee will always be with Jacob, which is a really terrible thought to have about your one-year-old. Since they're all going to be immortal forever, I don't see why Renesmee can't have both, but again that doesn't exist in the Twiverse.
The Volturi decide to leave the Cullenses alone for whatever reason, which doesn't really sound right to me, but apparently that really is the end. I mean, here are tons of people with really awesome gifts, and The Volturi are basically the royalty of the vampire world. There is no reason that they should leave, and no reason that they should be refused if they want some of the vampires with extraordinary gifts. I sort of wish there was a League of Extraordinary Vampires going on somewhere. They'd be morally ambiguous, doling out punishment and stealing famous artifacts, maybe searching for the Holy Grail or something. Sorry, it's hard not to think of ways to improve this really dull book.
Anyway, that's the end. Everyone lives happily ever after because of course they do.
So, when Edward injected Bella in the heart with his venom (saliva), it hurt. In the Twiverse, changing to a vampire is painful. In the first book, Bella was bit in the hand, and she was screaming because it felt like her hand was on fire. Now in Breaking Dawn, Bella is all, "I'm in pain, but I won't cry out. I won't even say a word and they'll think, 'oh, she's such a good girl. She won't even cry.'" The reality is that Bella is in a lot of pain and it's freaking the Cullenses out because they're expecting her to cry and scream and otherwise feel horrible, but Bella just had to jump up and nail herself to a cross so she won't be a bother to anyone. What a freakin' martyr. Jeez.
When the pain finally leaves, Bella wakes up and gets all freaky at the Cullenses, who have never been anything other than nice to her. Her fear instinct kicks in, and she does Shaolin acrobatics above everyone's heads, flipping away from them all Crouching Tiger Hidden Dumbass. As with the rest of the books, it takes Bella a long time to locate the various parts of her body such as legs, feet, hands, lungs, etc. She remembers being pregnant and is all, "Bring me my baby, yo!" and for some reason, the idiots around her are like, "We don't know if that's a good idea." Bella is understandably pissed by this because she's gone to such lengths to protect her little Renesmee (despite giving her the stupidest name since Mitt), she sort of deserves her baby.
Finally, everyone decides that she can see her kid, and I don't have kids, so I'm probably not qualified to say this, but if anyone dared get between me and my sprog, I'd kill them. Dead. Bella instead passively makes her case until they lead her to the living room where Jacob is holding Renesmee (ew! If he changes her diaper ever, I will have to send his name to Chris Hanson) and feeling unwilling to let Bella have her. Bella is now the enemy to Jacob. Not because she's a vampire, but because she's a potential threat to his Precious. Bella tries to take her baby from the pedophile, and he won't let go of her. Bella is like, "What the heck, Jake?" and he's like, "I can't let you hurt her." and Bella's all, "She's my baby, you just move on your way. I said good day, sir!"
Now, when Bella was faced with Stalker!Edward before she knew he liked her (blood), she was passive. When Charlie unhooked the battery of her truck, she was passive. When Edward decided to leave her, she had a little fight in her, but in the end she fell asleep in the woods and turned into a zombie, which I'm pretty sure is passive. Edward removed parts from her car, passive. Alice decided to plan Bella's wedding without any input from Bella, passive. The only time Bella has fought was for her child, so I totally wasn't surprised when she tried to rip Jacob's throat out. What surprised me was that no one let her.
He's an eighteen-year-old man. Renesmee is a baby. He does not get to ever touch her ever. He is a pervert. I don't care how hard Smyers tried to convince us that he feels only platonically for her until she comes of age. This is not how you make people like a character. It's disgusting and vile and foul and gross and wrong. And he's living with vampires who have lived for hundreds of years, and none of them are like, "Dude, you need to leave." NO! Plus, Jacob makes this case about how he'll get depressed if he's away from the baby for too long. Dude! It's not a baby's job to make you feel good about yourself! You're an adult, go act like one and get the heck away, where you should have been since Bella said "yes" to Edward's proposal. Grow a pair and walk away. But noooo...
Anyway, the Cullenses stop Bella from killing Jacob, and Renesmee lets Bella know that the whole scene scared her and that she likes Jacob and she does this by putting her hand on Bella's cheek. I hope Bella has nice skin, because that's how you get pimples. Seriously, don't ever touch your face.
Anyway, all sorts of boring stuff happens after that. Edward takes Bella hunting for endangered species before retiring to their little cabin for the night. Alice and Esmee built a little cabin for them and decorated it for them and put clothes in the closet for them because God only knows that Bella just would never want to have a cabin that suited her own tastes with her own decorating style and her own clothes in the closet. I really get annoyed by Alice. She's so high-handed. Carlisle told Jacob at one point that Alice doesn't like them wearing the same outfit more than once, like that's her job in the family or something. If you want to know why Edward wears nothing other than beige, look no further than Alice. She stocks his wardrobe.
At first, Bella is unimpressed with the clothes and shoes Alice has supplied her, but by the middle of the third part, she's just putting on whatever is there. Angora suits. Cashmere shifts. Oyster-colored satin cocktail dresses. Everything is ecru and eggshell and off-white. In the first book, Edward loved how Bella looked in her blue sweater. I guess he'll never get to see her in a color again.
So, the stuff that happens. Basically, the Volturi hear about Renesmee and decide it's the perfect opportunity to kidnap Bella so they can figure out her gift, which they reason must be really interesting since no one could touch her with their ability in the second book. They're right. The Cullens summon as many allies to their house as they can try to keep their family intact and everyone thinks that Renesmee is a turned child at first, until the Cullens explain what she is. Alice disappears (yay!) on some crazy mission, leaving Bella a rabbit trail to follow which leads her to a guy who can forge papers. It takes Bella a long time to parse out why Alice would send her to this guy, and then she realizes that if everything goes pear-shaped, she's going to have to send Renesmee and Jacob away together, so she has papers made for them.
The cool part is that the forger gets sort of funny at the end and asks Bella if she's planning on kidnapping the little girl. Bella finally says that Renesmee is her daughter, and the guy is relieved, showing that he has some sort of conscience.
The part of this that made me feel a little funny was how Bella got the money to do it all. She snuck through the house and took the money from the drawers and closets where the Cullenses hide their money. I mean, they apparently have thousands just laying around the house and Bella had to "steal" it. I'm assuming that Alice left money here and there for Bella to find because if she had just given Bella money, it would have been suspicious. But Bella feels bad about taking the money. Like it isn't hers. But isn't it? She may not be able to buy her own clothes or cars or anything, but surely even a vampire needs pocket change? Everything in this family is considered communal, and I'm sort of surprised that Carlisle never showed Bella the drawers where the money is kept and is like, "So, if you ever need some cash, here you go. You never know if Ralph Lauren put out a camel-colored sport coat that Alice doesn't know about." Why hasn't Edward given Bella her own money drawer? I know this is an odd thing to wonder about, but if they're fabulously wealthy and own everything outright and only really have to pay for utilities and gas and sundries like that, then why doesn't Bella have her own allowance? Anyway, that's all.
There are other preparations that include the whole family and their allies, and Bella starts figuring out her gift. Apparently, she's a shield who can cast out a "net" of protectiveness away from herself, so when the Volturi come, Bella is able to keep them from using their super-powers on the people around her. there's a huge anti-climactic "war" where Bella puts a backpack containing the forged papers and a bunch of extra money on Renesmee's back, and puts Renesmee on Wolf!Jacob just in case he needs to run off with her. Edward's all, "I knew you were keeping something from me!" and Bella feels guilty about it, but the bottom line is that if something happens to Edward, Bella doesn't want to continue living. In that case, it would be best if Jacob just ran off with Renesmee because she wouldn't have any parents left, anyway. I mean, why would someone want to continue living if the love of their life died? Right? These people are so selfish.
After a whole lot of talking, Alice and Jasper return with some interesting people. People who are just like Renesmee. It turns out that there's a vampire in South America who's going around impregnating women, and Alice has one of the offspring of this guy. Vampire/Human hybrids apparently grow at an alarming rate (which is why Renesmee looks like she's six when she's only one), but then stop growing and remain that way forever. This is great news for Bella, who has been afraid that Renesmee would be dead in twenty years after having lived to old age in that timespan. Edward's all happy because he thinks the new humpire will be competition for Jacob, but Bella's not worried because she's sure Renesmee will always be with Jacob, which is a really terrible thought to have about your one-year-old. Since they're all going to be immortal forever, I don't see why Renesmee can't have both, but again that doesn't exist in the Twiverse.
The Volturi decide to leave the Cullenses alone for whatever reason, which doesn't really sound right to me, but apparently that really is the end. I mean, here are tons of people with really awesome gifts, and The Volturi are basically the royalty of the vampire world. There is no reason that they should leave, and no reason that they should be refused if they want some of the vampires with extraordinary gifts. I sort of wish there was a League of Extraordinary Vampires going on somewhere. They'd be morally ambiguous, doling out punishment and stealing famous artifacts, maybe searching for the Holy Grail or something. Sorry, it's hard not to think of ways to improve this really dull book.
Anyway, that's the end. Everyone lives happily ever after because of course they do.
Monday, March 19, 2012
A Mexican standoff, now with cats
My cat is a Russian Blue. In the scheme of things, this shouldn't be a huge deal, but Russian Blues have an odd personality quirk. Some of them can be OCD. My cat, Chekhov, is just one of those cats.
Russian Blues like routine. They get fed at the same time every morning, they lick themselves in a pattern that never changes, they hate moving or change in routine and fight it (sometimes literally). My cat tends to go to extremes with these things, though.
Lately, Chekhov has been drinking from the faucet in the bathroom. No big deal. It was sort of cute at first. However, in the last few weeks, he's become obsessed with it (remember: this is not unusual) to the point that he actually sits on the sink in the bathroom, waiting for someone to come by and give him a drink. He sheds all over the place, and the sink is starting to clog with his hair. Also, I just don't like having him in the bathroom. Plus, we will be trying to figure out where he is, and he's on the sink, just sitting there.
Cats are social creatures, and this obsession is isolating him. He's spending less time with us as a family (yes, I do that with my pets), he's not playing as much, and he's really getting odd. So, this weekend, I got him a new water dish, one that has a fountain that filters the water and drips it down just like a sink, and I started closing the bathroom door.
Y'all, I'm the worst pet owner in the world according to this cat. And my mom is indulging him! "I gave him water from the sink," she said this morning. "He slept with me last night, and I kept hearing him licking his lips. I figured he was thirsty, and I didn't want him to get sick, so I gave him some."
The funny part is that the water was actually down in the new bowl this morning. He's drinking, just not when we're around. (Little booger.)
The best thing I've found with Chekhov when I have to break him of a habit, is to give him a lot of love. I am also trying to figure out what I can have him obsessed with that's healthy. Not that drinking water isn't healthy, but when you're waiting for a sip in the dark in a bathroom on a sink when everyone else in the family is enjoying Pajama Time in front of the TV, there's a problem. I also know that a lot of this stems from the fact that we moved, and he needs some kind of routine to make him feel comfortable again. I need to work on this. I'll figure it out. Mostly because I'm not the worst cat mom in the world.
Russian Blues like routine. They get fed at the same time every morning, they lick themselves in a pattern that never changes, they hate moving or change in routine and fight it (sometimes literally). My cat tends to go to extremes with these things, though.
Lately, Chekhov has been drinking from the faucet in the bathroom. No big deal. It was sort of cute at first. However, in the last few weeks, he's become obsessed with it (remember: this is not unusual) to the point that he actually sits on the sink in the bathroom, waiting for someone to come by and give him a drink. He sheds all over the place, and the sink is starting to clog with his hair. Also, I just don't like having him in the bathroom. Plus, we will be trying to figure out where he is, and he's on the sink, just sitting there.
Cats are social creatures, and this obsession is isolating him. He's spending less time with us as a family (yes, I do that with my pets), he's not playing as much, and he's really getting odd. So, this weekend, I got him a new water dish, one that has a fountain that filters the water and drips it down just like a sink, and I started closing the bathroom door.
Y'all, I'm the worst pet owner in the world according to this cat. And my mom is indulging him! "I gave him water from the sink," she said this morning. "He slept with me last night, and I kept hearing him licking his lips. I figured he was thirsty, and I didn't want him to get sick, so I gave him some."
The funny part is that the water was actually down in the new bowl this morning. He's drinking, just not when we're around. (Little booger.)
The best thing I've found with Chekhov when I have to break him of a habit, is to give him a lot of love. I am also trying to figure out what I can have him obsessed with that's healthy. Not that drinking water isn't healthy, but when you're waiting for a sip in the dark in a bathroom on a sink when everyone else in the family is enjoying Pajama Time in front of the TV, there's a problem. I also know that a lot of this stems from the fact that we moved, and he needs some kind of routine to make him feel comfortable again. I need to work on this. I'll figure it out. Mostly because I'm not the worst cat mom in the world.
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