I got a new job...

What this means for you: A delay in my Fifty Shades Darker commentary. But I have begun it! And it's really awful. OMG is it awful.

What this means for me: I will be in a different department here at the law enforcement agency I work for, and I will be working the graveyard shift. This will be great for my college career as I will have more daylight time to devote to classes. I'll probably be able to write more for this blog, too, since I won't have to sneak in writing at work or wait until after work/weekends to write stuff up.

I'm really happy because I was at a place where I either needed to quit this job, or work something out regarding hours. A promotional opportunity came up (so more money!) that fit the hours I need, so it's great. I'll also be able to really throw myself into volunteering when I'm not working or at school. A lot of people tend to volunteer on weekends, so places that depend on volunteers tend to really suffer during the week. I'm glad that I'll be able to find someplace to help with that.

I hate summer

When I was in school, I always hated summer. Something I found really comforting after I graduated was that I didn't have to deal with summer any more, I would just work full time.

Now that I'm in college, I hate summer again.

I'm taking a class this coming summer (starting in a few days), so maybe I'll feel differently once that starts, but since part of this blog is to help me with my therapy, I'm going to discuss why I hate summer.

I'm not sure, I guess.

Wow, that was anti-climactic.

Okay, I don't like summer because when I'm in class during the school year, I feel like I'm moving forward, but in summer, I feel like I'm stagnating. Also, I have to deal with people who are graduating onto other things, and I'm really jealous of them. I'd give just about anything to be graduating right now.

Also, every semester in college is so much fun, I really like my classes, and I always meet one or two people to be my homegirls during the class, and I miss that when summer comes. In highschool, I lived pretty close to my best friend and could walk to her house when I wanted over the summer, and then she got her car and we could drive places which was fun, and now I'm an adult with my own car and my best friend lives really close to me and I see her a lot, but it's just always different when you're in a classroom environment. I don't know what it is for me, but it's something different. I like it better when I have a class to go to. I feel like I have purpose.

Now I'm in summer, and it just seems like there are so many months ahead of me, and they're all empty.

The hardest part of having a chemical imbalance that leads to profound depression is that nothing really triggers it. You just start feeling depressed and empty, and then you feel guilty because your life is actually okay and pretty cool, you don't know why you can't just be grateful like other people.

Well, this is making me sad, so I'm going to stop, but this is how I feel in the summer. It's always harder.

And now it's summer

I took my final on Monday, and my lab final the week before. I don't have school tonight or for the rest of the summer. I'm taking an online course for American History, which I'm pretty burned that I have to take.

Well, it's my fault. I had filled out this form of all the classes I needed to take for the university, and I also had to fill in any prerequisites or classes that needed to be taken to graduate Community College. World History fulfilled my "arts and humanities" requirement, and there were two classes. History of the World Part I, and History of the World Part II: Hitler on Ice. (My teacher actually said that at one point, and I was so tempted to say, "We're at now now. Everything that is happening now is happening now." "But what about then?" "We passed then." "When?" "Just now." "When can we go back to then?" "Soon." but it never happened.) (Did I ever mention that he looked like Harrison Ford and always wore a three-piece suit and a fedora? I miss that class.) (Where was I?) (Oh, right, I took both classes.) Only I didn't have to take both classes. I needed to take American History (X) instead of History of the World Part II: Hitler on Ice.

It's not that I don't care about the history of America. I do. I've learned about it all my life. Besides, World History included America, so why couldn't I just go with that?

Oh, no dice, said my counselor. It's a requirement.

And so, I am taking American History now in the summer semester just to get rid of it. Plus, it'll give me something to do so I don't get all caught up in my usual summer depression. And I still have my kick-punch class to look forward to.

Oh, and Bitterblue by Kristin Cashore has been sent to my Kindle! It's been on there since April 30th, but I've been busy getting through the fourth Green Rider book, so I haven't noticed until just now. I'm almost done, and it's not disappointing me so far.

Naturally, I still have the Cat Stevens song stuck in my head. But that's okay.

And another semester ends...

In Community College, each semester is like a whole school year. You do a lot of concentrated learning in a very short amount of time, and you get sort of the same feeling of sadness/happiness that you used to get at the end of a primary school year.

But before I break out the Alice Cooper, I just want to reflect on what a great semester this was.

Firstly, my teacher was totally weird, and not in a "mad scientist Vincent Price" kind of way, but in a "Is he a student or a teacher?" kind of way. I'm serious, the first day I walked in, I saw him fiddling with the lights and almost told him to stop because only teachers could do that. I also had to learn to choose with caution which blouses to wear on lab days because he was so socially inept, he hadn't yet learned how to look down a woman's shirt without getting caught. I usually wear a camisole under my shirts anyway, but the look on his face when I'd catch him was priceless. The funny thing is that I think he also admired my intellect because when I would explain about something to my lab partners, he would stand close, and then when I was done, he'd say, "Wow, you are really learning this."

(I have HUGE breasts, so I'm used to both women and men looking down my blouse, and yeah it should bother me, but I think I've gotten to the point where it's just anatomy and I don't care any more. I mean, I seriously look down women's blouses myself, and have been prone to check out a man's butt a time or twenty, I think the trick is to do it with subtletey.)

(I mean, if you want to know how magnificent my rack is, I almost caused an accident once when I was at a strip mall and opened my hoodie to show my friend my new tankini top. It's there. You can't not look. The best thing to do is look and get it out of your system.)

Secondly, I loved lab. I read a blog the other day where someone was talking about how they were glad they never had to dissect anything, and I was like, "ooohhhh...but...but..."

The only thing we dissected was fruit in this class, but we did look at real skeletons that bothered a few people (both the males and the females).

I feel like I'm finally moving on to the stuff that will actually pertain to my major. I mean, math pertained to my major, but only in a roundabout way. This is my first actual science class, and I am so glad that this is what I have to look forward to the next two years. It is so fun to me, and challenging. I think I've finally arrived.

Now if I can just get accepted to the first school of my choice.

Freedom is just another word for nothin left to lose

You really understand what true first world problems are when you tell an ex-pat of a "third world" country that you're planning on quitting your fancy government job with tons of security in order to go to school full time and pursue a job that you don't even know if you can get within the next five years, and their reaction is shock and horror. "You have a full-time job with benefits and you're going to quit!?" she almost shrieked. "Why?!" It reminded me of Office Space when Samir was like, "I would love to have that kind of job security!" when Peter was like, "We're going to be here until we DIE!"

(Also: Samir Naga...Naghan...Nagannabehereanymore!)

(I love Office Space a little too much, but I'm okay with that.)

The thing is, I know it's stupid, and I'm actually more than likely going to cash in a tax-deferred account that I've had for the last fourteen years (it should have close to 20,000.00 on it right now, though, so I'm thinking it might just help me out...) that I should be saving for my retirement, and oh yeah, I'm giving up my current retirement benefits and it would probably be best if I just stayed here. Really. One of my coworkers even noted that I'll probably be offered a better job when I go to quit, and maybe five years ago I would have taken it. But now, what am I supposed to do? This is what I want. I'm not going to lose my retirement, I'm just not going to be paying into it any more, and yes the loss of the tax-deferred account is going to be really harsh, and I'm more than likely never going to be able to make that up again.

But to sacrifice it to do something I love and am passionate about...Why would I want to retire?

I do indeed have first-world problems. I live in the first-world, I'm not going to lie about that. I have this opportunity, why wouldn't I take it? If I have to eat food off of my plate that I'm not particularly happy about because there are starving children in Africa/China/French Indochina, then why wouldn't I go get an education for a job that I love when there are women in Africa/China/Malaysia who are never going to get this chance?

I don't believe in time

Last year, I had two classes like I do this year. However, last year I went two mornings and one evening. I had to work extra hours to make up for the morning classes, and that was hard, but I've got to say that it was nice to have most evenings free. I had time to do homework, time to go to the gym and eat healthy, homemade dinners. I'm so worried that Christmas will find me ten pounds overweight, and so full of fat that my red blood cells will be apologizing to each other as they try to squeeze through my veins.

I honestly don't know how single parents, and parents in general manage to go to school and work with kids. There always seems to be a single mother in at least one of my classes. I really admire these people, but at the same time I'm sort of thankful that I don't have those burdens. I know that I suck for thinking that, but sheesh. Thank God I don't have kids. There's just no way I could do this. Kudos to you, single mothers.

Anyway, I'm picking up my books on Wednesday, and I'm going to check on where my classes are. I also really need a tutor for my math class. Know any single, straight, hot guys that know their way around a graphing calculator?

Yeah, I don't either. :-/