Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Falling apart at the seams

My mom has turned into one of the many, many people who have been foreclosed on in the past year. We are going to be out of our house by the 30th of January (OMG), and I'm really stressed out and upset, and I'm pretty sure she feels worse.

When I decided to go to college, I moved back home thinking I'd be secure.

Okay, now you need to probably turn away, because I'm going to start spewing forth some self pity right now, and it's not going to be cool or nice or even decent, and it's certainly sort of mean to my mom to spew this self-pity, but this is how I'm feeling.

I have a depressive disorder, and as such, I get into really dark moods a lot. I don't shut down and hide in a corner. No. I get angry. With everyone and everything. I am so angry right now, and it's been weeks since I've taken my medicine. This morning, I totally cut someone off and then fooled around with them on the road until they were as mad as me. I totally want to yell at everyone. I don't want to work. I fully acknowledge that I'm about thisclose to turning into one of the homeless people who stands outside and yells all day, because that's what I feel like doing. I suddenly have to start paying high rent again when I didn't. My plans of getting out of debt fast are being put on hold. My life is being turned upside down, and it sucks. I hate it. I took my pills so that I can make it home and to school without killing someone or just randomly ramming into a stranger's car because it might feel good.

I haven't been jogging, and I know that's got a lot to do with it. I really take out my frustrations on the field.

I just want to scream and cry and yell and get everyone as angry as I am.

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